Who Am I?

Ever since I was ordained, I have happily claimed my status as the Reverend Dr. Kate, a happily bivocational person, who, at least in a previous life balanced the two hats of priest and psychologist in some sort of equilibrium.  I had a church life and a day job life and the two intersected at times. Mostly that was good thing, at times it was challenging, but it was all part of a whole that made a life I realize in retrospect that I simply took for granted, and assumed would just always be part of my reality.

Well, life moves forward and times change, and the transitions and shifts of the last two years have shown me that my assumptions and "taken for gran teds" just ain't necessarily so.  When we first moved back I had "just assumed" that of course it would all work out.  Kind of like true love....there would be a church with a Kate-sized need and we would find each other and live happily ever after. And for a while it looked like that might be happening.  There was a short assisting gig that never quite got off the ground. And then there was another plan that sounded promising enough for a relocation to a town down the road. We "met and dated" for a while, but somehow I guess the spark was just not there. The little frission of interest fizzled, we stopped seeing one another. I moved on.

So today, my "professional" church life and my day job life are, for the most part, non-intersecting. Rev. Kate and Dr. Kate do not travel in the same circles at all. Sometimes that leaves me feeling a little dis-integrated, a little sad. Clergywise, I am doing some supply and some writing. I am seeing a spiritual director and trying to discern if there is something else I might/could/should do now in that realm. We are part of a lovely congregation where we are feeling more and more at home.  The rector is welcoming and inclusive and I know if I came up with something I thought I might want to do there, she would very likely be open and encouraging.

I am also trying to consciously vision my day job as ministry. To see this as my little altar in the world where the congregation comes and sits before me in the chairs in my office and I am given the chance to bring into their lives the compassion of God's healing love.

Remembering Who You Are

This is a blog post from Ash Wednesday 2008. As we come around once more to Lent, I am remembering again the power of that night....

I had the privilege of being the one to "impose" the ashes as the prayer book says. I had to go look the word impose up to see if there was something I was missing here, but all the definitions had the same sense of the word that I am familiar with, that of bringing something on someone with force or at the very least authority, pushing it at them. I did not feel that! I felt instead that I was giving them a splendid gift. The opportunity to remember by word and symbol the fragile and brief nature of this earthly life. How precious it and we are before God. And how God holds us in that life...and that we can indeed trust God to do that.

As I spoke each person's name and said those sacred, sacred words, "remember that you are dust and to dust you will return," I kept thinking about something that was said in our prayer workshop on Sunday, that essentially the "dust" that we are is the stuff of the universe, the same matter as supernovas and stars, glaciers and canyons, the very ground we stand on and air we breathe...the stuff, could it be....of God? "

Remember that you are of God, and to God you will return." It was all I could do to hold back the tears as I looked into each face in this wonderful quirky bunch and traced on their heads a cross of ash to carry with them into the night as a reminder of how very much they are loved.

A Little more Advent

 My reflection on Luke 3:1-6 cross posted from Feminist Theology in an Age of Fear and Hope
Even more than usual, the themes of Advent are striking a particular resonance with me this year. This time of waiting, of the in-between and the “not-yet” has become very familiar. The wilderness too, that wild and unfamiliar place that takes us to our edges and, if we let it, to places of transformation and new beginnings, has started to map its landscape onto my heart.

John’s familiar message strikes a ringing chord as well. While it’s true, as always, that I cannot hear the passage from Isaiah without hearing Handel’s beautiful melody … “Prepare ye the way of the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God, every valley shall be exalted, and every mountain and hill made low, the crooked straight, and the rough places plain,” this year I am hearing the words themselves anew, with sharp and clear images about just how much difference we are talking about in this altered landscape, as well as the amount of effort, movement and, yes, probably pain, would be involved in such change.

I’ve been watching the building of a new bridge in my town. It started a few years before we moved here and it won’t be all done until December of 2014. It has involved the moving of tons of earth, the removal of buildings, the rerouting of lanes of traffic, and actual changes in where roads come and go. Places that were once flat are now sloped and places that were steeper have been graded down. Men spend days just grinding on pieces of cement to make them smooth and precise so that things will fit together in just the way they need to for safety and endurance on the new structure. When the new bridge is all done, the old one, which has been a staple of the town landscape for almost a century, will be demolished, and a new pathway with four wide, smooth lanes of traffic will take us back and forth across the river. The bridge builders are very proud of the fact that there have been no fatalities during the very daunting task of constructing this bridge, but certainly there have been people injured, and there have been accidents as drivers have not adapted to the changes caused by the construction. Traffic has been slow and congested at times and it’s been difficult, irritating, and a general source of frustration for many people for several years as we wait for a new bridge to come.

Personally, too, in the last few years, there have been a lot of changes in the landscape of my life. Since 2010, there has been a wedding, with its combining of households, two more complete moves of house and town, the ends and beginnings between my husband and I of six jobs, and a return to school for him, the aborted attempt to sell a house, and recently the re-start of that effort, the beginning and premature end of a CPE program, a small stint in a parish begun in hope that did not work out, and one that seemed to have much promise that never even got off the ground. Of late, there have been some of those “close calls” with medical tests. You know the ones, where you get the call-back, “something is there, and we want another look.” So you go, and they look, and you wait, and you worry, you hope and you pray. And, even though, thanks be to God, all has been well in the end, during the waiting, at least if you are me, you go to that wilderness of worst-case scenario, every single time. It seems like it’s been the Advent of my life for quite a while now, and I’m finding myself trying to make some sense of it, and to answer the “God questions” in the midst of it.

Change and transformation do not usually happen without effort and, most often, not without some level of pain and discomfort. Being in the wilderness, by chance or by choice, often pushes our limits and taxes our endurance. Sometimes we take it on by choice because we want to grow or change and we know somehow that we need to be in an environment that will enable this. Sometimes the wilderness seems to find us, and the choice becomes what we will do while we are there. Because there is always a choice for us. Unlike the mute dirt and rock of the valleys and mountains, we get to choose whether we will listen to the message of the journey, whether we will allow ourselves to be changed by it. We decide whether we will let the wilderness do its work upon us to straighten out the kinks in our thinking, open our hearts to encompass a wider scope of emotion, smooth the rough places in our souls. We can turn and choose to see how God is present in this time, this moment, or we can hide under a rock, lost in the fear. We can open ourselves up to a new vision of things, a changed landscape, a different path, or we can cling stubbornly to “how it was, is, or should be.” We can stretch ourselves a bit to allow space for whatever new thing God might be doing in our corner of the world, or we can curl in and remain small. We can participate and co-create in the process of things being made new, or we can refuse, the choice is ours.

We are invited into the ongoing process of preparing for the coming always and again into our own wilderness of the One who is ever here/ever new. Sometimes, as my husband reminded me recently, I have to be “encouraged” to do things for my own benefit. I need to be reminded sometimes that just a little effort on that landscape will likely pay off, and might even bring joy! Prepare the way of the Lord, he is coming!

Second Friday Random Friday Five

revkjarla says: "it's the Second Friday five of the month...and you know what that means--yet another edition of a Random Friday Five! So, without further ado, let's get our random on!"

1. If a spaceship landed in your back yard, and three very cute little aliens knocked on your door and asked you to show them around Earth,where would you take them? (Remember, you have superpowers from last month's Second Friday Five, so if you need to use them for transportation, feel free to do so.) 

I think I'd want to give them some different perspectives, so I'd take them to a vast desert, then maybe to the seashore and then I'd bring them home for dinner, right here in good old small town middle America, where we could see trees and the river along with some lovely old houses.

2. What is making you grumpy these days? I miss having a regular church gig, and I'm feeling very sad that right now I cannot see a way that this will change any time soon.  I try to remain hopeful and to believe that God still has a dream for the "rev" part of revdrkate, but yes, grumpy, among other things, would cover it.

3. O.K., so now that you got the grumps out, what is one thing today that will be sheerly joyful for you? R and I both have the day off together! We have been productive, cleaning the garage and taking a load to the Goodwill, and now we are free to play!

4. I am pitifully, once again, trying to grow a garden. Last year I only harvested one cucumber. This year, I have zucchini, cucumbers and tiny tomato plants. Everything is abloom, but the jury is out whether there will be any yield. So, do YOU have a garden? What are you growing? If you don't, what is your favorite fresh summertime vegetable/fruit/flower? We have a three-pot garden for our veggies, the lettuce, sadly fried before we could eat it, but we are trying another crop.  We have eaten one of our three tomatoes and are waiting for the others along with the two peppers to ripen.  We also have six pots of herbs and some flowers.  Not bad for a townhouse, I'd say.

5. If the aforementioned aliens suddenly demanded all the contents of your closet, OR ELSE (as in clothing, shoes, etc.) but kindly said you could keep three items, what would they be? My alb (hope does spring eternal, after all), my wedding dress, even though I won't likely wear it again, still, it has lots of sentimental value, and my favorite pair of capri length yoga pants that I pretty much live in.

Have fun, and as always, let us know if you played by telling us in the comments, and linking us to your page!

Off Again

As one might suspect from the absence of posts since before mid-month, the lovely consistency with which this month began has, as is sometimes the way of things, gone astray.  The courtship of my life-to-love has followed, a casualty of a nasty bronchial infection that left me limp and crouping for the better part of three weeks with what seemed like just enough energy to get through the minimum daily requirements of life.  Given a choice between time on the mat and an extra fifteen minutes of sleep, sleep won every time. Even "just lying there" as my teacher suggested had no appeal, as getting horizontal seemed to be an invitation to the little croupers in my chest to go full throttle. One day, then a week, then two, passed, and here we are, near the end of this month that began so well, back at square one. I'm discouraged by this, but not completely demoralized.  I still have hope that I can do this, and I am plotting a new strategy.

This is the last week of my job, and it is full and busy and tiring.  I think it would be folly to even think I could plan to be successful to try this again right now.  The crud is waning, but not entirely gone, so I am still grabbing all the sleep I can get and trying not to be too hard on myself about that.  But next week....now that is a different story.  I am on a little stay-cay between the old job and the new.  There is nothing scheduled, nothing more pressing than cleaning a garage.  My days are my own.  There is no excuse, no reason not to take the time I need to get a good routine established.  I have eleven days in which to solidify this, and hopefully too, to begin to remember why it is that I want to do this so badly in the first place. To remember who I am when this is part of me, and that I like this person.

I am also planning on attending my first yoga class in my new home town.  I spoke with the teacher and in one of those lovely little serendipitous things life offers now and again, it turns out that she has studied with the woman who taught my original teacher from ten plus years ago, the woman whose intensives I attended for four years in Mexico.  I have always loved the philosophy my teacher embodied, and really resonated with this form of yoga that emphasizes the spiritual as well as the physical aspects of the practice.  I have not found this emphasized in the other classes I have taken nearly as much, so I am really excited to see how this person teaches, and hope that this too is a connection to all that was so good and positive in that for me in the past.

Other parts of the plan to assemble a life to love are sputtering a little as well. Things on the congregational front are not moving at a pace that I would like. That is not to say that at some point all will not be well, but at this point things are not quite as I had hoped.   Being patient and dealing with uncertainty are not my strong suits, but it is what it is right now, and I'm trying to accept and wait with some level of grace....not always with complete success.

For the next few weeks though, I am focusing on leaving this job, being done in good stead, then taking my week to rest, recoup and get my plan in gear.  June 11 I start the new job, and there will be much learning there with new people and new systems.  We are hoping to have a little fun this summer, too.  Maybe a little travel, a few roadtrips and bike rides.  We need some downtime together as well!

So that is the plan and the intention as we finish May and move toward June.

Friday Five: Extreme Random

revkjarla says: "Happy Friday to all of you. Today's Friday Five has no theme, other than randomness. That's o.k., right? So, just to get to know each other a little bit (even more) here is the meme":
1. What is the first thing that comes to your mind (right now) that you want to share about yourself.  Well, since I have to keep stopping whatever it is I'm doing to cough, blow and otherwise do those wonderful cold-related things, I will share that a) I have a crummy cold and b) I want very much to not have it!

2. What is your favorite piece of jewelry or accessory? Why? This is the chain I wear every day.  It is sort of a talisman.  Each thing on it has special meaning or reminds me of something...the cross in the center is the oldest piece and was a gift to myself when I started formation for priesthood. The little circle charm came next.  It was a Christmas gift from a friend, and has a shooting star on it and says, "Discover, Dream. Explore." The bird is from a shop in Mexico from BE 4 and is to remind me that "even the birds...." The medal is Joan of Arc, purchased this year in NOLA after BE 5. Joan is my patron saint (the given name I never use) and is for courage.  The blue stone charm came from BE 5 as well, and reminds me of the ocean.

3. If you could have a starring role in a T.V. show/movie/series, which one would it be, and what wouldyour character be like? It would be one of those "cozy" mysteries where the main character has a day job...Therapist? Priest? Both? In addition she just keeps happening upon fascinating situations requiring her and,of course, her trusty partner, (my smart, handsome husband, natch!) to bring their wonderful intuitive and other gifts to solve them.

4. What is one thing you will eat this weekend? Oatmeal with raisins.  It's the Sunday morning tradition at our house for R to get up and make this for breakfast.  We will also have other great stuff, too.  He cooks!

5. How do you waste time? (If you do, that is...) The computer! It even tells the world....randomly..."Kate is playing this that or the other thing."  I find myself thinking about the things I could/should be doing, exercising, cleaning, writing something great and meaningful.  Then I pop some more bubbles.

A Quiet Saturday

It's quiet here today, at the end of our first full week in the new house.  I'm pretty amazed by how settled we are.  Oh, there are things to be done of course.  There is nothing on the walls yet, and a few boxes are still to be dealt with.  But it's not the important stuff.  That has all been pretty much unpacked and put away for most of the week.  There really is something to be said for a slow steady move over several weeks.  It gave us time to bring things in and put them away, so that the last day really was just the remaining essentials (and the things we needed the strong young relatives' help with the heavy lifting).

I have been off to clergy conference and back.  It seems that our CC tends to fall around big events in my life,  moving, weddings, things like that.  I am happy to say that even with the going and coming I have sustained my morning yoga practice for six days now!  I am giving myself "permission" to take Sundays off.  If I get there it's a bonus, but we tend to spend the morning together having a nice breakfast, getting ready for church, and I think that too, is an important part of this "life I love" rebuild.

Our original plan for today was to take in some of the Cinco de Mayo festivities in the Big City upriver.  But the combination of less than ideal weather and R being down with a nasty Spring cold has derailed that.  Right now I am listening to the comforting sounds of both my husband and dog napping peacefully. The revised plan includes a little errand running and our own Mexican dinner right here at home.  I have no church responsibilities on my calendar for a good long while now.  There is some pulpit supply off in the future, and plans are in the making for more involvement at my church here, though the when and how are still to be determined.  I need to be in wait and trust mode.  Not my best thing...but it too is part of the practice I guess.

So being slow today, taking it easy, no expectations....gee, that sounds like a weekend!