And Then....

So this morning L and R met with L's PO, who sounds like he is going to be great help to him. R called me to get some names and numbers for L and filled me in. The Salvation Army is still closed for the weather, but the PO thinks he can find him some shelter, and also is willing to run some interference with D's folks to see if they would be willing to house them, just until they can get up and running. That would be the best gift of all to these two, given all the struggles they have been facing. So despite a rocky start, and given that it's still bumpy....L is looking like he might be doing ok off there in his new town, with at least one new person in his corner so far. R is driving back on much better roads than she went in on. So for today....all is well. Thanks be to God.

Mercy, mercy, mercy

Well, L has had quite the day, and it is not over. The good news? He is out of jail. The bad news? Still homeless. My congregant picked him up this morning as arranged and they got on the road. The bad road. Icy, blowy, slick....And they made an unscheduled stop at his mom's, somehow. He can be very persuasive. My congrgant called me from outside the house. "They are fighting in there," she said, "I don't think it's good." Clearly not. But while we were trying to figure out what next, out L came from the fray, bearing his winter coat and some other things. The next call was a few minutes later. The younger brother had told him D was not being true. He "had proof" and L was prepared to believe him and pitch the whole plan. "No, I told him....plans are made, plans are set....and it's not that simple. You must go. R has given her day to take you on these awful roads, she needs to get you there and get back....pull yourself together here." (or something to that effect). "Ok, Rev Kate," he sniffs, "I'll go."

Hours pass with no word. No news, I think, is good news. Mid afternoon, I get the bad news....the Salvation Army has closed early..."bad weather." He has nowhere to go. D is, for some reason in the hospital for two days. R is done like an overcooked steak after driving 30 mph for 150 miles, and she hasn't been able to find a replacement to take her shift at work. "What do we do now?" The local PD are not happy with this development, a homeless guy on their doorstep...or helpful. "Go back where you came from," they tell him. "You should have made your housing arrangements before you got here," they say. (Umm, never mind that he couldn't make any calls from the jail because it was long distance!) "So" she says, "having no real choice here, we are hitting the road for home." After I mutter some unkind words about the Christian charity level of these PD folks, I tell her, Ok then, do be careful," and sign off. But then, at the last minute, L remembered his PO to whom he had already been transferred in the new town. They were able to contact him and have some reason prevail. For one thing, he agreed that it wasn't safe for either of them to go driving back across those roads tonight. She was able to find someone to work for her, and the last I heard, the two of them were staying the night in one of the local motels and trying the Salvation Army again in the morning. To be continued....

Winter...Coming and going

After the Friday Five I guess maybe my thoughts really did start turning to ways to stave off the winter gloomies. As we were walking into the grocery store together yesterday and talking about what to make for dinner, a sign advertising rib-eye steaks caught my eye. "Look, " I said to R, "they have steaks on sale, we could grill out!" Now mind you, it was about 25 degrees at the time, and a light misty snow was falling. But the idea grabbed us both, and as soon as we got home, while R was blowing out the driveway, I got after the back steps and the grill area and got it all dug out and ready. As I was taking off my boots, R came in with a look that told me his brain had been busy while he was out there with the snow blower. "I have an idea," he announced. "Let's try the hot tub." "Seriously?!?" "Sure, why not?" So, while the grill heated for the steaks, and the snow lightly fell, we steamed away in the tub. I had kept it full and heated this winter with the thought that "maybe one day" we'd give it a try. I think we have a new winter pastime! It was such an incredible thing to be sitting there all warm and cozy looking at the piles of snow in the yard and the huge icicles hanging off my roof. Getting out was not at all the torturous experience I expected either. I was so toasty from the tub I didn't even notice the cold air!

We enjoyed the grilled steaks, too. It was hard to get the gas grill to heat up, though, so today we went out and got ourselves a little charcoal grill so we can cook out anytime we want. If spring can't quite get here soon enough, we will just have create our own good times and as Jimmy Buffet says, take our weather with us...only the best kind though!

On another note....please pray for a "good weather Monday" and safe travels for L. My congregant is taking him to his new hometown in the morning when he gets out of jail. He is still unsure of where he will go for sure in the long run. The Salvation Army is helping out for a few nights, he will be connecting with social services from there. But the weather here is not looking very nice tomorrow and she has to get into town to get him out. So I am being pretty specific in my prayers tonight...good roads, no winds, safe travel tomorrow. Please and thank you.

Prayers for L

Well it's down to the wire and it's prayers or nothing. L gets out of jail on Monday and as of today he has nowhere to go to. The plan for he and his girlfriend D to stay with her folks in the town a few hours away has fallen through. She is there and they want to be together, but mom and dad have reasons why he can't stay with them....good and reasonable ones in the big picture, but not so good for him right now. I've been making some calls, but all the programs there have huge waiting lists, or he doesn't qualify for one reason or another. She's been asking friends, but all their couches and spare beds are full. There is just nothing breaking. And the situation on our end is no brighter at this point. It is, as they say, complicated. We really don't have a place or funds to house him for more than a couple nights either. He does have a ride to get there. The best hope would be for one of D's friends to come through with a place...just till they can get on their feet. That's my prayer today, and it's a big one.

On Not Passing Go and Getting Out of Jail

L's lawyer and I had a little e-mail exchange today. It all started because I needed some info about his upcoming release which was...yes was scheduled for January 9. R and I were going to take him down to his girlfriend's parents' house about three hours from here, and I suspected there were some things he might need to take care of before he left town. I was right on that score. However....the bad news....he has "done something" according to Mr. N and he has lost more good time. Now he gets out February 8. Maybe. Unless of course something else happens, and he loses more. Mr. N is concerned. He said in his e-mail, "I hope he makes it that long." Yes, Mr. N, so do I, so do I. When I saw him last, he was pretty much hanging by a thread by the hope of his pending release. With that now pushed back yet again....I don't know how he will stay positive, or hopeful or do the things he needs to do to stay safe in there. And every time he does not...it's more time added. I don't know how long the total could be. In truth, I am afraid to ask. I will go see him again on New Year's Day. The new system in the "remodeled" jail does not allow face to face meetings, even for his priest. We must talk over the phone. I can "see" him on a TV screen as he sits in the public area. He sees me as I sit in the lobby, talking to him at a "station" next to as many as three other visitors. It's not very private and it's hard to talk and harder to pray. But we will do both. He needs to know we are here and caring for him. He needs to know that God is here, too. That none of us have given up and he cannot either. Of all that has gone on for him, I think this makes me the saddest. Please, please pray for L.

L's Update

He pled guilty and the judge ordered a pre-sentence investigation and will set a sentencing date in 2 – 4 weeks, at which time she will make a decision. She did today, however, lower his bail from $5000 to $500 cash bail. Not that it matters. He doesn't have it. His friends don't have it and his church doesn't either. And even if he did get bailed out at this point....he's broke and homeless and his family has all his stuff, and I'm not really sure of their intentions towards it or him. His girlfriend D is with her folks about three hours from here. I don't know if he is welcome there or if that is even an option "out on bail." I plan to see him this weekend. I was hoping it would be in church.

Please Pray for L

His court date is tomorrow. This is the "real one." His attorney tells me that the sentencing guidelines for his offense provide for a 15 month prison sentence. With one-third off for good time, that would be 10 months. The prosecutor had offered a settlement to give L a 12 month prison sentence, which would have been 8 months. L had a choice to take the offer, go to trial, or plead to the judge and ask for mercy, leaving sentencing to her. With a plea to the judge in the best case scenario, his PD could make a motion for a “downward departure” asking the judge to give no prison, and just give local jail, like credit for his time served, and he could be out of there tomorrow. L decided to go for that option, pleading to the judge and go with a request for a “downward departure” and leaving sentencing up to her. From what I have seen of her in court with L and others, she seems to be fair and inclined towards giving people chances to make good. The PD told us we could write letters on his behalf, so that also may help. Prayers, I know will too.

On the "bad news" front: My congregants went over to clean out his apartment and found out that some of his family members beat them to the punch. The place was empty. Apparently L's landlord has never heard of the tenant's rights, even in absence, to their own property. The rent was paid through the month, but he let the folks in and let them have L's stuff. "Well," he said, "How was I to know? They were his family." No key, no letter of permission....just "hello here we are and we want it" apparently gets you a long way in small town land. I think perhaps he has not heard the last of this. But for now, getting out of jail will be good. Sufficient for one day maybe. As long as the art is safe. Pray God they have not "lost" his portfolio, that is really all we ask. The rest is really just stuff. The art....that is a little bit of L's soul on paper. *sigh*

Court Happened.....

It was short and it was not sweet. It was "only" the omnibus hearing...as in "does anyone have anything else to add here, folks?" No one did, and he went back to his cell to sit for a few more weeks. Tick-tick. Well at least he saw his PD. He told him it's likely his sentence will be fourteen months. He advised him against taking the plea for twelve offered by the prosecutor. His rationale is that with the two months or so he already sat, he will get time served and that will make it twelve anyway. Gotta love that logic. Or maybe the judge will be lenient. According to M who was there that day, there is a chance that if we write and let the judge know that other than this, L has been doing okay as far as we know, has plans, won't forget again.....maybe she will give him a shorter sentence or even let him go with simply what he has already served. Hoping, writing and praying. I can do that.

L...an Update and Prayer Request

I went to see L yesterday. He has been moved again up to the jail in the next town. the same one he was moved to on that Christmas Eve that I made the flying trip to visit him. This time I knew he was there. His girlfriend called and told me. She found out after she tried to call and talk to him and he wasn't there. So did M, after he tried to visit him here one day and found out he was gone. It's been harder for him to have company now that he's thirty miles up the road from us. In my more cynical moments I wonder if that was why he was selected for a move. He had been getting a fair amount of guests. M, myself, his community worker. Though not, according, to L, his public defender. His court date is tomorrow and the PD still has not talked to him. He is sad and discouraged and worried about the outcome. He's been hearing horror stories about "other guys" who went to prison for similar offenses and he's afraid that is his future too. He has one of his "bad feelings about this, RevKate." He cried the whole time we talked. He wants so badly to have another chance. He promises never again to forget to do anything that is expected of him. He says if he even thinks he might have forgotten something, he will go do it over again, "just in case."

His plan, if he is allowed to go free is to move down to the southern part of the state with D. He has finally realized that he would be better off with a little more distance from some family members. He told me some more stories yesterday about some things with family that made me really sad for him. He needs a fresh start. D seems to truly care for him and to have his best interest at heart, and I am hopeful that they could perhaps be good for each other. Tomorrow could be the beginning of that start. Or it could be the beginning of another stretch of jail time....
Please keep him in your prayers. Thanks.

The Hearing

My congregant M who is L's sponsor went to his hearing. He approached L's PD with a letter attesting to L's hard work to build a life and the fact that M believed that this "failure to report" was really just an honest mistake on L's part. The PD had no idea who L was and wasn't even sure he was his client. Yep and he was to represent him in court. L was to be first up on the docket, but the judge moved him to the end so the PD could at least read his file. The long and short of it is that based on what M told the PD, he managed to get another hearing on September 8, and bail is reduced to $5000 (which is still out of reach for L or his wee church). We are still working on some type of intervention in conjunction with his therapist, and he is getting visits from folks in the church and from me. This is, as C pointed out, a far cry from the first time he was there. But still, he is there, and there is not a good place to be, and clearly his representation leaves something to be desired! The two-tiered justice system in this country makes me want to scream and tear my hair. This is the same PD he had the first time. The one who, IMHO did not do such a great job of explaining all the ramifications of what it would mean to his whole life if he pled guilty to this crime that L was saying he did not do. But this is where we are today. There is no undoing the past. Appeals, it appears are not even possible at this point...what is done is really done. So pray on for L that he can hang in there until September 8, and for the wisdom and compassion of the judge on that day that she can see that he is not a menace to society and let him go to try again to make a small life with his D.

Deja vu All Over Again

So I saw him...back in that same ugly orange and brown visiting room where our relationship began. He is, as expected, distraught and frantic. "I forgot, I just forgot. I remembered one day, and the next I was going to and then I forgot again, and then I thought I already had, or I wasn't sure and then I forgot." Yes this is how his brain works. He was in tears for the hour I was there. He doesn't get why his family is harassing D, he's upset that she felt she had to go back home, but he understands her need to feel safe. He says they were starting to talk about a future together. So we prayed he and I...for his strength and courage, for him to stay focused and out of trouble in jail. We talked, too. About that relationship with D. I told him that after this is all said and done that can still come to be....I wanted so badly to give him something to hold on to in this dark time, a vision of a better and, my endlessly hopeful self believes, still-possible future. I reminded him that he is not alone in this, that he is beloved of God and of a human community who cares for and prays for him and will do whatever is possible to help him and D in this difficult time. And I reminded him of my lady pastor friends...my "peeps" and told him I had already asked them to pray too.

His hearing is tomorrow morning at 8:30. His therapist is talking to his social worker. I'm calling her too. Other than that....all we can do is pray.

L's Life Now

This is a sad story and a true one. But I also have to say it has its moments....God working, the incredible kindness of one human being to another, a small stirring of hope for faithful love amidst chaos....

I haven't posted about L for quite some time now. He had sort of dropped out of sight after he got out of CH for the second time last winter. He went to live with his mom in the town south of here after he had a falling out with the woman whose house he had been sharing here in town and he had not been keeping in touch. He'd not been in church either, all of which were not good signs. I'd run into him in town one day and he didn't look or sound good. He said he couldn't remember his mom's number, but I gave him mine and he promised to call me. He didn't. I heard through the grapevine (not always reliable) that he might have a girlfriend, he might be moving. I also heard he was not doing well and might be back into some old unhealthy behaviors.
Over the spring and summer I thought about him and prayed for him daily, as he is on my prayer list. But a couple weeks ago he started coming into my mind in an urgent sort of way. I started having the kind of feelings I had when I met him for the first time and God kept pushing me back to that darn jail with the sense that I just had to go see that kid whether I wanted to or not! Maybe it was because it was close to the anniversary of his baptism...I don't know. But I just could not lose the sense that I simply had to get in touch somehow. So I rooted around and found his mom's address in my planner and sent him a note....I let him know he was in my thoughts and prayers and that I missed him. I reminded him that his baptismal sponsor M lived just down the road a bit in his same little town....and I gave him M's cell number and told him I thought M would not mind if he called him....for a ride to church, to talk....or for whatever, because M had pledged to support him when he agreed to be his sponsor.

Well, turns out he did use that number to call M....in time of need. L was arrested last night and he asked his girlfriend D to call M and his wife and ask them to help her deal with it. They called me and the three of us were in court this morning for his intiial hearing. Seems that he forgot a very crucial thing he was supposed to do that could cost him another five years of his life in prison. A simple notification...I think a slip of mind for him, not a malicious act. He and D had moved three weeks ago into their own place and he failed to notify the people who were to be notified of such things. He does not process things well, or remember them. His next hearing is Tuesday. His bail is out of reach for his girlfriend, his church. So there he is again....in the same jail where we first met. I called his therapist. On Monday she will contact his public defender to see if there is anything by way of all the issues he deals with that qualify here to stop this. It should have the first time and did not. Perhaps we can keep this whole thing from getting even more absurd. People with problems that cause the kind of poor judgement he has need help or perhaps treatment, or even "keepers" of some sort to watch over them to protect them from themselves, for heaven knows they are their own worst enemies, but certainly not punishment in prison. And besides, it's a waste of a good jail cell to lock up this befuddled child that could be used for a real a criminal.

His family, shall we say, has some issues. They don't seem to like L's girlfriend. Perhaps because she is a positive influence on him. For whatever reason, they have taken a rather strong dislike to her, and they are the kind of folks you would rather not have disliking you...and they make that apparent. They scared her and she did not want to stay alone in the apartment. So this afternoon, M's wife R drove her three hours to her folks where she will stay till we know what is going to happen with L. R called me when she got home and told me that D wants me to let L know very clearly that she loves him and is not leaving him and will hang with him no matter what. Apparently D heard L's mama telling him something quite different as he was leaving court today, right before his brother offered to beat her up.

Sunday there will be a jail visit again. And yes, I will be telling L that D is safe and not deserting him. The harder thing will be to tell him I do not have bail and that it's unlikely that will be coming, but that we are going to do our best to see that justice is done...this time.

So once again....please, please, pray for my friend L?

Paying Attention in November-Before and After

I look at him and I wonder if he ever thnks about his before Before life got so complicated, before he had all those other people to answer to, before the labels, before things started to go down this path instead of that one. Because I think about my before. Before complications, before questions, before I decided that one choice had to be made, never imagining what the cost would be. I wonder sometimes, had I been given the gift of foresight would I have made the same choice, felt the same need to do the same things? I'd like to think so, because no matter what the outcome, it was still the right thing in that moment. It was, by my best discernment what I was called to do in that situation. And when it comes down to it, what else can we do but what we beleive we are called to?

Our lives are linked,his and mine, in some way that I certainly did not plan, did not choose. It was a simple Bible study. He was there and I was there and God connected our lives. It was very clear to me that I was to go back and see him. I did not want to particularly. I don't like jails. But it was very clear that this was simply an....expectation. So I went. And went again. And over time a bond formed between this unlikely pair....the streetwise beyond his years young man and the definitely no-so pastor....and always, always....God was there. Through jail and the house and the apartment and jail and now out again it is always God who connects us to ourselves and each other, who holds us both in the dark places and the joyful times. It really is very simple. Really.

An Update on L

I visited L at the jail today. The visits are harder to arrange and manage now that he is over an hour away. Visiting days are Saturdays and Wednesday nights, so I can only get there once a month. We talked about that distance factor today and the impact that has had on him. Not only that I cannot come as often, but that he appears to have lost his girlfriend, who did visit when he was still in the jail here, but who did not return my calls with an offer to accompany me there, and who has not written to him since he was moved despite having an address to do so. Other friends also cannot visit, nor can folks from church, the time factor and the distance is just prohibitive.

He says the time is going a lot slower than when he was in jail here. But nonetheless, he was in better spirits than last time I saw him. Hiq quirky humor surfaced a few times. He says this jail is a strange place. He says when he tries to do right he gets in trouble and when he messes up he does not get caught. He says even he knows there is something wrong with that!

There have been no further incidents of violence against him, like the previous stabbing in the shower. That is healed and he has not caught the staph infection that has been running through the institution. He says "I wash my hands a LOT!!!" He's been in one fight over a card game, but it was more of a scuffle, and he admits to landing the first blow after being accused of cheating. I must have given him "the look" because he once again had to set me straight. I don't, he told me, understand how it is in there. You have to constantly prove yourself, that you are not weak, that you cannot be intimidated. So you have to make displays of your power, your fearlessness, or at least what passes for it. No, I don't get it. I don't want to. I will be so glad when he is out.

He says that this is IT, he really really does not want to go back to jail EVER. Even, he says, when times get hard outside and he thinks that it might be easier to do what he knows so well and be "institutional." He says he is done. "For real this time, RevKate." I hope so. I pray so. He says he has been looking at the old guys. "Skin and bones with nothing to show for their lives" and he says he does not want to be like that. This jail is so much more like prison than anything he has been exposed to before. Perhaps this transfer was not a bad thing, after all. Perhaps it was enough of a glimpse of the future that awaited him that it did have an impact.

He has a little over a month left. November 7 is the date he has been given. There is still some confusion over whether ir not he is really done at that point or if there is more time to serve, more probation, or if he is free at that point. Clarification to come. But as far as he knows at this point, at least on November 7, he leaves that place. Thanks be to God. Not that he has any idea where he is going. Some of the time is thinking maybe he will move out by his brother about a half hour from here. But that might depend on probation. That would also mean that he would lose his church community. One family for another perhaps? Time will tell. But then in the next breath, he wants to stay here, to see if he can get his old job back, talk to his old landlord, ask for a second chance all around. At least he is thinking about the future. This is a good sign, a hopeful sign. He says he is drawing and reading his Bible. He was going to church and Bible study until he got put on restriction for apparently misunderstanding the schedule and showing up at the wrong time for one of those things....so they banned him from them for two weeks. Yeah. OK, they have an institution to run and a schedule to keep and I care about him....different agenda. I'll check my attitude at the door. Maybe. But let me say that he is not the only one with a calendar with x's on it!

He says thank you to my "peeps." You know who you are. Those cards mean the world. Blessings on all your little heads!

I can't wait to see him not wearing an orange jumpsuit and a number. It's good to know that day is getting ever closer. And until then...I just pray on that God will hold him and keep him safe and help him be wise and think before he acts.

The News from Jail

The news from jail, I am sad to say is not good news. This is not your little county lockup. The guard who did my little "orientation," such as it was told me they house 70+ inmates, and that they get guys from all over the state and that it is a tough crowd. "More," he said, "like a prison population, than a typical county would house. Very tough, very hardcore sometimes." So I should not have been surprised to see L looking pale and thin. He was, he told me "stuck" by a homemade shiv of some kind in the shower last week. He got in a verbal showdown with someone over a card game, and later in the showers where there are no cameras and no guards, he found himself bleeding. I asked him if he told someone and he looked at me as if I had just landed here. Which of course I have--on this planet. "No, Rev. Kate. That is not how it works. You don't rat people out. It just makes it worse." He is on his second room mate or cellie. The first one "did not work out." I didn't ask. By that time I already knew a whole lot about the life he is dealing with there every day. Inmates take other guy's food, they trip them on the stairs, extort them. And you don't tell. You just "watch your back" or have friends to do it for you. If you are charged with certain crimes you are an automatic target. L told me he is "kind of afraid to go to sleep" sometimes. I asked about asking for administrative segregation. He said "I can't do that, because you have to come out sometimes, then it's worse. That's the thing, Rev. Kate, to do anything other than fight it makes it worse."

He also told me he got some papers telling him (as he understands it) that he has more time to serve. The ubiquitous "year and a day." For something from somewhere. I asked him to mail them to me. He says they say something about bonding and bail. Perhaps we can have a bake sale.

On the bright side....there are those cards and letters....from Washington and Texas and places he can't remember from "these ladies that know you Rev. Kate that are praying for me." It was one of the only times he really smiled. And he is going to Bible study. And to AA. This tells me he has not lost all hope. And he is still drawing, though he has had to trade food for paper. He will have some funds in the canteen account soon, so that will improve. His days are long. He says the entertainment is figuring out what brand of soda will come out of the machine. It's random and they put bets on it and laugh at how mad guys get because they still think they are going to get what they push. "It's jail," he says. "What are they thinkin?" I tried to encourage the GED classes. Something to do...and maybe a nicer breed of cat? Or is that just my hopeless Pollyanna trying to look for something good in even this?

He hasn't heard from his new GF...I doubt she even knows she can write to him. He asked me to try to track her down, because to complicate things, she was moving the week he was transferred there. So I'm on a quest for D now. If I can find her, I'll take her along the next time I go visit if she wants to come.

So many things to deal with he has, so many consequences for this act, committed or not....it just seems so endless, like one of those bad dreams that just loops and loops. If it's true about the "year and a day" he will be transferred to a prison to serve that, he says. And those, he tells me are even worse. How much worse, I wonder, can it be, when it hasn't even taken him a month to get stabbed in this rural county jail that prides itself on "running a tight ship."

So once again, we prayed that God will hold him close and keep him safe and be his light in this dark place;will help him remember that he is marked as Christ's own and God's beloved and that nothing can separate him from that love.

Grace Abounds

I just had a call from L's jail programmer. I'm not sure why things seem to be moving along faster than anticipated, but I'm set for my orientation on the 31st and I can visit him that same day as soon as I'm done. I suspect all those RevGal prayers (or my "peeps" as L calls all y'all) may have something to do with this. God is good and grace abounds. We will now resume our scheduled work day.

Late Breaking L Report

Here's a late in the day L update. He sent a letter from the new jail to the church with a note for me. He is well. That is the good news. And he did get some of the cards from my "peeps." He also said that he had just bought some paper and things at the old jail which apparantly he had to leave behind because he had to trade some food to get the paper, envelopes and stamp for the letter he sent to the "church family." But he wanted us to know that he was ok, that he appreciated the cards from us and from you! He also says he is praying for all of us, that it is "ok" there. He says he knows that I will find him there because I always track him down somehow. He thinks he gets out on November 7 and is already counting the days. He says he misses D, his girlfriend and is sad that he can't see her. I think there may be a way....it only involves a ride and I can do that soon. It was so good to hear from him, to have him reach out to us like this is a big thing! I am feeling pretty blessed tonight.

Harder Than it Has to Be

I finally talked to the jail programmer at L's new jail. They apparently run a very tight ship. In order for me to see him "face-to-face" as his pastor I must jump through many hoops. She faxed me the eleven pages of forms and rules that I must complete and mail back. The first step is the criminal background check. If I pass that, she says, then I must come down of a Saturday and attend an orientation to teach me how to behave properly in the jail. I will also be interviewed to determine if I am of decent enough character to interact with "the inmate" and not be slipping him contraband, or taking things from him into the outside world. The rules they sent include a warning that I may be subject to a body search just in case I am even thinkin' about taking or leaving things. I have to agree that I will not call his family, or his lawyer or the judge on his case. I am not allowed to touch him other than to shake hands.

I told the programmer that I have passed background checks both for my church and my job. Doesn't matter. That I was approved to see him at this jail and had done so through two incarcerations for almost a year. Nope, no go. Clearly this is a higher hurdle to leap.

I just have this feeling that by the time I get through all of this he will be moved again! Which of course now could happen without my even knowing as we have no way to communicate. I was going to ask him to put me on his approved list of collect calls next time I saw him at the old place....but there was no next time. And he can't buy a calling card because when you move, as I understand it, your canteen money does not move with you, but stays in the old place. So I sent a card and told him I will come when I can, that we do remember him and pray for him, and God holds him still.

But I still think it's all a whole lot harder than it has to be!

Ergh...

In the why can't they leave well enough alone division....L has been moved to a jail about an hour from here. I found this out via the grapevine from the ex-roomate who found it out from L's girlfriend when she went to visit on Tuesday. I have no further details at this point, but will be working on that today when my old friend the jail administrator comes in at 3:30. You may recall we went through this the last time when he kept disappearing and reappearing in the jail up north and then this one again, seemingly at whim. I'd go to visit and he'd be gone. Then I'd drive to where he was and poof, he's not there, but here again! He never did know what that was all about. You apparently get moved for all kinds of reasons when you are in jail, some about you and some not. He says they just come and say, "Get your stuff, you are going for a ride." Shudder. So the cards people have been sending--I have no idea if they forward them. It's his birthday today and I know there were some on the way. I plan to ask Sgt. E just where those are and if they will get to him....sometime, but surely not today. On his birthday he will sit alone, an hour away and think, again, that no one remembers or cares. Because I cannot make visiting hours and the girlfriend has no transportation, even if we could get ourselves approved as visitors there on this short notice. Every place is different. The last time I was able to talk myself in by name dropping because I had also been a therapist in the same town and "knew people." In the hour away place nobody knows my name...so I'm guessing I'll have to go through the full approval drill as a new professional and meet muster. Have to make that call today too. Because hour or no, I am going!

So we moved his stuff out of his apartment last night. It's all safe and sound in storage. I saw his baptismal candle and the prayer book we gave him. His cross and his cards. They were all together in a drawer, safe and sound. When his room mate saw me packing them he made some flip remark about if L had taken his church more seriously he wouldn't be in this mess. I did not say the things I thought. They were pretty rude. I simply said that it was between L and God and not ours to judge that. I know S is very angry at L. He feels he betrayed him and let him down. He doesn't get all of the tangled parts of L's life. He is only twenty-something himself and is dealing with his own issues. He only knows he liked L, trusted him and thought he had a room mate he would be with for a while, and now he does not. He blames L for his own discomfort and he is sharing that very freely with me in frequent phone calls and voice mails. S is getting a new room mate now. I hope that will help in his struggles.

It's funny. L thinks he is such an insignificant nobody, a loner, an eagle who soars high above us, touching no one, just swooping in now and then when he needs to take something to survive (he has described himself to me this way). And yet, and yet....my heart hurts over him, room mate S is struggling with his absence, the CH staff still asks about him, his new girlfriend D is having a hard time and misses him, his congregation worries and cares about him, you are all praying for him and folks who have never met him are sending cards to him. I hope someday he is in a place that he can hear and know this about himself. That he does matter, that he does count, that we do care. For now I simply hope that the system lets him be in one place long enough that the mail comes.

Updates for Inquiring Minds

Well I did it! I went on the coffee date. The ice, as they say, has been broken. If the criteria for a successful date includes closing the coffee shop (okay, it was Saturday and they do close early) and both of us agreeing that this was a positive enough experience that we want to do it again, I guess it was a success! The two hours and change passed very quickly. We laughed a lot. Some at ourselves for being nervous about this date. We found we have things in common including both having more than one book going at any given time, not being particularly given to regular TV watching, singing in the car, and not suffering fools. We both like to travel and would rather do it on backroads than interstates, and think the homogenizing of America is a sad thing. This seems like kind of a good start. I was left with the feeling that this is a person I could be friends with, have fun going to dinner with now and again. Just a nice guy, as I suspected about him all along.

The church interview also went well. She scribbled as fast as we talked. I made sure to get in that this was all grounded in our beliefs and part of a larger picture of our church. I hope that makes it in...I want people to know we have a mission here! She borrowed some of the photos we have of the community center in Rwanda and took pictures of our "mission corner" where we have our boxes of books we are collecting to send to them as well as our local food shelf basket, our change jar for the priest's discretionary fund, the "Soles for Souls" box to collect shoes that the Diocese is sponsoring and all of our general MDG information. It's a pretty cool spot, and the first thing you see when you come in the door to St. J's. Gives a good message I think.

So now I'm just waiting for my friend to arrive. I'm hoping to get in a short visit before it's time to go do the nursing home service at 3:30. Sometimes timing just doesn't all work out. She's on her way home from visiting her brother and "passing through" and I know she won't want to wait until I'm done. But I wouldn't want to pass on doing that service. At first I was not so sure I felt comfortable there, but the more I do it, the more I like it. It is one of the few chances some of these folks get to have worship and you can tell how much it feeds them. This is a volunteer effort of the ministerium and we have a scheduled rotation. But one of the aides told me that sometimes people fail to show up on their Sundays, or their services are a little perfunctory. I was kind of blown away, I guess. I think I'd rather have people just say they were not willing to be on the roster than do that. I'm actually thinking of asking if they'd like me to take a few more times during the year. As it stands now it's like three times a year. I think I could do a couple more...it's not that big a deal. And I am after all a liturgical geek. Any time, anywhere...want a service? Call me! And this is kind of fun, because I get to go "off-book" since its a general sort of non-denominational type service with no Eucharist. I even get to be creative and write prayers and everything! Woo-hoo!

I did make it to the jail last night. L is doing a little better. He has gotten a card or two and that has lifted his spirits. He also has had a visit from the new lady in his life. It seems that the old plan of outside life and inside life never touching is not working so well this time and he seems to be adjusting to that. He was not so hard and cold and even laughed and joked with me like the L of old. It's his birthday on Thursday and he asked for a cake with a file! I told him I thought a card would have to do as I was not street smart enough to pull it off and I would probably end up over on the women's side of the jail and then the church would have to send me cards!

I just heard that my friend is about to hit town, so the day sails on. Life is abundant and God is good. Grace most certainly abounds.