Ok so it's Thursday....halfway through in fact. I'm back from clergy conference...a challenging time in which we tried to have honest conversation with each other about a number of things, look the future of the church in the face (and how we all might fit in it)....and not be too anxious about any of that. In my free time this morning I've been wrestling none-too-successfully with Sunday's Gospel as I'm preaching Sunday and I have pretty much nothing at this point that feels worth saying. Can I say I'm tired? So of course I am taking the avoidance route! Always a strategy when I can't find a way through....just ignore the whole business.
I really am feeling very "waffly" these days about a number of things....running kind of hot and cold. I find I can get kind of momentarily enthused about things...workwise, churchwise, home and self-improvemement wise...but then, without too much ado, I seem to fizzle before action. I'm not sure what that's about. The waning of heat and light? Burnout? Early onset of the annual seasonal funk? I'm feeling "with" the apostles, needing an infusion of something..."increase my..... faith." Sure, that would be good! And yes, I guess I take comfort in what I've been reading in a lot of the commentaries...an increase is not the answer...what you have is enough, what you are is enough. Can I extrapolate? Dare I? That maybe I can just be for now? That maybe what might constitute faith in this case also might include faith in "it will be ok" even without my doing it, willing it, fixing it, changing it or making it happen ....at least for right now. That I might rely for bit on God and grace to simply carry me along without too much efforting on my part? That there might even, who knows, be something I could learn here....remember here?
At any rate, the day is moving along, even if I am not, and the tasks are calling...so back to it.