Thoughts While Painting the Porch Window

Well it seems the monsoons are taking a break and we are finally having some really awesome Fall weather. Blue skies, sunshine, great temps....it's so gorgeous.  And we are taking advantage of every minute we are not at work to get those outside chores we neglected all summer done.  Garage roofed and painted...check.  Front porch walls inside and outside trim painted...check.  Outside basement door replaced, garden put to bed....well it's not ALL done...but there is a plan!  And there is an "inside list" in process too for the days ahead when the weather won't let us be outside anymore.  It ALL has to get done.  No more procrastinating.  We have a goal to get this place painted, cleaned, purged and pruned of unnecessary objects and we will get there.

I think a lot while I paint.  I was thinking yesterday about discernment.  About that whole lovely, messy complicated process of sorting out whose will is whose in my life.  About how I get MY internal voices (especially those anxious ones) to pipe down long enough to hear the Still Small One.  About risk and trust.  About letting go and letting myself be led....and how hard that really is for me....and how I really do believe in my heart of hearts that if I just get it figured out well enough, have enough control of all the bits and parts and pieces, leave no small thing to chance....that somehow that will be the thing that will make it all right....whatever that might mean!

Eight years ago I left my nice secure life, my house of eighteen years, my church and my friends, my town and all that was familiar to go off, all alone across the state to do something new.  It worked out pretty fine.  From it I ended up with a new good job, a home, a very lovely husband, great friends, not only a church...but a congregation in which I share leadership as a priest and my student loans paid off.  I also have a whole new sense of myself as a person as a result of the life events that happened during these eight years...events that I know would not have transpired had I stayed put, stayed home, stayed....safe.  I knew when I made the journey into the unknown back then that God was calling me out into it....I could not have said into what or for what purpose, but I knew for certain that it was about something bigger than me.

That call came out of something practical.... the need to find a way to pay back student loans. God, I believe, uses the circumstances of our lives as well as the promptings of our hearts as ways to move us towards the places we are called. So discernment.  What is the next call, the next adventure?  Where do our hearts draw us or our life circumstances take us?  Because this adventure will be an "us" adventure.  This story will not be first person singular, but will be in two parts.  Two minds discerning...better than one?  Two hearts attending to where the Spirit might be leading. Someone who helps me calm and quiet myself to hear that small Voice.

So the porch is looking good.  And at some point...there will be answers.

Thursday Thoughts

Ok so it's Thursday....halfway through in fact.  I'm back from clergy conference...a challenging time in which we tried to have honest conversation with each other about a number of things, look the future of the church in the face (and how we all might fit in it)....and not be too anxious about any of that.   In my free time this morning I've been wrestling none-too-successfully with Sunday's Gospel as I'm preaching Sunday and I have pretty much nothing at this point that feels worth saying. Can I say I'm tired?  So of course I am taking the avoidance route! Always a strategy when I can't find a way through....just ignore the whole business.

I really am feeling very "waffly" these days about a number of things....running kind of hot and cold.  I find I can get kind of momentarily enthused about things...workwise, churchwise, home and self-improvemement wise...but then, without too much ado, I seem to fizzle before action.  I'm not sure what that's about.  The waning of heat and light? Burnout? Early onset of the annual seasonal funk? I'm feeling "with" the apostles, needing an infusion of something..."increase my..... faith." Sure, that would be good! And yes, I guess I take comfort in what I've been reading in a lot of the commentaries...an increase is not the answer...what you have is enough, what you are is enough.  Can I extrapolate?  Dare I?  That maybe I can just be for now?  That maybe what might constitute faith in this case also might include faith in "it will be ok" even without my doing it, willing it, fixing it, changing it or making it happen ....at least for right now.  That I might rely for bit on God and grace to simply carry me along without too much efforting on my part?  That there might even, who knows, be something I could learn here....remember here? 

At any rate, the day is moving along, even if I am not, and the tasks are calling...so back to it.

Now

There was more to yesterday's post, but blogger decided not to save it for some reason. I had come back after we gathered. My thoughts of course were with G and her family. As we sat and talked about her I got a fuller picture of who she was. Generous, full of life and love for all of God's creatures. She was one of those people who saw what needed to be done and just did it, quietly and without fanfare. The posts on her CaringBridge site reflect many of the lives she touched. She will be missed by many. She will be taken off life support today after arrangements are made for organ donation. Of course. A final act of generosity. It fits.

Life. G's and dad's and the pastor and his wife that lost theirs in the accident....all of our lives, precious, long or short, we don't know. It can be so fragile. It's the only one we have, with now the only time to live it.

And Now....

There has been no more news from L. I doubt that I will hear anything from him for awhile. The cell phone is D's...she may call if she thinks of it, but they are focused elsewhere. On getting her well, getting him settled. I am just hoping it all works out. Trying to trust that it will.

It's been a process for sure. Exhausting for all of us who just work in the wings. I cannot even begin to imagine what it must be like to live his life. Or many of the folks I encounter who are out there at the margins, who live step by step with things always hanging just in one balance or another. People who just can't ever seem to get ahead, to see ahead, to think ahead sometimes too. R and I have both been dealing with folks this week who have made choices and had circumstances that make us both just shake our heads. "Will they," we wonder, "ever learn from things that happen? Ever make better choices?" It is a hard hard world sometimes. It makes me tired to live side by side with some folks in it.

Happy New Year

Can it really be the end of another year? Or the beginning of one? They do seem to speed by, and yet looking back, so much happens in these 365 short days. These years in particular, the one just gone and the one to come are big ones. In 2009, getting engaged, making plans....for what will happen on May 15, 2010. Now I am in no way a person who thinks that the wedding day is more important that the marriage. I am in fact appalled by that kind of thinking. R and I are working on planning a celebration that will be reflective of us and our love, and will not cost an arm and a leg, all of which does take time and some amount of work. We've been going at it as a team for some months now. And lots is done. The most of it, in fact. We have the places, the people, the stuff of it pretty much all arranged. One day last week I saw some sample invitations with all the relevant real details filled in. It suddenly became very real. It took my breath away. At a point well past I ever thought it could happen....I am getting married for the first time. To a man who fills me with such happiness on a daily basis that I can hardly contain the gratitude. Yep, quite a year...coming and going.

We went to the New Year's Eve dance at the country club last night as we did last year. And again it was a wonderful evening. Last year it was like a dream come true, and I'd felt kind of like Cinderella at the ball. There was all the excitement of being held in the arms of this man I was so clearly falling for, along with the nervousness that still lingered with the newness. This year there was nothing but the comfort of the familiarity of "us." He is mine and I am his. We share our own shorthand language, little jokes, and the safety that over a year together brings. As I danced I looked around at the space and realized that probably the next time we will be there it will be for our reception. The more "real" this becomes the more I want it to hurry fast and come!

This morning I feel kind of creaky. Clearly this body is not used to HOURS of dancing. The list of the places that don't crack, ache or twinge is much shorter than the one of those that do. But worth it? Oh yes! It's probably not helped by the fact that I went to three yoga classes this week. But that is a good thing too, as one of my intentions for the new year is to try to revive my practice as one my spiritual disciplines. There was a time when I had a thriving daily practice. Then one day....it just ....went away. Well, it wasn't really that simple. Life changed, schedules changed, I changed, and I never really took the time or the discipline to figure out how to put it back. But the time has come. I miss it in many ways. So when the local studio offered an "intensive week" between the holidays I jumped on it and went to class three times. OY! I am studying with a new teacher also. She does Anusara, which is much more like where I "come from" in the past with yoga. I love it, but it gets me in touch very fast with how inflexible and wimpy I have become. So it's back to beginners, which is kind of humbling after all these years. But then, I suppose yoga was never really intended for competition, even with oneself!

Today is going to be a very laid back day. Leftovers, time on the couch. That's what I'm up for on this first day of the new decade.

Wishing all of you a most joyfilled, blessed and prosperous 2010.

On Christmas Day the Snowflakes Came and Came and.....

It's still snowing....R has blown out my driveway once today so the dinner guests could get in. R said he thought there were about eight inches at that point. That would have been since he blew it out yesterday. We did have church. And that sermon did get used after all. What with one thing and another, M did not get hers done and asked me about half way through the day yesterday..."since you have one, would you?" And of course I said yes. So we split the service, concelebrated the Eucharist and I preached after all. We had a choir of two priests, one choir member and R, who also did doubles as acolyte. The total attendance was sixteen with the four of us and the organist. But we were there and church was had and a joyful noise was made. Our little choir did a rather nice four-part rendition of "O How a Rose Ere Blooming" with very little rehearsal after we decided we had to abandon the anthem for lack of choir. We had the traditional candle lit "Silent Night" after Communion, and we sent ourselves off into the night with a fairly rousing "Joy to the World" recessional. Immediately following our service R and I hustled ourselves back to the Presby church for a very quick turkey dinner and on to C's service there. My friend and her daughter sang, C did a wonderful first person meditation from the point of view of a shepherd, and we did the traditional candle light singing of Silent Night! You just can't do that too much on Christmas Eve!

Today has been a quiet and lovely Christmas. The original plan was to travel with R's daughter to his sister's house about an hour from here. But of course that got nixed with the weather, so he invited his daughter here to have dinner with us. Her mom got invited too, so she wouldn't be alone today, and the four of us had a lovely time enjoying R's fabulous lamb curry and rice, apple pie and pumpkin cheesecake. Now the comapny is gone, , the dishes and clean-up are done, I am in my sweats and there is nothing left to do, no place to be until Sunday morning when I will celebrate and preach again.

It's been a lovely Christmas all in all. Unlikely blessings in strange places. But that, in the end is where they often come when I remember to look.

Home again, Home Again....again

I've been back now from clergy conference two days. I'm finally unpacked, the laundry is at least sorted, if undone, the suitcase is stashed, and I am starting to feel settled in at home again. Phyllis Tickle was truly amazing! She did brilliantly for emergence what I so longed to do for psychology in my ill-fated History and Systems class and contextualized this "church thing" as a part of something not only bigger in this time in our development but as a part of a larger arc that sweeps and repeats through all of human history. She told us these cycles repeat about every 500 years....the last one being the Reformation. And, according to PT, here we are in a new one! Or as she refers to it, the church's garage sale.

She herself is very impressive. I who cannot do a twelve minute sermon without a manuscript, sat in awe as this woman, whom I don't think would mind my noting is more than a couple years my senior, went for six hours with no notes rapidly firing names and dates and history, events and people and places, linking and connecting....this leading to that...that bringing us here. And it was more than head stuff. For me at least, it made me think about how emergence either is already occurring or could happen in the places my ministry touches. M and I found ourselves asking one of the big city deacons how he does his Theology and a Pint programs. We have tossed this around before half in jest. We are after all across the street from one of the locals. It's a landmark for finding us...."Oh, St. J's? Right there on Main. By the big Catholic church...No? Can't place that? How about right across from the Nickel Bar?" And they always know! We are thinking this might be just the place for outreach!

It also got me thinking about the "WhY Church" that R and I attend as our second worship on Sundays. It is clearly in the emergent category. And it is on a cusp right now as the founder and designated leader is moving away. He is a charismatic person who has much passion for this ministry. In fact his move comes as he goes away to plant a church in another place. What will become of WhY is on the table. Will the members take ownership and claim this young church as their own and will it continue to emerge...or will it wither and die? One of the things PT said that is key to emergent churches is covenant....that those who come together to form these emergent communities really have the sense that they are covenanting together to "be church" with one another, almost in the monastic sense, even to the point of some self-sacrifice. She also talked about authority in emergents....from where does it come, both in the sort of the "big A" sense as in theology and doctrine, but also in "who decides," or at least that was where my head took it (practical theologian that I am!) These are all things that are clearly front and center for WhY at this point. I see hopeful signs. Some good decisions have been made changing the meeting place to make better use of resources. From what I've heard about the discussion that took place last Sunday, leadership is happening.

In my own place, I'm not sure how this translates yet, either. Perhaps we will go to the pub. I also had thoughts about an "alt service" at the campus at some point, or taking church to the park some lovely summer evening. Phyllis told stories that made me tear up about some things that people did...but they seemed organic to time and place. I think this will have to germinate for a while. But the grace of this was that I feel a stirring in my soul of some new life and energy that has not been present for a while in the "church" part of my life.

The rest of CC went quickly. There is never enough time to talk with everyone I want to connect with, to walk the lovely grounds, to just be. I had lunch with my Bishop on the last day, as one of our canonical requirements is that priests must request his permission to marry. I was able to tell him how wonderful R is and how happy I am. The Bishop was truly delighted for me and for us and we had a lovely chat. Though he can be publicly somewhat formidable, one-on-one, he is a very pastoral man, and I always come away from talks with him feeling cared for and blessed.

So now it is on to the home front. I spent real time in the yard for the first time last night, pulling up dead things, pruning and clipping and tending. It looks better already. This weekend, R and I are putting in the garden, doing the first mowing of the season and some other assorted outdoor chores. I emptied and cleaned and refilled the hot tub last night, too, so hopefully it will be warmed and ready for our garden-weary selves to get a glass of something refreshing and have a soak or two. We are finding the doing of projects together to be a fun and wonderful thing. We seem to have a compatible work style (a good sign!) and have a good time working on things. We have a "big one" in the planning....the building of a deck this summer. That did not happen previously because I learned that XDO and I could not do projects together so well. SO the ability to this is yet another gift I am grateful for.

At this moment however, it is time to get to work. There is still a Friday to complete before the weekend begins. So off to it!

Reminiscing

There is something about coming back to the same place for the same event year after year....it seems take me to a place of reminiscing about the whens and wheres of of other times. I was thinking this morning about last Spring's clergy conference. It was right after the BE 1.0 and I was in such transition. Like the BE, it came at a time when I was both wide open to the movement of the Spirit and also terribly vulnerable. And like the BE, it was an event that was balm to my soul, and both fed and nurtured me. I found connection and safety with my clergy peers, many things to think about from the speaker and a profound sense of peace and connection with God. Not bad for a scant three days.

As in so many other ways, I am in a different season this year. Things had been leading up to that conference...life for one thing! And Lent had gone deep. The BE was that whole trip to liminal space. Everything was about change and transformation. It was hard and scary in many ways, but it was also very wonderful and connected me to God in a very profound way. I think that is what I'm struggling with right now...I feel....untethered....I am profoundly happy and deeply in love...some people have accused me of things like "floating" and even being giddy at times. There is nothing I would I would change or trade for this....R is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is complete gift and blessing and I have no doubt (despite the fact that it makes him squirmy when I say it) that he is totally a God-thing in my life! But there is no doubt that my energies have taken a shift, and I feel a little off-balance as yet. Much of what used to be my focus now feels like a distraction. My gaze used to be an inward one. Now it is not. And I am struggling a bit....oh, not with where to find God in all of this. Clearly God is all over it. It is not God who is missing in action. But I feel a bit like I am....like I have not found a way to be here and present in this way and connected at the same time. Still a work in progress, I guess.

Today we will hear Phyllis Tickle...our day will begin with prayer from her book of hours and then she will speak with us about the emergent church. We have been assured this has been designed more as retreat than business, so I am hopeful that there will be some space to simply be....and so we begin.

A Little Fluff and Cover?

Monday morning....sitting in a coffee shop in the big city. I am killing a little time this morning. That's so far from the norm...that there is time that's not scheduled, not planned for. But here it is. Clergy conference starts later this afternoon, my friend has gone off to work, and I have nothing I have to do today. I have some want tos....checking back in on a wedding dress we looked at this weekend to see how I feel about it on a second glance, running a couple errands to stores we don't have in rural land....but mostly the day is mine to fritter away.

Dresses. Oh. My. The whole world of ivory satin lace and tulle and such. Who knew it was so complicated? I thought I was starting way early on this. Apparently not, as the nice "dress wrangler" told me some dresses take five months to come in once ordered! And then there are alterations and all manner of things. I have now tried on maybe ten dresses in varying styles...and mostly I am confused. There was of course that one dress. The one I put on that made me cry....the one that made me feel like Cinderella, the one that I knew was "my dress" until I saw the price tag. That was the first shopping day....a hard lesson learned...don't even try them on until you know what they cost! There is one other....the one I am giving the second look today that looks like the dress my mother was married in back in 1921. It defies the rules my Soul Sisters have suggested....emphasize their take on my best features....curves and collarbones....this dress is simple and straight and pretty much covers everything....but it's also very pretty and frugal of price....but what if I get this one and then find that one! Oh dear. I feel so shallow! People are getting sick with swine flu and I am fretting about a dress.

But it's today's obsession. I know I will move on. I will go back to the real world. It is partly escape. Our diocesan meeting on Saturday was frustrating. We were not our best selves. Why is it sometimes when the church gathers we have such a hard time moving past fear? As someone in my small group pointed out it is much easier to talk about bricks and mortar than harder bigger truths, even when those are not bad things but maybe just personal or uncomfortable ones. We are trying to reform and transform and change culture....this is squirmy stuff...so it's back to the safeties....but it makes me tired and it makes me sad....and so I think I'll just go look for dresses instead...just for today. Sometimes we need a little fluff, don't we?

The 5 o'clock postscript....I bought a dress! Rest assured there will be more details to come. For now, the attention turns to clergy conference.

On the Road Again

I'm about to get on the road again. It's actually not until Saturday. And I can wait. It's that peripatetic time of year again when I go traipsing around the state doing my clergy thing. And the month of May is going to involve a fair amount of that.

Saturday it's off to the big city for a convocation on the mission strategy networking effort that our diocese has been about for the last few years. I volunteered to be a group facilitator. What was I thinking? We have been instructed to gather at 8:30 for our marching orders....and I am not making the three hour trek until Saturday morning as I have an obligation Friday night on the home front. Oh, dear....departure at O-dark thirty before the birdies are up I fear.

And since I am over on that side of the state it makes no sense to trek back, as clergy conference starts Monday up thataway, so I'll spend the rest of the weekend hanging with friends and maybe taking in some fine retail therapy options. I'm looking forward to CC this year as Phyllis Tickle is our presenter, and it should be fabulous.

Then Wednesday it's back home to the day job where I can settle in till the 15th when it's back to the cities again for an exciting opportunity to get to visit with our PB Katharine. And then the next day I'll hop down the freeway to worship with her at the "other cathedral" a couple hours away....then home again, home again across the state. Love that windshield riding life!

At the end of the month it's off to another part of the state for the "Total Ministry Summit" where we gather with all the teams who do what we do to catch up on who's who and what's what. Love those folks and all the meet and greet....but whoosh! There goes another weekend! And here comes another drive.

I am so grateful for books on CD. That and really raucous music to keep me awake. I mean let's face it. After almost seven years of driving back and forth and back and forth, I have seen this scenery. I could almost make this drive in my sleep, but would prefer not to if I can help it. So good amusements and quantities of caffeine are in order.

This coming month really is shaping up to be busy. All of the above, the day job, preaching twice and finding time to miss R who will be trekking off to Norway to visit his daughter who is studying abroad. And there are tryouts coming up for the summer musical about which decisions must be made. It's The Sound of Music and I have always had the Reverend Mother fantasy. Well, now's my chance....but thinking about the time commitment is a little daunting....especially looking at how much the summer already holds. I've been realizing lately how jealous of my free time I have become....and how much I used to fill my time with things to avoid having that same free time. Hmmmm.....

I realized I have hardly posted about the BE2. And I have yet to share my pictures with the RevGals. Perhaps after clergy conference there will come a time "when life slows down" and I will have some time to reflect on that as well as what Phyllis will offer us. Well I can dream, can't I?

Fitting Room

Last Monday's list is history. Somehow it all got done and I am now down to a packing list. Things like camera batteries and cat food so they won't starve while I am off basking in the warmth of desert sunshine, the companionship of good friends and the peace of retreat. Retreat. What a good idea this. To call a halt to all daily events and go off somewhere, where one assumes there might be a little space.....for thought, for prayer, for ordering up the priorities.

My life these days is kind of like my wardrobe. I had this little meltdown Easter morning as I pulled out one Spring top after another and they hung there on me looking....well, big! "Nothing fits!" I groused, as it became clear that some changes really have occurred. It is not a bad problem....in fact it is quite a lovely one. And I am not complaining. Far from it! But it does complicate things. And requires that I take some action.

For a time I had this rather orderly little spiritual life. Practices and disciplines that were tidy and predictable and fitting. I knew what I was doing when and where. It was a routine that worked nicely for a single priest with a day job. And for a while there, I must say there was time that was begging for filling with something other than my very raw emotions. And I found that my church life obliged nicely by expanding to fill it. Taking a whole Saturday to write a sermon worked for me, as did spending many quiet hours in reading and reflection. I also was very willing to overfunction and spend as many hours as needed (or beyond) being involved in churchy things. Whatever there was to do, I did...and more. But the shape of this too has changed. And like my spring clothes, the shape of this no longer fits me. I have said no to requests to attend extra meetings, take on extra tasks. I have even told people they would have to (gasp) "do without me." And by and large, the other folks in my life are adjusting with a minimum of fussing. I on the other hand am still having the equivalent of my Easter morning clothing meltdown. "Nothing fits!" I wail as I look at my former wardrobe of spiritual disciplines and tidy routines. "And just what were you expecting?" asks my wise friend. "It has only been such a short time." Ah yes that time thing again. I forget that. It feels like forever I have known him....I forget how new we are. So, yes, I suppose it does make sense that I have not yet figured out how to be. How not to be the priest who used her call to hide from her life as in the past, or the single, solitary contemplative priest I have been for the last year .... but a woman who serves God as a priest in the context of a full and loving and healthy relationship. Finding what fits and helps me continue to grow spiritually in this season of new life.

I have said before I am not sure I know how to have a spiritual life in a time of joy. Pain has always been a good motivator for me. I'm not sure how it works without it. And right now there are some things that are not feeling too good in one dark corner of my life, so there is some push to get moving on this. The BE comes at a good time I know it will all come together. I will find my way, with the help of God and my friends, I will find a balance. New things will come, perhaps even old things will find their way back. It is likely that I will pray and read again on some sort of a regular and disciplined basis. Perhaps I will do yoga and meditate. These things did feed my soul. It is not the first time I have left them for a time. They call me back. God calls me back and calls me out. It's not all supposed to keep fitting, the same stuff, for all time, I guess. Just another adventure in God's fitting room.

The Countdown to Lent

I can't believe it's only two days until Ash Wednesday. This didn't really hit me until I was doing the T-fig sermon prep last week, and suddenly it was like "Omigosh, how did we get here!" Given that I am preaching the AW service, this was an additionally sobering realization, never mind the fact that it heralds in this whole season that I have given absolutely no thought to as far as observances, Lenten disciplines and such. Last year at this time I pretty much had my Lent mapped out. Had a theme, knew what I was reading...had at least an idea of where I was headed with a plan.

OK, I have to admit, I have been a little distracted lately. And yes, I am feeling a little guilty. I used to be such a serious overfunctioner when it came to my church-life, every minute that was not consumed with my day job(s) was focused on church or something related to it. In retrospect, I know that this, like a lot of the manic busy-ness that consumed me in those days, was a very handy way to avoid looking at some unpleasant truths that I was not, at that time, ready to deal with. But I worry some times that my pendulum might swing too far the other direction. Or maybe I worry that people might think it has. I'm picking up a little disapproval from some quarters, or at least I think that's what I'm sensing at least from one person. I've said no to a couple of things lately on the church front. Nothing big.....opting out of a meeting for a "family event." Talking about the possibility that out of five Easter week events, I may miss one. Again, to gather with some of my in-laws-to-be (and no it's not on Easter Sunday).

Overall, I'm feeling less internally focused, less contemplative. I'm sharing more of what's going on inside of me with another person instead of simply reflecting on it or writing about it. And yes that does feel a little weird and maybe a little unbalanced. I suspect I will find my way back to center over time. I do feel the need of finding some sort of Lenten practice to ground and focus me. And I'm thinking maybe that will help me feel like I'm moving back towards center again. I remember how much I liked some of what happened last Lent in terms of spiritual growth. But I also have to remember that I was in a very different place personally then as well. Life was in no small amount of turmoil and I was in transition in a big way. It's hard to believe how much change a year can bring. How much joy a year can bring, too. It occurs to me that I am pretty good at doing a solid spiritual life in the midst of pain and suffering and even in the midst of change. But I'm not sure I quite know how to do this in joy and serenity. Perhaps that is my challenge. To give up suffering for Lent!?!? Somehow that doesn't seem quite right to this ever-still RC kid...no matter how for recovered I like to think I have become.....But clearly there is food here for thought. It's a good thing I still have those two days.

Time

Time is a strange thing. To look at it on a calender, or one of those old fashioned round clocks, it appears very neat and tidy. Each hour, each day, each week, all the same size. Even months only differ by a day or so. It should march along in orderly progression, and looking back on any last two hours or last two months should be, by rights, about the same. But we all know if we are paying any attention to our lives at all that this simply isn't so. An afternoon of fun with someone whose company we enjoy flies by, while thirty minutes in the dentist's chair is an eternity.

Time does not move at the same pace, nor is is remembered so. It contracts and expands both in its reality and in its recall. The whole of the last year has been like this for me. It has had sort of an accordion feel. As I'm thinking ahead to the BE2, I'm remembering the BE1. What a rush that was! I had not planned to go. But then in the bleak midwinter, as my life began to do what in that time felt like a fast fall out from under me, something, some Wisdom I actually had the sense to listen to, told me I really needed some help here....and perhaps something radical was called for. So e-mails were sent and arrangements were made....and in what seemed like no time at all there I was on that aft deck saying out loud things that felt unspeakable and finding myself heard into being and new life. Those few days of course passed all too quickly, and the return from that liminal space was bumpy and the landing none too soft. The time that followed seemed to pass very slowly as I struggled to make sense of things in the new normal of my life. And yet as I look back on the Spring and Summer of this past year....it is only because I have it in record that I can recall as much of it as I do. It is blurry, like something that speeds by the window on the fast train to the next place. Because clearly....I was on my way to that next place, whether I knew it or not, whether I believed or not.

And these last two months....time is playing it's tricks again. In this new love...time stretches and compresses. It speeds and drags. It moves in one pace in real time and another one completely in memory. How can it be that in July I was caught between fear and hope and in January we are here? How can it be that in November we were there and now we are here? We are as if brand new with each other with the wonder of it all and we are as if old and forever with the comfort and safety of our love for one another. How can this all happen in this short time?

Go slow with love, people say. Oh, yes, I know. My heart knows and my head knows and my good therapist advice giving self knows. But in which time universe is this? In the one of calendars and clocks? Or the one of the heart? In the one that knows somehow that there is something here that is old and wise, that even in it's quickness, there is something deep and slow. In the one that knows too that there is something sacred here. That this is not a random thing, but one of grace and gift and blessedness. Because in the earthtime we spend, there is also timelessness..a connection to God and the utter eternal....the sense that in the only-now that is God time we are living God's dream that is and has always been coming to be for each of us...separately and together. We talked a bit this weekend about that coming across time to each other. How in some ways we wished we had found each other sooner. But at the same time, we know that now is the right time for us to be together. That each of needed all of what came before in our lives to be who we are now in this time. That had we found each other in an earlier time we might not have seen the same things in each other, appreciated each other, been ready for the kind of love we now find together....a love that makes space for each of our separate lives, that celebrates our uniqueness, that allows for all the time that has been and time that is yet to come but focuses most gently but insistently on the time that is now.

Another New Year's Eve

As I seem to keep finding myself saying....How did we get here!?! This has been such an incredible year. It seems like it was just yesterday that it was the beginning of 2008...and yet when I think back to that beginning, it feels like a very, very, long time ago. When I think about all that has transpired, about the things I did not know even know about my life then that have completely transformed it now.....well, it's kind of mind-boggling, to say the least.

I did a post last New Years Eve on intentions, my version of New Year's resolutions. The intentions I chose for 2008 were the following:

• To choose "compassionately curious" over judgement whenever possible regarding the behavior of myself and others.
  
• To continue to take the risk of authenticity in all areas of my life.
  
• To do a better job taking care of my physical being...including letting other people nurture me even when that level of vulnerability gets a little scary.
  
• To be consistent in my spiritual disciplines....yoga, solitude, journaling, prayer... those things that sustain me if I sustain them.
  
• To be a better steward of all my blessings, including (or maybe especially) the material ones.

As I look at these it strikes me how many of them have turned out to really be manifested in some pretty big and important ways in my life this year, considering that I really didn't commit the list to memory or hang it on my bulletin board, or do any of the things that one is encouraged to do with the things one is truly intentional about. I can only assume that these were things that I really truly did want, and that God in God's dream for me also saw as good, and thereby the opportunities were provided for me to work on them.

I've been reading back through some old journal entries and blog posts for the year as I often do as a kind of life inventory at year's end. It's always interesting to look back and see the things that I boldly stated and then totally and completely ignored, thereby indicating that I clearly did not or could not know them at the time that I wrote them.

Of course the big events of my life this year have been on the relationship front. The closure of one chapter of my life as XDO and I parted, and moving into what I assumed was going to be a long time of being single and exploring that in a new way for myself. And instead of course I am exploring something else entirely! Going on the BE cruise was such a pivot point for me as things began to disintegrate in my relationship life last Winter. I honestly don't know if I had not had that liminal space with the safety and love of all y'all, to whom I could say what felt at that time to be some pretty unspeakable truths, if I could have claimed myself, if I could have released the tethers with which I had bound myself for so many years, if I ever could have let myself really be free. There just isn't ever going to be enough gratitude....ever.

The other "Big Event" has of course been the so-far unbloggable situation that I have referred to as the "falling shoes." I got in trouble for something that I did that I believe was right and good and some other people did not. I am hoping to be out soon. I am hopeful about that. It too, was an interesting time in that I learned that faith holds, God really is there in the dark and that the prayers of others are a real and tangible force that will hold and carry me if I let them.

I learned a lot about being cared for this year. In taking that risk of allowing nurturing I have found it to be not only just a good thing, but a truly transformational one. It has opened my heart and softened me in some pretty important ways, I think. For perhaps the first time in my life I am not afraid to say, "Help me, please....I need...." And to know I can, and that someone does...well, it connects me with God yet again and reminds me that I am blessed and beloved.

So yes it has been quite the year. Flying by at the speed of grace bringing blessings and changes and transformations all over the place. Oh, and love. We must not forget love. Not just the one that looms so large on my horizon right now....the one that lights up my heart (when it's not giving me panic attacks), but all the love in my life. My friends near and far. Those whose faces I have seen and those who I have not. The people whose love does carry me and bring me God every single day. I literally feel as if I live surrounded in a cocoon of blessedness simply because of those friendships. As this is not something that has always been, I do not take it for granted and I treasure it deeply.

I'm still thinking about my intentions for next year. For now, I simply wish to all a blessed and peaceful 2009.

Advent Retreat....

It's 3:30 on the first Monday afternoon of Advent and my last client of the day has left the office. Three cancellations today and a group that is not meeting has left me caught up on paperwork and with time to spare. This never happens, so how blessed I feel that it coincides with the RevGals virtual retreat.

"Where your fear is most deeply seated, there God is already waiting." As I read Kathryn's lovely reflection I could not help but think back to earlier this fall when the whole "watching for God" business began. It all started because I was so much in fear and needed so badly that reassurance that God really is holding my life. And it has been in and out these last two months....rough places being smoothed and, I have to admit, days when my brain insisted on making mountains out of every hill, mole or other. God continues to wait in the yet/not-yet and now it is Advent and it is my turn to become the active waiting one....waiting on the Incarnating One, the always faithful one. And to wait in a way that honors and witnesses, that gives birth to in this world again and again the one who continues to arrive even as we wait....but only if I have the courage, as Mary did to say yes, let it be with me according to your will. Let me have enough faith that even if it makes no sense whatsoever in the human course of events, since it is of God....I will have it be of me as well.

A New Month

So somehow it got to be a new month. C asked me today what I was planning to do for November. I told her I was planning to avoid being hit by any more falling shoes, though I knew she was talking about the blog. Was I going to keep doing a daily post? Looking for God? Daily gratitudes like last year? Truthfully, I don't know. I don't feel a commitment in me at this point to anything, and yet I know that now more than ever spiritual discipline is vital to the health of my soul. I am treading spiritual water here and it would not be very hard some days to simply stop and let myself be sucked into the vortex that wants to claim me. I know I cannot let that happen and it would seem that being accountable by writing something daily in this interactive compassionate witness space would make the most sense as a hedge against that. The question is...what? Something as in anything, or something specific? Perhaps I should just keep on keeping on looking for God....it seems, after all to be working so far to hold me up in the darkness that is now. Any input will be gratefully received.

Paying Attention in October

C and I talked recently about where I am in this process of self-discovery. We looked for metaphors…..In the chrysalis still metamorphosing from caterpillar to butterfly….in that deep transforming secret darkness? But that didn’t feel quite right. I feel beyond that. I do seem to have found my new self, and for the most part, I think I have started to come out into this brave new world. Newly hatched seems more apt. Just out of my egg, a new chick on the planet. Yes, that one fits! Wobbly and blinking in the light that sometimes enlightens and sometimes simply glares,obscures and confounds. Wandering around, sometimes in circles, trying to figure things out, figure me out, feeling sometimes very small and alone in a world that seems suddenly very big and sometimes very cold. Oh, but also very exciting! There are explorations to be made and journeys to be undertaken. And it’s all fine as long as I can find that wing to hide under now and again when it all becomes too much.

I found that wing that night. We had talked, circling from the Matthew passage that captured me at the clergy conference GBD "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." C wanted to know if I was hearing this as invitation or prescription. “Cod liver oil,” as she so graphically put it. She urged me to be invited. To take time to be deliberate, to give myself the gift of luxuriating in the free time that has sort of “magically” opened up in my life, to spend this time just being, noticing, without worry or concern about where it might end up, where I might end up.

That night I just kept weeping. It just kept coming, overfull, uncontainable. And as I cried, with tears from what seemed like a deep and bottomless source, I felt a warm and tender Presence surround me, tuck me, nestle me. God was there. And for a moment, the chick was at peace.

The idea of unstructured time has always made me uneasy, a little terrified actually. It’s one of many of the reasons I have always stayed so frenetically busy. It’s going to be a challenge to let myself have that, to not fill the emptier days with “stuff” just to have the comfort of a full calendar. It’s not like I have nothing to do in the coming weeks. October is pleasantly busy with commitments of church and work. But given some of the schedule insanity of my past…..yes, there are acres of time to make me anxious here!

But I have decided that I am going to make a choice for. I am choosing to use this opening of time and space as an invitation from the God who, after all, does love me and desires my best. I am going to “roll in it” as C put it. To take my camera and my notebook and go to the open fields and the woods and the trails and wallow in the lovely prairie light. To sit. To listen. To watch. To sink into in silence and solitude. To look around and look within and really try to see what is here, right now in this moment, while I have the time to do so.

And in this time, I have decided to commit to something. A spiritual discipline of writing that I am hoping will be a least useful and at most transformative, in the way that last November’s daily posts on gratitude were for me. I am committing to daily posts in the month of October focused on Matthew 6:34, especially the first part of the first phrase, “Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now...” I am going to try to see in how many ways in how many places, both internally and externally I can find what God is doing right now in my life, in the lives and the world around me, and do a daily post on that. What I remember from last November is that what I focus on is what I see. So there it is. Spiritual disciplines are enhanced by community, so if anyone would like to join me in this, I’d love to hear about it.

The Detours on the Way to Transformation

I have been on the road a lot in the last five days and as a result I have encountered a lot of detours. There was at least one between every two points in my travels. Some were just a few blocks long and were more of a minor blip. Some were a significant distance, and hauled me a long ways around the countryside, threw off my schedule and my mileage checking on mapquest and in one case almost got me lost due to really bad signage. But the detour I was saved from by the Gospel was not on a highway at all

Our clergy conference last May was a thing of wonder. So bright and shiny and full of retreat-like peace...I kind of had a feeling going in this one could not possibly measure up. So I thought I had my expectations in check. I said to myself all those good and requisite things. "It will be it's own conference." "It will be what it will be and to expect it to be other is to set myself up for a big fall." I had a sense it would be more business-like. We are heading toward convention, we are working on some big things, including a new way of being a diocese together. It's hard work. Gritty work at times. We have been at it a while now and sometimes it's hard to see progress. Sometimes it seems like we talk about this all the time. And then we talk about it some more. One of the things we talk about most is how we must improve our communication and our ability to work together if we are going to survive and thrive as a church and be a transformative, missional presence

The first night at dinner I found out that a communication breakdown had occurred a week or so ago and I had not received a notice about the last Commission on Ministry meeting. They met and I had not a clue, so I was not there.

Then I discovered that I team I thought I was part of had made a rather important decision. I found out about it when someone affected by the decision called me to task on it because they were upset about the outcome of the decision. I had no idea it had been made.

By last night I was tired and cranky and ready to cash it in and go home. We had done a small group exercise that I found frustrating and not a good use of our time. Despite my essential hopefulness and what may even pass for cockeyed optimism about the future of my church at times, I was finding myself getting lost in cynicism and cycling down into those old dark conversations that only hours earlier I had heard myself telling someone that I knew with all my heart we needed to stop having if we really believe in the transformation we are trying to live into. I had seriously thought about getting up this morning, having breakfast and leaving. But I am still enough of a rule-follower that if the conference ends at noon, I stay till noon. And sometimes rule following has its benefits.

One of the things that has come out of our process of transforming ourselves has been a commitment to Gospel Based Discipleship. We have varied experience across the Diocese with this. Some of us have been doing GBD with our congregations and leadership groups regularly for a while now, others are just being introduced to this process of putting the Gospel in the center of our lives and work. The May conference was the first time we did this practice together as a clergy group and it was quite wonderful. This conference, like everything else, the GBD groups had been uneven, some good, some a little meh

This morning we gathered right after breakfast to begin our day with GBD . I sat down with a random group. Three guys, only one of whom I feel I have any connection that goes below a superficial level. We read Matthew 6:25-34. Do not worry..."Oh," I thought immediately. "That again....hmmmm." Cuz surely I had been worrying. Fuss, fuss, fuss, for sure. Worrying about my connections with these two groups I supposedly belong to. Worrying about our future. Worrying about my place in it all. Worrying about my little congregation and where we fit and if anyone even cares that we exist. Worrying about all the stuff of life, bloggable and un- that keeps me up at three a.m and decorates my dreams. The night had been one of sleep that was deep but not restful. I'd had a nightmare about having to crawl through tiny endless little gates that dropped me into nothingness and just kept coming.

GDB asks that you read the Gospel three times and after each reading answer a question. The first question is "What word or phrase stands out for you?" What I heard was "God knows." It was very comforting and somehow "settled" me immediately into a different space and mindframe than I had been in for the last twelve hours. The question after the second reading asks "What is the Gospel (or Jesus) saying to you?" The second time we read "The Message" translation, and Peterson has Jesus say the following at the end of the passage: "Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now, and don't get worked up about what may or may not happen tomorrow. God will help you deal with whatever hard things come up when the time comes." I had no doubt that this was exactly what this Gospel was saying to me. "Pay attention to God. Get your head out of all this other crap. Just listen up." One of the other people in my group was captured by this as well and talked about the difference between God's time and ours and what does "tomorrow" mean in God's universe and how does that change what tomorrow might mean for us. He also mentioned that what God is doing is God's business and that we don't always get it. And that is another reason why it might be good not to get so worked up. Earlier in the morning he had shared his journey over the summer with me. It made his comments very credible and powerful. We read a third time. I was still pretty lost in the quote and J's comments. The third question is "What is the Gospel(or Jesus) calling you to do?" No moving from that last quote....other than the idea that I should perhaps make twenty or so copies and put them up everywhere I spend any time so I can meditate on this every day for the next six months or so and use it for my mantra and spiritual discipline....yeah. Just that. There is, I think, something there I must attend to. Because it seems to have been the thing that brought me back from being lost on the detour on this little leg of the trip. This one thing. God, it appears, has very good signage.

A Moment and a Lifetime Ago

Two years ago today in the presence of my Bishop, my congregation and a whole host of assorted friends of every denominational stripe I was ordained a priest. I promised with God’s help to obey my bishop and “conform to the doctrine, discipline, and worship of The Episcopal Church....to proclaim by word and deed the Gospel of Jesus Christ, and to fashion my life in accordance with its precepts…to love and serve the people…caring alike for young and old, strong and weak, rich and poor...to preach, to declare God’s forgiveness to penitent sinners, to pronounce God’s blessing, to share in the administration of Holy Baptism and in the celebration of the mysteries of Christ’s Body and Blood... to nourish Christ’s people from the riches of his grace, and strengthen them to glorify God in this life and in the life to come.”

When asked if I believed I was called to this I answered fervently that I was. And I did and I do. But on that day, which sometimes seems only a moment ago and sometimes a lifetime….I had no idea. I think sometimes I still don’t really. But I’m getting it….I’m getting it.

There’s been a lot of on the job training. I sometimes wonder if this is because I was locally trained and did not attend seminary. But then I talk to my seminary-trained friends and they tell me that there are a lot of things that seminary does not necessarily prepare you for either. Much of that has been the interpersonal stuff. There is no way to learn this academically. You have to be there. You have to trip on it, fall on it and find you don’t die of it. Messing up and making up and going on in the same church with the same people day in and day out. Reaching out. Forgiving. Turning that other cheek. Over and over and over. Just like it says in the Gospel. Golly. Who knew? I have been learning some things about reconciliation and forgiveness and peacemaking. I have been learning about not judging and about letting go. I have been learning that praying for people who hurt you (and those who simply annoy the crap out of you) does really work.

I have learned that I can be really, really scared and do it anyway (and not a soul knows but me). That I can be completely clueless about how to do something and look like I have done it at least once before. I have come to rely on the Book of Common Prayer as a priceless resource. It really is all there in the fine print if you just know where to look!

This came as no newsflash but has been reinforced over and over….I love doing liturgy! I would celebrate the Eucharist or officiate at any kind of liturgical service any time any place any day! I have used this analogy before, but to me it feels like being the hostess at the best party in the world. When I was first ordained I was a bit of a perfectionist freak about things. It was the anxiety, I know. I am no less a perfectionist now, but I hope I’m less of a freak! I see my job as the presider as making the worship experience seamless for the congregation. There should be no hiccups in the proceedings to distract them (at least not coming from me). I should be able to kind of become part of the landscape of the worship event, like the music and the liturgical atmospherics. I’m finding the more I do it the easier it gets to also relax and enjoy it. I still have to pinch myself most of the time though to believe it’s really me there doing this amazing thing. I still cry a little bit more Sundays than not a some point in the proceedings just from sheer joy.

The “getting off the altar” part was quicker and easier than some of us had feared. I was clearly seduced into the priesthood by liturgy. That is no secret. I’ve been a closet mystic since I was twelve. I’m Celtic, I’m a writer, I come by it honestly! There were some among us who feared that I would become one of “those” priests who lock themselves in a holy ivory prayer tower and forget about the needs of the world. God’s dream for me was bigger than that and I am grateful that I had the sense to pay attention. The altar is the place to bring the concerns of the world, the place to come and offer them and be strengthened to go out again. If we have not been in the world, what is there to bring?

I’m liking preaching more all the time, too. Of course don’t ask me about that some Saturday night when I’ve been struggling with some recalcitrant sermon for hours and hours….but as a whole, contrary to what some folks say, I think it has gotten easier. Or maybe I should say, I’ve gotten easier. Easier with my expectations of myself. But in some ways, I’ve got riskier with myself as well. The personal life events of the last year have been good for my preaching. I have let go of so much and accepted so much, and that has made me more authentic and courageous, and has given me so much more certainty about being loved by God and other people….and well, that preaches!

So as I celebrate this two year anniversary, I find as always I am amazed and grateful that I ended up here, living this impossible dream. It’s clear to me that it’s really true that with God anything is possible. I wonder what the coming years will hold.

I Wish the Earth Would Weep

Well it never did rain. The humidity hangs heavy in the air. It parallels my spirit this morning. I'm thinking about E, the young man who committed suicide. I read his obituary. It talked about his love for his family and his passion for music. He has a huge extended family. He is survived by all of his grandparents. I am sad for them all.

I am thinking about our Gannet Girl and her loss. What a blessing it is that she and family are surrounded in such love and beauty. And yet, and yet....

I am thinking about S, whose funeral is ready to be celebrated on Saturday. I have done my best to make this a small gift to him, to honor his life...which I think was not an easy one.

I am thinking about this day seven years ago. It was warm and sunny and bright. When the first plane hit the tower, for a brief innocent moment I thought it was simply an accident. Before. Before the innocence was lost. Before the horror, the unthinkable that changed us all.

I still wish it would rain.