Prairie Light

Nealy New Year Friday Five

2011-12-30T07:57:00.000-06:00

Sally says: "A simple Friday Five for a busy part of the year; indulge me by sharing two fives: As you look back over 2011 share 5 blessings, they can be as grand or as simple as you like,if you year has been like mine they are probably a mixture! As you look towards 2012 share 5 hopes- again, anything goes! Pictures and songs welcome."

Blessings of 2011

As always, my sweet husband heads the list of my blessings. In this stressful year of change and transition, I have appreciated more than ever his wisdom and good sense as well as the certainty of knowing, no matter what, he has my back.
The ordination of Amy Peden Haynie to the priesthood. At long last the fullness of her gifts and ministry can be realized. Thanks be to God!
Once again having a home base for my own ministry. It feels really good and right to be assisting priest with this lovely and welcoming congregation and to know that I will celebrate the Eucharist and preach again regularly.
Feeling pretty secure financially is a HUGE blessing in these difficult times. With our move, we both changed jobs this year and feel fortunate about being able to do that in a tough market.
This one is under the category of mixed blessings....I was able to start and experience both the great joys and the huge stressors of CPE. Due to a variety of circumstances, I made the difficult decision not to complete the unit at this time. But those few months had an impact that I will not soon forget.

Hopes for 2012
I am hoping

to grow and expand my ministry with my new congregation, to come to know and love the people there and be a contributing member of the clergy team.
that some (or all, if I think big) of the plans that are afoot for both R and I career wise will be successful and satisfying for us.
to be more consistent with my self-care so that I can meet my health and fitness goals (and get back into my smaller pants!)
that we can sell our house in Little Town on the Prairie. We are grateful to have renters, but it would be such a relief to have it sold.
to continue to maintain strong connections (both virtually and IRL) with friends near and far

Friday Five: To Do Lists

2011-12-16T13:58:00.001-06:00

Jan says: "Ever since I was little, I heard that Santa is making a list and checking it twice. I can see why he has to keep checking it, because there is so much to do before Christmas! Only nine days left, and I don't have church services to plan, but there is much left to be done. My daughter-in-law tells me that she feels behind, which is how I have been feeling. No matter how organized you are, there must be some things you still need to do. For this Friday Five, tell us five things on your Christmas "To Do" List. Include anything you have decided to skip doing this year. As a bonus, give us something that helps you remember why this season even exists"

There has been a lot in this Advent that has involved waiting and "unsettledness" in my life. I don't feel particularly rushed or harried, nor do I feel overly "Christmasy" just yet. But this is what is on my to do list right now:

Mail the packages. Yes we are a bit late on this, but they will go first class and should arrive on time.
Go "shopping" on the Episcopal Relief and Development website. Such a lovely dilemma...shall I send bees or a goat to my friends this year? Or perhaps malaria preventing mosquito bed nets, those are always in style!
Figure out the menu for Christmas Eve and Day. It will be "just us" this year...so rally not such a big chore.
Send cards. I WILL get them in the mail before Christmas this year...really I will,
Decide which service(s) to attend. We have two church homes right now and between them we have six choices over Christmas Eve and Day. A plethora of riches!

We are "not doing" a lot this year. Much of this is because of our move. The old places, people and traditions are there and we are not. R has suggested that we begin to develop some new holiday traditions, so this Sunday we are going to a Christmas play on a showboat, then off to Lessons and Carols at one of our churches as the beginning of that process! Lessons and Carols was "the thing" for me for so many years that really got my Christmas juices flowing. My last year at St. J's it was co-opted by several things, so I'm hoping that going and hearing that lovely music and the traditional readings at the "church of my heart" help me in the remembering what it's all about process.

Home Around the Corner

2011-11-16T22:03:00.000-06:00

It's good to be back on the blog. Thanks for the kind comments, I do appreciate my RevGal friends! As I re-read yesterday's post I think I sound a lot wistful, and maybe more than a little whingey as my Brit friends say. It's all really all right...and yes, it is about making room for the new by letting go of the old. That's kind of been the theme this year. We moved in June from my seven room, two porch, two and a half garage house out in Little Town on the Prairie to the Big City, where we rented a lovely, but small, four-room townhouse with one garage. Period.

Ah yes, the move. It was a necessary relocation in many ways. I needed to leave a work situation that had become a source of daily frustration, as I disagreed on a fundamental level with the direction our clinic was moving. In order to continue to be employed in my field, by a signed agreement, I needed to move farther than the five counties that surrounded us and that the clinic served. Out there in the hinters, that pretty much meant to move away. At first we thought about a cross-country move, but that did not prove feasible, so we decided across the state would do. R was up for the adventure. Twenty years in the same job had left him ready for something new, and for me it was a kind of coming home. So I job-searched, the house got sorted out, packed up, pared down and put on the market. I was faced during the packing phase with the reality of just how much stuff I had somehow acquired in my almost seven years in that house. We knew we were downsizing, and so much had to go. At first felt the loss of each pickup load that we carted off to the thrift store. After a while, I found I cared a little less that something was leaving my life, as it was one less thing to pack, to move, to simply deal with!

Along with parting with my stuff, I also had to face the loss of my church home and my role there as part of the ministry team. Because of the nature of my licensure to a local church rather than the diocese, there was some uncertainty about just what the future would hold for me as a priest. But we knew that it was time to go, and so I sadly preached my last sermon and said goodbye to my little congregation.

Finally the day came that we hauled ourselves and what was left of our belongings (LOTS!) to our new home. Wonder of wonders, it really did all fit! Well except for that last pickup load that went to the new thrift store we found! I had found a new job as a therapist and an old church community where I could settle in as a congregant, and where the priest was welcoming to me as a homeless cleric. She offered supply as available and whatever else I might find a good fit. The downside.....it was at least a twenty mile trip to get there. Not a bad commute in our new urban life, but a daunting thought as far as really getting involved in the life of a community where we worshipped but did not reside. Our new life has an interesting schedule that complicates things as well. R is off to bed at 8 or so as he rises at 3 am to be at work by 4. This means that I needed to be self-reliant if I wanted to engage in the evening activities that constitute so much of church life....and I knew that navigating those twenty plus miles of freeway in the dark was going to be a challenge for my little astigmatic night-vision reluctant eyes. I thought that things would be ok, though, given the CPE involvement....my "priest-self" would find a home there and I would be settled. Well, once again, those best laid plans didn't prove to be so. A couple months into CPE it became sadly apparent that this was not the place I needed to be, and after prayer and tears, I withdrew from the unit and went back to being, as one of my friends said recently, a "feral priest."

Fast forward to three Sundays ago. We decided (on a whim...ha) to visit the next closest Episcopal church to our house. Before we went I decided to peruse the church website, where I learned that several months ago the leadership had expressed a hope for another priest who could spell the vicar and assistant (both "retired" priests who seemed to find themselves working full-time again) and who would not need to be paid, as the budget would not support what the community so obviously needed. We went that Sunday. We met some folks, I talked to the priest, had some e-mail conversation with the Bishop, and assuming the consent of the parish and leadership, it looks like on the 4th Sunday of Advent, I will once again have a place to celebrate and preach. We are looking at once a month to start....but it feels like potential and possibility for more. The church of my heart, where we have been attending still has a hold on me, and we will go there as we can. But as R pointed out, as far as we are from there, it's less likely that we would ever be a deep part of the community. At our potential home, we will church where we live...or close to it, and we can be part of the rather impressive local (and larger) mission efforts that come from the small but committed group of folks in the congregation.

So finally, at almost six months into the adventure, things are starting to settle. Not all things, not even some important things about which I cannot blog right now....but at least for me one of the most important things is finding resolution....how I live out my call and vocation. It appears it will be with my two hats firmly in place again, thank God! Once again I will have cause to do more than lurk at the preacher party, and skulk over to Tuesday Lectionary Leanings. I will have real reasons to hang out in Textweek, immersing myself in the weekly texts as only preaching prompts me. I will find a home on a new altar, share bread and wine with new people who I will come to care for as my own. Once again, there will be too many things in the week at times, meetings that will push my patience and church politics that will make me need to hold my goat close! I can't wait.

Pining a LItle in November

2011-11-15T22:00:00.001-06:00

It's November...mid actually, and I am waxing nostalgic. We went to a concert the other night at one of the local Lutheran churches. The sanctuary reminded me of the church where we frequently held our community Thanksgiving service in my former life in Little Town on the Prairie. That service will, I think, be held this year in the newly renovated Catholic church. (We alternated between the two as they had the larger of the town's sanctuaries.) For the first time in nine years,I don't know where I will be on the night before Thanksgiving. I will not be there, I know that for sure, and I am feeling more than a little sad about it. That service was a benchmark of sorts for me in my gradually becoming a part of that community. The first year I remember sitting alone in the big Catholic church, wondering if I would ever belong to this place. In subsequent years I sang with the choir, and in the years after I was ordained processed in with the clergy, gave the blessing, did a reading, planned the service. I will not be there for the Thanksgiving service this year, nor will I be driving myself crazy over getting all the robing of the choristers accomplished for Lessons and Carols, serving turkey dinner with the Presbyterians on Christmas Eve, or celebrating the Midnight service in my little jewel box church. Each year as I participated in these traditions, I felt a part of something bigger than myself. I miss that. Our life here that in so many ways is a more private one, a smaller one. Sometimes I have felt a little cast adrift, without a role, a place in the community.

We are still finding our way here. I know that there will be new traditions in a new home, new things that will capture my spirit and imagination and that will help me find my sense of place here. The potential is there. There may be new possibilities for ministry just over the horizon. That makes me hopeful. But right now I am just a little melancholy, just a little homesick for the life that was.

I know that part of the sadness and feelings of displacement is over the ending of CPE. Yes, already, I am done. It was simply....not right. I knew it very quickly, and I knew it very profoundly. Perhaps it was a timing error, perhaps an underestimation of the impact and the energy it would take to do this alongside a full time and demanding in its own right "day job." But I knew that I could not go on. And the input of the man I love and trust utterly validated and reinforced my need to let go. As he could see even more than I the toll this was taking, he offered the strength I needed to make the hard and final decision. There are surely things I will miss. I had a great supervisor and peer group. And there were moments of pure grace. I can hold them as I let go of the thought that this might be a call for me, as clearly it is not.

So that is settled, though other things are not. That is known while others remain in the realm of "not yet." Patience has never been my strong suit. But as my wise beloved says, "we must live with what is not what if." And for me right, that also includes the "what if" of what may be. I can't live there any more than I can live in "if only" looking backward.

I once said to a friend that I missed my life. She told me that really, I can't as I am living today the only life there is. So I am living here, now, though I still find myself wondering a lot about what might be in store next. One day at time I am living this life, the one that is now....but I can't help missing a little of what was while I wait, in hope for what will be.

Friday Five: Home Sweet Home

2011-09-30T09:54:00.000-05:00

Songbird says: I've got home on my mind: what it feels like, how we make it, what we carry from the past and how we separate other people's leftovers from objects that really reflect our identity. My family has had one home for the past 13 years, the longest I've ever lived anywhere. As the time when all the children are gone comes closer, I wonder where my next home will be? So here are five questions about home.
1) Where was your first home? My first home was in Dubuque, IA. I lived in the same house with my parents until I went away to go to college (and a short stint in the convent). I moved back after graduating and stayed in Dubuque until I was 27 when I left for the last time and moved to Minnesota. Form many years when I would go back to Dubuque to visit, I would think about the life I didn't have there and wonder what it would have been like if I had just stayed there as an adult.

2) Do you ever dream about places you used to live? Just last night I went again in dreams to the house I was raised in. it is often the setting for some sleep saga or another, and I wonder sometimes just what it is I am still trying to work out with that place!

3) If you could bring back one person from your past to sit at your dinner table, who would you choose? My mother, without a doubt! We told our life stories in CPE this week and I have been really thinking about her and missing her even more since then. She has been gone since 1997, and has missed some pretty important stuff in my life, graduation and the start of my career as a psychologist, ordination, my wedding (though she was there in spirit I know). The one thing I wish I could do is introduce her to my sweet husband. She would love him as much as I do, I know, and be so happy to see us together.

4) What's your favorite room in your current living space? I have a confession that will only come as news to some people-I don't like where we live very much, and still miss my house in the little town on the prairie. We went from this large, charming old house with seven rooms and two porches, two garages and a large fenced yard to a four room/one garage townhouse. It is really perfectly fine, has LOTS of storage space for its size and a great location for work, shopping, CPE, etc. But it never quite feels like home. If I had to pick a "favorite" room though, I would say my bathroom! It's big and spacious and has its own linen closet. I have decorated it to my taste and think it's kind of cute (as bathrooms go). The shower is great...hot and full of great water pressure. I am trying to like the whole place better as we are there at least until next June and maybe beyond if we decide to be frugal and save money for our future adventures instead of more on housing.

5) Is there an object or an item where you live now that represents home? If not, can you think of one from your childhood? Well, I can't exactly call him an "object or item" but home to me is where ever R is. He is what makes the space I am not so fond of bearable, and he is who I think about when I think of home. It's not so much a place anymore as it is where I find him and we can spend time together.

CPE Continues

2011-09-27T09:38:00.000-05:00

CPE is moving forward, or perhaps more accurately I should say, I am moving forward in CPE. I admitted to the group and my supervisor how anxious I was feeling about going onto the floor and actually seeing people, as well as the fact that I felt pretty bad about admitting that. I mean after all...it's not like I haven't visited people in a hospital before, or that I don't know how to do this thing. There were a lot of "shoulds" in my head about that, and it took a bit of humility to say out loud that I was feeling rather freaked. But it had a good outcome (as being honest about my feelings often does!) I got support from my peers and my supervisor offered the opportunity of shadowing him if I wished. So yesterday I did one visit with him, he did one with me and then off I went on my own. Yes, I do know how to do this (at least so far). My patients were certainly ill, but not in an acute state,. and I found that I could offer presence and support for them as they faced whatever was before them. Tomorrow I get to attend rounds for the first time and meet more of the staff. I'm looking forward to that as I think it will help me feel even more grounded in this place and a part of the care team.

I also managed to figure out the documentation on the electronic system. That too felt like a bit of a triumph!

I know there is more ahead that will challenge me and push my limits. But for right now I'm feeling much more at ease and happy to be so.

CPE Orientation Day 2

2011-09-14T17:09:00.000-05:00

I say this with some chagrin and embarrassment, but I am feeling a lot of a sense of "deer in the headlights" as I come back from the second orientation day. We spent the morning with the manager of spiritual care services who talked with us about....of all things....DEATH. Well DUH....of course that is going to be a big part of what we do, what we deal with, why, in fact, we are there. But the whole business just got very very real. Death in the ER, death in the ICU, even death in the Family Birthing Center. Our role in supporting the family, in being present for the end of life with patients, in caring for the staff who dealt with a trauma, and of course in figuring out how we, ourselves, do self-care.

I had a job in a hospital once. Well actually twice...I was a Unit Clerk and I rarely had to even see the patients as I ordered supplies, did transcription and kept the station area functioning. In my second foray I was a ccardiac monitor tech. or more accurately I trained and oriented to be one. My first day on the floor I was asked to go into a patient's room and change the leads on a person who had just had open heart surgery. That was also my last day on the job. Again I don't know what I was thinking or how it had escaped me that this would involve real patients with real wounds and I would be expected to DO something in their care. Honestly, I really thought my job was to watch monitors, gather the strips of rhythms as they printed and alert the nursing staff about anything amiss. I have to add that I was much younger then and things scared me even more than they do now, and when they did my response was to run and avoid. I'd like to think that I am not only older and wiser, but also braver now.

But I am not feeling very brave this morning. D told us of her first on-call as a trainee chaplain. A nine year old boy was shot and killed. I am not expecting in our little suburban hospital that I will deal with much of that. But there will be something. There will be illness and pain and death. Running is not my option of choice this time. So I'll pray and hang out in trust that all will really be well as things unfold. One day at a time.

CPE!!!

2011-09-13T11:16:00.002-05:00

At long last after many tries at this I finally made it to CPE! We had our first seminar day yesterday and it was good. I absolutely LOVE this hospital and all of the thought and intentionality that has gone into creating what they call "the Healing Environment" which is a part of their mission and values. The environment is deliberately constructed to be patient-centered, affirming and soothing. There is amazing art all over the place, and gardens and water features outside available to patients and staff. The interfaith prayer room (in what is originally a small Catholic hospital) has prayer rugs, meditation cushions, a tallit and malas, sweet grass and sage as well as the holy books from a variety of traditions. I continue to like my supervisor. We just "clicked" at the interview and listening to him yesterday reinforced and validated that further.

We are just three as a group, and that led to some tense moments yesterday as two of us sat and waited for our third partner to appear. He had gotten caught in traffic, and while we waited and wondered about him, our supervisor told us that the other two people in our (former) group of five had dropped out and that we needed at least three to continue. But then K appeared and all was well. We may get one or two more people coming in who were sort of "wait listed" when we seemed to be at full-strength, and now will be offered spots. So we may grow a little which would be good, but I can be fine with D and K who seem like very solid and focused people. We are all "of an age" and are on at least a second career call track. We are diverse with a Lutheran, and UCC-er and myself. Our supervisor is a UCC minister as well. I have always had a feeling of connection and love for the UCC after some time as a church-member in that denomination in my past, and think if I weren't Episcopalian, that is likely what I would be.

We got our pics taken for the ID badge and had a tour which included meeting some of the most warm and welcoming staff I could hope for. Everyone from the CEO to the housekeepers and security staff seemed genuinely delighted to have us among them. M told us that the Spiritual Care department is very valued in this place and that this welcome is the real thing. Tomorrow orientation continues as we begin to learn about the role of the chaplain and various protocols in different areas of the hospital. I don't know yet where I will be assigned, but anywhere is good as I just want to soak it up. I'm a little anxious as I think about getting into the patient interaction in earnest, which I know is a little silly, as I did this both as a pastor and a psychotherapist. I'm also a little concerned about balancing this with work (full time still...just condensed into 3 1/2-4 days a week. That and trying to have a life and relationship with my husband who works his own quirky hours (4 am to whenever he is done M-T-Th-F and Saturday). So I know we will both have to be intentional about our time for connection and play in order to keep "us" healthy together as well as individually.

But for today, I am totally psyched and can't wait to move forward on this "next great adventure."

Friday Five: The Season You're In

2011-09-02T11:28:00.000-05:00

kathrynzj says: "Headquarters for me is the northeast of the United States. Here school is getting back in session, the tease of autumn is in the air (or the hope for the tease of autumn is in the air) and church life is gearing up to full throttle. One thing I've learned with blogging and social media is that the where I live is not necessarily where you live. And so I want to know what September means to you, in your place of the world and time in your life. This week's Friday Five is: What are 5 things that the beginning of September mean to you?Bonus: What's one thing you could do without?"

September is....

A month where being flexible about weather expectations is a very good practice. Here in Minnesota anything can happen during this month. The day I arrived here (lo those many years ago) on September 15th is was 95 degrees! Imagine my surprise as I had left all my summer clothes behind in storage thinking that I would not need them until next year. I went to Target and bought close-out shorts and they served me well for a couple hot weeks. It can also snow in this month (and has!) I just heard this morning that there was a snowfall of 9 inches recorded in this month in this state! Can we say weather extremes? Be ready. Yesterday it was in the 90's. Today it's damp and 75. Layers are my friends.
A month when things begin again. I have spent so much of my life either in school or involved with school schedules on one front or another...it just always feels like when this time of year comes, I should be starting something! So this year that is precisely what will be happening! As of September 12 I am beginning an extended unit of CPE at one of local hospitals. I am excited and a little anxious about balancing this with my full-time job as well as a little life balance (like ever seeing my husband!) But I have been wanting to do this for a very long time and I'm going to give it a go. This was not part of my formation for ordination as we did a local training process, and so it's a "want-to" for me rather than the requirement that some have. I'm thinking about this as a time of discernment as I think this just might be something that I am called to as a more full-time ministry. Time and experience actually doing it will tell, I think. So I'm getting my book bag packed and figuring out how to get five days of my psychology job into four. Off we go!
The month when I begin to seriously dread winter. I know this is not good, I need to stay in the present moment and all that good stuff...but that is the reality. I start to worry well in advance about bad roads and the general inconvenience. This year at least we are in an urban area and there should be no need for extended trips in the hinters.
The month (this year) when I am homesick for the prairie light. There is different beauty here on this side of the state. We live in the river valley now and it is rolling, lush and very green with many trees. This is actually my home landscape and it has always soothed me. But I did fall in love that light on the prairie in my years there. Especially in the Fall, it is golden, luminous and has an almost touchable quality to it. I even named my blog for it! So missing it now a bit.
And yes, the church year, though not liturgically, begins in earnest in September. This too is different for me this year as I am a partaker more than a planner of congregational events. our new church home is full of opportunities for groups and involvement. Everything from Theology and a Pint to the "Heretics" Adult Ed group, a couples dinner and discussion group, and voice and bell choir. I am also on the clergy supply list there and will be called now and again to preach and or celebrate the Eucharist. A virtual feast, but again a discernment as I try to balance out what I want to do and what, realistically, I can.
While this is not about September per se, this beginning of a new season reminds me again about all of the changes and transitions that have taken place in this year. It's my first Fall in many many years without a house to get ready for the coming year. No garden to put to bed, no gutters to clean, no leaves to rake, no reminder to call the furnace guy for the annual check-up. We did not sell our previous place, but as of October 1 we have renters who are willing to take all of that on. We can rest assured that things will be watched over and that we don't have to make 6 hour round-trips for snow and maintenance. We are grateful for this solution to the burden of all that, but there is a way in which I miss the "have-tos" of having a house that depends on me to keep it going.

As for the bonus....I love Fall and all it brings...if only it were not followed by Winter. Really, that I think I could happily do without!

Friday Five: Road Trips

2011-08-19T11:39:00.000-05:00

Jan says: "My husband and I just returned (on Wednesday night) from a long road trip up the middle USA to Canada, going through various national parks, and on to the Puget Sound of Washington State. This brought back memories of family road trips with my children and when I was a child, so the idea of today's Friday Five arose."

Tell us about five road trips--in your childhood, in your family, in your recent past, with friends, and/or hoped-for-places-to-drive-to. Don't forget the one that stands out as the BEST or as the worst time.

The "biggest and best" of road trips was the one that R and I took for our honeymoon. Off in the Mini-Cooper for 8 days of travel...we went from Minnesota to Texas and back. We saw the country, went to a Jimmy Buffett concert, had two great dinners and a breakfast with various members of the Texas RevGal contingent and created memories that will last a lifetime.

Really, any trip with my sweet husband in "Gladys" (the Cooper) is a great trip by my reckoning. One of our first dates was a two hour drive to the next "Big City" for dinner. As well as our big adventure, we have road tripped to Wisconsin to (again) see Jimmy B, and have had numerous trips back and forth and all around the state for both pleasure and business. We took a "pilgrimage" early on in our relationship to my hometown so R could see all the places that knew me when. R has been my go-to driver for many a meeting, patiently waiting in the car while I do whatever it is I came for. Each one of those drives has been a memorable and pleasurable experience as they too become part of road trip repertoire.

A fun trip from my past was a camping trip a friend and I took "up North" to see the sights in our own home state. I had arranged the whole thing as a surprise for her birthday and basically "kidnapped" her and didn't tell her a thing other than "Pack a bag, we are taking off for the weekend." We drove up the North Shore stopping anywhere and everywhere we had the urge....Betty's Pies, the smoked salmon and cheese place on the way up, the shore of lake Superior just to hang by the water. We "camped" in my van, pulling in to the campground amidst the big rigs, plugging ourselves in with an extension cord and calling it good. It was a great adventure and lots of fun.

While I don't remember one in particular, "going for a drive" was a big deal in my childhood. We did not have our own car, so often on Sunday afternoons some friends of my parents would come over and get us and we would take off for a few hours, often ending up at one of the many roadhouses that dotted the countryside for dinner. Sometimes it would be a longer drive down the Great River Road a couple hours to visit family. On those trips I often fell asleep on the way home, and to this day can remember the sound and feel of the engine as I drifted off watching the sky buzz by outside the window.

In the "hoped-for" department, I'd love to take some day trips to places in our new "neck of the woods." Since this area is new to R I have all kinds of thoughts about places I want to share with him and introduce him to.

Overdue Update

2011-08-07T21:50:00.000-05:00

Well I really never meant to be away so long. But with one thing and another, moving and settling, finding our way to all those new places that come with a shift in location, getting adjusted to a new routine and a new schedule, time has just seemed to slip by, and suddenly it's two months and no blogging, and actually not a lot of "communicating out" in many ways. I haven't been hanging out on Facebook, seeing what's up over at RevGals or even reading tweets. Some days it's been all I can do to get to my e-mail.

There is the new job of course. The learning curve has been a little steep. Not in the work itself, but the "how" of it that is different in so many ways. Many of the things that others took care of in my old setting are now mine to deal with as a part of a practice group...dealing with insurance and authorizations for care and all that goes with that. Some days I feel like all I do is run around mopping up after myself or apologizing for yesterday's error. I think some days I have it. Then I don't. They tell me to patient, it will come. That my expectations for myself are higher than anyone else's, that I need to let some of the struggle go and let myself be where I am right now. But that's hard. I don't like being new, being uncertain. In the last place I was competent and capable, I had systems and routines that almost did themselves. There is none of that comfort right now, and sometimes whole days go by without feeling that I have really done anything as it should be done.

So there stands the worklife. In my clergy life things have been a bit of a roller coaster as well. Right as we moved I had applied for and been accepted to an extended unit of CPE for this Fall. We were due to start in October, I had cleared the necessary schedule adjustments with my new workplace and I thought we were good to go. Until a couple weeks ago when I got an e-mail from the supervisor saying that they were cancelling this unit. I knew other places here had CPE, I also knew that the extended unit at at least one hospital had been full already in April, and I was not hopeful about the others. But I decided I had nothing to lose and contacted two other hospital systems. The outcome of my efforts is that I now have TWO offers and need to decide between them. A kind of a nice problem perhaps, but a dilemma none-the-less. There are, of course, pros and cons to each in many areas. Ultimately I will just have to weight things and decide which feels like the best fit I think.

A joy in this part of my life came this morning when I presided for the first time since leaving St. J's. And not just anyplace, but at the "church of my heart" where so many important spiritually formational things had happened for me before I moved away eight years ago. I did all three services there this morning, the tiny quiet early service, the contemporary and evolving one, and the traditional service. It was wonderful and exhausting and I'm doing it again next week. We are making our church home there, back at St. M's and it is good to be back, to be home there, and to be both welcomed back and accepted in a new role.

We still have had no buyers for our house across the state and there are no bright spots on the sales horizon at this point. But thanks to a friend, we have found renters! That is good news as the house will self-support and we can have assurance that someone will be there to watch over things as well, so the all-too-frequent six-hour round trips to mow the lawn and check the place can hopefully end soon. That is even more important as R has found a great job that he wants to settle into and focus on, and the time to rest, relax and explore our new home base is much needed by both of us right now.

So each day finds us feeling a little more at home in this new place. I noticed the other day that I no longer have to consult my "mind map" (or the GPS) for the places I go on a regular basis. And last week someone was talking about a coffee shop a few miles from here, and actually knew where they meant!

I have learned some things about myself in this process. Change is even harder for me than I thought! Really, I do NOT transition well. Security is a far far bigger thing than I ever would have wanted to admit. And the lack of it makes me irriatble and more than a little hard to live with (just ask my poor long-suffering husband). I don't do well with uncertainly either, or with feeling incompetent. It's that old lack of control thing.

But I have found yoga and my breath again. I am praying and trying to let go of the small stuff (when I remember what it is!) and remind myself that this will pass and one day I really will get this!

I'm going to try to write again, in some format, perhaps here at least now and again. No longer from the light on the prairie, but looking for another kind of light in a new place.

Sermon for Easter 5 2011

2011-05-21T08:56:00.001-05:00

John 14:1-14

Saying goodbye to people you love and have shared an important journey with can be a hard thing to do. That is what Jesus is doing with his disciples in the piece of his farewell discourse from John’s Gospel that we just heard.

Yes, his farewell discourse. Because even though for us it is the fifth Sunday after Easter, in this reading it is still the night before the crucifixion, and we are at supper with Jesus and the disciples. Jesus knows the end is coming with his beloved ones. And loving them…he loves them to the end. He knows that Judas will betray him, Peter will deny him, not once but three times, and yet he loves them still. He knows that even though they have been with him daily, living with him, listening to him, watching him, there are parts of this life and mission of his they still do not get. And he knows that this is the end. Time has run out. He must now leave this earthly incarnation.

This night begins as he washes their feet offering the lesson of loving servant leadership once more. And then he begins to speak to them. Offering them the great summary, the last lesson, to try to help them remember what they have come to know by being with him these three years.

The section we hear this morning begins with reassurance…” Don’t let your hearts be troubled. Trust in God, and in me.” He knows that the things that are about to come will try them and will test their faith. Not only are they about to lose their leader, but they will see him tried and mocked, scourged and hung. And they will see themselves fail as well, will find their own trust to be lacking, their own fear overcoming them as they run, as they hide. Jesus offers them, “In my Father's house there are many dwelling places. If it were not so, would I have told you that I go to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again and will take you to myself, so that where I am, there you may be also. And you know the way to the place where I am going." Of course Thomas, who we know from later events is the kind of person who needs things spelled out very clearly for him is struggling with this, so Jesus patiently offers more to him. "I am the way, and the truth, and the life. If you know me, you will know my Father also. From now on you do know him and have seen him."

Life in God’s kingdom is bigger and greater and wider and deeper and more than you think and you can be part of it, he says. You can live this way because you know me and I have shown you how to live like this, or as one theologian1 says, Jesus is the "the authentic vision of our existence.”

Jesus says “If you have seen what I am like you really have seen God, known God, and you can be like that, really you can.” We know from Old Testament readings that humans have been struggling for a long time with the desire to see God. And that the belief has been that no one could see God and live. And now we hear Jesus saying that, yes, really you can in a sense see God because you see me. I am what God is like. And even more than that, Jesus in the Incarnation is the great both/and…both a view of who God is, and our vision of who we, at our most Godlike, can become.

This of course confounds Phillip, and Jesus runs through it again for him and says, “Believe me that I am in the Father and the Father is in me; but if you do not, then believe me because of the works themselves.” And then he makes this rather amazing promise, “Very truly, I tell you, the one who believes in me will also do the works that I do and, in fact, will do greater works than these, because I am going to the Father. I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If in my name you ask me for anything, I will do it."

Yes, saying goodbye to people you love and have shared an important journey with can be a hard thing to do. That is why it is a good thing that we have liturgy and prayers and scripture and community to surround and support us as we do these things.

I don’t know about all of you but change tends to make me anxious. There was a particular aptness for me in this Gospel as I felt Jesus might be speaking to me just a little bit here in this “final discourse” and to all of us here at St. James in this time of change.

As Jesus reminded the disciples, and us the place for our trust is in God. I have a tendency to forget that sometimes, and when I do, I get worked up and worried about how things are going to come out. But as our Psalm this morning reminds us, our times are in God’s hands. The God who loves us beyond anything we can imagine. The God who graces us and delights in us and has a dream for us.

And the God who has given us Jesus, our path, the way, and the truth, and the life.” Or again, that theologian’s definition, "the authentic vision of our existence.” If we take that vision and run with it, if we really believe that this is who we are created to be, someone who offers welcome and care to the least and the lowest, someone who loves authentically, forgives and turns the other cheek, reaches out to those whom others would ignore or scorn…if we really believe that we are part of God, and they are part of God…and that every moment is a chance for a miracle, how then would we live?

It has been a wonderful almost nine years being part of this community. You welcomed this stranger and allowed me to become part of you, embracing me into a role of leadership, flowing gracefully with me through life changes, welcoming Rick into our midst and celebrating our marriage. I will keep you in my heart and my prayers. My hope for you is that you will continue to take seriously those baptismal promises to seek and serve Christ in all people wherever you might encounter them. Amen.

1John Dominic Crossan quoted by John Pilch in The Cultural World of Jesus Year A cited by Kate Huey on Textweek

Friday Five: Words

2011-05-20T15:29:00.000-05:00

Jan says, "Since January our Sunday Spiritual Formation hour (or Sunday School) has been devoted each week to the presenter's description of a word that describes passion/love or something. No one knows who will be presenting or what the topic will be ahead of time! Each session has been invigorating in a different way. Last week's speaker talked about "words" and finished our time by asking each one of us what "word" we wanted to share--a favorite one." So my suggestion for today's Friday Five is to write about 5 words you really like. Please explain why you have chosen each word, in such ways as, it is a: description or attribute of yourself, activity you enjoy,word that is spelled or pronounced in an interesting way,passion of yours, word that brings you hope, peace, or comfort, word you like to repeat or sing."

This was fun and thought-provoking....Here's my top five word list:
Hope Hope is a word I build a lot of my life around. I preach about hope. I use hope in my therapy practice as I believe that one of my main jobs is to try to offer/provide/instill/hold hope when often there is little or none present when people present themselves to me. I often tell people that part of my job is to be the "hope-holder." To keep hope for them when they have none for themselves until they do or can.

Alleluia This is a word I love to sing (and to say, too.) We were just saying at church last week how glad we were to have our Alleluias back in the service and how we missed them in Lent. There is an Anthem we sometimes sing around Easter that has pretty much no other words than that...alleluia. And then of course there is Handel. He has other words, but the one that grabs us right from the get go is that one (with an H for good measure!)

Context A word I use a lot because I think it is very important not to overlook. Things and people must be considered in/not taken out of it. Bits and pieces out of context are random and easily misinterpreted and misleading I also like it because it has a relationship to the word texture which makes things interesting, as does context.

Perseverate A word I learned way back in counseling school that means to keep repeating something over and over. Since I often do this very thing it's nice to have a fifty-cent word to be able to tell people what I am doing as in "Yes, I have been perseverating on the Easter 5 sermon for several days now."

Geocaching This one meets a couple categories. It's a fun word to say, and something I enjoy doing! My Geocaching name is RevKatKacher and my hubby and I love going looking for caches both here at home and when travelling. I've also gone caching while on RevGal adventures and got my first international cache this year on the BE4.

Random Ramblings of a Wednesday Evening

2011-05-11T20:05:00.000-05:00

Oh. My. Goodness. So I am just off the road for the second time in six days and simultaneously trying to come to terms with the fact that three weeks from today we take possession of our new digs and I start my new job. To say that this feels a little bit like the train is coming on fast would be an understatement. I am feeling every possible emotion that I think a human being could be feeling right now as I try to purge and pack our house, say goodbye to clients and settle them in with their new therapists at work, prepare for my last two services at church, get my credentials in order so I can start producing revenue in my new practice location, get insurance, think about all the transferring stuff that goes with a move, gas, electrical, cable and such, having some conversations about what I might do church-wise in the new place, say goodbye to friends, and just generally fret about the whole darn transition! Oh, yeah, and interview for CPE, which also happened today, and BTW....I was accepted for the extended program for Fall. Whew! Excited about that...another validation that this is what is supposed to be going on here and now, part of something bigger (sometimes at the three a.m. panic I have doubts).

Clergy conference was awesome. So good, in fact, that I was able to pretty much forget all this junk and focus. We had Bill Brosend from the Episcopal Preaching Foundation accompanied by Lauren Winner and Debbie Blue. All had good and helpful things to say about the art of preaching. Lauren talked about the intersection of preaching and spirituality and I had a little aha moment about how important that rhythm really is/was to me, even though it was spread over a month. Now that I don't know that I will for sure have that, I'm feeling a little untethered. I have had some conversations with people who have made some offers of supply that could possibly be "semi-regular" and my Bishop assures me he is still thinking on things as well, so I need to just be patient and wait for the dust to settle. Be not anxious. That thing I am so good at!

Our earlier trip was pretty great also. My daughter by marriage (who I am proud to say claims me as her step-mom) graduated summa cum laude on Friday! She's so awesome and we are waaaayyyy proud of her. We moved her into her first place on Saturday and that was....aerobic, and also fun in its own way. This whole having a kid is a pretty big thing for me at this stage of the game, (even though I sort of feel like I'm cheating as her dad really did the raising and I get to simply enjoy the benefits) it's still such a gift as this was something I had pretty much let go of ever having in my life.

It really is good to be home. I will be happy to be sleeping in my own bed tonight, to settle in for these last days and focus on having a "good end" in this place. While I have not exactly skulked away in the night I have been guilty of doing some abrupt and premature unplugging in the past to protect my heart. I really want to not do that but to remain present and open in each moment and to allow myself to remain here as long as I am here, going only as I really do leave. With God's grace, it could happen.

Friday Five: Royal Wedding

2011-04-29T10:00:00.000-05:00

Westminster Abbey Admittedly the media attention directed at a certain wedding is a tad askew given the challenges our world faces, yet for some it is an appreciated diversion. I'm at kathrynzj's house, along with her mom and sister, for a pre-dawn pajama party complete with scones! And while the DVR will cover us if we oversleep, the participants in the actual wedding had better have someone to get them to the church on time. With kathrynzj's help, here is a Royal Wedding Friday Five:

1) Will you be watching? If so, is this your first royal wedding? Alas there is no time to watch as life in the key of change is moving waaaaayyy too fast these days. I've caught passing glimpses on teh interwebs of the dress, the kiss, the titles...and this will have to stand. I sawbits and pieces of the first one as well.
2) The bride has chosen as her wedding cake a fruitcake. Where do you stand on this pastry? My husband assures me that it IS possible to make good fruitcake, so I will assume she is having a good one.
3) The dress code for royal weddings has not seen the same sad decline as that for most other weddings. If you could design your own royal wedding hat, what color would it be and what special decoration would it feature? Perhaps I could jazz up my own wedding hat...the one with whom I had such a love hate relationship almost a year ago. It's lovely really, cream with lace, old fashioned, but it tends to pull off with every passing breeze and hug. Maybe a little color and....a chin strap!
4) Any chance the Archbishop of Canterbury is using a Sustainable Sermon (tip of the mitre to the Vicar of Hogsmeade)? What would you tell the couple were you offering the homily? I'd tell them to never forget to keep talking, try to maintain a sense of humor and remember they are still people (can you tell royals that?)
5) Believe it or not, kathrynzj is getting up early mostly to see the wedding dress. By the time this post is up, the world will have seen it. Did you like it? It was pretty, I liked it better than Di's, less pretentious.

ALTERNATIVELY: If you don't want to play this, and think we are goofballs, that's okay. Instead of telling us we're goofballs, why don't you tell us something fun you're going to do this weekend. We promise to get around to visit all of you eventually You are both far too lovely to be goofballs! This weekend is the big packing blitz. I don't think it can be called fun, but it might be satisfying and it WILL make the realtor very happy to see all those pristine rooms. And I live to make the realtor happy! I can only hope she feels the same.

Friday Five: Moving Towards Resurrection

2011-04-08T10:51:00.000-05:00

Dorcas says: "Though I am from a non-liturgical denomination, I find myself longing for some of the expressins others of you may experience at this time of year. The same thing happens to me during Advent. At both times I am drawn to the symbolism of darkness becoming light, of longing turning to joy. One of my favorite thngs at this time of year used to be draping the wooden cross at the rear of our sanctuary with a dark purple velvet cloth and adding a crown of (ouch!) thorns--and what a lovely thing it was to see that same cross on Easter Sunday morning, draped in glowing white with a golden, jewel-studded crown added. Not being a pastor this year, I am missing some of the symnbolism I always tried to employ. I may find a nearby Episcopalian or Lutheran congregation to visit at some point, acually. Meanwhile, today I am asking for your thoughts on that movement from darkness to light. Tell us five ways in which you are anticipating, or your life is moving towards light, joy, hope--new things: new ideas, new hobbies, new people...and so on."

One of the things that we have been so longing for in the cold, dark North, this year especially, are some signs of Spring. It has been a very long Winter, and a hard one for many people, and with it has come a lot of darkness of spirit as well as the literal darkness of this season. I am happy to report that there appear to be some very real signs that we are coming into the light! The robins are back and are fat and sassy as they root around in the thawing yards for something good to eat as well as beginning to look for things to nest with. The little green shoots are beginning to peep out in the warm places next to the house where the sun shines longest. The trees have lost their stark winter look and have that blurry edge that tells us there are buds about to happen. The days are longer, and even when it snows (which it still will do, yes even in April) it's not long before it melts away. Today was the first official "no-coat" day in which I went off to work in only my hoodie...brave me!
I've had the opportunity to preach a couple times this Lent, and have been thinking about what happens when people were encountered by Jesus and all the various ways that he brought new life to those who met him...Nicodemus, the Samaritan woman, the blind man, Lazarus, to name just a few.
I've been thinking about all the changes in my own life...those that have been and those to come. I spent last weekend cleaning (more like excavating) through the dressers and closets of a room that hadn't really seen much action on that front in quite some time. It was kind of like a walk back through history with lots of the attendant emotions. Although it's not always easy, it's really good to purge all that old stuff. It moves out some things to make space to let some light in. It reminds me too, of how much more light is in my life now than there has ever been, of just how very much I have to be grateful for. Even the darkness these days is not as dark as in some of those times I'm looking back on. God has blessed me greatly.
There is movement afoot. Change is coming, big change that I can't say a lot about at this point. But I am hopeful that it will be all about light and joy and the movement of God's spirit in a new way in our lives.
There is the light at the end of the tunnel for the house projects. This is truly a good and wonderful thing. We are down to one ceiling remaining to be painted and one toilet yet to be installed. Then it's clean it and spiff it and we are DONE! External motivation is a good thing sometimes. A bright and pretty environment can affect how we feel about our living space in the now as well as some pretty important things in our future, so it's a win-win all around!

Friday Five: Spiritual Practices

2011-03-25T12:41:00.000-05:00

Mary Beth says: "My Sunday school class has hit the "pause" button on our study of First Corinthians and is spending Lent on Richard J. Foster's classic Celebration of Discipline. I have had this wonderful and very readable book on my shelf, along with the study guide for it, for years, but have never discussed it with a group. Because there are only five Sundays in Lent, we are fairly galloping through the book, getting a quick introduction to the various disciplines. The church is also sponsoring a Lenten Centering Prayer group, allowing some of us to sample this discipline in community. I like to think of the spiritual disciplines as vessels that prepare us to ride the wave of God's amazing love and presence in a new way. For today's Friday Five, please share with us five spiritual practices or disciplines from your experience. They can be ones that you have tried and kept up with, tried and NOT kept up with, ones that you flirt with at various times, or even practices that you have tried and found are definitely NOT your cup of tea. Let us know what's worked for you...and not."

There was a Lent a few years ago that I still look back on with a kind of fond nostalgia as "my favorite Lent." There were many things that came together to make it a particularly fruitful spiritual time in my life, but a big part of that experience was that this particular Lent included the practice of several spiritual disciplines, both alone and in a supportive community that had committed to practicing them together during that time. Some of the practices that I experienced during that time, as well as have done at other times have included:

Meditation

Centering Prayer
Fasting
Silence
Spiritual Reading or Lectio Divina

At various points in time all of these are in and out of my spiritual menu, along with other practices. I find them all helpful, I find they all sustain me when I sustain them. But they are spiritual disciplines and I am not always as disciplined as I could be in following them. I allow life and schedules and other such things to intrude and they fall away or get interfered with or otherwise eroded day by day and the next thing I know no longer can claim this practice and must begin again.

My life has never again been quite in that same perfect alignment as it was in "that Lent" in which all those things simply worked. I'd like to think it could be again, but perhaps that is a very tall order. Perhaps it would make more sense to think about how one or perhaps two of these could fit the life I have now, could be practiced to help me get in shape for any and all wave riding that God might have in store. I'd hate to think that I might miss out on a grand adventure just because I wasn't up to the challenge!

Friday Five: Springing Forward

2011-03-18T12:03:00.000-05:00

Jan says: "Whether we liked it or not, we all "sprang forward" with the change to daylight savings time in the USA this past Sunday. There is lightness and brightness slipping in as spring approaches, so let us consider what is springing forth in our lives right now." Name 5 things that are springing forth, possibly including :

What you hope for Oh my....as I look at my little counter and see the days dwindling to our next "great adventure" my hopes are so many. My passion meeting the world's need in a new way, being able to "release" the things we need to in order to move forward unencumbered, being accepted by the CPE program and most importantly, following my Lenten discipline of "giving up anxiety" over all of it!
What you dread All of the stuff in between "here" and "there"
What you observe How many times a day I have to give up anxiety again, after having taken it back....*sigh* God is very patient with me.
What is concrete The "stuff" that needs to be fixed, moved, changed, dumped, schlepped, organized, figured out and generally messed with. "Real" stuff and "life" stuff and stuff that only exists in my head.
What is intangible The bonds that will change but not be broken, the experiences and transformations that came and come still as a result of who we are where we are and where we have still to go.

Ashes to Ashes, God to God

2011-03-09T08:53:00.000-06:00

This is a portion of a post from Ash Wednesday 2008 that I decided to re-post this morning. It's something that has never left me and that I like to think about when I bless people with the gift of ashes as I will this evening at our service.

Post from Ash Wednesday 2008
.....I had the privilege of being the one to "impose" the ashes as the prayer book says. I had to go look the word impose up to see if there was something I was missing here, but all the definitions had the same sense of the word that I am familiar with, that of bringing something on someone with force or at the very least authority, pushing it at them. I did not feel that! I felt instead that I was giving them a splendid gift. The opportunity to remember by word and symbol the fragile and brief nature of this earthly life. How precious it and we are before God. And how God holds us in that life...and that we can indeed trust God to do that.

As I spoke each person's name and said those sacred, sacred words, "remember that you are dust and to dust you will return," I kept thinking about something that was said in our prayer workshop on Sunday, that essentially the "dust" that we are is the stuff of the universe, the same matter as supernovas and stars, glaciers and canyons, the very ground we stand on and air we breathe...the stuff, could it be....of God? "Remember that you are of God, and to God you will return." It was all I could do to hold back the tears as I looked into each face in this wonderful quirky bunch and traced on their heads a cross of ash to carry with them into the night as a reminder of how very much they are loved.

The Slow Roll into Re-Entry

2011-03-07T09:05:00.000-06:00

I remember that my wise yoga teacher told me once that it is always a good thing to change states of consciousness slowly. I do believe that where I was this time last week and where I sit this morning qualify on several fronts as different states of consciousness, and I am trying to heed her advice, but finding it a little challenging my first morning back into the day job.

The temperature here is 19 F this morning. It snowed again yesterday, and it's promised to us that it will do so again today, tomorrow and Wednesday. All the things that I left on my desk are still here and more came to join them in my absence. The loss of my client's husband weighs heavy on my heart this morning as she will lay him to rest today.

The BE was not only all of its own wonderfulness. It was a marker for me. I don't know how many times I said to someone, "when I get back from the BE..." or Right after the BE I will..." meaning that this is the time I will "officially begin to transition from here to there, from now to then. There is much to be done. The CPE application to complete and mail, a house that needs some serious curb appeal, and a "marketing campaign" for yours truly for the next gig, whatever it might turn out to be and a visit with the Bishop and his Missioner about how the church might use me in a new way. Just writing all that makes my stomach do a slow roll that has nothing to do with a week on a boat.

We did make a good beginning this weekend. The stairway is painted! Much of the credit for this goes to my sweet husband who figured how to get the horrible wallpaper off, which we accomplished before I left. While I was cruising he did the skim coating and mudding and sanding and sealed and primed it. So yesterday we finished it up with the final touches and put on the lovely goldenrod color. Just for perspective...this is a project I started six years ago with the initial wallpaper stripping. It stalled and sat. Three weekends of teamwork (mostly the R half of the team on this one) and it's done! Thanks be. So one down and...well let's just say "a few" to go on the house front. "Be not afraid," this too will be accomplished.

This project thing reminds me again that I am not alone. Not alone in this world with my projects and my worries and my tasks, and not alone at all in any sense. It is one of my biggest faults that I keep somehow managing to forget that. In the "this world" sense it has some logic of long habit at least. I did have to rely on myself. But how I extrapolate that to God who has never once asked or expected me to make it on my own, well that's another thing entirely.

I bought a little silver bird in Mexico to add to the things on the chain I wear on my neck (a cross and a shooting star). The bird is to remind me not to fear, as"even the birds of the air" are in God's care, so I am. As I think about Lent this year, I want to work with that fear, that anxiety...to release myself more and more into the care of those loving hands of God who have my name tattooed on them.

Coming Back, Coming Through

2011-03-05T10:52:00.000-06:00

Parts of me have returned from the RGBP BE4 and parts of me have not. My inner ear, or whatever part of us it is that is responsible for the slow rock and roll that lingers after cruising, has not quite let go of the boat. As I'm talking or typing, or drifting into sleep, there it is again, that not entirely unpleasant, but slightly unusual sensation of being just a little elsewhere somehow.

The trip was wonderful. Restorative, connective, stimulating, fun, educational. It got my creative juices flowing at the same time it soothed some pretty deep spiritual and emotional needs. Go RevGalls and Carol Howard Merritt! It's not every day that CE does any of those things let alone several all at once!

But as all with good things, there is the end, and the return to what we left behind. With deep gratitude I realize that much of what I left and return to is good, my sweet husband, great friends, the stability of church and "day job" vocations that feed body and soul. The good thing about going away sometimes, too is that even the hard things I return to have something to say, and I seem to be in a place to hear them a little better.

One of the things I seem to be able to hear, or at least to remember is that old wisdom about "life goes on" in my absence. Big things happened in people's lives, life and death things. Things that maybe I "should" have been here for. I was not. Others stepped in to fill those spaces. A good reminder for my overfunctioning self. I can step away. For a moment, for a time and perhaps go from a place forever and it will be okay for those left there. Others will fill those spaces. Life will go on. Because really, it's not about me in the end anyway. That is not to say I am not important, or do not bring gifts, even unique ones. But somehow there is a balance, a bigger picture at work. I do not have to bear all the burden for any one person place or thing. That has been the freedom at work in my soul as the improbable blue waters moved the ship gently and the words of Jesus conveyed by Matthew sat quietly in my soul. "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life....do not worry about tomorrow....do not worry.....do not worry....do not worry"

Love is in the Air for this Friday Five

2011-02-11T08:48:00.000-06:00

SingingOwl says: "In two days my husband and I will have been married (ulp!) forty years. And, of course, Valentine's Day is coming soon so I'm thinking about love. For today's Friday Five, tell us about five people you love, people who will remain in your "heart" forever. This can be a friend, teacher, family member, mentor, pastor..."

Wow Singing Owl...Congratulations to both of you!

Well of course the first person who comes to my mind is the sweet husband...who proposed to me on Valentine's Day two years ago. Hard to believe it's "only" been two years, and hard to believe it's "already" been two years since that day...and the same thing with the nine months on Tuesday since we tied the knot. In many ways it really feels like we have been together forever, so right and settled are we with each other, and yet there is still the "Seriously? I did not know that about you!" that still can happen to remind us that we have not really been all that long. It's actually kind of a nice mix. We are hoping that we can go for that forty year mark...though we might be getting quite old by that time. Even so, we would probably still be teasing each other about something and finding something to laugh about, something to discover, something to love.
Numbers two, three and four come in a group and are my Soul Sisters. C, S and A are the kind of women friends I had always hoped to have but never quite managed somehow in my life prior to arriving here on the prairie. S was the first person I met here. I had joined a book club (that's what the magazines tell you to do in a new place, right....join up, make friends! Well it sure worked in our case. She led me to the Bible study where I connected with A. I met C through my soul friend (and #5) the "other" C. She also knew the other two and the four of us joined forces in what was first a Bible study, then a force to be reckoned with of friendship, love and sisterhood. One of my best memories is of the four of us taking the "dress buying road trip" to look for the wedding finery. I'd had a lot of coffee before we hit the road and was apparently somewhat....hmmm....unsettled...over the whole adventure. They give me grief to this day.
And number 5 is "the other C"...honorary chaplain to the Soul Sisters, soul friend to me, and soon to be roommate on the BE 4! She has seen me through......the tail end of formation, ordination, the start of my parish ministry, a breakup, re-entering the dating world, falling in love, getting engaged, planning a wedding, getting married....and all the every day ups and downs of life in between.

There are lots of other people who have loved me and whom I have loved along the way, I have been very blessed in the love department. Even for those "loved and lost" there were things gained and treasured, and I do hold them in my heart as part of creating me to be who I am.

Friday Five: Perks of Ministry Edition

2011-02-04T09:46:00.000-06:00

Kathrynzj says: "Thanks to #snOMG this week has had a different rhythm to it for me. Fortunately, one of the perks of ministry is a fairly flexible schedule and quite often the ability to work from home. Another perk of ministry is that I will be part of a worship service that celebrates my friend's gifts in ministry and the ministry she will do with the church she has been Called to lead. These two things have me reflecting on the gifts and perks of ministry and what else I would put on that list. What about you? What are 5 perks/gifts of ministry for you?"

This week (and a bit of last ) have also had a different rhythm for me as well. Not so much due to the weather, we have that ALL the time from November to April, but because of a couple sick days that laid me flat last week and two days of jury duty this week that got my week out of sync.

As a non-stipendiary part-time priest with a full-time day job, my ministry life has a different rhythm to it than that of a full time pastor. It feels sometimes like the two mesh well and run along smoothly together. At other times it feels like my "official" ministry life gets tucked into the little crevices and spaces where there are bits of time and space, even though I have no doubt whatsoever that the "real" ministry never stops...day job or not, and that indeed it is the ministry whether we call it that or not.

But as for perks.....not in any particular order

People....the people I know that I would not were I not doing what I am doing....from folks in my congregation and the larger church denomination, to RevGals met in IRL and not (and those I'm going to SOON!) to my friend L, who stays in my prayers and in my heart even during long silences when I have no idea where he is or what he is up to, and even perhaps my sweet husband, whom I did meet after all for the first time when he was the godfather of the first baby I baptised. Who knows...if not for the impression he made then, would we have connected later?
The opportunities to be part of something big and wonderful that makes a difference. Yes, I'm talking mission and even though I wish we were able to do more, even our tiny little place has done something, has made and continues to make a difference and I get to be part of that, to preach to encourage, to educate and motivate.
Being invited into people's lives "simply because" of the trust given to one ordained. This is to me this huge sacred trust and gift and I try to be ever so careful with it.
The chance to celebrate liturgy. As a liturgy geek for a very long time, the idea that I would be able to be up there doing that just about gave me the vapors back in my pre-ordination days! While I no longer feel the need of stand-by EMT's, there is no less a sense of complete awe and a wonder pretty much every time that I really do get to be here again...on this 100 year old altar saying these very ancient words and feeling gathered around me (literally sometimes) a communion of saints from down the ages, breathing and praying with me.
Preaching. I like it more than I thought I ever would, and I find it a perk because I always always learn something new about the Gospel, Jesus or myself in the process! Yes I grouse sometimes when it's one of those weeks where there are not enough hours to find time to reflect and do solid exegesis and write a meaningful sermon that will touch my little church's hearts while working a forty hour day job, attend to other churchy stuff and trying to have a life as well. But fortunately those are few. I have found a rhythm that works for the most part. We have a schedule and we are on the lectionary, so I can "work ahead" and generally have at least a few weeks between sermons. I start the next one as soon as the last one is preached and it seems to be working so far. I try to follow the criteria of one of my mentors....make it news and make it good!

So those are my perks, and this was a great F5. Kind of like a little gratitude journal, which is always a good thing. Thanks Kathryn!

Friday Five: Books and More Books Edition

2011-01-21T09:11:00.000-06:00

Jan says: "I hope some of you received books for Christmas presents; I did and have been reading ever since. Then I discovered a new author from those recommendations that pop up on Amazon.com. Instead of buying those books, I've been checking them out at the library, which will not help Amazon's future recommendations for me at all. So tell us what you're reading, what you would and would not recommend--five books or authors! And if you don't want to do that freestyle, here are some questions:"
1. What books have you recently read? Tell us your opinion of them. I DID get a book for Christmas from my husband's lovely daughter. It's Blink by Malcolm Gladwell and I am reading and enjoying this thoughtful delve into how we know those things we just know in the "blink of an eye." I'm also reading Christianity for the Rest of Us which is making me by turns inspired and, I have to say, a little wistful. Also just starting David Bach's Start Late, Finish Rich which I got for .01 on Amazon (and of course $3.99 for shipping, but still a good deal.) So far it's in sync with what I've seen on his website and in his earlier works...upbeat hopeful..."YOU can DO IT!!!" I can...but will I? Also reading Little Women on the android Nook just because it was a free download and I am between books and haven't had time to go get more. I just finished Patricia Cornwell's Port Mortuary on the Nook, a Kay Scarpetta mystery. Always a good escape read. And before that there was a Jodi Piccoult. Got a gift card for the Nook from my sweetie for Christmas, so gotta shop before the BE! I'm actually thinking of getting a full size Nook or Kindle. Me the queen of books liking a "device"....who'd a thought! But I love having five or six "at hand" without the lugging!

2. What books are awaiting your available time to be read?
There are piles...one the coffee table, beside the bed, in the office(s)...I don't even know what is in them anymore. Books I bought, books people gave me, loaned me. Someday they will float up (or not) and get read (or not) or returned (or not). So here's notice, if you ever loaned me a book, and you want it back, please tell me, it may be in that pile!
3. Have any books been recently recommended? I'm sure they have, but apparently I did not write them down...and sigh....they are gone where ever in brain such things go to hide of late.

4. What genre of books are your favorite, along with some titles and/or authors you like best? For just plain old escape I love me a mystery, especially with a women protagonist. I like "cozies." I like things set in Minnesota, so Joanne Fluke's little baker/crime solver Hannah Swenson is a favorite as is anything by John Sandford or William Kent Krueger. I'm also hooked on Julia Spencer Fleming and her Rev.Clare Fergussen, Episcopal priest, ex-military pilot, crime junkie and thoroughlyy human woman.

5. What have you read lately that you have a strong urge to recommend? (or to condemn?) The above mentioned Blink is a fun and informative read. I keep wanting to interrupt R at whatever he's doing to say "Did you know....." So he's now reading it along with me. Thank you lovely daughter, good choice!

January Blogging NaBloPoMo

2011-01-17T09:49:00.001-06:00

Today's Prompt: Write about something you feel should not have been invented.

I'm struggling here. I have a hard time with absolutes. There are some things that come to mind as inventions we might well have been better off without. The atom bomb might be one choice. But from some of the research and development that spawned that weapon also came things that were useful. So there you go. Yin and yang rather than black and white.

I have problems in general with should. It's one of those non-negotiable words. Like its friends must and ought and cousins always and never. Very absolute those words are. Up against the wall and rigid they get us in our thinking. Personally, I like a little more breathing room, a little more space and movement for things to flow.

Perhaps there are things I would prefer that there were not flying loose in the world for unwise people to get hold of. Were it my choice, atoms and their power would be used judiciously (if at all) and only for peace, and weapons of any sort (including inciting words) would be carefully guarded and their use would the very very very last resort as a way to ever decide an outcome.

But to censor invention, even in imagination takes me to a place where I would not prefer to go.

Time to Get Up and Play the Friday Five

2011-01-14T09:30:00.000-06:00

Singing Owl says: "Where I am it is dark, and it is cold, and it is snowing. I really wanted to stay in bed with the electric blanket cranked this morning. Share five things that made getting out of bed worthwhile for you today!"

Oh Amen to that! Let's see....not even sure I can come up with five..

It's FRIDAY and that means I don't have to get up quite so early in the dark and the cold tomorrow.
It's only 43 days till the BE (really can that be true?!?!)
It's only 71 days the first day of Spring (not that this really means anything here in the frozen north. We once had 19 inches of snow on the 19th of April. I'm just sayin'
It's less than six months till our next adventure. Not a lot to be said on that yet, but plans are being made, and each day there is something to do that gets me up to face the day and moves me forward toward it.
And last but certainly not least, I got to see that sweet face that makes every day worth getting up for. Ok, I know, I know....but gimme a break, we are still newlyweds!

January Blogging NaBloPoMo (Thursday)

2011-01-14T06:53:00.000-06:00

Yesterday's prompt because I forgot.....What's the biggest lie you ever told?

I think I was about eleven or so. My friend Pam and I, for reasons known only to two silly girls drank a part of one of my dad's beers from the fridge on a hot summer afternoon. And then we left the partial bottle in the refrigerator, which was the first mistake. In my house, there were no partial bottles, ev-er. If we had finished the bottle and put it with the rest of the empties, there would like have been no issue. However, we didn't, and when questions were asked, I compounded the first problem with my biggest (and dumbest!) lie ever..."How did it get there?" "Well I guess dad left it." Busted! Mom of course told dad we drank his beer and I was duly punished and Pam was not permitted to come over again for a while. Yup, lesson learned.

January Blogging NaBloPoMo

2011-01-12T15:46:00.001-06:00

Today' prompt: What do you prefer listening to, music with lyrics or music without?

As my sweetie is fond of doing when I ask him some random either/or question, I'll just say, "Yes."

I know, grammatically that makes no sense, but irrationally I got kind of irky at the prompt..."You want me to choose?" Why?!? There's a time and place for everything and lyrics are one of those things, too. When I just need me some background music...something to settle or soothe me, or something to read or write along to, then lyrics can just get in the way, or be distracting and at that point there is nothing like some lovely lush instrumentals...cellos, harps and pianos are high on my lists. But when I am workin' me up a sweat on the treadmill, or trying to get my rear in gear into a cleaning project....I need to SING to something wild and upbeat to get my blood flowing and my energy moving. So do I have a preference for one over the other? It all depends on the situation.

January Blogging NaBloPoMo

2011-01-11T06:34:00.000-06:00

Today's prompt: What's the most fun you've had without laughing?

Baptising people, and blessing them runs a close second. I haven't had a lot of opportunities to do the former, 2 to be precise, one sweet baby and my friend L. But I get to do the latter often, and it never ceases to amaze me what an absolutely amazing holy wonderful thing it is to be the conduit and channel of this gracefilled offering to God's people. I cannot bless people without smiling.

January Blogging NaBloPoMo

2011-01-10T07:57:00.000-06:00

Today's Prompt: Find a quote that fits your intention for today and tell us both of them.

Thumper: He doesn't walk very good, does he?

Mrs. Rabbit: Thumper!
Thumper: Yes, mama?
Mrs. Rabbit: What did your father tell you this morning?
Thumper: [clears throat] If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all.

It's Monday in the almost middle of January. It's snowing...again, for what feels like gazillionith time already this year. It's cold, it's dark and it seems as if there is no end in sight. Stressors abound on various sides in my world. And yet these melt away in comparison to to the really big bad and dark things around us. The Arizona shooting that has stunned all of us in its absolute senseless brutality, a wonderful friend who has just received a cancer diagnosis that even with it's best prognosis will change her life forever, the sadness and problems that my clients bring me that sometimes feel insurmountable and endless.

There is an absolute temptation to cave in to the darkness and despair. To say things that are indeed "not nice" on so many levels. So my intention today is to follow Mrs. Rabbit's advice and to be thoughtful about my words. To try to be silent if I can't be helpful and if I can't make things better in some way....at least don't contribute to the problem. Not bad advice from a rabbit.

Friday Five: Holiday Redux Edition

2011-01-07T08:58:00.000-06:00

kathrynzj says "Not so fast, revgals and pals!!! Yes, I know it's January and yes, I know some of us are still on a cool sprint after only a brief respite (if that) from Advent and Christmas BUT... before we move too far along into The Next, I wanted to give us a chance to reflect on What Was. A couple of staff members and I sat down today and wrote down what worked and didn't work during the Advent and Christmas season. There are quite a few things bearing down on us at the moment so it was a discipline to do it, but ten and a half months from now Future Me is going to LOVE that we made the effort. And so partly to give us all a record and partly to give us all a chance to reflect on the 2010 Holiday Season now that we are out of it, I ask you this:"
1) What food item was one of your favorites this year - a definite keeper? The oyster stew R made for us the day after Christmas (simply becasue it didn't fit anywhere else in the plan) is definitely a keeper in the holiday menu traditions in our new family unit.
2) Was there a meal or party or a gathering that stands out in your mind from this mose recent holiday season? One tradition that I have been part of now for a few years that is special to me is the community meal on Christmas Eve that my friends over at the Presby church do each year before their candlelight service. I started helping prepare and serve, then two years ago R joined in, and now it's part of our Christmas tradition. This year was bittersweet with memories and anticipation.
3) Were you involved in a jaw-dropper gift? Were you the giver or recipient or an on-looker? Well I don't know that I'd go so far as "jaw-dropping" but I did make my long-suffering husband go on a scavenger hunt for the tonneau cover I got him for the new truck. It was too big to wrap so I'd hidden it in the basement and took him all over the house with rhyming clues to find it. I thought it was kind of fun and hope he did. Now if it ever warms up and stops snowing, we might actually get this nice gift ON the truck and get to make use of it!
4) Was there at least one moment where you experienced true worship? I did supply last weekend at my favorite small parish down the road. We celebrated Epiphany and it was very much an Epiphany in all the lovely ways that can be in worship.
5) What is at least one thing you want to make sure you do next year? Have a more Adventatious Advent. Didn't this year...not sure why, but next year, yeah, somehow, want to have that.
BONUS: What is something you absolutely must remember to do differently... or not at all! OR: If you just want to sum it all up in a few words, that will work too. See #5. And maybe next year, the big tree again, with all the ornaments and the whole fa-la-la.

January Blogging NaBloPoMo

2011-01-06T07:21:00.000-06:00

Today's prompt: Kant said that we require three things by which to measure happiness: someone to love, something we like to do, and something to look forward to. Who do you love, what do you like to do, and what are you looking forward to this year?

Who do you love? Well the first person obviously who comes to mind is the sweet husband. This of course is a good thing! Seriously...I love this man more than I ever knew I could love anyone! I also love my Soul Sisters and my soul friend C in deep and abiding ways that sustain me and feed my soul. I have long loving friendships with people I have known for years and years...the kind you can call and pick up your last conversation from where you left off. I have been very blessed to have these people to love. And of course last but not least....God.

What do you like to do? Oh. My. This could be a very LONG list. I like my work for the most part. I like being with people when they are dealing with important life stuff and empowering them to change things that are not working for them. It feels like holy ground to me to be allowed so far into people's lives and to be trusted with their deepest selves. I like being a priest...all the bits and parts of that....I like crafting sermons and preaching them, I like creating and doing good liturgy, I like doing pastoral care, I like being part of "big church" things that make a difference in the world. I like singing, and reading. I like being with people and being alone. I like traveling (especially road trips with R in the Cooper). I like cooking and trying new recipes. I like writing of all sorts. I like spending time with my "new" family. I like doing arsty things. I like going to live performances of all kinds. I like acting. I like being with my dog and being silly with her. I like spending time doing just about anything (or absolutely nothing) with my husband. I like planting gardens (note I did not say weeding them however). I like listening to music...all kinds pretty much. I'm starting to like working out, or at least the results.

What are you looking forward to this year? There are SUCH big changes afoot that are as yet unbloggable for various reasons. But I am looking forward to them in many areas of my life! New adventures to be shared with my sweetie as well as continuing to be with friends, do what I love, learn new things and continue to grow and become more who I am.

Of course I am also looking forward to 02/26/11! Can't wait to see old friends, meet new ones and to be at sea!!!!

January Blogging NaBloPoMo

2011-01-05T09:03:00.001-06:00

Today's Prompt: Tell us about the day you were born.

Well, it's been a while, so any memories I may have had are lost in time by now. :) There weren't a lot of stories surrounding my birth day. There was one about the day my mom came home and announced she was pregnant to my then thirteen and eighteen year old brothers. The older of the two picked her up and apparently spun her until she was dizzy, so happy was he that she was pregnant and not ill with some dread disease that had been making her so tired and sick. This was the same brother who got kind of sulky when she had to miss some of his high school graduation festivities due to being in labor!

I do have a "birth song" that my mother shared with me, and that follows like a golden thread through my life. Mom told me that when she was going into the labor room the last thing she heard was Gounod's Ave Maria playing on the hospital's sound system. Again as she came out of recovery, that same song was playing, and again the day we were going home, just as we came out into the corridor to be wheeled downstairs, there it was, she said. She insisted she did not hear it any other time all the while she was in the hospital (longer in those days!) So it became our song, hers and mine. Every time I heard it I felt connected to her. I had it sung at her funeral, my ordination and our wedding. And this year on Christmas Eve, my friend CCM who sang it at our wedding sang it again in her lovely contralto in the beautifully candlelit Presbyterian church. I quietly dampened R's shoulder with my tears as memories flooded me, and I knew that mom too, was there with us listening to our song.

January Blogging NaBloPoMo...

2011-01-04T09:18:00.001-06:00

One thing I've been wanting to do in the New Year is blogging more, and I thought maybe doing the January NaBloPoMo would be a good start. And then I didn't. So I'm going to start late and go on and see how it goes....
January 4: Who was your best friend when you were 10? Did you still know him or her when you were 20? When I was 10 my best friend was MaryJo G. Her dad was the butcher across the street. We played Barbies and I went with her and her parents almost every Sunday to Wisconsin to her cousin's roadhouse for dinner. We also went to her other cousin's in the summer where there was an outdoor pool where I learned to swim. Mary Jo and I were a year apart in school. We did go to the asme high school, but once we got there we drifted apart, and they had moved out of the neighborhood as well. We lost touch completely after she graduated, and by twenty I had no idea what had become of her.

Friday Five: New Year's Eve

2010-12-31T14:27:00.002-06:00

Singing Owl Says: "I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions, but it does seem a good time for some reflection and planning. For the last few days I keep thinking of Psalm 90:12 So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. Among other things, that seems to say that reflection is in order if we want to learn and grow.For some of us, this has been an incredibly difficult year; for others it has been a year of many joys. For all of us, there have been challenges and questions and there have been blessings and--maybe even an answer or two! As we say our goodbyes to 2010 and look towards 2011, share with us five blessings from 2010 along with five hopes or dreams for 2011."

Five Blessings

Blessing Number One of 2010..... I finally got to marry that man!

and with him came the multiple blessings of his wonderful fun-loving family (note the rabbit ears!)

We had the resources to travel this year and we took some wonderful trips. Our honeymoon of course included seeing RevGals in TX, and another trip later in the summer took us to see Soul Sister A in the South.

And of course where would I ever be without my Soul Sisters! Through thick, thin and all the way down the aisle, we are there for one another. They truly are one of my greatest blessings not just this year but every year.

.....as are good friends in general....one of the true blessings of my life and one that I will never take lightly. (If you wonder why they all look a little silly...they are blowing bubbles!)

Hopes and Dreams
Well since they haven't come to be yet...those pictures are only in my mind. 2011 promises to be quite a year in our lives. One that will hold many changes that are still in the planning and not yet in the "public" stage. But what I am hoping....

health
happiness
peace
joy
prosperity

....and not just for us...but for everyone. And my hope is that each of us can find ways to take seriously our part in making it happen, can take some small step every day to make the world just a little better place for all to live.
Happy New Year.

Monday on the edge of Christmas week....

2010-12-20T09:21:00.000-06:00

It has been a very strange Advent. It hardly seems possible that it's the beginning of the fourth, and last week, already. I have not been in my church since Advent 1. The second Sunday I was scheduled for supply away and it was cancelled for weather, last Sunday WE Cancelled for weather, and yesterday I stayed home because I was personally a little under my own particular weather....and so it goes. It's been strange in other ways, too. I suspect it's partially the church thing, but I'm feeling rather unprepared for Christmas in the sense of my spirit just not being ready. I feel rather disconnected from the whole business right now, a rather "going-through-the motions" sort of thing.

There are a whole host of reasons for this, I suspect. I've alluded to the fact that there are some stressors in my work life right now that are making it less than a happy place to be eight hours a day five days a week. I'm also feeling some stress in my church life that makes it a little harder than usual to be there, too. And there's that SAD thing that seems to have hit me harder than usual this year. Maybe because winter seems to have come earlier than usual and with vengeance. We have another 4-6" predicted for today. It seems to never stop, and it's technically not even winter yet! It was our hope that this would be our last winter in the cold and snowy land. We still hope that this is true, but I am less optimistic than I once was that we will actually be able to make a major move this year. There are all sorts of reasons for this that have to do with technical rules and regs related to the licensure for my day job and how I was educated for it over ten years ago. It seems that simply being educated for and having a license in a profession for a number of years in one state does not qualify one to obtain that same licensure in another. Oh if it were only that simple! So I'm feeling sort of glum about all of that right now.

And then there was the Lessons and Carols thing. Short story. It got cancelled and I was glad. Anyone who has been here for a while could not imagine that I would ever say that. I could not imagine that I would ever be saying that. But this year....yes. We have (well now it's had but that's another story) a new choir director. He had his own ideas about things. They did not include our traditional L and C but rather a much pared down version. Somber Advent version. Hymns, chants...from the Hymnal, lots of congregational singing. All well and good I suppose. But not our tradition. He didn't ask, he just...decided. There was to be but one rehearsal. All that was needed really for this simple version. It got pre-empted by a blizzard. So did the L and C. End of story. He's decided to step down after a very short tenure as CD. It's ok. He will stay as in the organist's rotation. That should work.

It's snowing. It looks like that prediction is right on point. The cancellations are starting to come in. It will be a good day to catch up on end of year paperwork and maybe some much needed office cleaning. I have some really yummy leftovers to microwave for lunch, and a good book on my Nook to keep me occupied. The trick is to keep my brain busy and on task. It likes to go off down dark little rabbit trails when left to it's own devices. So like a good minder, I must have things ready to keep it gainfully employed.

So begins the last week of the Advent that never really started. There's part of me that still wants to redeem it somehow. Get out the wreath before it's all over. "Light the candles, banish the darkness" the small and ever-hopeful part of me says. Perhaps. Perhaps. I do know still where the box is stored. It would not take so much to find it. One small act to beat back this gloom, one small defiance to claim this Christmas yet.

Friday Five: Christmases Past

2010-12-17T06:53:00.003-06:00

Jan says: "Tell us about five Christmas memories you have."

Well like all things in life, there are those Christmases that are memorable in their wonderfulness, and then there are those that hold memories for other reasons.....and thinking back there are far more of the former

I'll start with my best Christmas memory....my first Christmas with my sweet husband. We had been dating for a few months and I kinda had that feeling about this guy. He was sweet and funny, cute and kind. And he drove that hot little car! Well Christmas Eve came, and I was, as I usually am on that day, helping my Presby friends get ready for their big annual community turkey dinner that precedes the evening service. R had mentioned that he might stop by after work. And stop by he did! He arrived just as the prep was heating up, we were in need of an extension cord...he had one in the truck. We needed someone handy with figuring out how to hook things up....no problem, he was on it. And the next thing I knew he was in an apron next to me scooping mashed potatoes and chatting up the diners. After dinner and clean up we went together to my friend C's lovely service where I thrilled to hear his bass next to my soprano on the carols. After a little lull it was on to my church to get ready for our late service. There too he pitched in, folding the bulletins, changing the hymn board, passing out the candles, just generally making himself very useful....yep he was a keeper. One of our college kids, home for the break was, typically, the first to note to her godmother after the service...."Oh, I see Rev. Kate's got herself a guy." Oh and indeed she did! My friends tell me of that Christmas it was written all over me that I was a goner for him. It's very clear that was the year I got the best Christmas gift ever!
This is one of those "oher ones." I don't remember why it was we moved on Decmber 21st. But we did. And everything that could go wrong pretty much did. Most of the promised moving crew failed to appear, it snowed (of course it did, it's Minnesota! It's December! Duh.) But it snowed a lot We measured it in feet as I recall. But we did finally get everything schlepped from point a to point b. And someone (perhaps it was me) insisted that there must be a tree. I was young and foolish. So on about the 23rd or 24th we went to get a tree. The pickings were slim by that point, but we found a tree, such as it was and hauled it through the snow, back to the apartment and....couldn't find the tree stand of course. So back out we went and got a new one. It was simpler. While we were out there we got some lights, knowing full well that finding ours was pretty unlikely at this point also. Back we went, into the stand, up with the lights and into the corner....fini! No ornaments, no trim. And I'm not sure we even lit it. But we did have a tree.
My first Christmas on the prairie. I was sort of living in two places. Here, but not really here. Home was still in the big city, friends and family were there, but because of work, I had to be here. Sad and lonely on Christmas night I fell asleep under the Christmas tree. I remember a friend comforting me and telling me that in years hence this would become home and of course she was right.
Many Christmases have this memory for me from childhood....midnight Mass followed by hot cocoa and a new pair of pajamas. My mom and I would walk to Mass a block away. The church was always so beautiful, all golds and red, smelling of candle wax and incense. There was no choir, but the organ was amazing and we filled the place with singing. After church I always got to open the one present mom handed me (the pjs) while I drank my cocoa and then go to bed in the new jammies.
Another repeating memory from the past is my dad's Tom and Jerry's. His recipe is lost in time. No one has ever made them like him, thick and battery and sweet. I got to have them sans alcohol as a kid and then graduated to the real thing as a grown up. I bought the commercial ones and being sooo disappointed that they were nothing like his. I can still see him in my mind's eye in the kitchen of our apartment with the big mixer working on his batter. This was something that was all his project and they were great!

Addendum/Bonus...Well after all this thinking about those T and J's I had to go out looking on the Internet to see if I could fuind a recipe that sounded like it might approximate Dad's...and this one sounds like it might come close. I think there may have to be a taste test this weekend. After all I do own a set of those cute little mugs!
Tom and Jerry

12 eggs separated
3.5 lbs sugar
1/2 teaspoon fresh ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar

Beat egg yolks with 3lbs of sugar and nutmeg, cinnamon, and cloves until thick and light
Separately, beat egg whites with cream of tartar until soft peaks form
Gradually beat in remaining sugar into egg whites
Beat egg whites until stiff
Gently fold egg whites into yolks.

To make the classic Tom and Jerry:
Preheat a 6oz mug with hot water and drain
add 1 HEAPING dessert spoon of batter mix
add 1/2 oz JAMACAIN RUM and or/ 1/2 oz good BRANDY
add hot water to taste

Friday Five: December Survival Guide Edition

2010-12-03T08:50:00.000-06:00

kathrynzj says: "Whether a RevGal or a Pal most of us in this cyber community have enhanced responsibilities during this time of year. We also have traditions - religious and secular - that mark the season for us in a more personal way."

For this Friday Five please let us know five of the things that mark the season for you.

Light. Whether sparkling on trees, lighting the dark winter night or glowing from our candles in the sanctuary as we sing Silent Night, it's all about the light.
Music. From the glorious and sublime (think Handel's Messiah done well) to the sappy and sentimental (the Charlie Brown kids caroling), yep...it's all Christmas
Music...subpart 1a...Lessons and Carols. Very special and sacred part of the Christmas tradition at our little church. Bittersweet this year for more than one reason. Likely a blog post to come.
Must. Surprise. Someone. There has to be something, somehow every year that has that element. Some gift, some activity, something I can pull off that has an element of surprise and hopefully joy and whimsy
Feeding people. Whether it's a meal or cookies at home, or helping my Presbyterian friends with the Christmas dinner, it's just not right unless someone gets fed!

And the bonus? Tell us one thing that does absolutely nothing for you.
That would have to be the GIANT tasteless conglomerations of decorations people put together that light up the countryside for miles, don't go together in any meaningful way and seem to just exist to be bigger than the next guys.

To Dream Perhance to....Panic?

2010-12-02T13:02:00.000-06:00

I woke up twice last night just short of panic. This has not happened to me for a very long time. So long that I had almost forgotten how very bad it feels to come out of sleep gasping and disoriented. I think I was having nightmares, but I don't remember. There was something about a snake and, the second time flashes of bright colored fabric. But what it means...who knows? I have never even really been quite sure what school of dream theory I subscribe to. The random flashes of the synapses, that we, makers of meaning that we are, simply must put story to? The "digestive system" of the brain, working through the flotsam and jetsam of the day, putting it in order and figuring out where and how amidst the options available to store this feeling or that memory? An arcane and magical set of symbols, tapped deeply into the collective unconscious or some other deeper Knowing that helps us connect, if we are willing to attend, through our dreams to deeper and greater truths? Or all of this...or none?

All I know for sure is that it is not a nice way to start the day. However, it does feel, as we say in my biz, rather "mood congruent" for the way of things of late. The last time I had these nasty night panic things, as well as waking anxiety at the level I'm now carrying it, was during my internship. Those were twelve long dark months that I'd never wish to live through again. I'd like to think that I am personally a lot healthier now and have a lot more going for me in the coping skills department, as well as a rock solid support system and safety net par excellence. But I also know well my vulnerabilities. This generally is not my favorite time of year. It's cold, it's dark and people often demand cheerfulness of a level that I just can't quite muster. It's pretty much taking what I have to get up and get here, be here. And I am practicing some restraint (the filter posts to the contrary), which takes even more.

I note that I am still capable of gratitude and I consider this a very good sign. Small things that really are not so small...R's knowing when all is not well, coffee in the bloodstream, the waggy Maggie in the morning kitchen....the small Voice that reminds me..."it will pass, it will pass." The knowledge that there IS a cruise out there somewhere with my name on it, and that this time next year......anywhere but here....these things help too. But today is a darkish one. And I am plodding through.

Filter Failure (again)

2010-12-01T10:48:00.000-06:00

Well I lost my filters again. Yes it was another meeting. This time it was my peers and direct supervisor. (Last time I lost it with the Executive Director!) Maybe I should not be allowed to attend meetings. Or should be required to be muzzled prior. I used to be so good at this "sit quietly and keep your counsel" business. But lately....things just spill out of me. They are true things. They are honest things. But they are not always prudent things to say, nor are they always said in the most...um, shall we say...."nice" way. I'm afraid my feelings are pretty apparent...and they are not the "nice feelings" either. I'm angry, frustrated, agitated and incensed. I'm tired of people who have never been "in the shoes" saying how it it is and how it must be. I'm really sick of people with no vision and no sense of mission disrespecting and discounting my education, skills and experience, but even more importantly, the lived experience of the people we are here to serve by micromanaging and setting up silly petty rules that exist only because "the consultant says" they should and only the bottom line counts more than anything else. (Yep, last time I checked I still worked for a non-profit.)

So I am praying for patience and a greater sense of discretion (or a big roll of flesh colored duct tape). The little numbers in the counter to the right are significant. The Next Great Adventure cannot begin until this one has run its course. There is a commitment to be kept and I cannot afford to do anything really egregious. My work here is not done, either. There are people with whom things are still to be accomplished in our time remaining. So one day at a time. Breathing and praying and....skipping meetings? Maybe I need to find that goat again. Or another lovely animal that I can hold and not allow to be "got" by the powers that be. I am open to suggestion at this point.

Thanksgiving Service # 8

2010-11-24T22:05:00.000-06:00

Tonight was the Community Thanksgiving Service, and it's really not over until I come home and write a blog post about it. This was my eighth one here in Little Town on the Prairie, and the march of them has measured my years here, metered my progress in folding myself into the life of this community. The first year, sitting alone in the expanse of the Catholic Church nave wondering if I would ever fit in this place, know anyone, belong. The second and third years, singing with the community choir, knowing a few people, feeling a little more settled. By year four I was a lector, year five, I walked with the clergy for the first time. Years six and seven I was on the planning group. This year I was again with the clergy and read the Gospel. It was bittersweet as so many things are...these "lasts." It's an odd thing to know so far in advance that we really are leaving this place. Not exactly when or for where, but to know for pretty sure and certain that by this time next year I will be somewhere else but here. So many things then are these "last times" that have become part of my life here.

With the way things have been of late, there is a part of me that could pack and go tomorrow. But there are commitments that must be kept, and I know that we will be here at least through Spring. So there will be many of these moments, these quiet little goodbyes with their bittersweet edge. It has been a good ride here and I'm hoping that this bumpy patch now does not portent a bad end. That would really make me sad. I have rarely loved a place as much as I have this one. Nor have I ever been in one physical location where as much emotional transformation has happened to me. I connect here with much that is good in my life, much that is wonderful and special, and I would like that to be what I take away, not the sad and bitter feelings that I have right now. I am gathering in gratitude for all that has been and trying to be hopeful that this trying time is a short season, passing quickly and forgotten easily.

At our service tonight, the sermon focused on thanking those who have made a difference in our lives. A local printer donated thank you notes to pass out to the congregation and the preacher asked everyone to take one home, write it out and mail it to someone who has been significant for us. He encouraged us all to begin the note, Dear _____, "I thank God for you because..." I did take a note and have someone in mind to send it to. But in addition, I have another thank you note to wtite.....

My Dear RevGal blogger friends,
I thank God for you. When I found this ring it was at a time in my life when I really needed to know that there were other women out there doing what I do, thinking how I think, wondering about what I wonder about, laughing and crying, praying and struggling and trying to live authentic and faithful lives "in the midst." You, my blogger friends, have been with me through some of the best and worst stuff I have gone through in my entire life....endings, beginnings....deep pain and great joy... and your support and common sense and good humor have carried me through it, gotten me over it, and probably more importantly over myself. Meeting some of you on first 2 BEs has been so awesome (especially that first one...oh my...talk about your liminal space) and I am SO looking forward to BE4! So even though I am not blogging as much (or getting around to my blog reading either...sigh...) you are the best and remain in my heart with much gratitude as well as in my prayers. So blessings and thanks to the RGBP bloggers in my life.

Maybe....

2010-11-24T12:25:00.002-06:00

Well there is no fallout so far. Maybe because it's before the holiday and follks are kind of distracted. Or maybe what I said was really outrageous only in my head. Or maybe the person who would be most outraged by my remarks didn't even hear them (despite the fact that she was sitting two feet from me at the time). The latter is what I really think. Which is why I of course I was upset in the first place. I feel like one of those characters in the Charlie Brown cartoons talking away about whatever is utmost on my mind and it going out into the world as "wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa." That seems to be my impact level, lately. And it's not just at work in the day job. It's happening in my church life, too. I seem to be reduced to an insect who buzzes around making noise that at most annoys people but certainly means nothing of significance to them. In my head I think I am saying things that might matter. But I am met with blank stares and silence...or in the case of e-mails a complete lack of response..like I didn't even send them. It's a wierd sensation, this verbal invisibility cloak. I'm trying to just stay in my good Zenish observing mode, not get all caught up in it, take it personally and such. But there is no sermon yet for Sunday. There is no work getting done at work beyond seeing the folks and being present to them. I am vastly tired and very glad that tomorrow I can just forget the whole business and eat turkey, weather permitting.

Some Things

2010-11-23T13:57:00.001-06:00

Some things you just cannot say on Facebook. Like "I really need better filters." Especially when it's the middle of the day and one has no business being on Fb any way. But it's true...I do need them, even though it is the middle of the day. I need them now and I needed them in the meeting this morning when I did not have them. I knew I did not have them when I saw the faces of those who have known me for several years as a pleasant and fairly easy going person go round-eyed and white. I knew I did not have them when I heard the tone of the "Please let me finish..." Oh well. They were gone. And I said what I said without them. Dies cast. Words fall. Nothing said was untrue. Not even unkind. Just unfiltered and perhaps a bit less than judicious. Life will go on.

Friday Five: Unexpected Thanks

2010-11-19T10:06:00.000-06:00

Jan says: "With the American holiday of Thanksgiving being less than a week away, I tried to think of some questions for Friday Five that could be connected to this, but in a new way. So here is my one try:" Name five things that were unexpected in your life that you are now grateful for....

Marriage. I mean really! Who knew? I was not planning it, expecting it, really even wanting it. And here I am six months in happier than I ever thought I could be.
Priesthood. Yeah, that one wasn't exactly on the radar either. Oh, passing thoughts now and again. But it just kind of crept up on me, this vocation. And here I am...four years into this ordination thing, and still grateful.
Never in my wildest did I imagine that I'd even go to college (no one in my family ever did before), let alone keep going and going and going all the way to a doc. But I am grateful for the doors it's opened to allow me to participate in people's lives as a therapist.
My dog Maggie. Never thought of myself as a dog person, really. She was kind of an impulse. But a really good one. Can't imagine life without her sweet face now.
That I would finally be any kind of a "techhie." (Yes that's my husband you hear laughing in the background!) But I AM far more than I ever thought I'd be and I am grateful for the ways that my computer and my android and all the things they do make it possible for me to stay connected with the tendrils of my life in all it's many places.

Friday Five: It Is Well With My Soul Edition

2010-11-05T09:26:00.000-05:00

kathrynzj says, "We lead privileged lives. True, some are more privileged than others but the fact that we are communicating right now via technological devices puts us in the privileged category. There are many perks in my life for which I give thanks and then there are some that make everything right in the world during the moment I am enjoying them. I'm wondering what a few of those things - five to be specific - are for you. To help you along here are just three of mine that I will write more about on my blog: drinking coffee out of a real mug, walking into my home after the domestic goddess has been there, participating in the RevGalBlogPals Big Events."

This could not have come at a better time! I have been feeling well...sort of cranky and, um, shall we say, less than grateful lately, and this really reminded me that despite the fact that things are not perfect in RDK's little world (and why should they be!?!) I do lead a life of great privilege and have much to be grateful for. So here's my list for today:

1. Topping my list of thankfuls anytime I stop and give them has to be the amazing people that God has graced my life with. First...my amazing and wonderful husband...He has to top any list. He loves me unconditionally, he has my back. He supports me emotionally and financially (a first for me in relationships..yeah I know I'm a slow learner!) And he is so darn FUNNY...we laugh a lot...and when life is stressful, as it has been lately, that really is something to be grateful for. My other friends are also such gifts. We were talking in our ministerium meeting yesterday about the struggle to have good supportive friendships as a clergy person...and I just looked across the table at C and thought...Yep...God has been good to me on this front as well. It is such a good thing to have someone to talk to who gets me and gets it...the whole church and clergy thing...who is living it, too...who can laugh and cry about it and share perspective in the way that only a fellow traveler can. And my list would not be complete without my Soul Sisters...friends extraordinaire with whom I have shared the laughter and tears and stuff of life of the last eight years of this crazy amazing transformative journey.

2. The tech things...computers and phones and GPS's and all manner of things that even though sometimes I have a bit of a love/hate relationshipwith them....really I do find them to make my life better and simpler. And as our hostess today says, without them, I would not be communicating here...and indeed would not have all the lovely RevGals in my life who are such an important part of my world community.

3. I'm going to be grateful for simple things like pavement. We have been without now for about six weeks. It may be coming (the curbs are in, hurrah), and there is hope for the rest before the snows maybe. It gives me a sense of how much more complicated life could be...and I don't so much like it!

4. I have a new appreciation for family. Mine is acquired and still fairly new to me. There are surely a lot of them and they are pretty spiffy. I have sibs in law and a lovely daughter (I hope she would not mind that I have taken her on in that way) toward whom I feel growing affection and great pride. It is clear that she is her father's daughter in so many ways, and I delight in seeing that as well as in the ways she is uniquely herself. I enjoy watching "the Clan" interact and getting to know how my sweetheart was shaped and formed by his relationship to and among them as well as simply getting to know them in their own right. Because they too are funny and most often times among them are just plain good times.

5. My job.... Simply having a job, and then having one that is meaningful and that makes a difference. These are good things and a privilege. It's been kind of hard here lately and sometimes keeping that privilege front and center gets to be a challenge. But this is a good reminder and I shall endeavor to be mindful of gratitude.

Rest Well Bridget

2010-10-28T18:05:00.001-05:00

You know how it goes, you are prepping a sermon and somewhere in Textweek, one link leads to another and you find yourself reading someone's blog...that links to another blog...with a sidebar of an interesting name...and so you go read her blog. Well that's how I found myself a week or so ago at a blog called My Manner of Life. I got to reading (the way you do sometimes when you "meet " a new blogger), and it seems that about a month ago, the author of this blog faced the loss of one of her beloved cats. Part of her posting about this difficult time included (bless her!) some thoughts about and links to liturgical/prayer resources for the loss of our companions in this life who do not happen to be human.

This could not have come at a better time. I have just come home from that last goodbye to my sweet old Bridget. Dr. Scott said she was probably somewhere upwards of a hundred in cat years. Nobody knew for sure. She was already a grown kitty when she came into my life some fifteen years ago. We had a good run, my quirky green-eyed girl and I. She left this life very peacefully, and I know that she is where the good kitties go, having a nap, chasing a mouse, eating her favorite crunchies with no aches or pains in her ancient old self.

We will pray the prayers for her tonight, and when her ashes return there will be some small liturgy to scatter them in the place where she watched the seasons change and the birds roost. May the Lord grant you a peaceful night and perfect end my sweet furry friend.

2010-10-22T13:02:00.001-05:00

Songbird starts out with this old favorite in a Friday Five about friendship....
If you're ever in a jam, here I am.

If you're ever in a mess, S.O.S.
If you're so happy, you land in jail. I'm your bail.
It's friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship.
When other friendships are soon forgot, ours will still be hot.
and then says...."I'm thinking a lot about friends these days, the ones who rush to you in times of trouble, with a casserole or a socket wrench or an invitation for coffee or lunch or a trip to the foot sanctuary. We meet friends in school or on the playground or at church or in the workplace and even on the Internet. Even as blogging has experienced some decline, the community here has been strong.
For today's Friday Five, some questions about friendship."
1) Who is the first friend you remember from childhood? My first friend was Magda Blum. I must have been about four. She and her family were from the Dutch East Indies and I have NO idea how they ended up in my little town in Iowa. But we were the only little girls in our neighborhood and for the time they lived there...maybe a year or so, we spent lots of time together with our dolls and our trikes having a wonderful time.

2) Have you ever received an unexpected gift from a friend? Valentine flowers at my office the Monday before Valentine's Day (so I could enjoy them longer) from my sweet husband, who is also my best friend.

3) Is there an old friend you wish you could find again? Or have you found one via social media or the Internet? I have some kind of mixed feelings about this...but I think about finding "G" again. I have blogged about her in the past.... the older friend who was so important to me during my high school years and then ended our relationship abruptly. The friendship was a mixed blessing in many ways...she was a positive formative influence in my life, but also abused the power she held in some ways. I guess I'm curious as to whatever became of her and maybe would like to get some closure if that ever would be possible.

4) Do you like to get your good friends together in a group, or do you prefer your friends one on one? Yes.

5) Does the idea of Jesus as a friend resonate with you? I'd have to say not so much on this. I think my upbringing might get in the way here. I was not raised with "Jesus loves me" as much as I was with "Jesus died for my sins" and with that huge sense of gratitude/guilt to get out from under...it's still hard to think about the equanimity that equals friendship.

Friday Five: Connecting

2010-10-15T07:48:00.000-05:00

Jan says: I am currently reading Bowling Alone by Robert D. Putnam, where he explores the changes in community in the USA in the 20th Century. He explains how communities, people, and especially children function better when they live where there is high social capital. Basically, it means that "relationships matter." We all know this because Christianity (and other religions) emphasize the Golden Rule: 'All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye so to them; for this is the law and the prophets.' Matthew 7:1
So here are some questions to ponder for this Friday Five about connecting with:"
1. Self: Who was your hero/heroine when you were about ten years old? I think it may have been a tich later (or not...it's a ways back to remember) but I loved Maria in The Sound of Music and Jo in Little Women Both of them seemed real to me...people who felt deeply about things, were frightened and confused and yet went after the Big Dream in their lives.

2. Family: Who are you most like? Who is most like you? As a kid I was one of those ugly duckling children that that Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote about who feels like she landed in the wrong family...Introvert to their extrovert, interested in all the "wrong" things...I really never felt much "like" anyone. We were not close-knit as far as extended family so I didn't really have the opportunity to find out if there was someone out there in the branches of the family tree who shared something with me, either. In retrospect though, I would have to say that my mother and I do share some characteristics. She was loyal and loving and spiritual and those are things I do see in myself. She also gave me some physical characteristics...some I cherish and some...well not so much!

3. Friends: How do you stay in touch? Face-to face when possible and when not....thanks be for all the tech...e-mail, blogs, facebook, phone (cell these days), skype, IM, text, and now and again....snail-mail.

4. Neighborhood, community: What are ways you like to be involved? It seems to kind of wax and wane...I did community theatre for a while, and also belonged to some other community groups when I was single but have let that lapse for now. I seem to be "nesting" which I guess is appropriate, and hopefully will move into a more involved and active season again at some point.

5. Job/church: Do you see a need that will help in developing connections? This sometimes is a tough one for me. I am a dyed in the wool introvert, and with two vocations that call me out into day long contact with people, sometimes what I want (and actually need) is to disconnect at the end of the day. And yet there are needs and calls and demands and expectations to be connected at church and in the community as well as my own desires to be in relationship with those I care about. It gets to be a balancing act sometimes, and one I don't think I have a good handle on sometimes.

Bonus: A link or anything else about connecting.

A Fall Word Association Friday Five

2010-10-08T09:35:00.000-05:00

SingingOwl says: "Hello everyone! The Canadian geese are excited, forming up and practicing, encouraging each other with honking, the Wisconsin fall color is at peak where I am, and in Kohl's Dept. Store the Christmas decorations are up. Yep, Fall is here. It's my turn to do the Rev Gal Blog Pals Friday Five. It has been a while since we did one of these word association Friday FIves, so here goes, with an autumnal theme. I know, fall is one way on this side of the world and different in other places, but please bear with me as I post words that say FALL--at least where I am.

Give us the the first word that comes to mind (you know how that works, right?) and then add a little something about why, or how or what."
1. Pumpkins make me think about fields full of them waiting to be picked, or wagons by the roadside with those great big ones and little tiny ones alike all for sale."It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" Pumpkin pies, warm from the oven, pumpkin soup with a hint of curry, making Jack-lanterns with crosses for the All-Hallows service, the slippery gloppy feel of pumpkin innards and the hot nothing else like it smell of burnt pumpkin top whem the candle gets too close.

2. Campfire is singing and talking late into the night, telling spooky stories and deep truths. It's sparks flying up into a black sky, the smell that's so good there (and so lingering on your clothes the next day!) It's hot dops and marshamllows on a stick-- the latter catching fire and getting all crusty-gooey good.

3. Apples are that riot of smells in the apple house at the orchard, the first taste of cider for the year, the hayride. Pies cooling on the rack, or being eaten with cinnamon ice cream. Apples are the tart one covered in caramel on a stick.

4. Color Every one imaginable. The blue, blue sky. The changing leaves. The incredible prairie light that I love in this place. The pink cheeks whipped up by cooler days and outside activity. The harvest bounty.

5. Halloween Kids and costumes!

And since it is REV Gals and their Pals, here is the bonus question, sort of a serious one:
What does the following passage from Daniel 2 make you think about?

"Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;

Wisdom and power are his...

He changes times and seasons."

Oh how good it is that we are not in charge...

We with our limited minds and imaginations and thoughts.

We who lack the wisdom to use well the power we do have.

We who fear change.

We who grasp the waning seasons.

God is God...We are not....It is good.

Thoughts While Painting the Porch Window

2010-10-05T14:44:00.000-05:00

Well it seems the monsoons are taking a break and we are finally having some really awesome Fall weather. Blue skies, sunshine, great temps....it's so gorgeous. And we are taking advantage of every minute we are not at work to get those outside chores we neglected all summer done. Garage roofed and painted...check. Front porch walls inside and outside trim painted...check. Outside basement door replaced, garden put to bed....well it's not ALL done...but there is a plan! And there is an "inside list" in process too for the days ahead when the weather won't let us be outside anymore. It ALL has to get done. No more procrastinating. We have a goal to get this place painted, cleaned, purged and pruned of unnecessary objects and we will get there.

I think a lot while I paint. I was thinking yesterday about discernment. About that whole lovely, messy complicated process of sorting out whose will is whose in my life. About how I get MY internal voices (especially those anxious ones) to pipe down long enough to hear the Still Small One. About risk and trust. About letting go and letting myself be led....and how hard that really is for me....and how I really do believe in my heart of hearts that if I just get it figured out well enough, have enough control of all the bits and parts and pieces, leave no small thing to chance....that somehow that will be the thing that will make it all right....whatever that might mean!

Eight years ago I left my nice secure life, my house of eighteen years, my church and my friends, my town and all that was familiar to go off, all alone across the state to do something new. It worked out pretty fine. From it I ended up with a new good job, a home, a very lovely husband, great friends, not only a church...but a congregation in which I share leadership as a priest and my student loans paid off. I also have a whole new sense of myself as a person as a result of the life events that happened during these eight years...events that I know would not have transpired had I stayed put, stayed home, stayed....safe. I knew when I made the journey into the unknown back then that God was calling me out into it....I could not have said into what or for what purpose, but I knew for certain that it was about something bigger than me.

That call came out of something practical.... the need to find a way to pay back student loans. God, I believe, uses the circumstances of our lives as well as the promptings of our hearts as ways to move us towards the places we are called. So discernment. What is the next call, the next adventure? Where do our hearts draw us or our life circumstances take us? Because this adventure will be an "us" adventure. This story will not be first person singular, but will be in two parts. Two minds discerning...better than one? Two hearts attending to where the Spirit might be leading. Someone who helps me calm and quiet myself to hear that small Voice.

So the porch is looking good. And at some point...there will be answers.

"RevGalBlogPals Friday Five: Sometimes It's Just a Job Edition"

2010-10-01T09:49:00.000-05:00

kathrynzj says: "Greetings Friends! This week, despite substantial planning, the staff here has been reeling a bit from the wave of fall start-up programming combined with conversations looking towards Advent and Christmas. There is a lot to be excited about (Children's Choir sounded great!), but there are also some things that we just have to suck it up and get through (didn't we just do Officer Training last year?). So for today's Friday 5 I thought we'd hit on the things that give us energy in ministry and the things that take it away:"
1) What are a few of the tasks that you find tedious/energy sucking in your ministry position? Please note I said 'tasks' not people :) Meetings! Bah! Don't like them, never will. Having said that I realize that they are a necessity of parish (as well as other corporate) life. But I am particularly peeved by those that are ill-planned, badly-executed and go on and on and on. But tell us how you really feel Kate!

2) Is there anything you could do to make one of them better? My main strategies are either avoid or be in charge. I'm not saying those are the best strategies....I'm just sayin' they do work. Seriously though...I have been trying to model "good meeting behavior" when I run meetings. Like having an agenda and sticking to it, keeping to time, keeping it short (really if you can't get it done in an hour and a half...does it really need to be done?), asking folks to be prepared, and if they are not, asking them to "report next time or distribute information." And being direct when "thanks, your time is up..."

3) What are a few of the tasks that you find energizing in ministry? I LOVE LOVE LOVE doing liturgy...always have, and hope always will. I like the act of preaching even though sometimes the prep...not so much (although there are times it's good too). This may sound a little strange, but I have found that blessing people is a very holy moment...every single time I have the privilege of doing so.

4) If given a quarterly spiritual day, how would you want to spend it? Going somewhere to a quiet (and hopefully lovely place to just be, relax, read, pray.....

5) If given a quarterly spiritual day, how would you actually spend it? Catching up I fear....or getting a jump on the next sermons or whatever.....

BONUS: What would your Dream Ministry job include? I would love to run a healing center where people who have need of a place to come and stay for a while (how ever long a while is) could do so. There would be work and space, prayer, good food, companionship and peace, the opportunity to be listened to, offerings of practical skills...communications, job-seeking, budgeting, life-skill stuff...and connections to other resources. There would be space for yoga, meditation, prayer, regular liturgy....a garden, a chapel.....and I'd just kind of....preside....over it.

Thursday Thoughts

2010-09-30T12:20:00.002-05:00

Ok so it's Thursday....halfway through in fact. I'm back from clergy conference...a challenging time in which we tried to have honest conversation with each other about a number of things, look the future of the church in the face (and how we all might fit in it)....and not be too anxious about any of that. In my free time this morning I've been wrestling none-too-successfully with Sunday's Gospel as I'm preaching Sunday and I have pretty much nothing at this point that feels worth saying. Can I say I'm tired? So of course I am taking the avoidance route! Always a strategy when I can't find a way through....just ignore the whole business.

I really am feeling very "waffly" these days about a number of things....running kind of hot and cold. I find I can get kind of momentarily enthused about things...workwise, churchwise, home and self-improvemement wise...but then, without too much ado, I seem to fizzle before action. I'm not sure what that's about. The waning of heat and light? Burnout? Early onset of the annual seasonal funk? I'm feeling "with" the apostles, needing an infusion of something..."increase my..... faith." Sure, that would be good! And yes, I guess I take comfort in what I've been reading in a lot of the commentaries...an increase is not the answer...what you have is enough, what you are is enough. Can I extrapolate? Dare I? That maybe I can just be for now? That maybe what might constitute faith in this case also might include faith in "it will be ok" even without my doing it, willing it, fixing it, changing it or making it happen ....at least for right now. That I might rely for bit on God and grace to simply carry me along without too much efforting on my part? That there might even, who knows, be something I could learn here....remember here?

At any rate, the day is moving along, even if I am not, and the tasks are calling...so back to it.

Monk in the World Day 7 Conversion

2010-09-25T19:50:00.000-05:00

"Conversion for me means to always allow myself to be surprised by God. It invites me to a sense of wonder and awe and recognizing that God's imagination is far wider than my own." Christine Valters Paintner

I have a relationship with conversion that goes back into my past as far as I can remember. God and I have been playing hide and seek with my soul since I was old enough to know there was God....and I have often been surprised. I have often been surprised by God's tenacity with me, with the creativity and gusto with which pursuit was waged over this one soul who often, for years at a stretch gave no signs of even being remotely interested in relating back, and at other times fell into love with this same God with a passion that would please even the most ardent of suitors.

I have, at times longed for an altar call....wished for the chance to make public proclamation of a commitment of my converted self, as if somehow that would, once and for all seal this thing, end this chase, stop this run round and round that we do, God and I. We do it still, and still I am amazed at the will to pursue this soul, this willful child....gone again a-wandering. Not so far, not so long it's true....but somehow lost to God and Self again. somehow strayed. Strayed to place where it's easy to forget, to lose sight of the wideness, the expanse of God. To get mired in the minutia of human trivia and forget that this is not all, this is not it.

Christine cites the line from Benedict's Rule "always we begin again." I am it seems never really converted but always in that process somewhere, always converting, again and again at the point of beginning.... and God it seems takes this chance to always be doing something new. Because I am frequently caught off guard by God. Awe and wonder? Perhaps. And sometimes just plain stark shock. God of the Universe...calling me back...yet again to be surprised by love.

"Friday Five: We Who Sing Pray Twice"

2010-09-24T08:42:00.000-05:00

Mary Beth says: "Music is a part of the human experience, and part of religious traditions the world over. It is evocative and stirring, and many forms of worship are incomplete without it.

Our title comes from a quote popularly attributed to St. Augustine: "He who sings prays twice." A little Googling, however, indicates that Augustine didn't say exactly that. In fact, what he said just doesn't fit well onto a t-shirt. So we'll stick with what we have. "Singing reduces stress and increases healthy breathing and emotional expression. Singing taps into a deep, age-old power available to all of us. When we find our voice, we find ourselves. Today, sing like you mean it." And let's talk about the role music plays in your life and worship."
1) Do you like to sing/listen to others sing? In worship, or on your own (or not at all?) I LOVE music in al forms and find worship without it to be...well a little quiet for my taste. There is nothing better than singing beautiful music with others in praise and worship. It's especially good when it is done well, but enthusiasm counts, too. And I sing everywhere. In church, at home, in the car, in the shower....yep. I'm a singer.

2) Did you grow up with music in worship, or come to it later in life? Tell us about it, and how that has changed in your experience. I grew up RC. We sang. There was no choir in the church of my childhood except at funerals (when it was the seventh and eight graders) and some years at Christmas. Otherwise it was congregation all the way. Some of my best memories of church are singing beside my mother.

3) Some people find worship incomplete without music; others would just as soon not have it. Where do you fall? I like me a little music with my church I do.

4) Do you prefer traditional music in worship, or contemporary? That can mean many different things! It can indeed! Generally I lean to the more traditional. However, I think there is a place in worship for many things...as long as they are well-thought out, well- executed and are a good fit for the time and the place. Last Easter for example, I had been getting a litte whiney about "blah" church music and was thinking aloud with R about this whole topic...I said I wondered what would happen if a "traditional" Epsicopal service had a praise band infusion. Well...God having a sense of humor and all, it just so happened that we were visiting R's sister on the other side of the state for Easter...and guess what? Yep! PiscoPraise. Oh. My. As I said... well-thought out, well- executed.... good fit for the time and the place....yeah not so much! Can you say the Easter Jesus Polka? But then on the other hand, we did a Celtic Eucharist on St. Patrick's night. We used both traditional and contemporary Celtic music, I played a bohdran...and we got great feedback...right time, right place, right stuff.

5) What's your go-to music ... when you need solace or want to express joy? A video/recording will garner bonus points! Taize, taize, taize!

Monk in the World Day 6 - Sabbath

2010-09-23T09:07:00.000-05:00

My name is Kate and I am a recovering Energizer Bunny. It's true. I used to go non-stop from the time I got up in the wee small hours until I fell into bed exhausted at the end of the day. I had three jobs and I usually spent upwards of twelve hours a day in my office...including Saturdays. Sunday...after church...I'd spend another four or so. I prided myself on being able to maintain this schedule. I was tough, I was energetic, I was unstoppable. And I was running full-tilt from my life.

Things are much slower these days. I go to work at 7 and leave at the dot of 5, Monday through Friday. I can't remember the last time I worked on a weekend. I did give up the teaching job. Three was one too many.But in the time alotted I manage to do my day job and also get sermons written. (I preach usually 1-2 times a month) I have learned to work ahead and to write in "bits and pieces" rather than do marathon Saturdays. Of course there are meetings, services, pastoral care visits, articles to write, and other things that do go on outside those hours...but overall life has gotten a lot saner. I play a lot more and take time to do things like going to yoga class, hanging out with my husband and my friends and even watching TV (something I used to say, somewhat pridefully I'm afraid, I "didn't have time for.") R and I go for bike rides, walk the dog, go geocaching, cook together and sometimes....just sit and do nothing!

When I was running my life at top speed, I was very very tightly wound. I had little patience for anything that messed with the schedule (or anything else for that matter, I think now!) All of that busyness served a purpose in that it kept me from having to take a very close look at some things that, at the time seemed pretty darn scary. But it also took a toll. My overfunctioning as I did kept some other people from stepping up and being responsible at times. Sometimes I still grouse about "being the grown-up" but then I have to remember that I am still reaping the fruits of what was sown

Having more balance, more Sabbath in my life is really a good thing. I am having a lot more fun for one thing! Things do get done...well maybe not as perfectly as they once did...but then maybe perfection is not really the goal anyway! It's a really lovely world that God has created, full of joys and wonders. It's hard to appreciate them fully when you are hurtling past at top speed.

Monk in the World Day 5 - Work

2010-09-22T11:24:00.001-05:00

Today's theme is (again) appropriate as I am back at work after having been out sick for two days. In today's reflection Christine talks about the importance of being present in our work. I'm struggling with that right now. Today for the obvious reasons--I'm still under the weather and it's hard to focus on anything other than that. But it's bigger than that. I really love what I do, in both my vocations. Both being a therapist and a priest are, as Christine says, meaningful and creative for me, both feed my soul and help me to feel that I am being co-creative with God as part of something so much bigger than myself. In both I feel that I have the opportunity to use my own gifts as well as to bring something to others. I know that this is a gift and blessing and not to be taken lightly. Nonetheless, I have been struggling lately. I have in my day job a touch of "compassion fatigue," I think. This is the longest stretch in my career in which I have done therapy without a break and I think it may be taking a bit of a toll. There are also some workplace factors that add stress. Funding cuts that demand that we all do more...and more....and more, and some of the politics of the workplace that have never been my thing, but that I have to deal with nonetheless. In my priest life too I have found that I have lost a bit of the excitement that characterized that first couple of years. There too...a little bit of "just tired" and a bit of wrangle fatigue are taking a toll. I'm really trying to identify some ways to inject some new life into both of my beloved vocations. My solution in the past when things got kind of wane-y or stale was to "do something" which usually meant take something on, add a project, a group, volunteer for something. I have no desire to do any such thing at this point. My actual inclination is to lie low and do little. I'd love to be able to take a sabbatical....but alas, therapists and non-stipendiary clergy don't seem to be doing much of that. We do have clergy conference next week. And our new bishop is structuring it to be much more like a retreat. So perhaps there will be some refreshment there. And there will be change in the future....though we don't know just what shape that will take. But it will be a new and different way and place to do this work of mine.

In the meantime, I like the suggestion about having "...gratitude for the chance to do work which supports you." Gratitude has been a powerful and helpful focus for me in the past when I needed to get myself to a better place. And I am grateful that I found, late in life, as it turned out, two vocations to love, two things that I actually would do for love not money, two things that support me in so many ways. Looking ahead I see that the next topic (since I am now a day behind myself) is "Sabbath." Maybe if I get a little better at finding the balance there, along with remembering to be grateful I will be more open again to how much I really am blessed by work.

Monk in the World Day 4 (on the fifth day)

2010-09-21T13:05:00.000-05:00

It's five days in to Monk in the World, and yes, I am posting on day four... I missed what feels pretty much like an entire day of my life yesterday to some very hard-hitting crud. I didn't even wake up until almost three and never really did feel like I was totally functional. At some point I turned the computer on, but never made it to the e-mails or the blog. Today is a little better. It's only slightly past noon and I am up and have taken nourishment....that seems to be staying put!
The day 4 theme is Nature, and in the practice section, Christine says, "Claiming our inner monk means remembering that we are the children of the earth, and the earth is in our bodies. Allow the trees and birds to offer you their own wisdom about living a monastic life." She reminds us to slow down and notice the natural world, the trees, the beauty of the earth and all of creation. R and I went on another of our road trips this weekend. This was a quick motor "up North" and back to attend a family wedding. He is particularly good at noticing things about the countryside as we drive through....which of the crops are ready to harvest, who is plowing rather than just letting a harvested field lie. He also sees the birds I miss, and he knows things about why things happen as they do in the fields we pass. Because of this, and because we are spending more time in the car, I am more aware of all that is out there....how much color and texture and variety in just one passing scene, how the light falls differently on the golden corn than it did just a few short weeks ago when the sun was higher and the crops it shone on green.

Who thought taking a road trip could be part of a monastic practice? But of course it can...any moment can. It's all about remembering to pay attention, and being more intentional about really seeing what is there. That is my "aha" moment for today. Today my body is forcing me to be slowed down, to take things easy. It's a luxury to have time to sit, to read, to just be. The sun is shining on a tree that is starting to turn and the colors of the leaves are amazing. Maggie the Peke is resting happily in the sun with her friend MomCat, and it's very sweet and peaceful just to be here, hanging out, getting well.

Monk in the World Day 3

2010-09-19T18:25:00.000-05:00

Today's topic is "community. This is" a subject near and dear to my heart, and the questions spoke to me.

Where in your life do you experience a genuine sense of community or soul friendship already?

I have gone seeking community it in many places....religious life, traditional and non-traditional church groups and in friendships. In the past few years I have been very blessed to find "soul friends" those people who are with us on the spiritual journey in an especially deep way. I found this kind of friendship with my Soul Sisters, the study group I have been with for going on now five years. We began as a Bible study group but have really become family to one another sharing all sorts of joys and sorrows and growing pains over time. C is also an anam cara to me who literally has carried my through some of the most challenging times on my spiritual and personal journey as well as being there for some of the greatest times of joy as I met and fell in love with my beloved R. And he too is a soul friend. Deeply spiritual and gifted in himself he brings yet another perspective to this journey as we share our lives on this deep level. I really have been richly blessed

When you slow down and listen to your longings for spiritual companionship, what are some of the qualities which rise up as essential? What is true of all of these people is that they are authentic. Each of them has a unique spitual life of their own....not one of them has the same belief system or the exact same understanding of God as the other, or for that matter as I do. And this makes for true richness in our relationships as we explore how it is we understand and relate to the God of our own unique understanding. Another quality is the willingness to seek and be open to the numinous, to be willing to accept that we cannot understand, will never really know in this life what it's all about, how it all comes together....and that is really all right.

Monk in the World Day 2

2010-09-18T12:10:00.000-05:00

The theme today is "hospitality." Christine says of this, that we are "...meant to extend this hospitality within ourselves and seek out the stranger who knocks within on our hearts - that part of ourselves that has been neglected or shut out. This inner and outer act of hospitality are intimately connected. As we grow in compassion for the places within which challenge us, we are able to extend that compassion toward others."

This is very apt for today. XDO is getting married today in my little church. And yes, I am one of the clergy who will be extending the words of blessing upon their happy little heads. It is a good thing this wedding. Not only for the obvious reasons, but because it brings us full circle, XDO and I. To a new and good place in this journey of us....in these lives that have run in courses that have twined and intersected and now gone their (sort of) separate ways. I have learned much from these last fifteen years. For one thing, clearly XDO and I should be with the people we are with now, and NOT with each other! But I also learned so much about myself being in and leaving that relationship. One of the biggest lessons was just what the quote above talks about....accepting that part of myself that has been shut out and neglected. In saying goodbye to XDO and that relationship I said hello to Kate in a whole new way. It was scary and it was new and it was radical. But as I began to develop compassion for myself, it was so clear that there was no way that my true self could ever survive and thrive in what was so clearly not working...really for either of us.

Some people think it is strange that I am marrying my ex....to someone else of course! But to me it feels like the good thing, the right thing...yes the hospitable thing to do. It is clear that C and J are as good a fit for each other as R and I are to each other. They are able to enhance each other and bring things out in each other that we could not do. I have an acceptance of C now that I could not have when we were together, and truly do celebrate and bless this union. So off we go to the wedding wishing much joy to the DO who now belongs to another....with my blessings.

Monk in the World - Day 1 of 7

2010-09-17T16:34:00.001-05:00

So here we are again. As I have said a time or two, I'm a little frustrated with myself and my having become a very occasional blogger in the last year or so. I am not stopping be here as often, either to visit my friends or to do my own reflections. This is indicative of the state of my life at this point. Very full, undoubtedly wonderful, but a bit lacking at times in moments of quiet reflection, of pausing to connect my absolutely amazing and joyful life either to my own center or to those I've become close to in this space. I've made plans a time or two to "just get here and blog" but that has been about as effective as some of my other plans to get myself into some kind of reflective space....so when I saw what Christine was offering at Abbey of the Arts with the "Monk in the World" series I thought, "aha, just the thing to get me thinking and reflecting....and blogging again!" So I'm on day one, and thinking about the two questions posed as starters.....
What is one thing in your life you could let go of for the next few days to make space for the grace of silence? We are talking initially just a little time. Christine calls it a "window" of time....and I'm thinking of the morning when I practice my yoga and sit....maybe trying to be just a little more quiet for just a little longer before I go rushing headlong into the day. I know that sometimes on the mat even though my body is doing asana my mind is more engaged in mental gymnastics....thinking ahead into the day, running through my schedule, having those "rehearsal conversations" in advance for the skirmishes to come. Maybe I could let go of that and practice presence in the practice, actually be there while I'm there for that time, mind and body all of a piece....at peace.

In what ways do you experience silence as a presence and fullness in your life rather than the mere absence of noise? This question filled me with sadness and longing for a time when this was the truth and reality of my life. It was, I recall, a journey to get to that place, begun in a hard year of solitude that pruned away a lot of what I thought I knew and thought I required but that left me with a clear and distilled sense of who I was and what might be important to me. It has slid away a little again, my life is in a different season yet again than either the solitary journey or the one that followed. I do not know how to balance silence and joy, though I have a sense that it is possible.

Friday Five: Insomnia Edition

2010-09-10T14:00:00.001-05:00

Mompriest says: "Last night was a restless night in my home. We are dog and cat sitting for our daughter, which means we have a combined household of three adult humans, four large dogs, two cats, and one kitten. And for some reason the dogs, cats, and kitten, all wanted to sleep in OUR bed. Did I mention that it's just a double bed? Did I mention that it was warm in our room - too cool to turn the air conditioning on but no breeze to blow the cool night air in....add to that my general age-related tendency toward insomnia, and it was a difficult night for sleeping. A number of my facebook friends seem to have similar challenges sleeping....So, on that note our Friday Five today will focus on sleep, or the lack there of. "

1. Are you prone to sleep challenges? Insomnia, snoring, allergies? Other sleep challenges? I have intermittent insomnia. It tends to show up, logically enough I guess when I am more stressed and when I have something the next day that is weighing on me. I seem to get to sleep ok, but then wake up at about three or so and then just can't seem to get back into good sleep. I also am "of an age" where I have that "hot and cold" thing going on...so some nights I play cover toss a lot. R loves that!

2. When you can't sleep what do you do? Toss and turn? Get up and read? Play computer games? When I was single I used to listen to the BBC on MPR in the middle of the night ( and learned a lot of interesting things that way!) But now I don't want to wake my sweetie, so I turn the waves on the white noise machine back on cuz he can sleep right through those, imagine myself on the beach and breathe and pray myself back to sleep.

3. When you do sleep do you remember your dreams? Or just snipets of them? Usually just bits that make no sense and make me shake my head and ask, "Now what on earth was THAT about?!?"

4. Can you share a funny or confusing dream you've had? Or a dream you have over and over? When I am really anxious about something I will have the "phone dream." I am in some situation where I desperately need to call someone and either the phone has no numberpad, I can remember the number or there is some other issue that keeps me from reaching out and touching whomever.

5. When you don't sleep how do you get through the day? Lots of coffee? or a nap later in the day? My life does not generally allow for naps, so I am endlessly grateful for the presence of strong black coffee on those days.

Friday Five: Clutter .....

2010-08-20T08:02:00.000-05:00

Jan says: Since posting about decluttering, I am still muttering about the need for it in my house. How about you?

1. What things do you like to hang on to? Like? I'm not sure...but I do keep books and papers. I have, for example all my tax returns dating back to the 70's. I know, I can let them go....but there they are. Books...I have books from grade school! R is telling me I must purge for the move in future. I know, I know....but the books are a hard one.

2. What is hard to let go of? See #1. I also tend to accumulate and keep office supplies, sewing and crafts stuff and shoes.

3. What is easy to give away? Easier though not a cake-walk, clothes that I no longer want/need.
4. Is there any kind of stumbling block connected with cleaning out? I have this struggle with "well if I get rid of it I might need it" and every time I start getting past it, I have some reinforcement that it's true. Who'd ever think for example that I'd need that box of registration paperwork and catalogs from graduate school? I don't know how many times it almost went to recycling. But just this week I absolutely needed one of those old pieces of paper to verify something! So I guess that box will be staying on with me.

5. What do you like to collect, hoard, or admire? I have a collection of hammered aluminum ware. I debate about keeping it several times a year. Part of the problem is "what to do with it?" I also have some old and "antique" kitchen ware and small appliances that is displayed in my kitchen that I am pretty attached to. But I think a move will help me decide about what stays and gos. The last time I moved though, it cost me more to get rid of the things I was not moving than it did to move the things I was! ( Dumpsters, appliance haulers, landfill fees, etc.) So this time I plan to start the purge earlier and be smarter about how it goes away.

Bonus: Tell us about recycling or whatever you can think of that goes along with this muttering about cluttering. We do recycle. I'm proud of the fact that more goes in that bin than the trash most weeks. I tried composting...not too successfully, so gave that up. Our grass and branches go to the local yard waste site, we buy things from the re-use store and thrift if we can (saves money and feels good to re-use or give things another lease on life). But it still seems that there is a lot of "stuff" in my life that, some days feels like it owns me. So I know there is a purge ahead and I know I could do that ruthlessly and still have plenty of stuff!

Thanks to a WI Farmer and the Government....Freedom!

2010-08-17T19:56:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was kind of a BIG day. I paid off the LAST of my student loans. Only because of the grace of God and the National health Service Corps, I might add. When I finished my doc program I owed the equivalent of the cost of a moderate house...and my payments and "mortgage" were about equal to buying one too! The was I figured it, if I paid $1300 a month for the next thirty years, I'd be just about done. There were only two problems with that scenario. 1) I did not HAVE an extra $1300 a month, and 2) graduating as I did, shall we say, a little later in life....thirty years was going to take me WAY past any one's idea of a graceful time to retire. I had deferred and forbore, and it was, after being out of school a bit, definitely time to pay the piper. This all came to a head on my birthday back in 2002. I was sitting in a field in Wisconsin celebrating my birthday with a friend. S has always been one not to pull punches with me, and as I was bemoaning my "fate" of a lifetime of loan payementss with no retirement ever in sight, she hit me with the one-two..."So....are you just going to sit around and complain about this thing, or are you going to actually DO something?" I knew the something she was referring to....the National Health Service offers to pay back loans of those in health and allied professions who agree to work in underserved areas for a period of time. We had talked about this as an option when I was in grad school, but I had hemmed and hawed and put off seriously thinking about it. It was a risk, I'd have to move...somewhere....my life would have to essentially (or so I thought) be put on hold for the 5-7 years required to complete my service obligation. And where would I end up? (Visions of underserved areas to me didn't include my own state at that time.) But I heeded S's words and when I got home again, I looked up the NHSC. I checked the locations for places to serve and found there were a number of them within a three hour drive of home, and some even had been given a rating that led me to believe that I would have no trouble being accepted for the program should I be applying from one of them. Hmmmm....This might work!.The next step would be a job search. I thought that would take time. Imagine my surprise when I opened the Sunday paper right there in my own kitchen, and there was one of my sites....in my own state, looking for a psychologist! So off went the resume, and very soon I was toodling across the state to an interview, then accepting a job and packing to set off on the beginning of what turned out to be far more of a life-changing adventure than I had ever bargained for. In addition to the obvious benefits of NO MORE STUDENT LOANS....I have gained fabulous friends, ordination, which of course has led to more wonderful adventures all on its own, and best of all my amazing husband! Not bad for eight years. So I'm toasting the National Health Service Corps. A great deal all around. People in underserved areas get good clinicians to come and work with them....and those clinicians....doctors, dentists, nurses, too....get relief from a huge debt burden! This is something the government has gotten very, very right. Thanks and blessings NHSC.

Friday Five: Dog Days of Summer

2010-08-13T07:48:00.001-05:00

Singing Owl says: "Here in the snow belt state of Wisconsin we long for the first signs of spring--perhaps a crocus poking up through the snow, or a pussy willow bud popping out even beneath ice. The first appearance of robins, that most cheery little hopper of birds, causes widespread rejoicing. Spring is followed by summer, a time for home-grown tomatoes, watermelon, corn on the cob, all sorts of "fests," back yard "fry outs" (what they call a barbecue here, for some reason) and trips near and far. I love summer, and wait anxiously for it every year. So how is it that we have arrived at the hot and humid "Dog Days" of August, and I have not done nearly enough of what I planned to do? I want to pack in as much as I can before snow flies once again. How about you? And what is happening for those of you who are in a different hemisphere than I, and it may be cold?"

1. What is the weather like where you live? It's HOT and it's HUMID and I LOVE it!!!! Yes I know, I know, that makes me some kind of wierdo. Everyone around me is moaning and complaining and I am reveling in it. We were in SC for a little vacay last week where it was more of the same and I LOVED that too. It makes me feel good, what can I say?

2. Share one thing you love about this time of year. Well other than that it's hot and humid...I also love that it's light FOREVER, and the days go on and on and on so we can go out and play after work.

3. Share one thing you do NOT love about this time of year. Mosquitoes. We grow 'em large and we grow 'em vicious and they find me tasty.

4. How will you spend the remaining days leading up to Autumn? Playing outside as much as possible. Biking, geocaching, taking the kayaks out to see if I can find get the hang of paddling in a straight line...more or less. But we also have some chores that must be accomplished as well. The garage MUST be re-roofed before the snow (ugh) flies and it needs a paint job, as does the front porch. There are a few other "outdoor musts" that are on our to-do list as well. So we'll try to balance that with our fun time.

5. Share a good summer memory. Oh, hard to pick just one! The wedding and our honeymoon of course got summer off to a pretty good start. Our trip to SC to see Soul Sister A last week and her hubby was great, too. This has been a really good summer all in all!

Bonus: What food says SUMMER to you? My gazpacho ( a takeoff on Moosewood's recipe from the original cookbook and not bad if I do say so myself), anything R grills, and of course potato salad!

Memories, Memories Friday Five

2010-08-06T08:23:00.000-05:00

Sally says: "This year Tim and I have planted and nurtured a vegetable garden, and I have just spent the morning preparing vegetables and soups for the freezer, our veggie garden is producing like crazy and it is hard to keep up with, that said it'll be worth it for a little taste of summer in the middle of winter :-). That got me thinking of the things I treasure, memories are often more valuable than possessions."
How about you, can you share
A treasured memory from childhood? I did not often have the chance to do things with my dad. He worked hard and didn't play much. However, one sunny summer day just he and I took a daylong boat excursion on the Mississippi. The boat was a paddlewheeler. Her name was the Avalon. Amazingly I still remember this...I was probably all of nine at the time. He bought me a little captain's hat and we sat way up on the top deck in the sun and looked at all the sights. It's a memory I will always hold of him.

A teenage memory? Those were some tough years. Probably some of the best times though were with music, singing, playing in the orchestra. It was a time I found something I was good at and had passion for, something that I could get lost in.

A young adult memory? My days in the convent were at best a "mixed bag" in many ways. But I do have one great memory of a night a group of us gathered for some reason out on the hill behind the novitiate. Some people had guitars and we sang and had prayers and then just sat in silence for a while. Suddenly the heavens just erupted with the most amazing meteor shower. It was very brief but quite spectacular (and I don't think we knew it was coming). It stunned us to silent reverence.

A memory from this summer? Well, no doubt the BEST memories from this summer are those of our wedding. Although I have to say. the trip was a close second, and all the fun we have been having around here since has not been too bad either. But of the wedding....still, best moment...walking up the aisle and feeling that moment when I could not go one.more. step. without his hand in mine...reaching out and there he was, just like I knew he would be, just like he always is.

A memory you hope to have? Oh I hope to have lots and lots and lots of great and wonderful memories with my fabulous husband!

Bonus- a song that sums up one of those memories...here's the song we danced to at the wedding...Jimmy's our guy and it sums up our philosophy, if things are hard....breathe in, breathe out, move on....it will get better.

Friday Five: Love the one You're With

2010-07-30T16:53:00.000-05:00

Kathrynzj says: "This Friday Five will post while I'm at the beach which for me is more than a vacation destination, it is a trip home. I have found it quite easy to wax nostalgic about the places I used to live (well, except for one) and have begun to wonder what it is I like about the place I'm living now? For instance I sure do love the beach, but this picture was taken about 30 minutes away from my house - not too shabby! "
And so I ask you to please name five things you like about where you are living now... and as your bonus - 1 thing you don't like.

I like the size of where I am in that it's small enough to get to know people but not so small that people know everything you're up to.
As I may have said a time or two before...there really something about this prairie light.
I have made really really good friends in this place as I have in no other. I don't know if that is about the place, the people in the place or the place I was in when I came to the place....but none the less, this is the place where I found them!
This is where I found I my true love.
It's nice and flat for biking.

The "don't like" is definitely the lack of retail opportunities. We have two marts and a ko and a wee downtown that's kind of spendy. Anything significant in the way of shopping is a good two hours from here. It gets kind of old to have to make what is basically a day trip for retail therapy. But the good has outweighed the bad for nigh on eight years now, and for a place that I thought of as somewhere I was coming to "do my time" to get my loans paid back....well it's been far more, far better and a great trip so far.

Friday Five: Decisions, Decisions

2010-07-23T07:57:00.000-05:00

Songbird says: "Since I've been in the midst of a discernment process, I've done a lot of reflecting on how we make decisions. But don't worry, I'm not going to ask you to reveal a dark story about a poor decision, or a self-flagellating story about an embarrassing one. Let's keep it simple and go with five word pairs. Tell us which word in the pair appeals to you most, and after you've done all five, give us the reason why for one of them. Here they are:"
1) Cake or Pie
2) Train or Airplane
3) Mac or PC
4) Univocal or Equivocal
5) Peter or Paul
Funny....I don't have strong preferences for any of the pairs, and probably could just have easily gone the other way....hmmm....equivocating I guess . But as for #1...since meeting my husband, it's cake for sure. His are hands down the best I have ever eaten. In fact, they are so good he must be discouraged from making them too often!

Friday Five: Forgetful Jones Edition

2010-07-09T13:05:00.000-05:00

Songbird (humbly) says: "No, it wasn't my turn to do the Friday Five, but it was my job to confirm the new person whose job it is, so herewith, the Forgetful Jones Friday Five:"
a) What's the last thing you forgot? Well we "sort of" forgot to go to an open house this week...but really it wasn't so much we forgot as that we went on the wrong night due to the fact that we were relying on information passed on by a friend rather than doing the responsible thing and digging out the invite.

e) How do you keep track of appointments? In the phone. Used to haul around a big ol' planner. Now it's all in the tiny Razor...much lighter and it has an alarm to notify me as far in advance as I need to know where I am supposed to be and what I need to be doing there!

i) Do you keep a running grocery list? Sort of. We do menus (usually) on Sundays after church and then shop for the week after scouring the house for what's low...but if something shows up in-between there is a "place" for a note to add it....if we remember and it gets there. But it seems that one or the other of us is always off to the store for something during the week...and there's usually an "oh by the way, while you are there would you get..." too.

o) When forced to improvise by circumstances, do you enjoy it or panic? Yes.

u) What's a memory you hope you will never forget? Walking up the aisle at the wedding....the moment my hand just sort of "came up" and reached out to R....I literally felt like I could not take one more step unless I grabbed that man and held on for dear life.

Saved-the Scratchy Edition

2010-07-08T09:46:00.000-05:00

I am thinking this morning about discomfort and being saved from it. It's hard not to think about it....I'm itching! A lot. I apparently have something that is rather inelegantly called "lake itch" which I seem to have acquired from my little kayaking adventure on Monday with the Soul Sisters. Apparently some of the lovely little creatures that live in the lake like to also like to camp out with us, and if you don't quit yourself of them quickly enough after leaving with the water they get..... er...under your skin and create little bumpies and all manner of itchiness. My resident expert who has spent a whole lot more time on and in the water than I have tells me cool showers and calamine and time are the remedies of choice. So I have been freezing and slathering myself as directed. Dosing with Benedryl last night helped too...it either calmed then down or knocked me out enough so that I slept through them. But I am grateful for whatever little salvation comes from the itch. They don't all itch all the time, but seem to take turns. It's distracting and annoying and I am happy for moments when they all seem to "sleep" at once. R says it will all pass in a few days. It cannot come too soon.

So as I sit with the folks whose discomfort will not pass so easily, those whose pain is not assuaged by a cool shower and some topical analgesics, I think about being saved from our various pain. How we save ourselves and one another, how we are called to this. That Samaritan heard the call. Heard it enough to go and reach out and offer help to someone who probably thought he was about as attractive as one of my little biters.

Saving Myself from Things I Should be Doing

2010-07-06T16:34:00.000-05:00

Yes this is procrastination blog post. There are things I could and should be doing. I could tie up a couple work-related things in the last few minutes of the day. Or I could slog along some more on the half-finished sermon for the nursing home service for Sunday. I have energy for neither of those things. Nor do I have any deep thoughts about the topic of "Saved" or any other topic for that matter. I am way more tired than I should be for a Tuesday....especially one that was the first day of the work week.

There seems to be a lot of what my friends across the pond refer to as whingeing going on around here. Both R and I seem to be dealing with a lot of folks who can't quite seem to get their stuff together, make messes of things, don't seem to want to take responsibility for the fact, and want to blame others....loudly and at length for it. It's making us both a bit cranky with these folks.

Are they my neighbors, too? Oh bother. I just hate it when the Gospel refuses to leave me alone, even when I want to leave it.

Things Saved

2010-07-03T09:51:00.000-05:00

Thinking about this July theme....and my junk drawers...yes drawers plural. I have three, at least, that actually have that designation. one in the kitchen that has the usual assortment of keys that no longer belong to locks, twist ties, and other miscellaneous stuff that really has no home elsewhere. The other two are the top "mini-drawers" of my dresser. Too small to really be useful for much else, they have come to be the homes of all the stuff I don't really know what else to do with. Things I probably don't really need, am not sure I want but can't really bring myself to part with. For example the extra buttons that come with things. Those always present a little dilemma for me....to keep or not to? I rarely ever use them, or if I need them, can find them, and yet, it seems "wasteful" to just pitch them in the trash with the tags when I bring something home from the store. So, they often go into those drawers. Also in there is broken jewelry. I have trouble parting with that, too. Now we are not talking about valuable stuff here, but the likes of broken chains beaded bracelets that have come unbeaded. Also in there are old wallets, key chains, hair accessories that my hair will never use again, some cards from old friends, a few keys that haven't made their way to the "other" junk drawer, pens, miscellaneous receipts and other pieces of paper. I try halfheartedly now and again to purge these drawers, but there is always stuff that comes out that I look at for a time, have some conversation with myself about along the lines of, "Kate, why on earth are you keeping this?" and then back it goes to be saved for another day.

I don't know what any of this says about me, if anything. There was a point in my life that I got kind of ruthless in purging "excess" things from my life, in getting neat and tidy and organized. I had labels on my pantry and fridge shelves and woe betide anyone who put the mustard in the dairy area. Seriously! I know now that I was a little over the top with all that. I was trying to assume some control over what felt very much out of it. Our fridge and pantry are now in glorious disarray and the rest of the house looks pretty lived in most of the time. But my purge never made it to the junk drawers somehow, and even if it had, somehow I think they might have been immune. My little savings corner somehow...who knows. But there will likely be a move in our future at some point. And that is good motivation for clearing out. When it costs good money to move it, sometimes the definition of what is a "keeper" changes. But for now..."saved" stays on that particular odd collection.

Friday Five: I Want to be a Church That.....

2010-07-02T08:14:00.001-05:00

Sally says: "This has been a good week for British Methodism, The Annual Conference has discussed and debated many things and not shied away from some difficult stuff. New Ministers have been Ordained and received into Full Connexion. Add to that the fact that two amazing ladies; Alison Tomlin and Eunice Attwood have taken up their posts as President and Vice-President for 2010/2011- and that they have both inspired us in their speeches and preaching , and you begin to get the picture.In the Vice- Presidents Address Eunice gave an inspiring account of the type of church she wants to be a part of, almost poetic she said: I want to be part of a church that is prayer-filled -
A church that is resourced and sustained by the Bible,
A church that can offer hope even in a credit crunch,
A church that can live well with difference and diversity.
I want to be part of a church that welcomes the wealthy, those who have power and influence -
A church that knows how to party and celebrate life,
A church that acknowledges death and speaks boldly of resurrection,
A church that doesn’t pretend to have all the answers but encourages all the questions.
I want to be part of a church that throws parties for prostitutes -
A church that welcomes those who seek asylum,
A church that longs and yearns for justice,
A church that listens to those no-one else wants to listen to.
I want to be part of a church that believes in transformation not preservation -
A church where all who are lost can be found,
A church where people can discover friendship,
A church where every person takes responsibility in sharing the good news.
I want to be part of a church whose hope is placed securely and confidently in the transforming love of God -
A church that engages faith in its communities,
A church that makes and nurtures disciples of Jesus.
A church where the story of God’s love is at the centre.
I want to be part of a church that offers outrageous grace, reckless generosity, transforming love and engaging faith.
This is God’s story Transforming Love: Engaging Faith.
My prayer is that by the power of the Spirit of God at work amongst us, it will increasingly be our story.
I want to be part of that church to, and at the danger of trying to add to such a wonderful litany of dreams/ visions and prayers I wonder which five things would you echo from or add to this. What kind of church do you want to be a part of in the 21st Century?"
Simply list the five, and as an added bonus is there a hymn of a Bible passage that you would make your inspiration?

Blessings upon the heads of the British Methodists! If this is any example...you are in good hands.
Now...to the task of dreaming of the church I want to be part of ...

I want my church to....
Include more than it excludes
Ask more than it answers,
Challenge more than it soothes,
Send out more than it keeps, and
above all......never forget that it does not exist to be a church.

As far as some Biblical inspiration....I'd like a church where this is the general order of things, too......"Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who abuse you. If anyone strikes you on the cheek, offer the other also; and from anyone who takes away your coat do not withhold even your shirt. Give to everyone who begs from you; and if anyone takes away your goods, do not ask for them again. Do to others as you would have them do to you.....Do not judge, and you will not be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven; give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap; for the measure you give will be the measure you get back." ( Luke 6:27-32,37-39)

July Here!

2010-07-01T10:57:00.001-05:00

Apparently June sneaked off somewhere while I wasn't looking and left July behind. NaBloPoMo tells me there is a new theme for the month and I'm tempted...again....to try this posting every day business. Partially because in my efforts to restore some spiritual and other disciplines to my life, daily writing might be a good one to add to my newly re-born yoga/morning prayer routine. Plus I like the theme. "Saved." Indeed...I could write a bit about things I've "....kept, rescued, or otherwise prevented from being lost forever," but I could also write about how the same has been true for me. About all the ways that I have wandered off, gotten lost, strayed and stranded in the wilderness of my own creation time and time again, and how I just keep getting....SAVED. The strange ways in which that has happened, how I have resisted it and resist it still...and the puzzlement in my mind about just why it is I do so. I get saved myself about once a day I think and maybe on a good day....I wonder I might be doing some saving for someone else.

So I may give it a go....this NaBloPoMo. Every day? Oh who knows? Perhaps. Or maybe just a little more.

To Strive Not To.....

2010-06-29T13:25:00.007-05:00

I never wanted to get to the point where my only posts were the Friday Fives. Not that there is anything wrong with that in and of itself, but for a long time my blog was my main creative outlet. There was a time there when I was pretty prolific and rarely had a thought that didn't lead to a post of some sort. Now I find that my main writing energy is going into sermons that I mostly don't think are worth posting, and "five things" each week on Friday, I can't help but wonder if my creative juices, at least in the writing department, are running a little low.

Or maybe it's just that balance thing again. The inner life and the outer life and getting them in sync seems to be a particular challenge for me. I have certainly never been happier and more surely and certainly content with life as a whole than I am right now. Marriage and life with R agrees with me! Some other aspects are a bit challenging (there is always something, right?) like work issues and the irklings that come and go just in the living of life with other people whereever we encounter them (yes, church, too....imagine!) But as I have shared with C on more than one occassion....I seem to struggle with how to have a decent spiritual life in times of goodness and joy. God tends to seem more present to me in times of struggle and difficulty. I rely more, turn more....remember more who and whose I am when I am floundering and falling than when I am coasting along in joy or even in neutral.

I was actually thinking about this on Sunday as I sat in my little red kayak for the first time. As in all things I had pushed and struggled to "get it" immediately, expecting that I should get in that boat, pick up those paddles and row myself perfectly out into the water. Umm, yeah....And after the laughter (good-natured of course) stopped, and my companions R and Soul Sister C pointed out 1) the numerous errors of my paddling ways and 2) my "frowny face," I was able to stop and relax a bit and see that I was er....maybe expecting a little bit much of myself for the first time ever doing this. So I stopped struggling so hard to be the perfect kayaker..... played around a little, got the hang of it just a little bit, and found myself at one point out in the middle of the pond, just drifting. It was quite lovely. And when I was ready to go back in, it was a little easier to take myself and my boat in the general direction I wanted to go...without quite so much effort, without quite so much struggle....I did not need to sufffer or strive to kayak...who knew!

I am by nature a striver. It is where I go first....in paddling, in life and with God. The hard way seems to be the way I know how to do it. Something in me still resists ease. Resists even joy? That is hard to admit, though I think it might be true. I think there is some small part of me that still believes that there is some virtue in suffering and struggle, though my post-modern, liberal self scoffs loudly at this notion. I have gone round in this little circle of my own making far too many times to count. And its getting old. I know that God rejoices in my happiness....is in fact the creator of it. Maybe love will teach me....or the small red kayak, or perhaps God in God's time and patience will get through. Or perhaps I will surrender. Miracles happen all the time! There is, at least in the meantime, a blog post.

Friday Five: Hot Fun in the Summertime?

2010-06-25T07:22:00.009-05:00

Songbird says: "It's possible I may have a bad attitude about the arrival of summer. On the eve of the Solstice I left for a mission trip to a town in Maine bordering Quebec. Beset by a swarm of bloodthirsty black flies, and a "classic allergic reaction" according to the PA at the Urgent Care, I had to return the next morning to a week of Benadryl and ice packs. (If only I had known about Bug Band *before*...)But I don't want that to ruin summer for the rest of you. So I invite you to share five things you love--or don't--about summer. The tone is up to you!"

Ooooh poor Songbird! That's terrible...BAD flies.
First of all I have to say I LOVE summer!!! There are way more than five things, but I will try to contain my enthusiasm!

1. It's HOT! That might be kind of self-evident you say? Well remember, we are blogging from the great North here....and really, it's not always that way (even, to be entirely honest in summer). But I love it the most when it is. Hot and steamy is my weather. I know...people think I am strange, but it energizes me when the temps and the humidities are hovering a-waaay up there.

2. SUN and LIGHT. Again....something we don't always have in large quantities. Add that to the heat and the steam and I am just the happiest lil ol camper! I love the light lingering on into the evening so we can play longer....walking, biking or just reading on the porch swing without turning on the lamp. It's all good.

3. I feel freer in the summer than I do in the winter. Maybe it's the fact that there are far fewer layers of clothing required to keep me from freezing. Or that I don't seem to worry so much about setting out for somewhere....I don't have to think about sliding off the road or having to find my way through a blizzard or a white-out. But at any rate, I have a much greater spirit of adventure and willingness to go and do...even new things that push my edge. We are getting kayaks this weekend...and I am excited about learning to paddle that little boat! For a girl who really likes looking at water more than being on and in it.....this is a stretch....but a good one!

4. One of the things I have come to really cherish about small town life is the community celebrations. Band concerts in the park, the annual summer community theatre musical, July 4th parades and fireworks, summer festivals in our town and the little towns around us....the community shows up and plays together and we are kind of at our best. At the band concert the other night a group of little kids in great variety were dancing to the community orchestra. Laughing and jumping and falling down and rolling around in a joyous little puppy pile of all sizes and types and colors....it was so wonderful to watch them....just a little bit of summer heaven.

5. Food. Summer food....fresh veggies straight from the garden, ripe fruit from the farmer's market, grilly things, R's potato salad (which I love second only to my dear late mother's), and of course....ice cream! And everything seems to taste better when you eat it outside.

My only "complaint" about summer would be its brevity. It's just way too short and moves too fast. So, as an antidote, I am trying to stay in the moment and savor each beautiful day.

Friday Five: Running Late

2010-06-18T07:37:00.003-05:00

Jan says: "As I opened up my computer this morning, I directly went to my blog and RevGals to see what the newest Friday Five would be! Nothing was here, which seemed odd. Then I went to look at the calendar and counted the Fridays, and it is the THIRD Friday! How did that happen so quickly? It's my turn, so here's a quickie:"

1. Do you tend to be a late person or one who is timely, arriving on time or earlier? I have always been a pretty "on-time" person, usually arriving just before or at the appointed time. This has all changed since I started hanging out with my now husband, also known as "the early guy." I got a hint of his stance on the time thing when he arrived for our second date when I was barely out of the shower. At that time I thought maybe it was just because he was so eager to see me. But I soon found that this is a life long pattern. My beloved wants to be early for everything. And thus it is, and we are.

2. Have you forgotten anything of importance lately? If I have, I can't remember it !

3. Is procrastination your inclination? Why or why not? Only for big and overwhelming projects. Then I have to do a certain amount to build the requisite tension. It's almost like my little ritual. Wait....wait...wait...ok, I'm tense enough now that I can have my (also required) meltdown about how it's all too much and I can't do it and it will never get done....and then I settle in and produce. Yep all very predicable. I figured this out in grad school to the point that I actually scheduled the meltdown on the project timeline! It has to do with anxiety over my ability to do it "well enough" which gradually I am chipping away at in the dance with the inner critics.

4. Do you like schedules or spontaneity? Which works best for you? Looking at #3...it appears that I am a bit of scheduler..."Friday, 10:00-10:15-meltdown" Yeah.....not too spontaneous. But on the other hand, since R came along, I'm getting more playful and that does involve some ability to just let schedules fly sometimes...so again, both/and.

5. How do you stay on track with the various things you need to, people you must meet, etc., etc.? I used to have a big paper planner book, now I have a phone calendar. The line is "if it's not in the phone, it doesn't happen." And the great advantage of the phone over the paper, besides the fact that it's a lot smaller to tote around....it has an ALARM!

BONUS: Whatever comes to mind about forgetfulness or lateness. It really does irritate me when people just don't show up for stuff or are really late for no good reason, especially when they are chronic about it. There are some people in my life who have this issue and I find I am kind of chronically ornery with them about it. It feels disrespectful and uncaring and like they just don't give a rat's patoot about me or whom or whatever we are all engaged in together. And I don't want to hear their dreary excuses. The rest of us managed to get up, on the bus, in the car, through the traffic, whatever.....get over it! There....got that off my chest...thanks for listening.

Friday Five: Workout Edition

2010-06-11T07:29:00.003-05:00

Mompriest Says: "Recently I started an assertive exercise regime thanks to my daughter who convinced me to join her gym. Truth be told I've been pretty good at working out most of my life. Usually these workouts include walking my dogs, bike riding, swimming, or a yoga DVD. I thought I was in good shape. That is until I started using the machines and taking classes at the gym with people half my age.During this same time frame I have spent several nights a week watching hockey. As the oldest child with three younger brothers I grew up with hockey. Then it was played outside on rough ice and in freezing temperatures. Now I have been captivated by the Chicago Blackhawks and their quest for the Stanley Cup. Wednesday night I sat through a nail-biting game that culminated in the win Chicago's been waiting for. Also going on this week is the NBA playoff and the World Cup Soccer games in South Africa. Lots of sports to distract us from the problems of the day.As if that weren't enough I am recultivating my practice of silent prayer and meditation. This has been a long practice of mine but one that sometimes goes by the wayside of life's distractions. Sadly though I have also just moved far away from my Spiritual Director and will have to try and find a new one in the future.There have also been occasions in my life when I have seen a therapist to help me work out one or more issues in my life. Sometimes these sessions have required more grueling intense internal work than any physical workout I've done. For this Friday Five let's ponder the various ways we work out (or not), physically, spiritually, and/or psychologically."
1. Do you work out physically, spiritually, or psychologically? (I'll let you define what that might mean to you) I have to equivocate on all of them, I fear. The first is the most inconsistent of all, though. I really don't like exercise, especially in its pure form. I have had gym memberships, Y memberships, CURVES memberships and the same thing happens....I start strong and soon and very soon, I am not going. Same thing with home exercise equipment...bikes, treadmills, balls...soon in the corner gathering dust and clothing. I will walk...if someone takes me (even if that someone has four legs and a tail). And I will exercise if it's disguised as play, like a walk through even less than tame terrain disguised as geocaching. But I keep falling for the idea of exercise all the same. Just last night as I was sitting in the hair salon I saw a new "toning and tightening" routine for those trouble spots. in a magazine..."Just 15 minutes three times a week, and...." Well I have that magazine on my shopping list.

And I keep promising myself to get back to my morning yoga practice. For almost TWO YEARS....every single morning....then it stopped, and I just can't seem to get there again. That one is physical, spiritual and emotional. In general, the spiritual & psychological workouts come and go with more or less intensity at various points in time. Right now I seem to be in cruise mode with both. And I'm ok with that. R and I are playing a lot, having fun together....hey we're newly weds, why not! But my church schedule is heating up come August and I have a feeling my spiritual "workouts" will have to keep pace. Who knows maybe my physical and emotional ones will too, just to have enough energy for seven Sundays running and a day job!

2. Are you more inclined to join a gym, or a book club? Right now, neither. I am not in "joining" mode. I go through phases where I really don't want my life scheduled and I'm in one. Unfortunately, my life doesn't seem to be cooperating.

3. Are you more inclined to read self-help books like Gail Sheehy's "Passages" or spiritual books like Richard Rohr or Theresa of Avila? And if so, what is your favorite? I tend to the spiritual. If I'm going to read something psychological it better be pretty good, I'm kind of a snob that way. Spiritual folks.....Parker Palmer, Richard Foster, and do like Rohr and Theresa too.

4. Are you a loyal fan of a sports team? Or do you join the bandwagon when the local team is winning? And, if so, which one? Living in MN almost have to have some Viking and Twins loyalty, but I'm far from rabid. Would like to get up to see the Twins play outside yet this summer. But watching games on TV confuses me and tends to result in nappage.

5. Or do you lean more toward having a favorite theologian/Spiritual writer or self help author and if so, who? And, why. Spiritual. Self-helpers sometimes can be a bit self-promoting...."do my method and be a better person...." and it is often trendy and superficial. The other side....time-tested!

Bonus: What was the last play-off series you watched and did your team win? Ummmm....I think I watched the Superbowl back in the 90's sometime when the Vikings played. I don't remember, but the commercials were fun. Yep. I'm a BIG sports fan!

Patience and persistence- Friday Five...

2010-06-04T07:56:00.007-05:00

Sally says: "As I write this I can see out over our newly set up veggie plot from my study window. When Tim and I moved here in August last year he set to work clearing the ground, this spring I began planting seeds indoors and out, and now the beds are full of leaf and promise. We have harvested some spinach and lettuce, but still have to wait for the main crops....Patience is something that sometimes comes easy and sometimes doesn't, in the case of the garden it is easy, I can see the growth and know that waiting will produce good results. With other things patience is more difficult....Along with looking forward to eating our own veggies, we are also looking forward to seeing four of our children graduate with Bachelors degrees this year, they have worked hard over the three years and stuck at it through some difficult stuff. It would have been easy for them to give up, but they haven't..." With all that in mind I offer you this Friday Five:

1. Is patience a virtue you possess? If it is then does it come naturally, if not how do you/ did you work at it? Sometimes and sometimes not! I'd say I am more patient when it comes to people than to things. I have been waiting on changes with some of my clients for a very long time now, understanding that hurt and fear stands in the way and makes it hard for them to take even the smallest steps sometimes. But if my necklace chain tangles I have about one minute for that and I am DONE! My patience has been getting mightily tried this week as I have been attempting to get our wedding picture CD to cooperate. Technology is another thing I have NO patience for. I want it to work and work NOW! There are over seven hundred pics on a DVD and apparently this is way tooooo many as the programs I've tried keep telling me...to album, to organize, to file, to upload, to print....what's a bride (without a lot of patience) to do! So I just keep trying to be more patient....talking to myself and breathing. Humor helps, as does my sweet R who tells me to take breaks and "just take em all to the store and print 'em...what the heck!"

2. Being patient with ourselves can be a huge challenge, we are often our own worst critics; is there anything you need to be patient with yourself with at the moment? Well...see #1. Yes there is always something...my inner critics have some notoriety on my blog. My biggest self-criticism/lack of patience with myself of late is my lack of self-discipline in a whole host of areas. But then playtime has also increased dramatically (and that does require patience too when it involves geocaching) so maybe it's a wash.

3. Are you the kind of person who can/ will persist with a difficult task? How much of this is personality related? Yes. Despite what I said above about the people vs things business. I can and will do what needs to be done. Looking at the folks I know and thinking about some conversations I've had of late....I think this is pretty much part of us....whether by nature or nurture or tightly knit combo. I don't think it's something that changes much about us once we are much into our lives.

4. Can you spot when persistence turns into pig-headed-ness, or do you never get there? Oh I get there....I get there. Just ask anyone who knows me, they will be glad to tell you this.

5. Post a song or a poem that chills you out and helps you to re-group, re-focus and carry on?
This was somewhere on the net during Lent and I posted it on my computer to use for my morning meditation....I like it....it stayed and I still find myself going there to remember.....

Let Your God Love You
by Edwinna Gateley
Be still.
Alone.
Empty
Before your God.
Say nothing.
Ask nothing.
Be silent.
Be still.
Let your God look upon you.
That is all.
God knows.
God understands.
God loves youWith an enormous love,
And only wants
To look upon you
With that love.
Quiet.Still.Be.
Let your God—
Love you.

Bonus, a picture or a photo that speaks to you of patience or persistence....It was a long time coming......

Friday Five: I Would Put My Hand in the Fire for That

2010-05-28T08:41:00.003-05:00

Mary Beth says: "There is a German expression: ich würde die Hand dafür ins Feuer legen, which means: “I would put my hand in the fire for that.” I learned it many years ago, while reading the Best Reference Letter Ever: written by a very distinguished linguistics professor for a student who went on to win a prestigious international scholarship. This student, he said, was destined for greatness; and he submitted his judgment with the certainty of the expression above.I’ve always held the concept as a very important indicator in my mind. “Would I put my hand in the fire for that?” I sometimes think, and it helps me to make a decision or see a situation more clearly. It’s similar to “is this the battlefield I want to die on?”These days (certainly as every day) there seems to be so much difficulty, wrong, pain, injustice, and mismanagement in our world, and I need a little revitalization. Often when I feel this way, I’ll write a list of things for which I’m grateful, but that’s certainly been done, and I need a bit of a stronger draught.So, what are five things for which would you put your hand in the fire? Things / people / causes in which you believe passionately and completely? This might be demonstrated in that you would take extraordinary (for you) action…donations, marching, writing letters…or merely in the way you live your life. You may give as much or as little detail as you wish."

1) Family. Starting with R and extending out to his people which are also now mine. This is a new and wonderful thing for me to belong in this way to a group of people who take this bond seriously. Even as the newest "outlaw" in the bunch I know without a moment's hesitation that I would indeed put my hand in the fire for him and his and that it would be 100% reciprocal.

2) I am trying to leave a smaller footprint. I don't know how passionate that sounds, but it is a steady, daily commitment. Trying to be conscious of my impact on the environment and walking more gently on the earth by recycling and reusing and being generally more conscious about the impact of my choices.

3) Communication. Spoken, written...whatever it is. I work hard at trying to be honest and transparent and clear. At not using words to manipulate or as weapons. I try to teach others to do the same.

4) My Spiritual Life. I have always been passionate about God. I would put my hand in the fire for God and my need for that relationship. Sometimes in my life that passion went off in some interesting directions. Sometimes the passion, like in any long relationship, had to be reawakened and revitalized (on my part of course...I'm pretty sure God's is more steady and unwavering). But in the end God/the relationship is always there and I could not live without.

5) Participating in Healing. I couldn't think of exactly the right word/phrase for this one....but I am passionate (at least most of the time) about being able to participate in this amazing thing that goes on for people as they discover their capacity to heal and recover from whatever they are struggling with when they come to therapy. To be able to offer them skills and tools and to be able to be there with them as they discover how to use them....well it's pretty darn amazing, and I'd stick my hand in any fire for the privilege of doing so.

Back to the Regular World...or Re-Entry Again

2010-05-26T11:40:00.003-05:00

If I were accused of being a tad whiny about being back it could be true. If it might be thought that I felt a little put upon by this week's schedule of work and meetings and sermon prep, that also could surely be true. If anyone asked if I'd rather still be on vacation...definitely true! This is one of those weeks that has a tad too much in it even if it were not the first week back. But, none the less, I am being very efficient about it all, getting it read, watched, written, attended, laundered, stowed, picked up, ordered, and generally attended to. And it's making me tired and more than a little long-ish for the slower days of "what shall we do next" that went by all too quickly.

But at some level it is good to be home again. I'm "in the process" (no not that one, thanks be). This one is the name change process. Once again I'm asking myself what we did before the Internet. I found this absolutely wonderful little website that is walking me through, step by step everything I need to do. It has checklists and letters and forms and tells you where to go to find the other forms, like the one for social security and the one to order a new passport. Many, many many people need to know that I added a hypen and a name, it seems.

We are also beginning the wonderfully large and lovely task of thanking people. The generosity of family and friends was truly fabulous and we are aware of how blessed we are by them. It will be fun to revisit the cards and think again about each of them as we write our thank you notes.

But for tonight it's off to New Testament class. Our ministry team is growing and with new people in formation comes coursework again for all. Even review is good, because hearing things for a second time I hear things I missed the first! So off we go to discuss the the context of Jesus' time, ancient Judaism and the NT's authors....who, what and why. This time last week....I was eating Mexican in Houston with sunburnt feet. Time does fly.

Countered Out

2010-05-16T20:32:00.003-05:00

I guess maybe it's time to say goodbye to my little wedding counter on the blog. It's been with me so long, it's kind of hard to imagine going to the blog and not seeing it there, but it really has outlived it's purpose. It isn't even accurate of course, because now it would have to start counting the other way.... up the scale in days after the wedding. And well, I think I have plenty of other things going on that I really don't need to do that.

The wedding was really a day worth counting down to, though, through all those three hundred and sixty some odd days. Everything was just as I had hoped it would be. Beautiful liturgy, lovely music, a great party, love laughter and celebration abounding. Even the weather was absolutely gorgeous. R looked so handsome in his Prince Charlie kilt get-up, our bagpiper played so splendidly and made us cry with Amazing Grace. My friend C's sermon was spot-on. R had arranged for us to have a carriage ride around town and then be delivered to the dance. It was so amazing. As the horses clopping and bells announced them, people would come out to see and call out congratulations to us. It was so sweet. The dance was a lot of fun, too. My feet wore out, but I loved watching R dance with his sisters and boogie out into the night. We are both feeling the effects of a little too much dance floor activity today (oops we are not as young as we think we are!) but it was worth every minute!

Today we opened gifts with friends, ran errands and got ourselves packed and ready for the Big Texas Roadtrip. Departure is tomorrow at 0600. We are looking forward to seeing Jimmy Buffett and ALSO RevGals along the way.

Life is good so far as Revdrkate H-K. I'm finding being married to this man very much to my liking, as I was quite sure I would after all the time we spent thinking about it and planning for it. Great adventures lie ahead...and the first begins tomorrow!

Three....

2010-05-12T08:02:00.003-05:00

Yes, as my Facebook friend says, it is a Trinitiarian number. It's also a very small one. For which I am feeling grateful. And excited. I have been told I am not the world's most patient person. I don't always wait well. Well....I have been waiting, it seems ,for a veeerrrrrrryyy long time for May 15, 2010. And it's almost HERE. Other than excited, though, I am really calm. Not freaking out, not anxious, not worried. Just happy and oh yes, did I mention....excited?

I think everything is done, here, ready....whatever. R's groom's wear arrived. The folks had forgotten to ship it. Had a feeling when it had not appeared as a charge by Friday on our account. So he called them and "ooops!" So yesterday, there it was....and I did get to see a sneak preview via phone pics when he tried it on. OMG! He is gonna knock me over on Saturday! He is so handsome. Of course he just grins and says, "yeah, I can clean up ok."

I saw the Soul Sister's jackets for their dresses last night too. A local seamstress made them and each is unique to the woman. The sisters are all also going to be really gorgeous and are getting really excited. I'm so looking forward to our little slumber party shower. It's been tough since A moved away and we have had to talk with her each week by phone and computer....better than nothing but not like being together for real. Their friendship and being part of this has made it so much fun. From the beginning, it really has been like having sisters to share the process.

I really am submerged in gratitude right now. R is the best guy anyone could ever hope for. And I have the greatest friends anyone could imagine. Those who are very close here, and those who extend out IRL and virtually as well. I just feel very, very blessed by all of it.

Wedding Minus Six and Counting

2010-05-09T20:10:00.003-05:00

I hope this doesn't sound irreverent, but I kind of feel like I do sometimes at the beginning of Holy Week. Lots happening, lots of things to plan for and do and be there for all week long, all culminating in a Big Day at the end with even more things to plan for, more things happening. It feels busy, a little overwhelming, but in the end you know it will all be wonderful and turn out just as it needs to.

Yesterday I kept hearing this little ticker in my head...."This time next week...." And this morning as we sat together at worship I realized that the next time we are in church for a service it will be to be married.

This has been an amazing week. We started out last Monday about $700 short of what we needed to make our budget for the wedding. To say that this was stressing me out would be an understatement. But I really tried to stop acting out of "functional atheism" and trust God, grace and abundance, and just put out there the idea that we have all we need and that it would be ok...somehow. And wouldn't you know, all week, money that has been owed to the two of us from various places has just been "coincidentally" arriving in the nick of time, and as of yesterday, we were within $20 of our goal!

So all is ready and all is well. The gifts for my attendants are wrapped, the little surprise favors that I have for everyone at the dinner are ready. My two totes for the church and the reception hall decorating are all packed. R and I have our "to-do" "to-call" and last minute "to-fetch" lists for the week. The Soul Sister attendants are psyched for our shower and slumber party Thursday and trip to the nail salon Friday. I finally found cute comfortable shoes! One pair for the ceremony that I think I can last an hour in, and a more "sensible" pair for the rest of the day.

The biggest challenge for this week is going to be to stay with each day as it comes and to be focused at work as much as possible. There are little helps along the way. Monday a yoga class, Tuesday a massage, so maybe I can stay a little bit calm. It will be, as one of my friends says, what it will be. And I'm here and counting.

Losing Time Fast

2010-05-06T07:49:00.007-05:00

Time is moving along at a very FAST pace! I just got home yesterday from clergy conference. It is much more a tribute to the quality of the conference than anything about me that I was able to be present there at all with any quality of attention. Especially considering that up until sometime late Saturday afternoon I thought that the conference started on TUESDAY! It didn't. It started Monday, as it always does. But for some reason, earlier on the dates had been published as May 4-6, and those had been put in my head and my planner, those had been the dates requested off work, scheduled with clients...yeah, the whole nine yards. Saturday afternoon, I finally got my room confirmation telling me my room would be waiting at the retreat center on May 3.....May WHAT?!?!? Omigish......Well that set a whole flurry of stuff in motion! Fortunately, the conference does start later in the day, so I was able to go into work early Monday morning, get most the clients rescheduled to Thursday and get on the road. But it got my week off to kind of a wild and crazy start. I just told our receptionist to blame it on addled wedding brain. She just laughed at me. Yeah. There's a lot of that going around. The addled brain and the laughing.

The conference really was good though. Lots of reconnecting with folks, learning and reflecting, chances for moments of prayer and singing together. Tuesday we did Public Narrative. I'd been asked to give one as an example, then to be a "coach" as folks worked on theirs through exercises during the day in small groups. That was all good. Kept me focused and busy. Tuesday night I went to a small group talking about "Doing Small Well" talking about church starts that basically require nothing more than "two or three gathering" for the sake of the Gospel in a hurting a world. Hmmmmm...... Wednesday we had some work on what we might look like if we left the world of church as we know it behind and truly concentrated on God's mission. It too was good and thought provoking. We then had one of the simplest and most beautiful bare-bones Episcopal liturgies I have ever experienced led by our new Bishop. We are very blessed by him. He brought to conference Ana Hernandez, who did things like this with us
There was more like this....and singing bowls, and chanting with an instrument called a shrooti (or shruti) box, and praying with a drum. So it was very, very good....to go and be with folks and feel actually relaxed and present, and centered and focused. And sadly, to also realize how frenetic my prayer life usually is. I feel like lately I sort of "drop in" on God for a quick chat. Perfunctory visits in the midst of twenty other things that are getting done in a day. Being there made me miss my daily yoga practice, made me long again to sit meditation. Made me wonder again what did ever happen to that particular lovely little morning discipline. Well I know what happened. One day I just woke up and didn't do it. Or the next day, or the next. And then it was gone. And some how starting again has felt like too much. So I haven't. But with that practice went some other good things that I am missing and really would like to have back in my life. So I am setting an intention that post-wedding, post-Texas....I really am going to get that space reclaimed both in my physical and emotional world and get back to the quiet and the mat every morning.

But in the meantime....nine days. Really it's a week. Because it all starts on Thursday. Soul Sister A arrives from The South, we have the shower and our bridesmaid slumber party....and it all rolls on from there. My biggest stressor right now is the budget. I keep waking up in the night remembering all the things we forgot to put in the budget....my last hair appointment, the food for the rehearsal dinner for heaven's sake! We are running a tight ship here, and I tend to want to panic over these little things. But I am trying to get myself to go to abundance, and to remember to "breathe in, breathe out....move on." In my heart I know all really will be well. I just need something to stress about and this works as well as anything, I guess. At least I am not worrying about anything important....like the marriage! About that there are NO worries. This is only money, and it'll all be ok in the end, I'm sure.

So back to work today. Trying to focus on the tasks at hand. Paperwork needs to be done and folks to be seen. Meetings keep happening. So off we go.

Friday Five: Friendship

2010-04-30T15:53:00.003-05:00

Kathrynzj says: "I spent the better part of last week on a continuing education cruise with a group of revgals. Both the class on hospitality and the connections made with friends (old and new) were phenomenal. I always have a difficult time with re-entry into reality from times away but this, aided by getting nailed with strep throat, has been more difficult than usual. Not only does it a take a few days (weeks? months?) for it to stop feeling like I am on a boat, but my heart misses my friends.In parish life the boundaries are clear and they are there for a reason, but it can make the life of a minister a lonely one. It is such a tremendous gift to spend a few days with women who not only are wonderful and gifted, but who also get exactly what you do and why you do it. The hugs are genuine and free and the laughter is awesome.Many of us have friendships - past and present - with these same qualities. And so today we will celebrate Friday with friendship:"

1) Do you remember your first best friend? What did you do together? Are they still in your life?My first "BFF(s) were a group of girls I connected with in eighth grade. Before that I was pretty much a loner, and teaming up with Dodie, Mare and Shorty (yes, we had nicknames, I was Jinx...who knows!?!) was a wonderful thing. I remember the blue mohair sweaters we all bought at J.C. Penney and wore with our uniform skirts, getting together at one another's houses after school to play games and gab, and just hanging out. We banded together initially because the cool girls wouldn't have us as part of their gang....but then we discovered that we actually did like each other. The three of them went off to the same high school and I veered off to "the Viz" and we lost touch. Maybe I should Facebook them!

2) Did you ever have to move away or have your best friend move away from you? Not until this year. Close friend Soul Sister A moved to South Carolina. But she's coming for the wedding and we are having a slumber party! Woo-hoo!

3) Are there people in your life now that you can call 'friend'? Thanks be, there are. In ways I would not have begun to comprehend at an earlier age. Richer, deeper, surer. And my best friend? I'm going to marry him.

4) What are some of your favorite things to do with your friends? Talk. Talk. Oh, and then there's talk.

5) What is a gift friendship has given you? Oh so many.... But the best one? To begin to see myself reflected in a different way in the eyes of those who loved me.... kinder, softer...than I would ever have seen myself with all those old critical voices I used to carry, opening the possibility for the first time that I could let them go, find the authentic me that lived within. I owe that to friendship and love. That's a great great gift. Along with acceptance and laughter and unconditional love and great hugs and secret code words....and way, way too many things to even mention.

Tell Me Your Story....

2010-04-29T14:37:00.006-05:00

I actually have something to think about that has taken my mind off the wedding, and what's been even more consuming, the getting of the last details together for that trip to Texas for a little bit. Who knew that was even possible at this point! But it's true. My clergy friend D with whom I had all the great Millennium Development Goal adventures in "my year of living Di" as I like to think of it now, has been in touch recently. Seems our new Bishop has asked her to do some teaching on Public Narrative at our clergy conference next week. And she is turn is calling upon some of us who have involved with her in this process in our parish MDG projects to help "demo" by giving our own public narratives, being coached and then coaching others in small groups. "Oh, would you, Kate?" she asks...and of course, I said yes. Well what I said was (with some tongue in cheek) "it's not enough that I'm coming to clergy conference the week before the wedding, now I have to work too!"

So I have been working on my public narrative....which is basically a story in three parts, and goes something like this....
Part I Story of Self: I am calling you (my audience) to this challenge because of this about me....
Part II Story of Us: We have faced and overcome this similar challenge in this way.....
Part III Story of Now: NOW is the urgent moment we need to act on this challenge because....
And the best part....it all happens in six minutes!

So as part of my prep for this, I've been going back through some of the things I wrote during that year...and remembering. That was quite the time. There is no doubt that we did good work. We raised significant money for our project, which was important all by itself. But beyond that, I think for a time there I believed that we were going to transform something in a BIG way....the church, our parish, our individual selves maybe..... And while perhaps that did not happen quite the way I envisioned it, I think we did do some transformative work. The process changed me. I claimed myself as a writer because I participated in this. And I knew myself to be part of something larger in a new way. And I know it changed others, too. One of my congregants who participated as part of our team foun his own voice as a result of telling his story. Another, sad to say, found a well of anger in herself and decided to walk away from us. But that too is a part of growth and transformation. The fire burns both ways sometimes as it transforms us. It was quite a time as times of change are. Heady and wild, deep and full of the Spirit running among us. I remember at the training we had with the folks from the Kennedy Center. As we were drawing our diagrams and doing our brainstorming we declared so confidently that we were setting out to "DO the Gospel." And for a little time there, it seemed that we did. Missional church, right here, right now, burning among us. The fires have banked a bit, and I'm feeling a bit of sad nostalgia for those hotter times right now. As ever, balance is so challenging. But who knows, maybe telling the storis again will bring something back to life again. Stories often do. Isn't that after all, why we tell them?

There's a ONE in Front of THAT NUMBER!

2010-04-27T07:23:00.018-05:00

WE ARE IN THE TEENS!

I have condensed all the small lists into one major one. There is really not much left on it. And that is a good thing...because we are in the home stretch here. We have pretty much done all we can and have to do until we are at the big day itself, or at least much closer. It is really too soon to get the food for the groom's dinner or haul home the extra tables and chairs. We can't decorate anything, dress anyone, cook anything. In short, right now, there is really nothing I can be in control of. And it's making me a little crazy. Just ask R.

It's all out there. The caterer, the DJ, the flower and cake people, the piper and the vocalists, the organist and clergy, the folks who are shipping R's wedding wear....all completely independent actors in this little play called "Kate and Rick's Wedding," and all capable of making choices that could change the day. Note I am sane enough still to say "change" the day and not big and awfulizing words like "destroy" or "ruin." The only person with enough power to do that is me. And for sure and certain I would not....and NOT over any of the people or things listed!

The thing is....we have the important things covered. R, me a license and clergy. Clergy? Oh my yes....and then some! For starters, we are being married by three of them...my two team members, CT and M, with able assist from my spiritual friend and guide C who will preach. Also available in case of some unimaginable clergy wipe-out, however....my attendant CMR is an ordained lay pastor, my one of my vocalists is also a lay pastor ( though I'm not sure if she has the power to wed), and there will be at least one Episcopal priest in the pews. And I'm sure there will be a witness or two present, as despite my earlier rant, there have been a few RSVP's in the affirmative. So we will be married. Affirming before God and all assembled what WE already know to be true....he's mine, I'm his. It's forever. Amen. And the rest is party.

It's just the planning for that party that has me kind of wound up. Wanting all the pieces to come together just right. And I keep thinking of things to add little touches of fun and surprise. But I think we really are there. I have my two totes packed, one for the church and one for the reception site, both brimful of those "little touches." There are still some ribbons to add and bows to tie, gifts to wrap for my "maids" as the bridal shop keeps calling them. I find myself running through the whole thing in my head trying to think of what I may have missed.

But in the end...it will all be what it will be. And it will be wonderful, I know. As my sweet and wise beloved keeps reminding me..."Breathe in, breathe, out...move on." Yes, dear.

Friday Five: What is There to Smile About?

2010-04-23T11:49:00.003-05:00

Jan says: "With the end of RevGalBlogPals' third annual Big Event, I am wondering who went and what it was like. There must be a lot of smiling from the Big Event! Hopefully, the rest of us are not frowning either.So let us know how your past week was for you. Write five different aspects of the weekOR answer the following questions:"

1. When were you smiling lately? When my sweet guy came to pick me up at the shower my workmates threw bearing the beautiful flowers pictured above! He is such a keeper!

2. What happened unexpectedly to you this past week? I got an e-mail from a friend asking about "details and directions" for the wedding. It reminded me that I forgot to invite her and her sweetie. OOPS!

3. How was a catastrophe averted (or not)? See # 2. Invitation sent pronto!

4. What was the most delicious thing you ate? Jambalaya. Made by R from recipe in a cookbook my friend CMR brought him back from the Bayou (slightly modified for midwestern ingredients). YUM!

5. Did you see any good movies or read any books or articles? No, but I went to two really fascinating workshops on neurobiology, and how meditation and mindfullness actually changes our brains.

Sweet Events

2010-04-22T07:48:00.002-05:00

As my sweetheart told me last night, "you have really nice friends." Yep, that I do. Coworkers, to be exact. Threw me a really lovely shower they did. We met at one of the local hotels, had drinks and dinner. There were little boxes of chocolates and nuts, decorations and cake, as you see. And presents....lots and lots of lovely presents. Gift certificates for pedicures and massages, a couple nice bottles of wine, some very nice little things for me to wear....of the black and slinky persuasion! There were cookie sheets and Tupperware, gift cards and wine glasses, a beautiful picture frame and an album for the wedding pics. All just very thoughtful and wonderful gifts.
And thanks to the very wonderful organizer, there were no silly games! She had talked to me beforehand about that and told me her thoughts on that....about which I was in total agreement. We had a drawing at the end for the violets that she used as centerpieces. I drew the names. That worked!

I picked up the service bulletins yesterday. They look really nice. One more thing off the list. And now the first social event has happened. We really are picking up steam here. OK....focus....back to work. Still have three weeks to go. Must. Be. Productive.

I Has Jitters

2010-04-21T09:25:00.004-05:00

I seem to be sort of useless today. Having a hard time settling in to do the things I need to get done. I wonder if it has anything to do with the tick, tick, tick in my head....Twenty-four days. Or three weeks and two days....or 566 hours, 32 minutes and some seconds as the little counter on the blog tells me. I had an e-mail on Sunday night from a friend asking about "details and directions" for the wedding. All well and good, you say, except for one thing...I realized that I had forgotten to invite them! So now my brain has gone off on that little tangent. Who else, I wonder, have I forgotten? Or for that matter, what? Something...vital or not....that I was supposed to remember to do, get, take care of.....My lists are my friends. But in order for lists to be effective things have to be ON the lists.

Pet peeve of the day....people who don't RSVP. Is that something unique to this part of the world, or are people just universally not good about this? My invitations were, I thought very clever, with a little tear off post-card part for the rsvp....complete, or course with the stamp. All very simple. I have not heard a word from twenty people, yea or nay. So do I assume no news is a no and they are NOT coming? Obviously not, because I know for a fact that some of them really are! I told R that in my shrewier moments I feel like those who have not responded should have to stand and watch the others eat...but he, kind soul that he is, says, "no honey...we will just order extra, and assume more are coming than have responded." A couple people told me they "accidentally" threw out the response card but they are coming. Sigh. Oh well. At least I know.

My other meh for the day....the cleaner DID shrink my dress....not a lot, just a tich. It is silk and they washed not dry cleaned it. And now it hangs just a little different, pulls just a little er....snugger in a couple places. So I am trying to eat less and walk more and hope that by the 15th it will feel as lovely as it did before. The good news is that they did get the tiny coffee stain out. I am trying not to obsess about this. It is not the end of the world.

On the happy news front, our new cabinet has arrived and that and the new dishwasher are being installed this week. The cabinet is beautiful and it classes the heck out of the kitchen. The fact that we were getting it created motivation for new light fixtures which in turn caused ceiling patching and painting which triggered wall touch-ups....so the kitchen will be its best self ever very soon.

My workmates are throwing me a shower tonight. The last one of these I went to involved lots of er....interesting lingerie type items. I'm not sure if that is what they have in mind for me or not. But I appreciate the thought and I'm sure we will have fun.

I guess getting back to work , and at least trying to focus on the task at hand would be a good thing. I have a feeling this could be a portent of the next few weeks and my productivity level.....

Pack Your Bags Friday Five

2010-04-16T07:40:00.005-05:00

Songbird says: "I'm preparing to pack my bags for the Big Event Three, and as I gather what I need I'm thinking about just that: what do I *need* to take with me? As a person who likes to pack light, I worry that in the end I may underpack and wish I had other things with me. I own the gigantor version of the bag to the right, but my morbid fear of having it go astray and not get to the ship means I'm more likely to try to pack it all in a carry-on bag instead, especially since I have a very tight connection on the way to the cruise. But won't I be sorry if I don't bring _______________?"

1) Some fold, some roll and some simply fling into the bag. What's your technique for packing clothes? As in most things, I have an eclectic style....a little rolling, a little folding, and when it gets down to the wire, I have been known to fling a thing or two. I like to do the roll things into things so they don't wrinkle, and also tuck the little stuff into shoes and other spots. Actually I think I am usually a pretty good packer. I lay everything out that I plan to take and then subtract half of it...and often still end up with more than I need! For our own Big Event, the upcoming honeymoon road trip to Texas, R and I have decided to keep it light so I'm challenging myself to see if I can pack almost as small as he does. I say almost because this is a man who could, I think tour the world for a month with all his belongings in a small paper lunch sack! So there will be much rolling, folding and tucking and NO flinging, as I attempt to pack a wee bag to tuck into the boot of Gladys the Cooper. Really though, what does one need for riding in a car, sitting on a beach in Galveston and hanging with 1) RevGals and, 2)Jimmy Buffett? Comfy clothes, a swimsuit and cute sandals, I'm thinkin!

2) The tight regulations about carrying liquids on planes makes packing complicated. What might we find in your quart-size bag? Ever lose a liquid that was too big? Oh those regs rankle! My first BE found me getting sent back to the check in counter to check my luggage as an alternative to losing a whole bunch of bottles as I hadn't flown in a while and had no idea there even were rules about 3 oz. bottles in baggies. The lovely people unpacked my entire carry-on right there in front of God and everyone and gave me the "option" of losing all my contact solution, lotions, shampoo and such, or "go check the bag." So, after repacking (no nearly so neatly as the first time...much flinging...) off I went! Had the best time once there, too....and if it weren't for this other l'il thing going on, I'd be there with all y'all this time!

3) What's something you can't imagine leaving at home? Contacts and their solution. Glasses fulltime on vacay...not an option! Everything else I can pretty much get...but I'm fussy about my "soak."

4) Do you have a bag with wheels? Never leave home without one unless I'm going on a very short hop with minimal stuff. Wonder how we ever traveled before them!

5) What's your favorite reading material for a non-driving trip (plane, train, bus, ship)? I am still a nervous flyer and have some problems concentrating, so anything I read has to either be pretty "fluffy" or very absorbing. I usually go with magazines on airplanes, or else pick a popular novel that I have already started so that I can easily sink into it once we are in flight. On the BE, there were WAY too many other interesting things going on to do any reading (like talk to RevGals and get tats!), and I don't have the opportunity to travel by bus or train these days.

Friday Five: On the Road Again

2010-04-09T10:45:00.008-05:00

Sophia says: "My family is heading out to my husband's parents for the weekend later today. They would have preferred that we come at Easter, but I preferred that my choir director not bring my life to an early end! (Five liturgies to sing between Thursday and Sunday, two with major solos). So Low Sunday it is. Some Gals and Pals may have been able to travel to join family or visit a vacation spot last week; some who had to stay put then may be traveling this weekend; and, if I recall correctly, some lucky ones are heading out to the Big Event next weekend. Hence: a road trip Friday Five"

1. When was your last, or will be your next, out of town travel?

Last: Last weekend when I did "skip Easter" and we went to R's sister's house for the Holiday and I got to have a different kind of Easter worship experience which I posted about on the blog a couple days ago.

Next: Our own "Big Event" honeymoon road trip to Texas! can't wait to see me some Rev Gals, as well as go to that Jimmy Buffett concert, of course! And have some beachy time and soak up some HOT which I have been craving during this long cold Northern Winter.

2. Long car trips: love or loathe? Since the arrival of the splendid R and his cute little mini Cooper "Gladys" I have to say I have fallen in love....oh yeah, with road trips, too. It is one our favorite things to do together, near or far. Just jump in Gladys, open up the sun roof and Wheeeeeee.....off we go!!!!!

3. Do you prefer to be driver or passenger? I used to have to drive. It was all about that need to control, I think. Now, not so much. I can share...sit back and relax and see the sights, or take my turn at the wheeeeeeeel...er wheel as needed.

4. If passenger, would you rather pass the time with handwork, conversing, reading, listening to music, or ??? I can't read in the car....headache of major proportions. When it's R and I, we can never seem to run out of things to talk about. But we also like to sing along to the radio. Loud! I can knit and crochet....and talk and/or sing at the same time, so do those together. When traveling alone, I LOVE LOVE LOVE books on CD to pass the trip, especially since I seem to go back and forth and back and forth to the same places all the time and need to break the monotony.

5. Are you going, or have you ever gone, on a RevGals BE? Happiest memories of the former, and/or most anticipated pleasures of the latter? Oh, sigh...yes. This will be the first one I am missing, and if it were not for my own BIG BE on May 15th, I'd be cruising with all y'all with bells on! The first one especially was liminal, transformational and soooo amazing. The combination of where I was in my my own life, the "away-ness" of it all, the fact that I simply decided at kind of the last minute to go, there was space....it was all such a God thing. The second one was lovely as well. My best memories of that time were the night singing out under the stars and the moments spent in conversations.

6. Bonus: a favorite piece of road trip music....ANYTHING Jimmy Buffet sings is good for me...he will be singing us down through Tulsa, DFW, Houston and on to Galveston in May. He even gets to sing our first dance music at the wedding....

Yipes!

2010-04-06T07:50:00.002-05:00

I signed on here this morning and looked at the little "how many days is it..." counter and realized there is a 3 as the first number. Oh. My. Goodness. Butterflies doing a little dance in my stomach. It must be excitement, because it can't be nervousness. Everything is done and ready. We went and registered for the license yesterday. In five days we can pick it up. The nice lady told us in our state they do not mail them because "if they get lost in the mail, well, it's not good." Yeah, I can well imagine! In filling out the form I was asked to fill in the "bride's name after marriage" and found myself writing my new hyphenated moniker for the first time. While we were waiting for the clerk to input our data into the computer R and I were making a list of all the changes that one hyphen will affect. New driver's license, new passport, new professional licensure....on and on. He asked me if I was sure it was worth it, to go through all this to add his name to mine. Because this is my thing, not his. He has no need of this. But for some reason it is important to me. Maybe because this came so late to me....this first and only marriage, the public aspects of it are important. And frankly, let's face it, because inside this strong feminist woman, beats a romantic traditional heart . There is a part of me that wants the world to know that I am publicly, legally and forever linked to RK. I am his and that is that. He likes to remind me that names and ceremonies are not the stuff that creates this bond, and I know this...truly I do. But I also know that ritual and symbol matter, too. Will we be more committed to one another on May 15 after the ceremony than we already are? Of course not! But having said that, I would not forego publicly celebrating that commitment, either.

So, right now, we are planning the largest party I have ever thrown. And yes, I am a little nervous, a lot excited, in those proportions. There was once a time when I literally could not entertain. Even small events would throw me into such a tizz that it was simply not worth the anguish. What if no-one came? What if it was a disaster? What if? What if? What if? That very anxious and insecure me still lurks, though I am able to soothe her most days. There is no doubt that people are coming and a good time will be had on this one! My lurking doubts on this one are things like catering and dj no-shows....but I am assured that even though the contractual arrangements are a bit more casual than my "big-city" past would find comfort in, all will be well and people will show and deliver at the appointed time. And if not....well, we can call out for pizza, and R has enough music in his iPod that we could dock it in a speaker set up and dance for days. We have two priests and a Presby minister on tap for the ceremony and enough guests have already said yes that I'm sure there will be a witness here somewhere. I am quite sure the two of us will appear....all the essentials are in place.It's all good. The dancing butterflies are excitement...not nerves.

Easter Comes Ready or Not!

2010-04-04T18:18:00.004-05:00

It's not the first time in my life that I've thought that God might have a sense of humor...and that it might be just a tad on the dry side. It had been kind of a hard Holy Week....I struggled with the services....it felt like there were so many words, so much ritual, and I had such a hard time feeling a connection with it. It felt a little, well, stale....like old things done too often that had perhaps lost their meaning, at least for me this year.

Easter morning found R and I on the road motoring across the state. We had decided that since this was the first holiday since his dad's death, we really wanted to be with his family. So I excused myself from my place this morning and did a little research to find the Episcopal church closest to his sister's that would work out time wise to allow us to have worship and arrive for dinner with the family. Early this morning we headed out and as we were driving along and chatting about this and that, I was sharing some of my Holy week discontent with R and saying...."Gee I wonder what it would be like if there was an Episcopal church that used some of the praise and worship style music and liturgy that you usually find in more Evangelical churches, rather than the very traditional worship that we are used to?"

Well now I know. It turns out that the church we ended up in for Easter service had exactly that! There was a drummer, a guy on an electric guitar and the music was definitely not done in the traditional style. Some of the other aspects of the worship service were also done differently than I am used to. I found myself taken a bit aback by it all. I guess I am a little more traditional than I'd like to think. Or perhaps I can't be pleased no matter what. But it definitely felt a little like "be careful what you ask for."

The sermon was a definite bright spot however. "Where is Jesus, anyway?" was the question of the day. I think it's the question I wrestled with mightily through Holy Week....what do all the words and ritual have to do with Jesus? I don't know that I have an answer. The priest's answer to the congregation today was clear. Here. Here in this place. Here where you have those that love and care about and do for and serve one another just as Mary and John and Peter did. They did it, she said, even when they really didn't get it. So maybe it's ok if I muddle along ,too, not really sure about why I'm a little fuzzy on some of the fine points right now.

Big picture....Jesus is here too....in the love of my new family who seem to be taking me in....just as I am. In the gift of my sweet R, soon to be vowed forever mine in front of God and everyone! In the grace of simple things, in saying goodbye to our congregant P whom we laid to rest on Holy Saturday, in navigating well the changes that are coming in our team as we change and shift in our roles, remembering that just because we can does not mean we should and that working harder is not always what God really wants of us.

Three years ago today, I baptized a lovely little baby girl. One of her sponsors was a handsome man named R. There was something about that man that caught me....I never forgot him, and in forty two days.....I will be marrying him. Again I say, sometimes I really do think God has a sense of humor.

Happy Easter.

Friday Five: Good Friday

2010-04-02T09:56:00.004-05:00

Sally says: "It seems almost irreverent to post a Friday Five on Good Friday, so I will try to treat it with some respect. I am still mulling over the darkness of last nights Tenebrae Service, the silence as we left was profound, and although I travelled home with others we did not speak, there was a holiness about it.....and yet we know that holiness was born of horror!So as we enter into this darkest of days I offer you this Friday Five:"

1. Of all the gospel accounts of the crucifixion, which one stands out for you, and why? Today, this year...John. It seems more focused on Jesus, less on the the atmospherics, the other details surrounding, if that makes any sense. That is where I am this Holy Week. Another year might get a wholly different response.

2.Do you identify with any people in this account, how does that challenge you? Peter...sigh...and I wish I didn't.

3. Hymns or silence? The hymns and many of the words, for that matter this year did not touch my soul. I think silence might have had a better chance.

4. Post a poem or a quote that sums up Good Friday for you? I don't know that it exactly sums up Good Friday...but it's a favorite and speaks to me about something that resonates with this day.....

No, no, there is no going back.
Less and less you are
that possibility you were.
More and more you have become
those lives and deaths
that have belonged to you.
You have become a sort of grave
containing much that was
and is no more in time, beloved
then, now, and always.
And so you have become a sort of tree
standing over a grave.
Now more than ever you can be
generous toward each day
that comes, young, to disappear
forever, and yet remain
unaging in the mind.
Every day you have less reason
not to give yourself away.
~ Wendell Berry ~

5.Is there a tradition you could not be without, a tradition that makes Good Friday, Good Friday? Once I would have said the Stations of the Cross. But this year there have already been too many words in Holy Week....so......maybe it's time for new traditions.

Walking Holy Week

2010-03-30T19:55:00.002-05:00

The week is all out of sync. Yes, Holy Week....but also not going to work as usual due to workshops and doctor's appointments. The temperatures are suddenly in the 70's. While that is wonderful, it's a little disconcerting at the same time. After a winter that seemed interminable while it was happening...suddenly it seems almost as if it never was.

Sunday was, as expected, very churchy. It all went off as planned. The nursing home was a little sparser than I had hoped. It seems that my call to the activities director didn't produce the hoped for resulting coriwd after all. I'd heard that her staff was not bringing folks to the chapel for siervice, so I thought maybe a call to say that for sure I'd be there with Palms and Passion in five voices would get something rolling. Oh well. I think the folks that were there mostly did appreciate what was there. They sang and prayed along....and my readers did a great job, as did my piano player on the new electronic piano, with its bank of buttons that looks like something from the Starship Enterprise that produce seemingly random rhythm section selections that could lead a whole marching band across a parade field if she hit the wrong one. But she maintained control of the thing and played a lovely set of Lenten-ish preludes as well as leading us through the hymns.

So here we are in Holy Week. Starting tomorrow, there will be that slow walk to the cross. We do Tenebrae on Wednesday....it isv a slow, almost ponderous chanting of Psalms while light is extinguished. One cannot come away from this without feeling moved, sobered. Then on to the Eucharist and foot washing of Maundy Thursday and Stations of Friday. Watching and waiting. I always feel in Holy Week like I am living in two worlds. Get up, go to work, life as usual by day, and by night, a move to another dimension where things slow and we focus, we watch, we slip into another level. Back and forth, a foot in each world, trying to navigate daily life while not really in it fully again until after Sunday, yet trying to be present because this is, after all the world in which I am called to live.

Another Week of Lent Slides By....

2010-03-23T13:49:00.008-05:00

Another Monday (and Tuesday!) come and gone. Another week of Lent gone, too. It's winding down (or up) quickly. This week (and next of course) are very churchy ones. I have the Soup and Sermon preaching spot today. Seems I am always in this last spot. What do they call that when you are the batter? Beats me! Anyway, I think this will be my fourth year in the wrap-up position, winding up this little ecumenical tradition in our community. I'm preaching on the Gospel for the day...the grain of wheat that dies, with a bit of a nod to Archbishop Romero. It's his feast in the Lectionary, and I think he deserves some props. Also preaching this week for Palm Sunday and doing the nursing home Sunday afternoon. I'm really rather pleased about that as it will be a chance to give them the whole Palm/Passion deal. We will do the Passion there in several voices as I have recruited some volunteers from my church to come along. And we will do all the good old hymns...Were You There, Old Rugged Cross, and all. I'm hoping we have surplus palms (we always do) to bring along so we have those for the Palms portion of the proceedings as well. I'm going to give the activity director a heads up that we are going all out so she can let her folks know to bring their friends. One of the sweet little ladies there told me one Sunday "Oh we like it when you come, Pastor...it always feels so much like real church." Yep, that would be me, the liturgy geek...real church follows me wherever I go, I guess.

And that will of course be the entree into the week. We do Holy Week at St. J's. Starting on Wednesday with a Tenebrae service and rolling right on through till Sunday. No vigil, we are too small to pull that off, though we have threatened to try. We typically do have a small noon Holy Saturday prayer service, usually attended mainly by the choir who are wrapping up the final rehearsal about that time. This year we are having to forgo that as the choir has vaporized somehow...much to the dismay of Rev. M, maven of liturgy and music. It will be congregational singing for Easter this year...Mrs. C is off to see the lovely grands, RM, the nurse, is pulling a shift at the nursing home. And R and I too will not be at St. J's for Easter. We have made the call that this year we need to gather with the K Clan at his sister's. So my Easter service will be in another Episcopal church, three hours from home with friends I have not yet met. I know the priest slightly from clergy gatherings. It will be strange not to preside at the service...a first since Ordination on a major feast....but...yes, every year is a new one...life moves forward and changes. But I will be around, participating in various ways for the other parts and pieces that do feel like Holy Week at home....the solemn Tenebrae chants, the Maundy Thursday Eucharist with its gradual movement from what starts out feeling more or less like any other service....and ends with that....empty....silent....altar. And Good Friday. We have Stations. And this year we will have our organist back who does things on the organ. Makes it shudder and moan and cry, unearthly sounds really, that make the hair stand up. So that will be the week. Immersion, really. All else kind of slips into second place for those days of Holy Week.

But for today I need to get myself focused to go preach to the Soup and Sermon crowd. Strangers for the most part. My folks are all at work or school or otherwise engaged. A midday activity is not their thing. But for some folks this is an important Lenten tradition. So it's a good thing to step up and provide this nourishment for body and soul in the middle of the workday.

Another Monday as I Wander Thru Lent

2010-03-15T18:20:00.006-05:00

My goodness we would like to see the sun. I know that on Wednesday it will be two weeks. It may be that already, but as of then I will be sure. It is warm (well by our definition anyway) and the snow is fading amazingly quickly, but it's just so unrelentingly (yes, indeed) gray! Despite this, we are courting Spring and had a nice weekend. We will grill every chance we get these days...of late on the little charcoal-er that we bought because it takes the gas grill way too long to heat up in the winter. And I have to admit, there is something about the taste of that charcoal! Last night it was steak, with some wonderful early asparagus. Spring, indeed.

And Lent, in all it's moderate gray Lentedness poddles on as well. Yes, I know, I have euphoric recall about that one wonderful, show-stopping Lent....the one where the Spiritual disciplines and my readiness to be "Lenty" somehow all came together in the perfect holy storm and it just was....right and good, and nothing will ever be its equal. All it needed to be in the way of preparation and readiness...never known before and alas I am coming to believe, never to be again. Yes, I know....all things are their own things and in their own time. You can't go back and recreate something because you are never the exact same being in the exact same frame of mind or spirit again. And my saner rational self also has a guess that it really probably wasn't quite as wonderfully spiritually uplifting as in memory, because things just never are, are they? This one, containing very reality of of life and death and the whole point of all in before us in the life again brings me to a bit of somewhere that I think is probably very authentically Lenten...the problem is I am just not able to articulate as well as I'd like just exactly where it is it does bring me!

I teared up in church on Sunday as I consecrated. I haven't done that in a very long while, nor have I had that sense of the Communion of Saints around, beyond, and amidst me in quite some time as I did on Sunday....that sense that stops time and tends to make me lose my place in the proceedings. Bad enough in the familiar words of Rite II....it could be fatal as I falter my way through the thees and thous and hasts of the Rite I we adopt for Lenten Sundays. But there it was (they were?) none the less, and there was not a blessed thing I could do about it--nor wanted to!

St. Patrick will be celebrated in fine style by us on Wednesday night. We are having a Celtic Eucharist....singing some beautiful music and using a lovely setting of the liturgy to take us back and away and quiet us down a bit. There will be a drum too if mine comes in the air in time. Me in an alb with a drum....yeah, I can't help thinking about some of the good sisters of my childhood. "What has become of that girl?" For some I'm sure it's tantamount to no good end. But you know, I think that my lovely Irish Catholic mother will be having a great giggle over all of it.

So there we are. Monday winds down. It's off to yoga now....a spiritual thing in my day (thinking still about that Friday Five) that was far too full of things that were maybe religious and maybe simply things. But in this there will be quiet, and I will pipe down and find a space for God to settle in me for a time and we will dance a bit as we play with Spirit and breath and asana in the space created there.

Passages and Connections

2010-03-12T19:50:00.001-06:00

It's hard to believe it's been over a week already. Time has just kind of slipped away. Thursday was spent with the family planning services and such. Friday I went back to work, I think, though I sort of don't remember. Last Saturday was a very long day as I recall. R and I kept trying to think of things to do to fill time. We ran some errands, played with the dog...urging time to move, both dreading Sunday and wanting it to come, waiting and not for things to move on. Sunday was his dad's wake...the harder day in some ways of the two days of saying goodbye. So many people came to be part of this. Big families are so different for me. R is the "baby" of nine in his family, and his dad's own birth family was large as well, so there are just a lot of people in this clan of his. And I guess when you live in the same area for a big part of a ninety-six year life, you get to know a few folks as well! Sunday there was a rosary at three and a prayer service at seven. Almost every chair in the funeral home was full for both of them. And there was a steady stream of people in between. The funeral was last Monday. It was sad and lovely as only a big Catholic funeral in a very old church can be. The entire front half of the church on both sides was full of his family. The rest of the pews were pretty full, too, of friends of L’s as well as friends of all of his kids. The priest did well with the sermon. He knew L a bit, and it was obvious that he listened well as the kids talked about their dad as they planned the service. The hymns were some those that L chose…Amazing Grace, The Old Rugged Cross, Here I Am. Hard ones, good ones. We all cried as we sang, of course.

After the service we were well-fed by the ladies of the church while we gathered to talk and remember L and honor his life as we slipped gently back towards our own. Funeral hotdish, more salads made with whipped cream than you could count and lots and lots of cake to sweeten our memories.

So, we are moving back into life as usual. Back to work, back to planning this next big event of ours which now assumes a bittersweet edge. R is writing lots of funeral thank you notes as I am collecting RSVPs from wedding invitations. Again, the circle of life, beginnings and endings. I am so glad I got to know L, even for a little while. We are who we are at least in part because of who we come from, because of those who pass before us and those who are connected to us. For both of us now the generation before is gone on and we stand in the front of the line. But we’ll stand there together, he and I, remembering those we are connected to…and it will be ok.

"Friday Five: Spiritual or Religious?"

2010-03-12T12:12:00.004-06:00

Mompriest says: "Yesterday I attended a led conference by Diana Butler Bass. She is presenting new ideas on the state of the church and why there is hope for Christianity. One of her premises is a Newsweek/Washington Post poll from 2005 that states that 55% of the people in this country describe themselves as religious AND spiritual.Without going into detail about her understandings of religious and spiritual (you may want to attend one of her conferences, if you can) share with us five thoughts ideas or practices that you consider to be "religious." Then share with us five thoughts, ideas, or practices that you consider to be "spiritual." For example one thought about religion might be that it is "salvation" Or an idea about religion might be that it it is an "institution" and a religious practice might be "going to church." An example of spiritual thought might be a phrase from a poem, a spiritual idea might be the inspiration for a piece of art and a spiritual practice might be meditation. So, five thoughts, ideas, or practices that are religious....and then five thoughts, ideas or practices that are spiritual. OR are they the same thing to you?"

Five religious thoughts, ideas, or practices

God
Sin
Ritual
Heaven/Hell
Church

Five spiritual thoughts, ideas or practices

God
Compassion
Relationship
Love
Grace

I just did a very quick "stream of consciousness" thing here. I am not at all sure that ten minutes from now I would have the same exact answers, though I think they would be close. Spiritual is bigger, broader, wider and deeper. Religion, to me, seems to be what we as humans try to do to contain the numinous. Although I do think it's a good sign that God made it to the top of both lists.