Blessing Bag

I didn't have to cheat today. "Something that happened that I'm really grateful for...."

Well we all kind of know what that's gonna be now don't we? Yep....that I met R, that we fell in love and that we've decided to spend our lives together. It was just about this time last year that this whole amazing thing began unfolding. We were just talking about it the other night, how we sort of "backed in" to the whole idea of marriage and forever. Both of us were, to say the least, a little gun shy about the whole idea of love and forevering and were pretty sure we didn't want to go there. Yes, we said, we wanted to find someone to spend time with, go to dinner, be friends, companions. But more? No thanks. Been there, done that. Too troublesome and painful all together. Ha. A few months into dating it started to become apparent that we just might be having a little problem in that it was clear that we were coming to care about each other a bit more than planned. First we talked in vague and general terms, "the five year plan" and "maybe someday"....but as December turned into the new year it was clear where we were really headed...and of course on Valentine's Day we got engaged.

Love is such a powerful thing. I have known this intellectually...but I know it now with all my being. I have changed as a result of knowing this man in all sorts of ways. I feel freer and braver, softer and stronger, safer, calmer and less "wound." I laugh way more than I used to and I find life is a lot more fun than it used to be. I know that I face the world with a true partner, if I fall there is someone to catch me, and no matter what hour of the day or night, if I need him...he's there.

So as I look at the gifts under my angel tree, I am grateful for each one. But I am most grateful for the one sitting in the recliner next to the tree.

Blessing Bag (just a little cheat)

So this morning I pulled out "Something beautiful was....." and I gotta admit....I was kind of not in the mood....and I finished the sentence ".....NOT the snow!" Or for that matter the forecast. We are a mumbling and a grumbling out here as we look towards the next few days. Or at least some of us are. Some of us who are wiser and more sanguine about the whole business are saying things like, "no point in worrying ahead about things you can't control, it will be what it will be." But of course I am. Worrying ahead. When will it hit? How much will there be? What will happen to the Christmas services? What about Christmas Day? Will we travel or be at home? Who will come? Will it be ok? Yes, yes, Kate is worried about many things. it is one of things I do best. And used to do even better. I am, of course, wound much less tight than I used to be, though today you might not know this. I do worry about all of those who are taking to the highways this week. Some of my friends have long trips planned. Important trips to see loved ones who are ill, for Chrstmases that hold great meaning to them and their families. I pray that they will be able to make these trips and make them safely. Our own plans are small. We will have church. I have less than a block to walk. So even if the driveway is blocked, I will be there, as will R. Where two are gathered, there will be a Christmas Eve service. On Christmas Day an hour drive to the future SILs if the roads are "go." If not, a lovely Indian dinner at home with R and his daughter and perhaps another snowbound refuge or two. All will be well on this homefront. Even if, as the weathermongers on MPR are saying, "It's like the storm of October '91. I remember that one--we had three feet! So though I am a bit grumbly about it right now, I'm working on letting it go, on seeing the sparkle as it sits on the trees and reflects the Christmas lights, on appreciating the hush as it absorbs the noise of the traffic, on realizing, as my wise R says, that it is not mine to control, so I might as well just let worry go and let it be what it is....it will be anyway!

The Blessing Bag

I was going through my desk drawer this morning looking for something to put a Secret Santa gift in when I ran across a little red Christmas bag full of folded slips of white paper. For a minute I was puzzled and then I remembered, "Oh the Blessing Bag!" An Advent or two ago, my friends the Presbyterians did this as part of their Advent observance, and I had liked it a lot and joined in. Basically the idea is using the bag as a trigger for thought or meditation by simply picking a one of the slips and letting your mind go. The slips in my bag say the following things:

Something that happened that I’m really grateful for is...

Where did God show up in my day?

I felt joy when...

Something I think made God happy was...

One of my favorite things about my family is...

I felt at peace when...

One of my favorite Christmas traditions is....

Something beautiful was...

One of my favorite Christmas memories is when...

I felt loved or loving when ...

If I could take baby Jesus a gift, I would take...

So I'm thinking that for the rest of Advent, in the interest of ramping up that joy quotient in the right direction, I'm going to resurrect my blessing bag....starting now.

Ok....I pulled the one about being grateful for family....that's a good one for today. I'm thinking about my "new" family, the K's, or "the Clan" as R calls them. And Clan they are. They are big, they are raucous, and they stick together and love and take care of one another, even when they do not always see eye to eye or even particularly like one another on a given day. Today R is off taking his dad to a funeral. He got up in the wee dark hours to drive off to fetch him and deliver him a couple hours across the state. He is doing this because his sister called and said, "L died and dad wants to go to the funeral." R said, "When and where?" That's how it is with these folks. "The piano needs moving?" "The roof needs shingles?" And the Clan culture says as many as possible will appear to help. The Clan culture has made it possible for Dad to remain independent in his own place. It has also made it easy for this new future"outlaw" to feel welcome and at ease despite the sheer numbers of them to be met and sorted. The Clan culture, going back into generations has shaped who R is. Deeply good and generous, Christian....in the best and broadest that term can mean. I tell him he was raised well, and I mean it! I have had a deep longing in my heart for family and I am really grateful for this one.

Ho, Ho.....and I could be going on Three

I just attained "Ho" number two and I could be headed for three. The cause is a first....I have finished my Christmas sermon ten days before Christmas! I don't even have my Christmas shopping done yet....so this is very strange, but I am not complaining. I had some holes open up in my schedule this morning and suddenly found myself with a few hours of bonus free time and so I thought I'd just play with some ideas that were floating around in my head....and lo and behold....it is written. It is on the short side, but that is a good thing. I'm on for the 11 p.m service and no one is going to want to hear me going on and on anyway at that hour of the night.

And now, I think I will resume Adventing.

Breathe In....Breathe Out

That's what R kept saying to me all day yesterday as I ran from one thing to the next. It was a long, busy, churchy day. I preached and celebrated at St. J's in the morning, had the nursing home service in the afternoon and last night it was Lessons and Carols. In between I managed to get the house decorating done. We decided less is more this year. There is a table top tree in the living room that I call my "angel tree." It's the tree I started the first year I moved to the prairie when I was feeling so alone and isolated out here. I decided I needed a little Christmas. so I went to Goodwill and bought a small tree, bedecked it white lights and scoured every store in three counties for angel ornaments. Every year since an angel or two has been added. Sometimes it's a supplementary tree, sometimes it's the main one, depending on the year. This year it is accompanied by R's tiny tree on top of the piano and my mom's ceramic one that comes out every year no matter what on the buffet. That, a bit of garland and the creche complete the decor.

We had a nice full house for Lessons and Carols. A choir of fifteen and fifty or so in the church. In our little place that counts as a big crowd! Our soloist was wonderful, and we didn't do so badly ourselves for the most part. It was fun to look across at the choristers and see my own R singing away in the bass section. Today I have tune snippets running in my head and feel a bit muzzy from a liturgical hang-over. Today holds a full slate of clients, Christmas shopping to be done over lunch and a yoga class after work. R is cooking us Indian food for dinner, so that should help my recovery.

There is something about this time of year that always makes me so nostalgic and "remember when-ish." I leaf through pages of Christmases past, thinking about where I have been and the twists and turns my life has taken. I am very content and exceedingly grateful. But it has still been hard to find something that feels like joy. I'm still running up to Christmas on about the one Ho scale. This time last year I was crazy falling in love, the year before I was crazy falling apart. This year I think I am sitting in some calm place that resembles but does not yet feel like normalcy. I look at the little angel tree twinkling away in the corner and think of that first Christmas here seven years ago. I knew that God was calling me to something new when I left the security of the only life I had really ever lived to come to this strange place alone, to be in solitude. Little did I know all it would entail! That first year I cried myself to sleep under the angel tree on Christmas night, lonely and homesick. I've traveled far since then for sure. Finding a place, finding a home, finding a love. "Surely it is God who saves me.....I will trust in God and not be afraid......."

Check, check, check

OK....the wind has died down, the temp is still in the you don't want to know range. (It's minus eight in case you really DO want to know). The car groused a bit, but it started, and there were no driveway events. So all in all, we are off to a good start today. I'm on-call for the day job today and my phone rang while I was in the shower. Now while that's better than in the middle of the night, it does have it's complexities as well. Like finding a pen to get the info down, and the fact that all my referral info is out in the cold, cold car. Thankfully, they live here too and can be patient with such human fraility.

Further progress is being made on the "get'er done" list. All writing tasks have been accomplished and the ones that needed to be sent off have been duly dispatched to their respective places. The remainder of today will be spent in catching up on day job paperwork that got neglected while I was mad rushing to meet all the other deadlines. Tonight R and I are going to a holiday concert. The group is called Tonic Sol Fa and they are quite fabulous. They started out as a local group in one of the small cities not far from here and developed a national following. I try to catch the holiday concert every year if I can. This will be R's first time to go with me, so it should be fun. Saturday night is the holiday party for his part-time job. We are going bowling! Other than on wii I haven't bowled in years, so that should be interesting. I am laughably bad. So bad that I have been known to throw my ball into the next lane. When we used to go regularly back in the day, other bowlers would request not to be next to us.

Then Sunday it will be church, church, and more church. Mine, the nursing home and mine again for Lessons and Carols. I only hope to be transported once again by the singing of the L and C. It is often the thing that jumpstarts my Christmas spirit. Something needs to, because it is a little on the paltry side. We have some garland on the porch railings and an Advent wreath. This could be it. R is in retail. He is not gung-ho about my home decoration....he has been there and done that with wreaths and trees several weeks or so ago already at his mall. Some years it really matters to me....last year it did as I reclaimed my space. This year, not so much. I don't really Christmas shop anymore. That used to get some juices flowing. But there is little of that to do, and the pushing of the Heifer and ERD buttons, while very satisfying, is just not quite the same. So I'd say on the Ho-Ho-Ho scale I'm about at a Ho. Not really Bah-Humbug as I have been some years, but not really at Merry and Bright either. I think I have not totally recovered from last week's adventure as far as my mood and general state of being. And I am aware how many people are struggling right now with losses and suffering of various kinds. My clients, my friends IRL and in blogland. Sometimes that awareness makes it hard to get that holiday jolliness all ramped up.

On a bright note....XDO has found someone new and is getting married on Friday in a small private ceremony. They seem very happy together and appear to be well-suited to one another. I wish them blessings and a long and happy life. This is good for us all.

So I guess that's about it from the cold snowy prairie. Time to go to work and get that paperwork caught up.

Makin' a List and.....

Whew! It's Wednesday and I am still slogging away on that sermon. I have checked some of the other stuff off the list. That may be by way of procrastination, or it may be just getting other things done....but....I am still staring down the barrel of John and his vipers looking for joy. At any rate, the newspaper article is sent off, the robes are neatly hung and waiting for the singers, the coffee spill on the church carpet has been attacked with the Little Green Machine, and my service bulletin for the nursing home is done and waiting to be sent to the copy machine.

It's minus twenty-seven here today with the wind chill. The snow is blowing like crazy. I have already had two cancellations for this afternoon. Two hours in which I can write, with more possible. Given that I'm about halfway there, that should be plenty of time if the Spirit and I can stay on the same page and I can keep my mind from wandering. There is certainly no temptation to go outside for any reason. It's not a lovely day in the neighborhood. My morning began with R having to push me out of the driveway. Always a great start to the day. Front wheel drive avails us nothing when the drifts are deeper than the axles. At least I'm dressed for it....five layers when I left the house, not including the scarf and hat, hand warmers in the mittens (two layers of them to protect my delicate digits) and some serious boots today, no little girly shoes. When the first thing you are aware of when you wake up is the sound of the wind, it's not a day to dress frivolously.

"If you have two coats....share one." This weather makes me think about those people who have so little, and also reminds me it's time to get cracking on my "Christmas shopping." Have to make the big decisions about what to get people this year....ducks or geese, bees or trees, or maybe some seeds or tools. Wish I were flush enough to get someone a water buffalo....well, maybe someday. It's always fun to see what Heifer and ERD have put together on their websites for holiday giving.

Just got the word that my last appointment for the afternoon cancelled. No more excuses....the sermon will get done today! But for now, it's time to get back to work.

To Find the Joy Again

I am practicing the fine art of sermon writing procrastination. I know I need to get moving....I should have been at this thing last week, because this one is going to be crazy. I preach Sunday and have the nursing home service as well. It's also our annual Lessons and Carols blow out on Sunday night. That means an extra rehearsal on Saturday, plus finding time to get over to church one night this week to get all the choir robes organized for the extra singers we import from the college and the community. Our church womens' party is Wednesday night and I have an column due Wednesday morning for the ministerial association's contribution to the local paper. Thursday night we have concert tickets, and Saturday night is a party with some friends. I am foregoing a six-hour round trip to the Big City on Thursday for a meeting. The weather forecast and my sanity just seemed to say "don't" and I listened. And then of course there is my day job!

The theme of course for Sunday is "joy" (if you don't count that pesky little brood of vipers business). Trying really hard with that.....and not quite getting there. Friday was a pretty tough day. The falling shoes meeting had a good end overall. It is done and there is no ultimate harm. But I am still left feeling kind of shell-shocked. Clearly my understanding of what I do and how I am called to do it and theirs is very different. This would all be well and fine if they had no power to tell me how it is I should be doing it. But at least at some level they do. And so they told me that at least in one certain instance I did not do something in a way that met with their approval and in future I should not do it that way again. By extension they also intimated that my approach to my vocation(s) is probably more than a bubble or so off (by their lights), and if I wish to stay safely in the game as they play it I should tighten things up a hair. Safe to say it has raised my anxiety again. And it did not create any joy what so ever.

It is not all dark though. Seeds were planted that with some tending could become tender little shoots of hopefullness and maybe even joy. I so knew I was not alone. I felt the love and prayers of friends IRL and virtual. There was a visceral sense of being borne on that energy and it did carry me. And then there is R. He is my knight in shining armor and guardian angel. He delivered me safely there, let me cry out my frustrations afterwards, and distracted and entertained me to help me move forward and away from it. My "God-wing" gone so long is back. Comfort right now, and maybe....just maybe....joy.

I know that having a group of people with power tell me I was "bad" has triggered some old stuff. The critical voices woke up, stretched and got busy again. Quieting them will take some doing and some time. But for now, I know it's just a matter of the finding the good news in here somewhere. Isaiah has been my touchstone for a long, long time....."surely it is God who saves me, and Paul rejoices even in prison. Can I do less?

O Come, O Come....

I am trying to feel Advent-y, Advent-urous, Advent-ageous.....oh Advent-something! Instead all I am feeling is ansty! Waiting. Yeah...got that part ok...waiting. At least for the part that comes when I have to sit before the Falling Shoes people. I am not sleeping again. No surprise there. That is always one of my best stress indicators...along with other things which we shall delicately refrain from discussing here, but which are also indicating right now. I am instead taking naps punctuated by bad dreams. I don't recommend this as a way of getting any kind of restful sleep.

This has been a long haul....seventeen months to be exact from the time I found out that this thing was happening until now. Seventeen months of uncertainty, of wondering, of waiting. Initially I was frightened for my future, and my primary and overriding feeling about the whole thing was anxiety. Now I am pretty sure my future will still be there in the morning, and I am getting to some other emotions....deeper darker ones....like being royally torked about the whole blasted business ever happening in the first place. Like smarting from the injustice and unfairness of it all and wanting to stomp my feet and flail my fists and tell them just exactly what I think of this whole process. Which would not be smart or helpful, or have any point what-so-ever. So I will try very hard not to do that. I will try to take the advice of those who love me. I will try to keep my counsel on that day. I will think of Cheese's lovely goat and not let them get mine. I will remember other instances of unfairness and injustice far greater than this and I will accept what comes from this with whatever grace I can muster. And it will be over. And then perhaps we can resume our regular Advent programming. And sleeping. It would all be a good thing.

On the Night Before the Night Before Christmas

The last day of work before Christmas is done. I have just come back from learning how to run the mixer and light the big industrial stove over at the Presbyterian church. Tomorrow I'm going over early to start the corn and make the mashed potatoes for the community Christmas dinner before some of the other folks get off work. Since my church is so small that we only have regular size appliances, I needed a little tutorial on these.


I'm getting pretty excited about Christmas Eve. In addition to the dinner there will be church with the Presbys, some time with R, and of course my own service, which M and I will celebrate together at 11 o'clock. That late Christmas service holds such magic for me, to be the celebrant is still the most wondrous thing. This year, having R there will add a whole new dimension. He is being very game about fitting into this "pastor life" of mine. Coming to the community dinner, attending two services, it's all just fine with him. I find myself amazed and touched by this.



On Christmas Day, L has asked me to drop by his mom's house for a while where he will be visiting with family. I am so touched by this, and can't help thinking about last Christmas Eve day when I went to see him at the jail in the county up the road, only to find that he was not there....and came hurtling back down here to track him down again. This year to be able to see him enjoying Christmas with his mom and brothers and sisters and perhaps even his little son fills my heart with incredible joy.



So as Advent winds down I am filled with anticipation as Christmas comes.

On Advent's Fourth Sunday

The Fourth Sunday of Advent is five minutes old. I am sitting by tree light, the carols are playing on the radio. I am filled with such deep peace and joy and wonder at all this Advent season has held. So many changes and shifts. Letting go of fear, moving toward love...my goodness it sounds like Christmas, doesn't it?

I am so full of gratitude for the blessings in my life, for the love that surrounds me. I am particularly grateful at this Christmas time for the new blessing, the new growing love in my life that R is. As we lit the fourth Advent candle together tonight and he read the lesson, I could barely hold back the tears. I could never have imagined that I would encounter someone who would be a good fit to me in all the myriad ways that he is, and who would do so while being unassuming, funny and just generally likable.

I am also grateful for the grace and decency of XDO. We talked recently and ironed out some things that needed ironing and closed some things that needed closing. Given that I am clearly moving on, it was an important conversation, and I appreciated the generosity of spirit in which some things were said and offered that made it easier for me to do that with a lighter heart.

I am also really, really grateful for my friends who are walking this journey with me. There is just nothing like having good girl talk when you need it when you're dealing with all this relationship stuff....whether it's a "you go girl" or a cautionary reminder to "slow it down, sweetie, you're getting ahead of yourself again" I cannot be grateful enough for my wonderful friends.

So in these last few days before Christmas, I want to just take time to really bask in all these gifts that I have been given. So much more than anything that could ever come wrapped up in paper and ribbon, this really is Christmas, God incarnate, love here in my life in real present and tangible ways, every day of the year. Thanks be to God.

Apparently God Answers Rants, Too....

So who knew that I had a bigger range with this cold than without it! Of course tomorrow I will no doubt be practicing the smile and nod school of psychtherapy... but it was SO worth it! Lessons and Carols was everything it needed to be. The church wasn't packed like last year, due in part to the weeknight reschedule, I think, but it was beautiful and wonderful and I got to sing my heart out and yes, I do believe my feet left the floor. All was well. And I am as tired as I remember being in very long time. So happily, it's off to bed. All is well in Kate's world tonight. God is good and grace abounds.

A Wee Advent Rant....

Just a brief post of crankiness. I feel like a giant germ factory. A walking histamine. Tonight is the rescheduled Lessons and Carols and I have no idea where my vocal range begins or ends. I have tentatively been singing along with the tape, but it produces coughing fits, so I've been a little reluctant to push it. I did go to work yesterday. At least my body was present. After the Zyrtec hit, the 3:00 hour was a serious struggle with leaded eyelids. I went home and hit the bed at six last night and slept straight through until this morning at seven. Unheard of! I'm leaving at noon with my boss' blessing to take a nap and try to get myself in some semblance of order for tonight. And on top of everything else it's really really cold outside and yes, I am taking it personally! It's supposed to snow again tonight. Bah! Whose idea was it to have Christmas in December, anyway?

And on the Seventeenth Day of Advent....

I am getting a little more free time than I bargained for. Perhaps this is in the be careful what you hope for line of things, or maybe like snow, germs happen, too. But I seem to be full of enough those pesky little critters that I simply could not see the wisdom in going to work today. So I am home on the couch stocked with tea and Vitamin C and Echinacea and Zinc tabs, lots of water and lotioned tissues. I am not known for very good self-care when sick, and truth be told, my biggest motivator is trying to have some vestige of a voice for Lessons and Carols on Thursday. That and the fact that when last I checked I had something like 480 hours of sick leave. I talk a good line about this to other people, but when it comes to myself....not so hot I fear. Someone accused me of being self-important in my refusal to stay home. I had to examine my conscience a bit about that....do I really think I am all that important that the world will stop turning if I am not in it for a day? No, it's not that....but I do remember what it was like when I was in the depths of my own depression....that therapy appointment was sometimes the thing that got me from week to week. It wasn't CS, my therapist herself, though she was wonderful. It was more about knowing that for an hour there was a place where I could pour out my pain and someone would hear me, would witness how much it hurt to just be in my skin in that time and place. And on the rare occasions she had to cancel, I would be pretty devastated. So I try not to do that to people, especially if I know there are folks on the schedule that day that are in those kinds of really painful places. But once in awhile there is a day when the people on the schedule are a little more able to cope with a cancel or I am little less able to rise above my symptoms, or figure I'm so miserable I'd likely not be very present to them anyway.

So the trade off is more quiet and solitude. Enforced on a day when I have not enough energy to do and therefore must simply be. My own little retreat day. And there is even a task at hand. The Soul Sisters have given up the ghost on Discipleship. It seemed that the consensus was that DB was just not working for anyone but me, so we have decided to do a Mark study instead. The task for this week (due today!) is to read the entire Gospel for an overview and come prepared to discuss (somewhat intelligently) Mark's grand plan, themes, etc. Then we will go back and savor and dissect slowly for as long as it takes, bit by bit. Last week being what it was, there was no Mark reading, so today would seem to be the day. Our hope is that this will be creative and generative as we are doing this in a pretty self-directed way, no book....just our own research ability, our care for one another and the Holy Spirit to guide us. We are planning to each do some writing about our "discoveries" along the way to share as we are all writers. We are also planning time in January to take a painting class together, and we are hoping that this will find it's way into our Markan experience. Once again, I'm thinking I am blessed with the best Bible study group ever.

So I think I'll settle in now. Turn the tree lights on, brew a big pot of tea, turn on some Gregorian chant for background, get my favorite study Bible and see what Mark has to say.

On Advent's Third Sunday

Bah....the weather is frightful and Lessons and Carols is a casualty! We are rescheduling...Thanks be....I'm afraid it just would not be Christmas quite as much for me without L and C, to say nothing of all the work we have put in preparing. So it will be Thursday, and we are hoping for a better day weatherwise. As for today, it's blowing and drifting and cold cold cold! We were a whopping five for church this morning including me. No organist so we didn't even try to sing the hymns. It all felt a little out of sync somehow as we also didn't sing the other parts of the liturgy we usually sing. It all threw me off a tad...I kept thinking I forgot to do things. And I missed singing. I had picked out Comfort Ye My People because I like it so much, and it's not one we get to do often. Oh, well. Snow happens.

M and I will head out to the nursing home later this afternoon for the service. It's in town so we can traverse the weather to get there....and our congregation is there already! We will sing for sure, as she is my piano player. We are doing some good Advent hymns and I will do a slightly revised version of the Isaiah/Mary/John sermon I preached to the multitudes at St. J's this morning. And then, instead of running to get ready for the excitement of Lessons and Carols, I will be done for the day....home to a warm but quiet house. My decorating is done, preparations are pretty much finished except for some of my mom's old candy recipes I want to try. Perhaps this is a little gift of time in the too short Advent season. I did complain in my sermon of Advent moving too fast, of not having time to savor the mystery, to think about all that it means that this Incarnational event involves and calls to each of us to define ourselves around and against it.

Quiet. Time. Solitude.All unexpected gifts of the season on this blustery Sunday of Joy.

On the Eleventh Day of Advent

Random things floating in my brain on this cold Advent morning.....

• Yoga. What a strange thing it is. You move your body and things happen to your heart and your soul and your spirit. Three days running now for no apparent reason, somewhere in the middle of the practice I find I am crying. Effortlessly, unintentionally, soundlessly weeping. It begins as just tears seeping and builds to a point that I have to stop and go to child's pose and let myself simply cry. There are no thoughts with it, no feelings really. Just the tears. And as suddenly as it begins, it is over and I resume my practice.
  

• Relationships are complicated things. They are also apparently very interesting to the Facebook world. Just as sort of a lark, as I was feeling kind of whimsical the other night I changed my status from "single" to "in a relationship." It's not that this is really even technically true at this point. Facebook doesn't have a category for where we really are. Nor do I for that matter, I guess. "Dating" would sort of cover it. Someone said that the "In a Relationship" category is probably akin to dating in the Facebook world. OK, I can go with that. I had no idea I'd get reactions. For one thing, I don't know enough about how the silly thing works and forgot about it going on the feed. Oh well. So I declared it there in fun. And it is fun. And I am happy. And scared. It is way too soon to feel anything for anyone, my rational self thinks. Or it should be. Because I always do and I said this time I wouldn't. And I didn't plan to. But I do. And so what do you do with that? It's that darn head/heart thing again. I know I do not have to act on my feelings. I am finally that wise anyway! The main goal here is nobody gets hurt. And what I've learned is speed kills!

• Blessings. I am showered with them. What I am acutely aware of is how hard it is for me to just be grateful and not feel like I should push them away. This feeling is stronger than I have ever known it to be. Head/heart again. Or maybe not so definite a divide....but some parts of me any rate are very clear that the appropriate response to such fabulous gifts as the call last week from EF, the gift of R, my wonderful friendships, having a secure job despite the falling shoes, loving my whole little life, knowing the love of God, etc. etc......is simply "thank you," and sometimes I am there. But there is this part of me that wants to rise up and say "oh, no I do not deserve...." and feel guilty. I know with my rational self this is silly. I have a whole soapbox I do on guilt for others! It's not like there is only so much good to go around and my getting some does not take away from others. My being blessed does not cause XDO to have problems. I do not have to push away my happiness and sacrifice myself on the pyre to make up for anything going on in any else's life. My head knows this. My heart, as usual is on lag.

As the lovely hymns from Lessons and Carols swirl in my head and I try to get my brain around the beginnings of a sermon for Sunday on a Wednesday Advent morning, that's where I am today.

The Advent of Winter for Real

If you would lik to be amused tonight, go here and enjoy. This came to me from our ministry team's mentor who was so amused by it the first time he forgot to send the link. I love it of course because it's Anglican but also because it reminds me of blog friends far away.

We are having weather normal for this time of year as well. My entire bathroom is draped in Maggie's and my outdoor gear. It all got a little soggy tonight when we walked in the falling snow. It was beautiful, but very aerobic as it had not yet been shoveled. There was a good coat of ice in places under the snow and the act of staying upright was challenging for the human. The dog's challenge was different as she found the snow up to her armpits in the drifts. She was very intrepid though and plowed right on through. It looks like for real winter out there. In here too where we brought it back in with us.

I'm not a big fan of this white cold season. But there was a beauty about it tonight. Cold. Still. Clear. Still clean, the snow unbroken by tracks other than ours. I can hear myself breathing on such a night, and perhaps hear myself think a little more clearly. Advent is moving very quickly as it always does. I always want there to be more of it, want it to last longer somehow. I am in another Advent now too, more than one really. They are different kinds of waitings. The shoe thing....that waiting of course cannot be short enough. "Be done with you now!" I say. But there is another. A friendship....one that may be more....one that is filled with anticipation....one that I do not want to take any chances on rushing....and yet somehow my heart keeps getting ahead of me on despite my best intentions. Just a few thoughts on a cold snowy walk.

On Advent's Second Sunday

As Advent's second Sunday, the one of peace, draws to its close, I'm thinking back to all the moments in this weekend. It runs in my mind like a little film clip, scenes popping....Friday night at the "Parent's Night Out" which turned out to be the "grown-ups night out" when no kids materialized who weren't somehow connected to the people already there. So we partied on anyway...made reindeer from puzzle pieces, ate pizza and watched the Grinch and the Muppet Christmas Carol. Yep, bunch of grown-ups playing together. And a fabulous time was had by all!

Saturday morning choir practice for Lessons and Carols....I can't even rehearse these things without getting goosebumpy. I get flashbacks from last year on top of the pure joy of singing with people I like being with. Saturday night flashes it's own video clips that make me smile. More playtime, laughter and sweet time spent with my newest friend R.

There would have to be some clips of church if this movie would be complete. Today was a reprise of my new "church sandwich"....my own wonderful place in the morning and a new thing called "WhY Church" in the afternoon. WhY Church has been around for a while, our old mentor priest was one of the folks involved in the start up...he used to urge me to go. "Ok, sure, I said....someday." I knew that the format was basically a little singing, something to kick off discussion, a film clip, something from the news....and then table talk connecting this to God and faith. What I didn't know until I went last week for the first time is that there is warmth and community and concern for the wider community and mission....yeah, it's really church and kind of at it's finest. Oh, and when I came in last week, I felt really welcome. Not like church welcome, but like at your best friend's house welcome. Today R came along. That was special too, having a chance to share that with him. My film clip today from WhY church is R knowing all the words to the Grinch clip that was today's discussion starter. My favorite from this morning would have to be seeing L in his choir robe as we got him outfitted to sing for Lessons and Carols. He of course had to mug for the camera as one of the folks took his picture. He makes me smile.

After church Soul Sister S and I took her 90 year old mom out to see a living Nativity in a little town about 20 miles from here. The clip from there is the camel. Yep. Real live. It was amazing. It was either dancing or trying to stay warm. We opted for dancing. There would have to be a clip of those good bars in the church hall, too. Some I had actually never seen before. I'm wondering if it is a Presbyterian thing since most of my bar exposure has been Lutheran up till now. S's mom thought it a great success all around.

The final clip of the day is a waggy little dog happily enjoying a walk with her doggy pal in the new snow as her mom catches up on the news with the dog pal's mom.

With so many gifts and blessings already having arrived it's hard to believe that it is still early Advent. I am deeply grateful for the joy in my life. It is made more poignant by the awareness that all around me are not so fortunate. It's hard sometimes not to go to guilt but simply to stay in gratitude. And yet....I know that guilt is not a gracious or appropriate response to gifts given in love. So it is my intention to receive with open hands and rest tonight in grateful contentment.

And on the Fifth Day of Advent....

God sent me a wonderful gift. I had a call this afternoon that left me full of hope. The official person related to my falling shoes thing called to tell me my file was leaving his desk. He also wanted to tell me that while he is not the final say on this, that in his opinion, I have reason to be optimistic that in the end all really will be well with this and life as I know it will go on in some form that I recognize as mine. This is the most hopeful I have felt about this whole business since the day this same man asked me a whole lot of very hard questions. He says it is not likely I will know anything more until the new year, but he wanted to "offer some reassurance." When this is all said and done, if it really does come out ok, I wonder if it would be totally inappropriate to send him flowers? He has been so....decent through a very hard thing.

This validates and affirms again for me something I know so much to be true...that how we are with people is so very important. It's not what we say, or even perhaps do as much as it is how we are present. We talked about this at GBD last night...this ministry of showing up. How sometimes it's all we can do. That sometimes it's all we should do. To do more, even to say something, would be to do too much. Our job is to show up and be present and God will take it from there if we have sense enough to stay out of the way. Some days I need this written on my hand!

So on the fifth day of Christmas the person in the song gets five golden rings. I get hope. And right now I am thinking I got a MUCH better deal. God is good and grace abounds.

Merry Christmas to ALL

So many things in my heart on this Christmas morning...so much to share of a crazy busy wild and beautiful, incarnational Christmas Eve in which God played with me all day long! But alas right now the press of time to get to the celebration with friends calls....so I will merely say...a blessed Christmas Day to all of you my wonderful friends who have come to mean so much to me over these last months....and details to come!