The Shoes Are Landing at Last!

Well it did not happen on Friday the thirteenth, but on Monday the sixteenth. And I do not know quite how to feel about it all just yet. Is is a good thing or is it not? Time will be the final judge. What I do know is that as of a few weeks from now those "shoes" that have been hanging from the edge of that shelf in my life, threatening to fall for the last sixteen months will make some sort of landing and It. Will. Be. Resolved. I have been summoned to a meeting. The letter advising me of this, while not exactly friendly in its tone, is fairly non-threatening. It talks of closing and dismissing. These are good words, words I like hearing. It feels like getting on with life. My life, as I think I know it, with little to no major disruptions. And yet, and yet....Life has been disrupted. I have been disrupted at some level. Oh not in the way some people's lives I know have been disrupted in this same timeframe...in irrevocable ways that leave me breathless to even think about. Not with devastating losses of lives or jobs or a sense of self or the world as it was. Not that at ALL! But small wavers in my worldview. I am no longer so sure of my ability to choose the good thing, the right thing for all concerned, no longer so able to trust myself in some areas, and surely not as trusting of some of the systems I interact with. I no longer feel quite so optimistic about the outcomes of things, so sure that if I throw myself in, put myself out there it will all be ok....though now it appears that it will. There were some dicey times, or more accurately some times that felt dicey there for a while. In reality I guess, there was no real danger to me or my little corner of reality. Or at least now I don't really think think there was. I am assuming here that all will actually be well at the end of this, when there is an end to this. Which won't necessarily be right after our little meeting. There will still be fallout, still be stuff. I will still have to, for a period of time after this, say in certain places to certain people, "Yes, I was once accused of being a person who had shoes precariously balanced....shoes that fell on me....shoes that may have hit others....I was not a good minder of my shoes....I did not do as well as perhaps I should have in keeping track of all those shoes, making sure that they were all lined up neatly so they did not touch other shoes, fall off the shelf in a disorderly fashion..." But for the most part I think it will be done. And after over a year of looking up at those teetering shoes, THAT will be something to be thankful for.

On the Twelveth Day of November....

Well so much for more blogging! I did pretty well that first week or so, but this one kind of got away from me. The weekend was busy. We had a ministry team meeting Friday night. Saturday night and into the wee hours of Sunday I did a ride-along with a police officer as part of the Citizen's Police Academy I'm attending. Sunday was our Harvest Feast at church, and I squeezed in a visit to L at the jail. In between L and I finished up the last of the fall yard work, put the hoses and lawn furniture away and made some trips to the compost dump. I started out Monday in the throes of already tired and the week has not slowed down enough for catch-up. Dental visits for me and the cat, an oil change, a haircut, Bible study with the Soul Sisters, another meeting at church....oh yeah, and the day job.

I'm trying to beef up my tech savvy. Yesterday I downloaded Skype and last night I bought a webcam. This will have use both in my church and other life I think. Our team mentor lives half way across the state and we have been thinking that it makes more sense sometimes for him to join us virtually, so we've been thinking about how to make that work. And Soul Sister A has moved away...so the SS's too have been "meeting" in a new way. So far we have been including her via IM's as the other three of us gather here, each on a keyboard, madly typing away our thoughts, but that's been less than satisfactory. So we are thinking that Skype and a camera is the way to go there too. And that it would be good for each of us to have visual capability for those inevitable days when we cannot meet in one location for one reason or another. This is all very amusing to me, as I download and link and mutter away to myself about hardware and software and ports and bytes. I clearly remember sitting at this very desk not so many years ago (pre-blog it was) and saying to myself...."I think technology has passed me by." I really thought it was true. It felt like there was too much new stuff! Blogs and MP3s, podcasts and downloads.....I just knew I could never make sense of it, so best just stick to e-mails and a little web-surfing now and then. HA! Old dogs, new tricks....and it really did all start with this blog. I learned a little html, realized I too, could download photos and move text, and we were off and running!

So last night we sat, six of us, in a hundred and twenty year old church basement talking about the Old Testament. And at the head of the table sat a small laptop with a smiling face peering out. Two hours away sat T in his office, happily participating with us, able to be engaged with our study and also move on to his next thing without using half a day driving back and forth. We were talking about sense of place and being home. An interesting thought when you can "be" somewhere you are not.

The jail is "into" virtual reality too. No more face to face visits for the clergy in a private room. We have been relegated to the new "face phones" with the rest of the visitors. The only face to face visits now are with the attorneys. You see your person on a TV type screen and talk on a phone receiver. There are four such "stations" lined up in a row about a foot apart with a line of chairs behind them for those waiting their turn. The visits are by appointment so theoretically there should not be a lot of people there at once I guess, but still....not very private, not very conducive to prayer time together. On the prisoners end it looks even less private from what I could see through the camera. But we did get a visit, and L is doing "okay" and counting the days until December 10.

So today I am grateful for all those creative minds that develop technology that allows us to be in touch in ways we could not before....to be where we are not able to be physically, to meet and know people we would otherwise never encounter, to expand our world and who give us things with which to stretch ourselves when we think we are done learning.

And the Fourth.....

It's another gray one, blustery....portents of things to come. It's lighter now in the morning, of course, since the time change. But somehow that doesn't seem to make it any easier to get up and out on these chilly mornings when the bed seems like my best friend...and always at its most comfortable just after the alarm goes off.

L was sentenced yesterday. Finally he knows his future, or at least the immediate part of it. I was not able to be there, but I had an e-mail from his PD who tells me that the judge did grant the motion for a downward departure and did not send him to prison. She gave him a 180 day jail sentence, which means, with good time, he would get out of jail on or about December 10th. He is still in the local jail and will be serving the remaining days there until his release, which means it will be easier for me and his other support folks to get to see him. So that is a gratitude today. As I said to his sponsor...kind of good news/bad news....more jail time at all is bad news to L at this point, but good news that it is not more, and also a bit good news that we have time to help him put a plan in place for "what next." In truth had he gotten out yesterday he would have been homeless....again....without a plan. Not a good thing. And this time the CH program is no longer there to catch him, his girlfriend D is a 150 miles away and other options all have their complications. So this is a blessing in its way. We can help him think through how to best set things up, talk to D, see if we can figure out how to help get him to her, which seems to be the best thing at this point.

His isn't the only life I'm observing these days in which things are working themselves out. it seems to be going around. But it's hard to trust sometimes that letting go and letting things be could possibly be an effective strategy. Some of us seem to think that we need to manage things to a fairly high degree to maintain our safety in the world. I've already worn out my label maker in an attempt to create order in at least some spheres of my life! But I'm starting to realize that there are some things that are more important than pristine counters and tidy spaces, and that perhaps house that looks a little "lived-in" is evidence of the life and love therein.

So today's gratitude is for things working out. In L's life, in the lives of others around me, in my own....so many blessings large and small, so many things that fall into place, happen in the better way. Sometimes we notice, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we don't even think it is better at the time. It's that trust thing....and it takes me back again and again to "my" Jeremiah verse: "For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11

And on the third day....

It is Tuesday....a little overcast, more than a little chilly....November. I am waiting for a subpoena to arrive that may or may not result in my spending the afternoon in court. The attorney called yesterday to let me know I may be called. She is not my client's attorney but represents someone who is fighting with him about things that are very painful for him. I tried to explain that going to court and saying the things that I would have to say there might not be the best for my therapeutic relationship with him. My sense was that she didn't care so much. And I guess that it's her job....to care more for her client than for mine....to fight for her client's "side" in the courtroom...just as I advocate for the mental health of mine, and the chance that we might get to still work together towards that. I hope if I have to testify he understands that I am not a volunteer.

Gratitude....yep, some days it's a stretch. To be grateful that I do not find myself in some of the life predicaments of others seems, to say the least....a bit unfeeling...and yet, to be perfectly honest....I am. "There but for the grace of God," I do think sometimes. The mistakes, the missteps that get people in some of the most horrible messes....they are sometimes really not that egregious.... but rather simply thoughtless, human. A lapse in judgement, a loss of awareness, a start down the wrong path....and one thing leads to another. And it seems that some people start out in the wrong spot before they ever begin. I am constantly amazed by the vast amounts of simple things that people don't know, don't understand. Not facts necessarily, but knowledge and understanding about the way people function, cope and manage the "how to's" of life at some pretty basic levels. So I'm grateful that while I didn't have the greatest of beginnings, I got the basics. And for whatever reason, I was fortunate enough to have people and events come into my life to provide the advanced course when I was ready. And while I make my share and more of mistakes, blunder along and mess things up along the way in the usual ways, I think I can safely predict at this point that I won't be doing any jail time, having any OFPs against me, or seeing my name in the paper for a DUI or a disorderly conduct charge. Perhaps it's a strange thing to be grateful for, but that's where my head is today.

Just a little update....and a gratitude: I don't have to testify....they settled! Thanks be to God for people who can find it in their hearts to do whatever they did...compromise, forgive, let go. We all need to do that a little bit somehow, somewhere, everyday. A good reminder....for them it was a big thing, in my life usually it's little bits and pieces....but I'm just as attached to them. My prayer for today is to help me to be grateful for all that I have been given and at the same time to hold it all very lightly, remembering how truly little there is that is really worth fighting over.

November....Already!

Already we are a day into it. My "excuse" for yesterday was being on the the road. Though I did have my laptop it was one of those kind of here and there days. The ultimate destination was home after a weekend away, but there were things to do along the way that were just as important....the journey was as important as the destination.

This was a momentous weekend. Our Diocese met in annual convention. Once again, the church and the Spirit at work. We met for two days, Friday to do our "regular" convention work of budgets and resolutions, and then Saturday we focused solely on the election, which we accomplished after five votes on Saturday afternoon. We laughed and prayed and sang and cried together. For all those who gathered, for those who were considered as candidates, for our new Bishop Brian Prior, for our Bishop who will retire, and for his staff....so many feelings running high and deep....it was exciting, emotional, exhausting and enlightening. As always, we were so who we are as the people of God....human and fallible, yet wonderful and dear. I get irritated and frustrated with my church sometimes, yet I do love her in all her messiness. When we gather, there is always this something....this palpable sense for me that we are more than simply a group of folks hanging out together...despite our differences, despite our sometimes down and out wrangling about stuff (yes we do that too!)...when it comes right down to it....there is more to us than us....we are the body....the one body and here and now in this place....God is with us.

It was momentous in other ways, too. Intersections and conversations. Reflections and thoughts. Bumping into and up against things we know and think we know about others. Finding unexpected hurt and tender places and also unexpected courage in the face of them. And in this too, we seek and find the love of God as we find we are bigger than we can be alone.

So the intention for this month of Thanksgiving is more posts...gratitude the focus, giving thanks for life as I find it in my little corner of the world.

Today I am thankful for those who take risks in the name of love. Those who put themselves out there....whether it's in a big way....like allowing your name to be put forth as a candidate for Bishop of a Diocese...risking losing....or being chosen! Or in a smaller but just as important way....like opening yourself to let someone into your heart again, when to do so in the past has meant sure and certain pain. The world is a better place because you make these choices to love and I am grateful. S0 risk on.