Second Sunday in Lent

It looks like maybe we are covering ground toward change.  We visited the church and looked at a townhouse today in the little town down the road.  Both got a thumbs-up from both of us.  Details on many fronts need to be worked out before this possible future becomes ours....but I always think it is a good sign when I can imagine myself there in that future, in that place....and I can in both of these.  I can see myself at some point in the not-too-distant future coming home to both that living room and that sanctuary, finding rest in both places, settling in for what I hope will be a good long time.

Day Three of the Later Lenten Attempt

It's kind of a lazy Saturday.  I'm not preaching tomorrow, so I am feeling footloose on that front.  We are going to church tomorrow in a little town about twenty miles down the road and then looking at a townhouse there.  If this all sounds like it might be part of yet another transition, yes, it could.  There are changes afoot in our lives and they do involve movement of all kinds....including the pack up your stuff and take it to a new place variety.  R and I were talking about this morning, and I mentioned that this time next month we would be giving our notice here, and that any time now we could start packing.  "Didn't we just do this?" I asked.  Well it's been almost a year, but in the larger scheme of things, it does seem like it came around again rather quickly.  Considering that I was in my last place seven years and the one before that almost twenty-five, this annual pack and go thing is a little disconcerting.  I was not always so stable of house, though.  In my earlier days I once had a period of time in which I moved thirteen times in eleven months! As I recall, I could make the entire move in a couple of large cars back then, which made it much easier.

One of my clients was talking about falling shoes the other day. That took me back. I had a few, hopefully useful, things to say to her about that. Like, try to stay in the moment, let your friends support you, and do whatever you can, whenever you can to take the focus off those stupid shoes! Trust, I said, that when they do fall, if they fall, you will have what you need to get through it in that moment.  Until then, really, there is nothing you can do about them.  And trying to provoke them into falling sooner....not a good plan, no matter how seductive it may seem in the moment.  It's a very Lenten thing though, being with those shoes, having them hanging, or suspended, however and where ever they are.  You know that at some point, they will be upon you and you will  need to deal.  It calls to mind the slow journey to the crucifixion that we remember during Lent. We know it's coming, has to come. I'm never really sure just how much Jesus knew exactly, but I'm guessing he was fairly sure he was coming to no good end.  And yet, he managed to keep moving through his life, his ministry, intensely present, real, and focused.  Did that come from that moment of when he knew himself claimed, loved by God?  Or did it evolve...through the desert and beyond, through all those days of healing and teaching, feeding and praying, a sense of coming to know not just how it was coming to be with him, the handwriting on the wall, but also the sure and certain knowledge that the suffering, whatever it might be would be for something, something bigger than anything had ever been? Just thinking, just wondering.....

RevGalBlogPals Friday Five: Essentials Edition

kathrynzj says: "I'm heading from unseasonably warm temperatures and no snow to a place of GREAT SNOW. Sadly, for reasons that don't need to be boringly laid out here, I am sans decent winter boots at the moment so I need to find some... NOW! In the meantime I am shaking my head at myself. How could I possibly be without one of the key essentials for living in my environment? Every area is different."
What are the 5 key essentials needed for where you live?
Out here in God's country where I live, it is the land of extremes.  So it really depends on what season we are talking about in terms of essentials.  In the winter, we all know not to leave home without the " car kit" which is a coffee can containing a candle, matches (preferably waterproof), candy bars, something bright like a red bandanna, flares if you are really savvy, and of course a pile of blankets, extra boots (yes kathryn, we all have more than one pair), and a fully charged cell phone.  This is perhaps a wee bit tongue in cheek, though people's lives have been saved by living on chocolate bars and melted snow till help could arrive. 

The big essential for me is warm clothes, in layers....lots of them!

Then of course in the "other season," (that would be road construction) you'll want a good book to read or listen to while you sit in traffic, something in the cooler to drink and possibly some bug spray to deal with mosquitos the size of hummingbirds that will dive bomb you after you open the windows for ventilation.

Yes, we really do love living here!

And bonus - what have folks looked twice at you for because you wore it out of place.
Nobody really looked at me funny.  I mean, it  was Wal-mart and I was not even wearing pjs...but the day it snowed, I went there in  a wind jacket and a baseball cap,  just because it's getting on towards Spring and I am really ready. I felt very daring!

Patience and Trust, Lent's First Post...a Little Late

So it has been my intention to post daily in Lent. Ok, well you know what they say about good intentions. And to that I say, who are they anyway, and what do they know about my life! I do own that I am getting a late start to the daily posts. In my own defense I will say that the early days of Lent were consumed by wresting with Mark's Gospel for last Sunday and the sermon I was determined to finish.  That took until midway through Saturday, and by that point I had much nothing left to say to anyone other than the dog.

I do need to get back to writing, though.  If for no other reason, it is a good way to disperse some of my stress. Much better than going around losing and misplacing things, which is what I have been doing lately.  Last week ir was a pair of sunglasses, my favorite blue winter scarf and page three of that above- mentioned sermon.  That last one...that was discovered IN the pulpit as I completed the preaching of page two! Talk about things that are guaranteed to raise your heart rate.  I was deeply grateful that it had been one of "those" sermons. You know, the ones that you spend hours and hours and hours....looking for the right thoughts, the right words.  It was only because I had been there so long, at the river, in the wilderness and back that I had a even a small prayer of knowing in that heart-stopping moment what I might say next, how I might wrap this baby up and bring it home.  I told R after the service what happened.  He said even he, as well as he knows me, had no clue I was just making it up as I went along. This gives me hope that maybe, someday...I really won't be a word for word manuscript preacher.  But for the immediate future...I will be checking my pages much closer before I leave the house!  By the way, I also found the scarf at the coffee shop and the sunglasses under the seat in the car.  All in all good end to a stressful week.

We did an exercise in one of the groups at my day job recently.  Our task was to identify some quality that we needed to "absorb" and then imagine ourselves taking that in into ourselves in whatever way made sense to us.  What came to mind immediately for me were two words, patience and trust, as I seem to have a rather significant shortage of both right now.  I think this is symptomatic of too much change, too much transition.  March marks the beginning of about fifteen months of active change in our lives, on top of the thinking, planning and prepping that went on for at least nine months or so before that...since right about the time we got married in fact.  Which was of course preceded by a year or so of planning, prepping and thinking about that, which was preceded by another two or three years of lots of change. Really, when I think about it, it was sometime in mid-2007 that I last lived under the delusion that my world was a settled little orderly universe in which I maintained some modicum of control.  It might have been even earlier, maybe it was before I was ordained.  At some level, the when of it doesn't matter.  Suffice it to say, it has been a long and interesting ride. Parts of it have been really fun, and parts of it not so much.  I have certainly learned a lot.  And right now, I am really, really tired.

And It is not quite done, this change and transition, we still have some big stuff ahead.  Another house move, another vocational shift or two on the part of both of my hats as well as a whole lot of uncertainty on the job front for R.  By Fall the dust will all have settled and I am hopeful that I will be able to look around and say with some satisfaction, "now this is what we wished for, hoped for, worked for."  And also....we are DONE! So when we had that little group exercise today, I flung myself out there into that future with trust.  I imagined us there, happy, settled and content.  I trust it will happen.  It will  take patience to put all the pieces together.  Some have begun to be assembled, I need to trust that they will hold and others will be added on to make this big bright picture that we hope for and long for.

Nealy New Year Friday Five

Sally says: "A simple Friday Five for a busy part of the year; indulge me by sharing two fives:  As you look back over 2011 share 5 blessings, they can be as grand or as simple as you like,if you year has been like mine they are probably a mixture! As you look towards 2012 share 5 hopes- again, anything goes! Pictures and songs welcome."

Blessings of 2011

• As always, my sweet husband heads the list of my blessings.  In this stressful year of change and transition, I have appreciated more than ever his wisdom and good sense as well as the certainty of knowing, no matter what, he has my back.
• The ordination of Amy Peden Haynie to the priesthood.  At long last the fullness of her gifts and ministry can be realized.  Thanks be to God!
• Once again having a home base for my own ministry.  It feels really good and right to be assisting priest with this lovely and welcoming congregation and to know that I will celebrate the Eucharist and preach again regularly.
• Feeling pretty secure financially is a HUGE blessing in these difficult times.  With our move, we both changed jobs this year and feel fortunate about being able to do that in a tough market.
• This one is under the category of mixed blessings....I was able to start and experience both the great joys and the huge stressors of CPE.  Due to a variety of circumstances, I made the difficult decision not to complete the unit at this time.  But those few months had an impact that I will not soon forget. 

Hopes for 2012
I am hoping

•  to grow and expand my ministry with my new congregation, to come to know and love the people there and be a contributing member of the clergy team.
• that some (or all, if I think big) of the plans that are afoot for both R and I career wise will be successful and satisfying for us.
• to  be more consistent with my self-care so that I can meet my health and fitness goals (and get back into my smaller pants!)
• that we can sell our house in Little Town on the Prairie.  We are grateful to have renters, but it would be such a relief to have it sold.
• to continue to maintain strong connections (both virtually and IRL) with friends near and far

Friday Five: To Do Lists

Jan says: "Ever since I was little, I heard that Santa is making a list and checking it twice. I can see why he has to keep checking it, because there is so much to do before Christmas! Only nine days left, and I don't have church services to plan, but there is much left to be done. My daughter-in-law tells me that she feels behind, which is how I have been feeling. No matter how organized you are, there must be some things you still need to do. For this Friday Five, tell us five things on your Christmas "To Do" List. Include anything you have decided to skip doing this year. As a bonus, give us something that helps you remember why this season even exists"

There has been a lot in this Advent that has involved waiting and "unsettledness" in my life. I don't feel particularly rushed or harried, nor do I feel overly "Christmasy" just yet. But this is what is on my to do list right now:

• Mail the packages.  Yes we are a bit late on this, but they will go first class and should arrive on time.
• Go "shopping" on the Episcopal Relief and Development website.  Such a lovely dilemma...shall I send bees or a goat to my friends this year?  Or perhaps malaria preventing mosquito bed nets, those are always in style!
• Figure out the menu for Christmas Eve and Day.  It will be "just us" this year...so rally not such a big chore.
• Send cards.  I WILL get them in the mail before Christmas this year...really I will,
• Decide which service(s) to attend.  We have two church homes right now and between them we have six choices over Christmas Eve and Day.  A plethora of riches!

We are "not doing" a lot this year.  Much of this is because of our move.  The old places, people and traditions are there and we are not.  R has suggested that we begin to develop some new holiday traditions,  so this Sunday we are going to a Christmas play on a showboat, then off to Lessons and Carols at one of our churches as the beginning of that process!  Lessons and Carols was "the thing" for me for so many years that really got my Christmas juices flowing.  My last year at St. J's it was co-opted by several things, so I'm hoping that going and hearing that lovely music and the traditional readings at the "church of my heart" help me in the remembering what it's all about process.

Home Around the Corner

It's good to be back on the blog.  Thanks for the kind comments, I do appreciate my RevGal friends! As I re-read yesterday's post  I think I sound a lot wistful, and maybe more than a little whingey as my Brit friends say.  It's all  really all right...and yes, it is about making room for the new by letting go of the old.  That's kind of been the theme this year.  We moved in June from my seven room, two porch, two and a half garage house out in Little Town on the Prairie to the Big City, where we rented a lovely, but small, four-room townhouse with one garage.  Period. 

 Ah yes, the move.  It was a necessary relocation in many ways.  I needed to leave a work situation that had become a source of daily frustration, as I disagreed on a fundamental level with the direction our clinic was moving.  In order to continue to be employed in my field, by a signed agreement, I needed to move farther than the five counties that surrounded us and that the clinic served. Out there in the hinters, that pretty much meant to move away. At first we thought about a cross-country move, but that did not prove feasible, so we decided across the state would do. R was up for the adventure.  Twenty years in the same job had left him ready for something new, and for me it was a kind of coming home.  So I job-searched,  the house got sorted out, packed up, pared down and put on the market.  I was faced during the packing phase with the reality of just how much stuff I had somehow acquired in my almost seven years in that house.  We knew we were downsizing, and so much had to go. At first felt the loss of each pickup load that we carted off to the thrift store.  After a while, I found I cared a little less that something was leaving my life, as it was one less thing to pack, to move, to simply deal with!

Along with parting with my stuff, I also had to face the loss of my church home and my role there as part of the ministry team.  Because of the nature of my licensure to a local church rather than the diocese, there was some uncertainty about just what the future would hold for me as a priest. But we knew that it was time to go, and so I sadly preached my last sermon and said goodbye to my little congregation.

Finally the day came that we hauled ourselves and what was left of our belongings (LOTS!) to our new home.  Wonder of wonders, it really did all fit! Well except for that last pickup load that went to the new thrift store we found!  I had found a new job as a therapist and an old church community where I could settle in as a congregant, and where the priest was welcoming to me as a homeless cleric.  She offered supply as available and whatever else I might find a good fit.  The downside.....it was at least a twenty mile trip to get there.  Not a bad commute in our new urban life, but a daunting thought as far as really getting involved in the life of a community where we worshipped but did not reside.  Our new life has an interesting schedule that complicates things as well. R is off to bed at 8 or so as he rises at 3 am to be at work by 4.  This means that I needed to be self-reliant if I wanted to engage in the evening activities that constitute so much of church life....and I knew that navigating those twenty plus miles of freeway in the dark  was going to be a challenge for my little astigmatic night-vision reluctant eyes.  I thought that things would be ok, though, given the CPE involvement....my "priest-self" would find a home there and I would be settled. Well, once again, those best laid plans didn't prove to be so.  A couple months into CPE it became sadly apparent that this was not the place I needed to be, and after prayer and tears, I withdrew from the unit and went back to being, as one of my friends said recently, a "feral priest."

Fast forward to three Sundays ago.  We decided (on a whim...ha) to visit the next closest Episcopal church to our house.  Before we went I decided to peruse the church website, where I learned that several months ago the leadership had expressed a hope for another priest who could spell the vicar and assistant (both "retired" priests who seemed to find themselves working full-time again) and who would not need to be paid, as the budget would not support what the community so obviously needed. We went that Sunday. We met some folks, I talked to the priest,  had some e-mail conversation with the Bishop, and assuming the consent of the parish and leadership, it looks like on the 4th Sunday of Advent, I will once again have a place to celebrate and preach.  We are looking at once a month to start....but it feels like potential and possibility for more.  The church of my heart, where we have been attending still has a hold on me, and we will go there as we can. But as R pointed out, as far as we are from there, it's less likely that we would ever be a deep part of the community. At our potential home, we will church where we live...or close to it, and we can be part of the rather impressive local (and larger) mission efforts that come from the small but committed group of folks in the congregation.

So finally, at almost six months into the adventure, things are starting to settle.  Not all things, not even some important things about which I cannot blog right now....but at least for me one of the most important things is finding resolution....how I live out my call and vocation. It appears it will be with my two hats firmly in place again, thank God!  Once again I will have cause to do more than lurk at the preacher party,  and skulk over to Tuesday Lectionary Leanings.  I will have real reasons to hang out in Textweek, immersing myself in the weekly texts as only preaching prompts me. I will find a home on a new altar, share bread and wine with new people who I will come to care for as my own. Once again, there will be too many things in the week at times, meetings that will push my patience and church politics that will make me need to hold my goat close! I can't wait.