Monday on the edge of Christmas week....

It has been a very strange Advent.  It hardly seems possible that it's the beginning of the fourth, and last week, already.  I have not been in my church since Advent 1. The second Sunday I was scheduled for supply away and it was cancelled for weather, last Sunday WE Cancelled for weather, and yesterday I stayed home because I was personally a little under my own particular weather....and so it goes.  It's been strange in other ways, too.  I suspect it's partially the church  thing, but I'm feeling rather unprepared for Christmas in the sense of my spirit just not being ready. I feel rather disconnected from the whole business right now, a rather "going-through-the motions" sort of thing.

There are a whole host of reasons for this, I suspect.  I've alluded to the fact that there are some stressors in my work life right now that are making it less than a happy place to be eight hours a day five days a week.  I'm also feeling some stress in my church life that makes it a little harder than usual to be there, too. And there's that SAD thing that seems to have hit me harder than usual this year.  Maybe because winter seems to have come earlier than usual and with vengeance.  We have another 4-6" predicted for today.  It seems to never stop, and it's technically not even winter yet! It was our hope that this would be our last winter in the cold and snowy land.  We still hope that this is true, but I am less optimistic than I once was that we will actually be able to make a major move this year.  There are all sorts of reasons for this that have to do with technical rules and regs related to the licensure for my day job and how I was educated for it over ten years ago.  It seems that simply being educated for and having a license in a profession for a number of years in one state does not qualify one to obtain that same licensure in another. Oh if it were only that simple! So I'm feeling sort of glum about all of that right now.

And then there was the Lessons and Carols thing. Short story.  It got cancelled and I was glad.  Anyone who has been here for a while could not imagine that I would ever say that.  I could not imagine that I would ever be saying that.  But this year....yes. We have (well now it's had but that's another story) a new choir director.  He had his own ideas about things.  They did not include our traditional L and C but rather a much pared down version.  Somber Advent version.  Hymns, chants...from the Hymnal, lots of congregational singing.  All well and good I suppose.  But not our tradition.  He didn't ask, he just...decided.  There was to be but one rehearsal.  All that was needed really for this simple version.  It got pre-empted by a blizzard. So did the L and C. End of story. He's decided to step down after a very short tenure as CD.  It's ok.  He will stay as in the organist's rotation. That should work.

It's snowing.  It looks like that prediction is right on point. The cancellations are starting to come in. It will be a good day to catch up on end of year paperwork and maybe some much needed office cleaning. I have some really yummy leftovers to microwave for lunch, and a good book on my Nook to keep me occupied. The trick is to keep my brain busy and on task.  It likes to go off down dark little rabbit trails when left to it's own devices. So like a good minder, I must have things ready to keep it gainfully employed.

So begins the last week of the Advent that never really started. There's part of me that still wants to redeem it somehow. Get  out the wreath before it's all over. "Light the candles, banish the darkness" the small and ever-hopeful part of me says. Perhaps. Perhaps. I do know still where the box is stored.  It would not take so much to find it. One small act to beat back this gloom, one small defiance to claim this Christmas yet.

To Dream Perhance to....Panic?

I woke up twice last night just short of panic.  This has not happened to me for a very long time. So long that I had almost forgotten how very bad it feels to come out of sleep gasping and disoriented.  I think I was having nightmares, but I don't remember.  There was something about a snake and, the second time flashes of bright colored fabric. But what it means...who knows?  I have never even really been quite sure what school of dream theory I subscribe to.  The random flashes of the synapses, that we, makers of meaning that we are, simply must put story to?  The "digestive system" of the brain, working through the flotsam and jetsam of the day, putting it in order and figuring out where and how amidst the options available to store this feeling or that memory? An arcane and magical set of symbols, tapped deeply into the collective unconscious or some other deeper Knowing that helps us connect, if we are willing to attend, through our dreams to deeper and greater truths?  Or all of this...or none?

All I know for sure is that it is not a nice way to start the day.  However, it does feel, as we say in my biz, rather "mood congruent" for the way of things of late.  The last time I had these nasty night panic things, as well as waking anxiety at the level I'm now carrying it, was during my internship.  Those were twelve long dark months that I'd never wish to live through again.  I'd like to think that I am personally a lot healthier now and have a lot more going for me in the coping skills department, as well as a rock solid support system and safety net par excellence.  But I also know well my vulnerabilities.  This generally is not my favorite time of year.  It's cold, it's dark and people often demand cheerfulness of a level that I just can't quite muster. It's pretty much taking what I have to get up and get here, be here.  And I am practicing some restraint (the filter posts to the contrary), which takes even more.

I note that I am still capable of gratitude and I consider this a very good sign.  Small things that really are not so small...R's knowing when all is not well, coffee in the bloodstream, the waggy Maggie in the morning kitchen....the small Voice that reminds me..."it will pass, it will pass." The knowledge that there IS a cruise out there somewhere with my name on it, and that this time next year......anywhere but here....these things help too.  But today is a darkish one.  And I am plodding through.

Filter Failure (again)

Well I lost my filters again. Yes it was another meeting.  This time it was my peers and direct supervisor. (Last time I lost it with the Executive Director!) Maybe I should not be allowed to attend meetings.  Or should be required to be muzzled prior. I used to be so good at this "sit quietly and keep your counsel" business. But lately....things just spill out of me. They are true things.  They are honest things.  But they are not always prudent things to say, nor are they always said in the most...um, shall we say...."nice" way. I'm afraid my feelings are pretty apparent...and they are not the "nice feelings" either.  I'm angry, frustrated, agitated and incensed.  I'm tired of people who have never been "in the shoes" saying how it it is and how it must be.  I'm really sick of people with no vision and no sense of mission disrespecting and discounting my education, skills and experience, but even more importantly, the lived experience of the people we are here to serve by micromanaging and setting up silly petty rules that exist only because "the consultant says" they should and only the bottom line counts more than anything else. (Yep, last time I checked I still worked for a non-profit.)

So I am praying for patience and a greater sense of discretion (or a big roll of flesh colored duct tape).  The little numbers in the counter to the right are significant.  The Next Great Adventure cannot begin until this one has run its course.  There is a commitment to be kept and I cannot afford to do anything really egregious.  My work here is not done, either.  There are people with whom things are still to be accomplished in our time remaining. So one day at a time. Breathing and praying and....skipping meetings? Maybe I need to find that goat again. Or another lovely animal that I can hold and not allow to be "got" by the powers that be. I am open to suggestion at this point.

Thanksgiving Service # 8

Tonight was the Community Thanksgiving Service, and it's really not over until I come home and write a blog post about it.  This was my eighth one here in Little Town on the Prairie, and the march of them has measured my years here, metered my progress in folding myself into the life of this community.  The first year, sitting alone in the expanse of the Catholic Church nave wondering if I would ever fit in this place, know anyone, belong.  The second and third years, singing with the community choir, knowing a few people, feeling a little more settled.  By year four I was a lector, year five, I walked with the clergy for the first time.  Years six and seven I was on the planning group.  This year I was again with the clergy and read the Gospel.  It was bittersweet as so many things are...these "lasts." It's an odd thing to know so far in advance that we really are leaving this place. Not exactly when or for where, but to know for pretty sure and certain that by this time next year I will be somewhere else but here.  So many things then are these "last times" that have become part of my life here.

With the way things have been of late, there is a part of me that could pack and go tomorrow.  But there are commitments that must be kept, and I know that we will be here at least through Spring.  So there will be many of these moments, these quiet little goodbyes with their bittersweet edge.  It has been a good ride here and I'm hoping that this bumpy patch now does not portent a bad end.  That would really make me sad.  I have rarely loved a place as much as I have this one.  Nor have I ever been in one physical location where as much emotional transformation has happened to me.  I connect here with much that is good in my life, much that is wonderful and special, and I would like that to be what I take away, not the sad and bitter feelings that I have right now. I am gathering in gratitude for all that has been and trying to be hopeful that this trying time is a short season, passing quickly and forgotten easily.

At our service tonight, the sermon focused on thanking those who have made a difference in our lives.  A local printer donated thank you notes to pass out to the congregation and the preacher asked everyone to take one home, write it out and mail it to someone who has been significant for us.  He encouraged us all to begin the note, Dear _____, "I thank God for you because..." I did take a note and have someone in mind to send it to.  But in addition, I have another thank you note to wtite.....

My Dear RevGal blogger friends,
I thank God for you.  When I found this ring it was at a time in my life when I really needed to know that there were other women out there doing what I do, thinking how I think, wondering about what I wonder about, laughing and crying, praying and struggling and trying to live authentic and faithful lives "in the midst."  You, my blogger friends, have been with me through some of the best and worst stuff I have gone through in my entire life....endings, beginnings....deep pain and great joy... and your  support and common sense and good humor have carried me through it, gotten me over it, and probably more importantly over myself. Meeting some of you on first 2 BEs has been so awesome (especially that first one...oh my...talk about your liminal space) and I am SO looking forward to BE4! So even though I am not blogging as much (or getting around to my blog reading either...sigh...) you are the best and remain in my heart with much gratitude as well as in my prayers.  So blessings and thanks to the  RGBP bloggers in my life.

Maybe....

Well there is no fallout so far.  Maybe because it's before the holiday and follks are kind of distracted.  Or maybe what I said was really outrageous only in my head. Or maybe the person who would be most outraged by my remarks didn't even hear them (despite the fact that she was sitting two feet from me at the time). The latter is what I really think. Which is why I of course I was upset in the first place.  I feel like one of those characters in the Charlie Brown cartoons talking away about whatever is utmost on my mind and it going out into the world as "wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa." That seems to be my impact level, lately.  And it's not just at work in the day job.  It's happening in my church life, too. I seem to be reduced to an insect who buzzes around making noise that at most annoys people but certainly means nothing of significance to them. In my head I think I am saying things that might matter.  But I am met with blank stares and silence...or in the case of e-mails a complete lack of response..like I didn't even send them.  It's a wierd sensation, this verbal invisibility cloak.  I'm trying to just stay in my good Zenish observing mode, not get all caught up in it, take it personally and such.  But there is no sermon yet for Sunday.  There is no work getting done at work beyond seeing the folks and being present to them. I am vastly tired and very glad that tomorrow I can just forget the whole business and eat turkey, weather permitting.

Some Things

Some things you just cannot say on Facebook.  Like "I really need better filters." Especially when it's the middle of the day and one has no business being on Fb any way.  But it's true...I do need them, even though it is the middle of the day.  I need them now and I needed them in the meeting this morning when I did not have them.  I knew I did not have them when I saw the faces of those who have known me for several years as a pleasant and fairly easy going person go round-eyed and white.  I knew I did not have them when I heard the tone of the "Please let me finish..." Oh well. They were gone.  And I said what I said without them. Dies cast. Words fall. Nothing said was untrue.  Not even unkind.  Just unfiltered and perhaps a bit less than judicious. Life will go on.