Advent Words Day 4 Humble

I had my annual one-on-one reflection and goal-setting meeting with the founder and owner or our practice this week. One of the questions on my self-reflection questionnaire asked me to rate my level of humility and vulnerability in the practice group. My response was that it had been a big opportunity for me to do this particular spiritual practice this year. I am new to this place, these people. There is a new computer system for me to learn, new protocols for how to document and bill my patient visits. I moved from a corporate healthcare setting where I was an employee who knew the ropes, the written and unwritten rules, how to act and interact, to a small, integrative healthcare practice that is operated on a collective model. The culture is very different, as are the “rules” and expectations. As in all settings, some of those are stated and obvious and some are more subtle. I joined the practice the same week we moved into our new, larger (and at that time, not-quite-finished) space. The leadership team and my peers were all just a little stretched and tense. There was a LOT going on. And in the midst of this was me, the new kid who did not even know what I did not know, trying to navigate all the newness and feelings of incompetence. I had to ask questions, a lot of questions. I had to ask for help. And I had to ask it of people whom I knew were very busy with a lot of important stuff. To say it was humbling was an understatement.

In the midst of all of this change, I have also had to adjust from being the primary breadwinner in my house while my husband was a full-time student, to being a person who made exactly NO income for several months. I was amazed by the power of my beliefs about my value being related to whether or not I was the one who needed and took from the pot instead of being the one who put in. I was amazed by how vulnerable and humble this felt, not for any good or real reasons, as I was reminded often by my spouse that “we are a team here,” but simply because I had to deal with my value being simply in who I was, not what I did.

So some of my most comfortable and reliable identity markers – that I am productive and independent and competent all were challenged at the same time. It required humility in the sense of truth, neither overvaluing or undervaluing my worth, and vulnerability in being able to admit that I did not know, did not have, could not contribute in the same way that I was used to and comfortable with. In the end, not a bad practice. I am, as we all are, beloved of God. Our value and worth lies in our very being, nothing more, nothing less.