I am trying to feel Advent-y, Advent-urous, Advent-ageous.....oh Advent-something! Instead all I am feeling is ansty! Waiting. Yeah...got that part ok...waiting. At least for the part that comes when I have to sit before the Falling Shoes people. I am not sleeping again. No surprise there. That is always one of my best stress indicators...along with other things which we shall delicately refrain from discussing here, but which are also indicating right now. I am instead taking naps punctuated by bad dreams. I don't recommend this as a way of getting any kind of restful sleep.
This has been a long haul....seventeen months to be exact from the time I found out that this thing was happening until now. Seventeen months of uncertainty, of wondering, of waiting. Initially I was frightened for my future, and my primary and overriding feeling about the whole thing was anxiety. Now I am pretty sure my future will still be there in the morning, and I am getting to some other emotions....deeper darker ones....like being royally torked about the whole blasted business ever happening in the first place. Like smarting from the injustice and unfairness of it all and wanting to stomp my feet and flail my fists and tell them just exactly what I think of this whole process. Which would not be smart or helpful, or have any point what-so-ever. So I will try very hard not to do that. I will try to take the advice of those who love me. I will try to keep my counsel on that day. I will think of Cheese's lovely goat and not let them get mine. I will remember other instances of unfairness and injustice far greater than this and I will accept what comes from this with whatever grace I can muster. And it will be over. And then perhaps we can resume our regular Advent programming. And sleeping. It would all be a good thing.