A Moment and a Lifetime Ago

Two years ago today in the presence of my Bishop, my congregation and a whole host of assorted friends of every denominational stripe I was ordained a priest. I promised with God’s help to obey my bishop and “conform to the doctrine, discipline, and worship of The Episcopal Church....to proclaim by word and deed the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and to fashion my life in accordance with its precepts…to love and serve the people…caring alike for young and old, strong and weak, rich and poor...to preach, to declare God’s forgiveness to penitent sinners, to pronounce God’s blessing, to share in the administration of Holy Baptism and in the celebration of the mysteries of Christ’s Body and Blood... to nourish Christ’s people from the riches of his grace, and strengthen them to glorify God in this life and in the life to come.”

When asked if I believed I was called to this I answered fervently that I was. And I did and I do. But on that day, which sometimes seems only a moment ago and sometimes a lifetime….I had no idea. I think sometimes I still don’t really. But I’m getting it….I’m getting it.

There’s been a lot of on the job training. I sometimes wonder if this is because I was locally trained and did not attend seminary. But then I talk to my seminary-trained friends and they tell me that there are a lot of things that seminary does not necessarily prepare you for either. Much of that has been the interpersonal stuff. There is no way to learn this academically. You have to be there. You have to trip on it, fall on it and find you don’t die of it. Messing up and making up and going on in the same church with the same people day in and day out. Reaching out. Forgiving. Turning that other cheek. Over and over and over. Just like it says in the Gospel. Golly. Who knew? I have been learning some things about reconciliation and forgiveness and peacemaking. I have been learning about not judging and about letting go. I have been learning that praying for people who hurt you (and those who simply annoy the crap out of you) does really work.

I have learned that I can be really, really scared and do it anyway (and not a soul knows but me). That I can be completely clueless about how to do something and look like I have done it at least once before. I have come to rely on the Book of Common Prayer as a priceless resource. It really is all there in the fine print if you just know where to look!

This came as no newsflash but has been reinforced over and over….I love doing liturgy! I would celebrate the Eucharist or officiate at any kind of liturgical service any time any place any day! I have used this analogy before, but to me it feels like being the hostess at the best party in the world. When I was first ordained I was a bit of a perfectionist freak about things. It was the anxiety, I know. I am no less a perfectionist now, but I hope I’m less of a freak! I see my job as the presider as making the worship experience seamless for the congregation. There should be no hiccups in the proceedings to distract them (at least not coming from me). I should be able to kind of become part of the landscape of the worship event, like the music and the liturgical atmospherics. I’m finding the more I do it the easier it gets to also relax and enjoy it. I still have to pinch myself most of the time though to believe it’s really me there doing this amazing thing. I still cry a little bit more Sundays than not a some point in the proceedings just from sheer joy.

The “getting off the altar” part was quicker and easier than some of us had feared. I was clearly seduced into the priesthood by liturgy. That is no secret. I’ve been a closet mystic since I was twelve. I’m Celtic, I’m a writer, I come by it honestly! There were some among us who feared that I would become one of “those” priests who lock themselves in a holy ivory prayer tower and forget about the needs of the world. God’s dream for me was bigger than that and I am grateful that I had the sense to pay attention. The altar is the place to bring the concerns of the world, the place to come and offer them and be strengthened to go out again. If we have not been in the world, what is there to bring?

I’m liking preaching more all the time, too. Of course don’t ask me about that some Saturday night when I’ve been struggling with some recalcitrant sermon for hours and hours….but as a whole, contrary to what some folks say, I think it has gotten easier. Or maybe I should say, I’ve gotten easier. Easier with my expectations of myself. But in some ways, I’ve got riskier with myself as well. The personal life events of the last year have been good for my preaching. I have let go of so much and accepted so much, and that has made me more authentic and courageous, and has given me so much more certainty about being loved by God and other people….and well, that preaches!

So as I celebrate this two year anniversary, I find as always I am amazed and grateful that I ended up here, living this impossible dream. It’s clear to me that it’s really true that with God anything is possible. I wonder what the coming years will hold.

Another Trip to Liminal

I'm back home tonight from clergy conference. I feel like a bundle of contradictions. I'm a bit more rested, yet completely tired, a bit transformed, yet still unchanged. But one thing that is for sure, I am more convinced than ever about this power of prayer thing! Once again I felt prayed for, and experienced in a visceral way a sense of being held in that net of care. It was humbling and amazing. I've been to a whole three clergy conferences so it's not exactly like I am a huge veteran, but this was not like anything I have experienced before. It was totally retreat-like. The theme was renewal with a focus on our ordination vows and how we live them in this time of change in the world and the church. Now that could be lots of heady talk, or it could be something else entirely. It was the something else. What made it so was several things. The person who presented at two sessions was very powerful and present. He is a priest who directs the House of Prayer in our diocese and he talked to us about the need to transcend the egoic self by witnessing what is going on in ourselves, not judging it, then moving beyond it....simply because we can be more because of the God who dwells within "closer than we are to ourselves." So simple yet so profound. To reinforce all of this was prayer and liturgy. We began with Eucharist and renewal of ordination vows our first night together, then we prayed at the beginning and end of each session corporately in well-planned and beautiful yet simple liturgies that fit the theme of what we were about. There was not one that did not find me in tears....good tears, of healing, of release, of awe, of joy. We also did three sessions of time with the Gospel called Gospel Based Discipleship (GBD). Gathering in small groups, the Gospel is read three times and three questions are asked, one after each reading: 1) What word, idea or or sentence stands out for you? 2)What is the Gospel/Jesus saying to you? 3) What is the Gospel/Jesus calling you to do? Some of the clergy are familiar with GBD, as it has been around our diocese for at least fifteen years. for others it is brand new. It was a joy to sit with my peers and simply "let the Gospel be turned loose among us" as one of the priests who is passionate about GBD says. The other piece of the conference that made it very special was the level of personal sharing. It has become a tradition for us to do "This I Believe" presentations throughout clergy conference. The presentations this year were so moving and personal and beautiful. Again, each one left me in tears and so moved. The presenters took risks, went deep, and they too touched some important place in me that needed healing and soothing. In addition the two people I was on the MDG leadership team did their personal narratives as part of the MDG presentation, and they too were deep and honest and gutsy as they shared what drew them to the work of justice and fighting poverty.

The outcome of all of this for me is a new sense of safety and connection. There were moments of such sweetness and belonging and... "rightness" is the only word that comes to mind. I was able to have some personal conversations with some friends I trust, to say the unsayable things and have them received with respect and gentleness. Each time this happens I move one more step away from the shame that threatens to smother me and toward remembering again that I am God's own beloved, called because and not in spite of and nothing that has happened or will can change that.

Our speaker issued some spiritual challenges that are going to take some time to digest. We will be getting a transcript of his talk and I am looking forward to that, as it was far too much to hold on to in simply one hearing. I feel like I know where my focus needs to be, even if I am not quite ready to be there yet. I know I need to put away the anger and the judging, to simply let it go, of Dear One, of myself, of the dynamics between us. Not because it makes me bad, but because, as Ward says, not to do that makes us smaller than we are. He's right, I know it, when he said that, it resonated in my soul. I feel like I am attached to a bungee cord...I want to pull away and do this better thing, and yet there is this strong pull back to wallow in the anger and the resentment, the attachment to the suffering....like "Oh, I am sure I am not quite done with that!" Silly as I write it, and yet, and yet....I want to fly and I want to wallow....all at the same time. And at the same moment I want to be harsh with myself I feel God's tenderness mothering me, tendering me urging me to be gentle with myself even in my "not-readiness." Whew!

So it was a good, amazing and all-too-brief dip into transformation. And now it's back to work in the morning. I have managed to collect Maggie from the sitter and unpack the suitcase, read the 90 e-mails and have a really GOOD laugh over an e-mail gone awry sans edits. I'm afraid there will be no blogs read tonight as much as I crave catching up with every one's week. And I know there is a meme out there to play, but my eyelids are not cooperating. Maggie will get my attention one more time, and then I think the day will end. It's good to be back in my own space, to have the peace and quiet of my own place. It was another trip to liminal space and I think re-entry may take a few days.

The Weekend Ends

It doesn't seem possible but we're heading into the downhill stretch for another weekend. This one went fast. That quick trip to "the Summit" and back took a big bite of it, especially when you throw in the six hours windshield time, three of which were done in the nasty blusteries of Friday on the way up. The meeting itself was a good gathering. The event is an annual meeting of those of us who serve in what we call "Total Ministry." It's also called Mutual or Team ministry in some other places. We are all small churches who cannot afford to call full time clergy, so there is either a part-time "traditional" (seminary-trained) person augmented by a team made up of locally trained ordained and commissioned folks or just the local team, as there is at our place. Our team has six members, three priests and three people who are commissioned to serve specific roles on the team. While our training was all done locally, our ordinations are just like any other priest's. The only difference is that we are licensed only to serve our local church and can't go search a call to a new place. So at this meeting all the teams from all the TM churches get a chance to get together and brag on ourselves a bit as well as talk about what we are up against, what we'd like some help with from the Diocese, and just be with the folks who do what we do. Kind of a combination family reunion, once a year support group and pep rally! Our diocese has been at this now for almost twenty years, so we have teams that are in the "third generation" as well as teams that are just being born. It's very cool for the new folks to hear from the vets and very inspiring for those who are slogging along to see the enthusiasm of those who are about to be ordained and commissioned.

We talked a lot this year about using technology to communicate and how you don't have to see people face to face to be in community with them. This seems to be a hard concept for some people. Obviously they are not bloggers! We are starting a posting group in the hopes that people will begin connecting that way. I talked about RevGals, especially since so many of us serve churches that are physically very isolated.

The weather did get a little better, but not until right before we left, so once again, there was no grounds viewing. There was shopping though! The gift shop was opened for us, and I found a stunning prayer shawl. It was sitting right inside the entrance and almost begged me to take it home. The sisters did well by our group overall, I'd say. We are shoppers! The drive home was much nicer, and was livened up by a detour to see a potential vacation home that one of my passengers was interested in. Pictures in the paper and the reality bore no resemblance so we drove by and kept going.

Once home, I ran over and picked up Maggie, then her sitter and I went to a high school choir concert. Five high school choirs were represented and all of them were phenomenal. I thought it was interesting that almost all of them chose sacred music selections, several in Latin.

Today of course was church, the choir was back in almost full membership (5 of us!), and we sang a lovely communion anthem. After service we had a quick run through of the piece we will sing for baccalaureate. The son of two of the choir members is the honoree....so we are betting on tears. Then it was downstairs for the MDG meeting to plan how to spend the money we raised during Lent. What fun! We did that in short order, deciding that it made sense in project two to continue to support our community center from project one. We had complete consensus.

This left the rest of my day free to clean the laundry room, including taking the dryer apart and cleaning it(successful) and trying to change a hose on the washer (Not so much...now it's leaking!).

Tomorrow I am off to clergy conference until Wednesday. There is no Internet access at the retreat center, so after noon tomorrow, I will be on enforced blogging silence, unless by some chance someone has a wireless they are into sharing. But again, there won't be a lot of free time. It's another one of those short and busy events....about thirty-six hours with a whole lot packed into it. The theme is renewal, and there will be a renewal of our ordination vows with the Bishop. The last clergy conference one was very heady....I'm hoping for more spiritual focus given the theme. I could use a little jump start on my spiritual batteries, they are running a little low.

Till Wednesday.....

Nine Months Today

I was ordained nine months ago today. If it had been a conception, we’d be having a delivery. Makes me appreciate even more the miracle of life that can create a fully developed new human in that amount of time. For certainly in this time we have not achieved a fully developed new priest! Far from it! But there was a new being conceived on that beautiful September day. One who in many ways had no clue about the many wonders God had in store (and I’m sure still does not). I have said that I was seduced by God into ministry by the liturgical priesthood, and with a rather limited view even of that. It was an idea of priest that had, I must admit, a lot to do with singular mystical moments between God and myself. A narrow, if romantic view of things, heavily influenced by my partially pre-Vatican, exceedingly Roman Catholic upbringing. But God wooed me well, and I have no doubt I am where I belong. And now I can continue to grow into it, understanding that this is but one small aspect to be serving God in this way, to be living out my baptismal vows in this particular fashion at this moment in time.