6:00 p.m. In fifteen minutes I have a coffee date. Details to follow.....................
Later....the details. OK. It was I'd say about an 8.5 on the first date scale. He is nice, pleasant and polite. We talked work, politics, families and a little bit of below the surface stuff about ethics. We laughed a little. It was....comfortable. I will say this....there are certain advantages to having a job where I meet and talk to people all day long. It kind of makes dating a piece of cake, I just sort of fall into that mode and off we go! I also didn't feel very much like impressing anybody tonight....probably not a bad mindset for a first date either, all in all.
I was home about ten minutes and he called and wanted to know if I was free for lunch tomorrow. Uh-oh.
What is really just all too funny about this....Saturday night I went to a fundraiser with a friend. it was a dinner dance and I had no date to dance with. I left feeling pretty sorry for myself and was grumbling to God about it. I don't usually pray for specifics in my prayer life, but this time I did. I asked directly if I could please just have a date, and soon! God could I think be having a good laugh right now. Be careful what you ask for!
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Paying Attention in November # 3
I watched him with tears and awe as he he spoke. And I said to C, "If this presidency thing doesn't work out, I think he's got a great future as a preacher." This is the first time in so long I have actually wanted to listen to my president, the first time I can remember feeling hope as I listened to a political speech. I don't use this word lightly, but I do feel that there is something prophetic in this man. Called for just such a time as this? Perhaps. It has been known to happen.
Monday, November 03, 2008
Paying Attention in November # 2
My clients truly are my teachers. The first person I saw this morning is one of my best. He never fails to make me laugh at least once when I see him. And he has taught me so much about compassion and forgiveness and moving beyond what afflicts you that sometimes it takes my breath away. V could so easily be a bitter angry man, given all that has happened to him, but instead he was telling me how he has decided that he feels compassion for his father who abused him, and that he realizes that if some of the hard things that have happened to him had not done so, he may not be the man he is. So he has come to peace with the events of his life, and on a good day, even feels gratitude for them. God was all over that hour.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Paying Attention in November
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
Given that the calendar is an arbitrary thing, and life has its own seasons that sometimes do or do not correspond, perhaps the simple change of a month need not determine a change of practice after all. The days called November may or may not bring news that will tell me anything about my future, as least as others have the power to determine it. They may have as much waiting and unknowing in them as did the days called October. It's likely that I will have as much need as ever to ask the question, "where is God in this, anyway?" So it may be a good thing to continue to develop this habit, this practice of just generally being on the alert, to be looking for God, not just in this hard thing, but in all things. Or maybe especially in all things, in other things.
It has been so easy to get consumed by this life predicament of mine. To see it as the only thing that matters, the only thing that is. Even as I write that, I feel more than a little chagrined with myself. While the world is going to h**l in a handbasket about the economy, a friend is suffering with pain over loss far greater than my own could ever be, I am having my own personal little meltdown. But there it is, it's simple truth, it's just hard to get past it sometimes, this incredible preoccupation that envelopes me. But I really want to try. I want to get bigger. I want to try to stretch myself to find God in more ways here. To try to get back to the original intention of this practice a bit and see if I can see how many ways God is doing things in my life and the world around me. I want to see if I can find some joy again. I want to take a leap of faith this month somehow and act as if I do believe what my faith heart says....that God is holding my life, that God's dreams for me are grounded in love, and that whatever comes....it will be some kind of well that I can, with God's help, live into.
Given that the calendar is an arbitrary thing, and life has its own seasons that sometimes do or do not correspond, perhaps the simple change of a month need not determine a change of practice after all. The days called November may or may not bring news that will tell me anything about my future, as least as others have the power to determine it. They may have as much waiting and unknowing in them as did the days called October. It's likely that I will have as much need as ever to ask the question, "where is God in this, anyway?" So it may be a good thing to continue to develop this habit, this practice of just generally being on the alert, to be looking for God, not just in this hard thing, but in all things. Or maybe especially in all things, in other things.
It has been so easy to get consumed by this life predicament of mine. To see it as the only thing that matters, the only thing that is. Even as I write that, I feel more than a little chagrined with myself. While the world is going to h**l in a handbasket about the economy, a friend is suffering with pain over loss far greater than my own could ever be, I am having my own personal little meltdown. But there it is, it's simple truth, it's just hard to get past it sometimes, this incredible preoccupation that envelopes me. But I really want to try. I want to get bigger. I want to try to stretch myself to find God in more ways here. To try to get back to the original intention of this practice a bit and see if I can see how many ways God is doing things in my life and the world around me. I want to see if I can find some joy again. I want to take a leap of faith this month somehow and act as if I do believe what my faith heart says....that God is holding my life, that God's dreams for me are grounded in love, and that whatever comes....it will be some kind of well that I can, with God's help, live into.
Saturday, November 01, 2008
A New Month
So somehow it got to be a new month. C asked me today what I was planning to do for November. I told her I was planning to avoid being hit by any more falling shoes, though I knew she was talking about the blog. Was I going to keep doing a daily post? Looking for God? Daily gratitudes like last year? Truthfully, I don't know. I don't feel a commitment in me at this point to anything, and yet I know that now more than ever spiritual discipline is vital to the health of my soul. I am treading spiritual water here and it would not be very hard some days to simply stop and let myself be sucked into the vortex that wants to claim me. I know I cannot let that happen and it would seem that being accountable by writing something daily in this interactive compassionate witness space would make the most sense as a hedge against that. The question is...what? Something as in anything, or something specific? Perhaps I should just keep on keeping on looking for God....it seems, after all to be working so far to hold me up in the darkness that is now. Any input will be gratefully received.
Friday, October 31, 2008
God Watching Day 31 The Final Edition
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
This was today's offering from Inward/Outward
Scattering New Blessings
by Edwina Gateley
Often we anxiously seek the will of God,
as if God had gleefully hidden dreams for us
deep in unfathomable places.
As if it were God's intention
that our whole lives be spent
in endless searching for signs and directions
buried in obscurity.
The will of God is that which brings us
peace and fullness of life.
The will of God is the seed of our dreams
ever gestating with possibility
and longing to leap forward
scattering new and surprising blessings
in our gray reality.
It was one of those things that I had to read and read again. It especially hit me in light of how scared I am right now and the struggle I am having with trying to believe in "all will be well" as something more than an abstract act of my faithful heart. I have been so amazed by the last several years of my life, how it's all come together. How I finally found all of these things that I love to do in a place that I like being with people I love...so many blessings scattered. God's will manifest? Apparently.
So my reality right now is indeed pretty gray. I cannot see the seeds of dreams nor do I feel that anything is gestating here. But then, as my former mentor priest used to say, "God is God and I am not, thanks be to God".....perhaps that is where God's dreams come in....God's dreams that are bigger than mine could ever be, able to see light in darkness, life in death.
So this is the end of the month of official watching for God. It was a little more intense than planned, a little more challenging. But I am grateful that I was looking for God on purpose as all this hard life stuff transpired. It kept bringing me face to face with that famous question "where is God in all this anyway?" I must have asked myself that a hundred times this month. And I kept finding the answer. In whatever it was, God kept showing up. Not always where I expected, not always where I wanted. But there. Always there. Because that is assuredly is what God is doing. Being there. So when God says, "Do not be anxious" there is a good reason not to. So said the faith heart to the worried brain at the end of the long month of watching God.
This was today's offering from Inward/Outward
Scattering New Blessings
by Edwina Gateley
Often we anxiously seek the will of God,
as if God had gleefully hidden dreams for us
deep in unfathomable places.
As if it were God's intention
that our whole lives be spent
in endless searching for signs and directions
buried in obscurity.
The will of God is that which brings us
peace and fullness of life.
The will of God is the seed of our dreams
ever gestating with possibility
and longing to leap forward
scattering new and surprising blessings
in our gray reality.
It was one of those things that I had to read and read again. It especially hit me in light of how scared I am right now and the struggle I am having with trying to believe in "all will be well" as something more than an abstract act of my faithful heart. I have been so amazed by the last several years of my life, how it's all come together. How I finally found all of these things that I love to do in a place that I like being with people I love...so many blessings scattered. God's will manifest? Apparently.
So my reality right now is indeed pretty gray. I cannot see the seeds of dreams nor do I feel that anything is gestating here. But then, as my former mentor priest used to say, "God is God and I am not, thanks be to God".....perhaps that is where God's dreams come in....God's dreams that are bigger than mine could ever be, able to see light in darkness, life in death.
So this is the end of the month of official watching for God. It was a little more intense than planned, a little more challenging. But I am grateful that I was looking for God on purpose as all this hard life stuff transpired. It kept bringing me face to face with that famous question "where is God in all this anyway?" I must have asked myself that a hundred times this month. And I kept finding the answer. In whatever it was, God kept showing up. Not always where I expected, not always where I wanted. But there. Always there. Because that is assuredly is what God is doing. Being there. So when God says, "Do not be anxious" there is a good reason not to. So said the faith heart to the worried brain at the end of the long month of watching God.
Revgalblogpal Friday Five: Positive Potpourri Edition"
Willsmama says: "Greetings friends! It's been awhile since I've contributed to the posts here at the revgalblogpals website, but I agreed to step into the Fifth Friday of the Month Friday Five slot.So here I be.As I zip around the webring it is quite clear that we are getting BUSY. "Tis the season" when clergy and laypeople alike walk the highwire from Fall programming to Christmas carrying their balancing pole with family/rest on the one side and turkey shelters/advent wreaths on the other.And so I offer this Friday Five with 5 quick hit questions... and a bonus:"
1) Your work day is done and the brain is fried, what do you do? Typical evening schedule: check mail (snail), let dog out, feed dog, spend some time with e-mails and blogs, walk dog with my awesome friend S (and often have deep soul searching conversations in the mix), clean cat boxes, maybe paint or read a little, go to bed. Now who says I don't lead an exciting life!!!!!
2) Your work week is done and the brain is fried (for some Friday, others Sunday afternoon), what do you do? Friday night looks pretty much like the other four. Sunday afternoon might include a walk in the state park, a concert, errands or laundry depending on the week. Sunday afternoon is often blogging catch-up time if the week has been hectic. I can finally see what all y'all have been up to all week! Sometimes Sunday evening I go to dinner with a friend. Then it's time to look ahead to see what the coming week will bring.
3) Like most of us, I often keep myself busy even while programs are on the tv. I stop to watch The Office and 30 Rock on Thursday nights. Do you have 'stop everything' tv programming or books or events or projects that are totally 'for you' moments? I'm not much of a TV person, it's generally background noise while I'm doing something else. My "for me's" are painting (pictures not rooms...a relatively new addition) reading (always), walking Maggie, and writing.
4) When was the last time you laughed, really laughed? What was so funny? That would be about ten minutes ago at the author of this F5. I find her very funny IRL as well.
5) What is a fairly common item that some people are willing to go cheap on, but you are not. The only thing I can think of is paper towels! It makes me really crazy that the cheap ones won't tear when you pull them. Otherwise, I guess I guess I am pretty thrift oriented. It was a bone of contention in the past.
Bonus: It's become trite but is also true that we often benefit the most when we give. Go ahead, toot your own horn. When was the last time you gave until it felt good? Our Diocese collected 32,000 pairs of shoes for Soles4Soles over the last 150 days. We did the ingathering at our Diocesan Convention last weekend. Our little church collected about 140 pair. It was cool to be part of that and to see all those shoes go into the semi to be sent off to help people that have this very basic need. It also helped us focus outside of ourselves at convention....giving does that, too.
1) Your work day is done and the brain is fried, what do you do? Typical evening schedule: check mail (snail), let dog out, feed dog, spend some time with e-mails and blogs, walk dog with my awesome friend S (and often have deep soul searching conversations in the mix), clean cat boxes, maybe paint or read a little, go to bed. Now who says I don't lead an exciting life!!!!!
2) Your work week is done and the brain is fried (for some Friday, others Sunday afternoon), what do you do? Friday night looks pretty much like the other four. Sunday afternoon might include a walk in the state park, a concert, errands or laundry depending on the week. Sunday afternoon is often blogging catch-up time if the week has been hectic. I can finally see what all y'all have been up to all week! Sometimes Sunday evening I go to dinner with a friend. Then it's time to look ahead to see what the coming week will bring.
3) Like most of us, I often keep myself busy even while programs are on the tv. I stop to watch The Office and 30 Rock on Thursday nights. Do you have 'stop everything' tv programming or books or events or projects that are totally 'for you' moments? I'm not much of a TV person, it's generally background noise while I'm doing something else. My "for me's" are painting (pictures not rooms...a relatively new addition) reading (always), walking Maggie, and writing.
4) When was the last time you laughed, really laughed? What was so funny? That would be about ten minutes ago at the author of this F5. I find her very funny IRL as well.
5) What is a fairly common item that some people are willing to go cheap on, but you are not. The only thing I can think of is paper towels! It makes me really crazy that the cheap ones won't tear when you pull them. Otherwise, I guess I guess I am pretty thrift oriented. It was a bone of contention in the past.
Bonus: It's become trite but is also true that we often benefit the most when we give. Go ahead, toot your own horn. When was the last time you gave until it felt good? Our Diocese collected 32,000 pairs of shoes for Soles4Soles over the last 150 days. We did the ingathering at our Diocesan Convention last weekend. Our little church collected about 140 pair. It was cool to be part of that and to see all those shoes go into the semi to be sent off to help people that have this very basic need. It also helped us focus outside of ourselves at convention....giving does that, too.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
God Watching Day 30
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
My friend D read this wonderful poem at the closing prayer service at Diocesan Convention this weekend. Since I don't seem to have much to say tonight, I'd thought I'd share it with you.
Famous
by Naomi Shihab Nye
The river is famous to the fish.
The loud voice is famous to silence,
which knew it would inherit the earth
before anybody said so.
The cat sleeping on the fence is famous to the birds
watching him from the birdhouse.
The tear is famous, briefly, to the cheek.
The idea you carry close to your bosom
is famous to your bosom.
The boot is famous to the earth,
more famous than the dress shoe,
which is famous only to floors.
The bent photograph is famous to the one who carries it
and not at all famous to the one who is pictured.
I want to be famous to shuffling men
who smile while crossing streets,
sticky children in grocery lines,
famous as the one who smiled back.
I want to be famous in the way a pulley is famous,
or a buttonhole, not because it did anything spectacular,
but because it never forgot what it could do.
My friend D read this wonderful poem at the closing prayer service at Diocesan Convention this weekend. Since I don't seem to have much to say tonight, I'd thought I'd share it with you.
Famous
by Naomi Shihab Nye
The river is famous to the fish.
The loud voice is famous to silence,
which knew it would inherit the earth
before anybody said so.
The cat sleeping on the fence is famous to the birds
watching him from the birdhouse.
The tear is famous, briefly, to the cheek.
The idea you carry close to your bosom
is famous to your bosom.
The boot is famous to the earth,
more famous than the dress shoe,
which is famous only to floors.
The bent photograph is famous to the one who carries it
and not at all famous to the one who is pictured.
I want to be famous to shuffling men
who smile while crossing streets,
sticky children in grocery lines,
famous as the one who smiled back.
I want to be famous in the way a pulley is famous,
or a buttonhole, not because it did anything spectacular,
but because it never forgot what it could do.
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
God Watching Day 29...Day's End
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one prayer at a time....another day is passed. God is holding my life...my life is in God's care....I know with my faith heart that this means that all will be well. It's just my brain I am having having trouble with. The pictures it paints are dark and have nothing to do with any kind of "well" but look far more like the end of life as I know it, the loss of much that that gives meaning to my life. All will be well....yes I believe but what will well look like, and when will this well come?
I'm so glad not every day is like this one. I am grateful that it is over and praying for a better tomorrow.
One breath at a time, one moment at a time, one prayer at a time....another day is passed. God is holding my life...my life is in God's care....I know with my faith heart that this means that all will be well. It's just my brain I am having having trouble with. The pictures it paints are dark and have nothing to do with any kind of "well" but look far more like the end of life as I know it, the loss of much that that gives meaning to my life. All will be well....yes I believe but what will well look like, and when will this well come?
I'm so glad not every day is like this one. I am grateful that it is over and praying for a better tomorrow.
God Watching Day 29...early post
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
I seem to be having a very hard day today. It's only just past noon and I have been in tears twice and have been close to one of those panic things and we won't even talk about my stomach and it's opinion on the whole affair. I have no idea what's up. Yes I had to do some "stuff" that connected me back with the thing, make a phone call to get some information, leave a message for another person...but these are the folks who are supposedly my advocates, so it's not like there was any real scary stuff going on. I suppose it was just the stir factor. And yesterday I spent about forty minutes in the presence of someone who is directly related to this business. Staring across a table in a meeting in fact. It was hard. Very. So I am having worry thoughts and anxiousness, struggling hard not to go to the worst case lose it all scenarios that my brain wants to create. I'm trying to hold on to a phrase that I heard in a lovely song that I listened to in a CD that a friend gave me, "God is holding your life." I'm trying to just let that hold me, to remember that my wing is always there to run to, and that I am beloved and called by God and prayed for by the greatest group of friends anyone could hope for.
I seem to be having a very hard day today. It's only just past noon and I have been in tears twice and have been close to one of those panic things and we won't even talk about my stomach and it's opinion on the whole affair. I have no idea what's up. Yes I had to do some "stuff" that connected me back with the thing, make a phone call to get some information, leave a message for another person...but these are the folks who are supposedly my advocates, so it's not like there was any real scary stuff going on. I suppose it was just the stir factor. And yesterday I spent about forty minutes in the presence of someone who is directly related to this business. Staring across a table in a meeting in fact. It was hard. Very. So I am having worry thoughts and anxiousness, struggling hard not to go to the worst case lose it all scenarios that my brain wants to create. I'm trying to hold on to a phrase that I heard in a lovely song that I listened to in a CD that a friend gave me, "God is holding your life." I'm trying to just let that hold me, to remember that my wing is always there to run to, and that I am beloved and called by God and prayed for by the greatest group of friends anyone could hope for.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
God Watching Day 28
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
Tonight was a momentous night with the Soul Sisters Bible Study. We finished our study of Creation Continues by Fritz Kunkel. This is a deep and thorough psychological study of Matthew's Gospel that we have been dissecting chapter by chapter since July of 2007! Talk about persevering. Next week we are taking a voting break and then we are going at Bonhoeffer's Cost of Discipleship. To celebrate our accomplishments tonight SSC brought a cake in Fritz's honor. Many is the time we have laughed together imagining him sighing in long-suffering patience wondering if we were ever going to get done qvetching about some of the ideas in his book! "Women!" we would imagine him saying to anyone who was nearby. Paul perhaps. Or even Jesus. Tonight we envisioned him sending off a quick heads up memo to Dietrich warning him of what was to come.
We also had a grand time blessing some things tonight. Of late we have all taken up knitting while we talk. C has been finishing a scarf for her son's girlfriend, S has been making a sweater for her baby grandson and tonight A was working on a sweet Christmas stocking for her grandbaby's first Christmas. So we decided to pray over all of them as we sent them on their way. It was so wonderful wrapping all of those loving gifts in God's love as well. We also of course blessed and prayed for each other and ourselves.
I was grateful for the respite of this time. This day, as all these days, had its difficult moments, its reminders that all is not so well. But God does keep showing up and getting my attention in all sorts of wonderful ways. I am so grateful for the gift of these women in my life.
Tonight was a momentous night with the Soul Sisters Bible Study. We finished our study of Creation Continues by Fritz Kunkel. This is a deep and thorough psychological study of Matthew's Gospel that we have been dissecting chapter by chapter since July of 2007! Talk about persevering. Next week we are taking a voting break and then we are going at Bonhoeffer's Cost of Discipleship. To celebrate our accomplishments tonight SSC brought a cake in Fritz's honor. Many is the time we have laughed together imagining him sighing in long-suffering patience wondering if we were ever going to get done qvetching about some of the ideas in his book! "Women!" we would imagine him saying to anyone who was nearby. Paul perhaps. Or even Jesus. Tonight we envisioned him sending off a quick heads up memo to Dietrich warning him of what was to come.
We also had a grand time blessing some things tonight. Of late we have all taken up knitting while we talk. C has been finishing a scarf for her son's girlfriend, S has been making a sweater for her baby grandson and tonight A was working on a sweet Christmas stocking for her grandbaby's first Christmas. So we decided to pray over all of them as we sent them on their way. It was so wonderful wrapping all of those loving gifts in God's love as well. We also of course blessed and prayed for each other and ourselves.
I was grateful for the respite of this time. This day, as all these days, had its difficult moments, its reminders that all is not so well. But God does keep showing up and getting my attention in all sorts of wonderful ways. I am so grateful for the gift of these women in my life.
Monday, October 27, 2008
God Watching Day 27
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
Just some random things running through my head tonight.....
I so wish that I could draw! I would do the illustration of Josephine's comment from yesterday's post....me with the shoes burying me. Actually I wish, for the sake of some clarification I could illustrate myself buried in the true situation. But it, for a whole host of reasons, is not bloggable right now. What I can say is that I took some actions with good intent in what I saw as the best interest of another person. These were interpreted by some folks in another fashion entirely and the result was some very significant untoward consequences in my life, which I have been referring to as "the other shoe falling" or in this case, an entire closet full of said shoes.
So we are almost at the end of the month of watching closely for what God is doing. It has not been exactly what I was expecting. I have to laugh at myself even as I type this...we are after all talking about God here, are we not? It's not quite as tame as looking for things to be grateful for, I guess. And this thing in my life has kind of thrown another wrench in my neatly laid plans of watching for God in my lovely little life and made me look instead for God in my pain and my fear and my doubt. Clearly not the places I would choose to look, but clearly the places God is.
As I was falling asleep last night I was thinking about the outrageous audacity of experiencing the God of the universe as my "wing" and the absolute wonder of being so sure of the love of that selfsame God that I do this without batting an eye.
One of things that this whole series of events has done is helped me get in touch a little more with what it is like to be powerless. It has caused me to think more about justice and who it is who has voice in this world and who does not. It has increased my empathy for those who are caught between rocks and hard places. Perhaps those are not bad things to get in touch with...though given a choice, no doubt, I would rather have done it some other way.
Just some random things running through my head tonight.....
I so wish that I could draw! I would do the illustration of Josephine's comment from yesterday's post....me with the shoes burying me. Actually I wish, for the sake of some clarification I could illustrate myself buried in the true situation. But it, for a whole host of reasons, is not bloggable right now. What I can say is that I took some actions with good intent in what I saw as the best interest of another person. These were interpreted by some folks in another fashion entirely and the result was some very significant untoward consequences in my life, which I have been referring to as "the other shoe falling" or in this case, an entire closet full of said shoes.
So we are almost at the end of the month of watching closely for what God is doing. It has not been exactly what I was expecting. I have to laugh at myself even as I type this...we are after all talking about God here, are we not? It's not quite as tame as looking for things to be grateful for, I guess. And this thing in my life has kind of thrown another wrench in my neatly laid plans of watching for God in my lovely little life and made me look instead for God in my pain and my fear and my doubt. Clearly not the places I would choose to look, but clearly the places God is.
As I was falling asleep last night I was thinking about the outrageous audacity of experiencing the God of the universe as my "wing" and the absolute wonder of being so sure of the love of that selfsame God that I do this without batting an eye.
One of things that this whole series of events has done is helped me get in touch a little more with what it is like to be powerless. It has caused me to think more about justice and who it is who has voice in this world and who does not. It has increased my empathy for those who are caught between rocks and hard places. Perhaps those are not bad things to get in touch with...though given a choice, no doubt, I would rather have done it some other way.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
God Watching Day 26
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
This is post # 401. Hard to believe I have that much to say in a little over a year and a half. But then it's been kind of an eventful year and a half I guess. Starting a blog, ending a relationship, going on my first cruise, having a whole closet full of shoes fall on me, plus just all the regular every day stuff in the life of a small town girl trying to find her way into authenticity and a more consistent faith walk.
There was alas, no Sabbath in this Sunday. My fellow traveler and I got up way too early this morning and began our trek back across the state from convention. This was partly due to the fact that we had checked out the forecast last night, and indeed we had an "interesting" drive, as we say around here. A little rain, a little snow, and a LOT of wind. I was very glad I wasn't driving anything lighter or taller, and that we weren't going much further. It was tiring just keeping the car between the lines!
Once safely home, it was off to fetch Maggie from her sitter, then in to the office to do class prep. Yes, I am at it again! But only for one day. A friend asked me way back in the Fall to guest lecture on moral development and ethics for her human development class. It seemed so far away at the time, I said yes without a second thought. But all of a sudden, I was facing class on Tuesday, and I wasn't ready. So the rest of the day, I was back in teacher mode, and I am feeling pretty much ready to face the students complete with lecture, handouts and group exercise.
I'm trying really consciously to "back-burner" the falling shoe business as much as I can. To stay in the moment as much as possible. I was reminded in so many ways this weekend that my life here is not random, that I am called to a vocational life of, as our preacher said yesterday, trying to show the world Jesus. If by doing something that was intended to be a part of that, an avalanche was created, well.....maybe a little faith is justified. I kind of feel like I am puzzling on all of this, trying on the one had to figure out God's part in it in a sort of very interested kind of way, while at the same time trying to deal with the emotional impact and the potential "real world" impact by staying away and being disengaged from that as much as possible. It feels....very stretchy. More in some moments than I can manage. But then again in others, ok.
There are things related to this I must tend to, so I cannot ignore it all together. But on the other hand, once those things are done, it is out of my control until whatever happens next happens. I think it really is going to be one day at a time for awhile. Or sometimes less. And decisionally....I am operating in faith here....for this day anyway.
This is post # 401. Hard to believe I have that much to say in a little over a year and a half. But then it's been kind of an eventful year and a half I guess. Starting a blog, ending a relationship, going on my first cruise, having a whole closet full of shoes fall on me, plus just all the regular every day stuff in the life of a small town girl trying to find her way into authenticity and a more consistent faith walk.
There was alas, no Sabbath in this Sunday. My fellow traveler and I got up way too early this morning and began our trek back across the state from convention. This was partly due to the fact that we had checked out the forecast last night, and indeed we had an "interesting" drive, as we say around here. A little rain, a little snow, and a LOT of wind. I was very glad I wasn't driving anything lighter or taller, and that we weren't going much further. It was tiring just keeping the car between the lines!
Once safely home, it was off to fetch Maggie from her sitter, then in to the office to do class prep. Yes, I am at it again! But only for one day. A friend asked me way back in the Fall to guest lecture on moral development and ethics for her human development class. It seemed so far away at the time, I said yes without a second thought. But all of a sudden, I was facing class on Tuesday, and I wasn't ready. So the rest of the day, I was back in teacher mode, and I am feeling pretty much ready to face the students complete with lecture, handouts and group exercise.
I'm trying really consciously to "back-burner" the falling shoe business as much as I can. To stay in the moment as much as possible. I was reminded in so many ways this weekend that my life here is not random, that I am called to a vocational life of, as our preacher said yesterday, trying to show the world Jesus. If by doing something that was intended to be a part of that, an avalanche was created, well.....maybe a little faith is justified. I kind of feel like I am puzzling on all of this, trying on the one had to figure out God's part in it in a sort of very interested kind of way, while at the same time trying to deal with the emotional impact and the potential "real world" impact by staying away and being disengaged from that as much as possible. It feels....very stretchy. More in some moments than I can manage. But then again in others, ok.
There are things related to this I must tend to, so I cannot ignore it all together. But on the other hand, once those things are done, it is out of my control until whatever happens next happens. I think it really is going to be one day at a time for awhile. Or sometimes less. And decisionally....I am operating in faith here....for this day anyway.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
God Watching Day 25
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
Our convention is over for another year. Once again I was surprised that we are better than I ever think we are going to be. You'd think I'd get it by now that this is after all God's work, and that in some way that I do not understand we are able to get out of our own way when we come together for this time and the stuff that we were going to fight about...somehow we figure it out. Maybe it's because it's so much harder to fight when you are wrapped in prayer or when you have broken bread together. But the stuff that seems very contentious ahead of time seems to lose a lot of it's ire and get resolved.
Maybe it's because I'm away from home, or have been distracted by convention and churchy stuff, but I have been feeling a little better. I had a moment today sitting in the convention when I felt, just for a little while, "found" again. Like I remembered myself. Who I was, what I was all about and why I was doing what I was doing, what the whole point of everything was and that it was all really for something, the stuff that kicked off this whole falling shoe business. It was brief but it was good and God was in it. And for now, that is enough.
Our convention is over for another year. Once again I was surprised that we are better than I ever think we are going to be. You'd think I'd get it by now that this is after all God's work, and that in some way that I do not understand we are able to get out of our own way when we come together for this time and the stuff that we were going to fight about...somehow we figure it out. Maybe it's because it's so much harder to fight when you are wrapped in prayer or when you have broken bread together. But the stuff that seems very contentious ahead of time seems to lose a lot of it's ire and get resolved.
Maybe it's because I'm away from home, or have been distracted by convention and churchy stuff, but I have been feeling a little better. I had a moment today sitting in the convention when I felt, just for a little while, "found" again. Like I remembered myself. Who I was, what I was all about and why I was doing what I was doing, what the whole point of everything was and that it was all really for something, the stuff that kicked off this whole falling shoe business. It was brief but it was good and God was in it. And for now, that is enough.
Friday, October 24, 2008
God Watching Day 24
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
Once again prayer and liturgy heals me, soothes me, feeds me. We had our opening Eucharist for our Diocesan Convention tonight. I found myself holding on to the the words of the preacher like they were my lifeline. He said the work of Jesus is awkward and dangerous but that it has this reward of making God visible, showing people God. Awkward and dangerous...shoes will fall if you do the gospel perhaps? But maybe there will be a wing to hide under when it happens. For a time there was light and there was comfort, and if I had not been in a whole civic center ballroom full of Episcopalians I think I would have just started sobbing out loud.
I bought a book tonight that talks about the work of a priest. One of things it says is that part of my job is to be a "friendly irritant," challenging the structures of the way things are. Uh-oh. That sort of thing gets you pelted with shoes. I am living proof. But maybe there is something bigger here after all. Light again? Just a shard. And that wing.
It's been a very hard week. All that has happened has set off reverberations deep in my soul. Land mines really, that have taken all my energy to contain. I had no idea it would be this way. There is a lot of sorting out still to come on many fronts. But there is a bigger picture here and God is in it.
Once again prayer and liturgy heals me, soothes me, feeds me. We had our opening Eucharist for our Diocesan Convention tonight. I found myself holding on to the the words of the preacher like they were my lifeline. He said the work of Jesus is awkward and dangerous but that it has this reward of making God visible, showing people God. Awkward and dangerous...shoes will fall if you do the gospel perhaps? But maybe there will be a wing to hide under when it happens. For a time there was light and there was comfort, and if I had not been in a whole civic center ballroom full of Episcopalians I think I would have just started sobbing out loud.
I bought a book tonight that talks about the work of a priest. One of things it says is that part of my job is to be a "friendly irritant," challenging the structures of the way things are. Uh-oh. That sort of thing gets you pelted with shoes. I am living proof. But maybe there is something bigger here after all. Light again? Just a shard. And that wing.
It's been a very hard week. All that has happened has set off reverberations deep in my soul. Land mines really, that have taken all my energy to contain. I had no idea it would be this way. There is a lot of sorting out still to come on many fronts. But there is a bigger picture here and God is in it.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
God Watching Day 23
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
So I can't just lay here under the shoes, or in the s**t , or whatever. There are cats and a dog to be fed, clients to be seen, life does go on. And so I got up and did life again today, just like I did yesterday. I went to work, and tonight I went to my art class. I went for tea with a friend and made a phone call. I packed for the trip across the state tomorrow to our Diocesan Convention For little chunks of time there was sweet peace and forgetting. For a few blessed moments I even had my wing, safe, warm and secure.
I want so badly to believe that this is all going to be okay. That all things truly do work together for good and that this vision of good will be one I can recognize as such. I want to trust as much as I say I do but the fear keeps overtaking me and I hate it. It's really good to know you are all praying. Really, really good.
So I can't just lay here under the shoes, or in the s**t , or whatever. There are cats and a dog to be fed, clients to be seen, life does go on. And so I got up and did life again today, just like I did yesterday. I went to work, and tonight I went to my art class. I went for tea with a friend and made a phone call. I packed for the trip across the state tomorrow to our Diocesan Convention For little chunks of time there was sweet peace and forgetting. For a few blessed moments I even had my wing, safe, warm and secure.
I want so badly to believe that this is all going to be okay. That all things truly do work together for good and that this vision of good will be one I can recognize as such. I want to trust as much as I say I do but the fear keeps overtaking me and I hate it. It's really good to know you are all praying. Really, really good.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
God Watching Day 22
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
Awake at 3:30 this morning with thoughts chasing themselves through my brain. Things I said, things I should have said, things I wonder if I should have said. It just would not stop with any of my usual tricks, so finally after a restless hour and a half I gave up and got up to face the day. Work was a welcome diversion, as was talking with some of my support system in person and by e-mail. I worked on a piece of writing related to the falling shoes and that too helped me feel better for a little while. This is the problem, though. It's all transient. It's like a loss. Every time you start feeling normal, you remember what happened and the bottom falls out all over again and it's another crash. I hope it's like loss in that this gets better over time. As I recall you get a little used to it or something....those spans of feeling normal get a little longer, you are able to "back burner" the thing a little better and pretend that life is just life, like it was before all those shoes fell on it and you got lost in the pile of them and forgot who you were and what you were doing there in the first place.
It's pretty hard to pay attention to God from under a pile of shoes. I'm just sayin'....it's kind of hard to see the light from here right now.
Awake at 3:30 this morning with thoughts chasing themselves through my brain. Things I said, things I should have said, things I wonder if I should have said. It just would not stop with any of my usual tricks, so finally after a restless hour and a half I gave up and got up to face the day. Work was a welcome diversion, as was talking with some of my support system in person and by e-mail. I worked on a piece of writing related to the falling shoes and that too helped me feel better for a little while. This is the problem, though. It's all transient. It's like a loss. Every time you start feeling normal, you remember what happened and the bottom falls out all over again and it's another crash. I hope it's like loss in that this gets better over time. As I recall you get a little used to it or something....those spans of feeling normal get a little longer, you are able to "back burner" the thing a little better and pretend that life is just life, like it was before all those shoes fell on it and you got lost in the pile of them and forgot who you were and what you were doing there in the first place.
It's pretty hard to pay attention to God from under a pile of shoes. I'm just sayin'....it's kind of hard to see the light from here right now.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Day 21....as it goes on
So.... for some things in life, no matter how much you think you are prepared, you just are not. And so this thing. There were, it appears, more shoes. Another shelf, another whole closetful perhaps, that I just was not ready for. And they fell. And pretty much buried me in their wake. The words that come to mind for how I am feeling right now are stunned, overwhelmed, exhausted, scared, disheartened, oh, and somewhere at the bottom of it all....angry. It is going to take a while before life rights itself, and the hard part is there is no way right now to even know how long. It's one of those "there is a process that simply must take its course here" kind of things. And while it does I must simply wait.
One of the things I have feared most is that if things went south with this thing my faith would not bear the strain. There is a dangerous creak in the winch tonight. So much old stuff has been stirred. Critical voices, old triggered feelings, ancient pain that I thought was long laid to rest, things I never dreamed would be tripped by this....it's quite a brew. I have been cared for gently and lovingly by C and my Soul Sisters, I've been texted and e-mailed and felt the prayers of all. I truly don't know what I would do without all of this, without all of you. But even so...it is hard to go to "all will be well" in this particular moment in time, hard to have the trust I crave that came so easily such a short time ago. It's just...hard. That's all.
One of the things I have feared most is that if things went south with this thing my faith would not bear the strain. There is a dangerous creak in the winch tonight. So much old stuff has been stirred. Critical voices, old triggered feelings, ancient pain that I thought was long laid to rest, things I never dreamed would be tripped by this....it's quite a brew. I have been cared for gently and lovingly by C and my Soul Sisters, I've been texted and e-mailed and felt the prayers of all. I truly don't know what I would do without all of this, without all of you. But even so...it is hard to go to "all will be well" in this particular moment in time, hard to have the trust I crave that came so easily such a short time ago. It's just...hard. That's all.
God Watching Day 21
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message
Well today's the day. The one I both have and have not been waiting for. I think I am pretty calm. But then as I was getting ready for work this morning I noticed I was pretty pale. And my right eye was twitching again. And since the body doesn't lie...perhaps I am not as calm as I think. But I did sleep last night, and have been this last week. Better really than in the few weeks since this "thing" has had a date attached to it. It has been mentioned and I myself, have felt a little like Damocles. But as I mentioned to someone yesterday...I have something poor Damocles did not....I have that that wing to tuck beneath. And I have something else...I have the most wonderful support anyone could ever ask when going through Hard Times, both here and in my face-to-face life. The Pray as You Go meditation this morning asked if there was someone who was our cornerstone, and I thought, "oh, heavens, I have a whole foundation!" and then when the meditation continued the speaker used that very thought....talking about building a foundation of community and growing into a holy temple together. It's this kind of thing that gives me peace and hope today amidst the little knot of something that does sit in my stomach. These lovely little things I keep falling into that give me just the reminders I need when I need them of how much love and care is there for me. Of just how much attention is being paid to this little chick.
It will pass. Life will go on. After it's over I will process it in safety with a trusted friend. Then I'll go to Bible study with my fabulous Soul Sisters who will love me no matter what. Then I'll bake cookies for a potluck tomorrow. All will be well.
Well today's the day. The one I both have and have not been waiting for. I think I am pretty calm. But then as I was getting ready for work this morning I noticed I was pretty pale. And my right eye was twitching again. And since the body doesn't lie...perhaps I am not as calm as I think. But I did sleep last night, and have been this last week. Better really than in the few weeks since this "thing" has had a date attached to it. It has been mentioned and I myself, have felt a little like Damocles. But as I mentioned to someone yesterday...I have something poor Damocles did not....I have that that wing to tuck beneath. And I have something else...I have the most wonderful support anyone could ever ask when going through Hard Times, both here and in my face-to-face life. The Pray as You Go meditation this morning asked if there was someone who was our cornerstone, and I thought, "oh, heavens, I have a whole foundation!" and then when the meditation continued the speaker used that very thought....talking about building a foundation of community and growing into a holy temple together. It's this kind of thing that gives me peace and hope today amidst the little knot of something that does sit in my stomach. These lovely little things I keep falling into that give me just the reminders I need when I need them of how much love and care is there for me. Of just how much attention is being paid to this little chick.
It will pass. Life will go on. After it's over I will process it in safety with a trusted friend. Then I'll go to Bible study with my fabulous Soul Sisters who will love me no matter what. Then I'll bake cookies for a potluck tomorrow. All will be well.
Monday, October 20, 2008
God Watching Day 20
"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a
The Message
In the sermon I heard yesterday in talking about the Gospel, P said "Everything is created in God's image and belongs to God." You know, I am sure I have heard that phrase, about being created in God’s image, thousands of times in my life but for some reason it went into my brain in just a little different way this time and it has stayed with me every since Sunday morning. Maybe it was all the beauty of place and people and the work they are undertaking that is so clearly driven by the Spirit. Or the amazing “coincidences” of all that is going on in my life right now. Or the quiet peace and beauty of the late afternoon in C’s grove. But what I heard THIS time that has my head and my heart and will not let me go is this. Everything looks like God.
There is a rock in C’s grove. A huge piece of granite. It’s big enough for me to curl up on and rest. And when I do so, I feel, I know something in a way that is completely not connected to my head! A sense of agelessness, of the short span of our little time here on this planet compared to all the time that has been and will be…to God’s time. I feel at once small and large, vulnerable and infinitely safe. I feel a sense of connection to life that links me to this rock, to the earth that cradles it, to the trees that surround it and the land that goes on from there, and all the creatures that find homes in all those places, from the most microscopic to those whose presence I sense but do not see, those who come forth to be petted, and even those like me. Everything looks like God.
It’s no secret that I am completely enchanted with the light out here on the prairie. This time of year especially I am kind of a nut about it. I carry my camera in the car and have been known to almost drive off the road trying to take a picture of just that perfect moment as it catches in a field. It’s truly one of the things that helped me make the transition from my city life when I moved here. Finding beauty in my new home helped me survive the loneliness and the isolation of that first year. I have never lost the love for that light, or the desire to try to describe it. In words, with my camera and now with paint. It has a kind of grandeur and splendor here that I have never experienced before. The sky is so big, the color so embracing and warm. It has its own presence and I find myself sometimes feeling almost gathered in by it. My practical friend S reminds me that part of what I love is caused by dust….the dust generated by the harvest. But this only adds to it all in a way. The light is not only beauty, but a beauty that is part of what feeds us. Everything looks like God.
P said something else in his sermon that won’t let me go. That not only are we all in that image of God... looking like God….. but that we all belong to God. That gives everything a huge sense connectedness. The rock and the grove and the creatures therein, the fields of the harvest and those that are fed by it…We all look like God. We all belong to God.
The Message
In the sermon I heard yesterday in talking about the Gospel, P said "Everything is created in God's image and belongs to God." You know, I am sure I have heard that phrase, about being created in God’s image, thousands of times in my life but for some reason it went into my brain in just a little different way this time and it has stayed with me every since Sunday morning. Maybe it was all the beauty of place and people and the work they are undertaking that is so clearly driven by the Spirit. Or the amazing “coincidences” of all that is going on in my life right now. Or the quiet peace and beauty of the late afternoon in C’s grove. But what I heard THIS time that has my head and my heart and will not let me go is this. Everything looks like God.
There is a rock in C’s grove. A huge piece of granite. It’s big enough for me to curl up on and rest. And when I do so, I feel, I know something in a way that is completely not connected to my head! A sense of agelessness, of the short span of our little time here on this planet compared to all the time that has been and will be…to God’s time. I feel at once small and large, vulnerable and infinitely safe. I feel a sense of connection to life that links me to this rock, to the earth that cradles it, to the trees that surround it and the land that goes on from there, and all the creatures that find homes in all those places, from the most microscopic to those whose presence I sense but do not see, those who come forth to be petted, and even those like me. Everything looks like God.
It’s no secret that I am completely enchanted with the light out here on the prairie. This time of year especially I am kind of a nut about it. I carry my camera in the car and have been known to almost drive off the road trying to take a picture of just that perfect moment as it catches in a field. It’s truly one of the things that helped me make the transition from my city life when I moved here. Finding beauty in my new home helped me survive the loneliness and the isolation of that first year. I have never lost the love for that light, or the desire to try to describe it. In words, with my camera and now with paint. It has a kind of grandeur and splendor here that I have never experienced before. The sky is so big, the color so embracing and warm. It has its own presence and I find myself sometimes feeling almost gathered in by it. My practical friend S reminds me that part of what I love is caused by dust….the dust generated by the harvest. But this only adds to it all in a way. The light is not only beauty, but a beauty that is part of what feeds us. Everything looks like God.
P said something else in his sermon that won’t let me go. That not only are we all in that image of God... looking like God….. but that we all belong to God. That gives everything a huge sense connectedness. The rock and the grove and the creatures therein, the fields of the harvest and those that are fed by it…We all look like God. We all belong to God.
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