Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Filter Failure (again)

Well I lost my filters again. Yes it was another meeting.  This time it was my peers and direct supervisor. (Last time I lost it with the Executive Director!) Maybe I should not be allowed to attend meetings.  Or should be required to be muzzled prior. I used to be so good at this "sit quietly and keep your counsel" business. But lately....things just spill out of me. They are true things.  They are honest things.  But they are not always prudent things to say, nor are they always said in the, shall we say...."nice" way. I'm afraid my feelings are pretty apparent...and they are not the "nice feelings" either.  I'm angry, frustrated, agitated and incensed.  I'm tired of people who have never been "in the shoes" saying how it it is and how it must be.  I'm really sick of people with no vision and no sense of mission disrespecting and discounting my education, skills and experience, but even more importantly, the lived experience of the people we are here to serve by micromanaging and setting up silly petty rules that exist only because "the consultant says" they should and only the bottom line counts more than anything else. (Yep, last time I checked I still worked for a non-profit.)

So I am praying for patience and a greater sense of discretion (or a big roll of flesh colored duct tape).  The little numbers in the counter to the right are significant.  The Next Great Adventure cannot begin until this one has run its course.  There is a commitment to be kept and I cannot afford to do anything really egregious.  My work here is not done, either.  There are people with whom things are still to be accomplished in our time remaining. So one day at a time. Breathing and praying and....skipping meetings? Maybe I need to find that goat again. Or another lovely animal that I can hold and not allow to be "got" by the powers that be. I am open to suggestion at this point.


Di said...

I dunno, Kate, it sounds to me like you really need to speak. Working harder to muzzle yourself might not be the best option.

What happens when you pray about it?

Mary Beth said...

I so hear you. Sending love and hugs

Terri said...

I've told myself more than once, and in different situations, that I would not tell the truth as I know it, I would just keep silent - IT REALLY SEEMS EASIER THAT WAY...than being the truth-teller. But then I'm never certain it actually is. Then again, I am paying a very heavy price for the last time I tried to be healthy and the I pray for you that there is a balance that does not come with a heavy price.

Jan said...

To keep from speaking, I pray "Bless (whomever is irritating me), change me." Saved my life with a dreadful teenager 15 years ago and after that.