There is something about coming back to the same place for the same event year after year....it seems take me to a place of reminiscing about the whens and wheres of of other times. I was thinking this morning about last Spring's clergy conference. It was right after the BE 1.0 and I was in such transition. Like the BE, it came at a time when I was both wide open to the movement of the Spirit and also terribly vulnerable. And like the BE, it was an event that was balm to my soul, and both fed and nurtured me. I found connection and safety with my clergy peers, many things to think about from the speaker and a profound sense of peace and connection with God. Not bad for a scant three days.
As in so many other ways, I am in a different season this year. Things had been leading up to that conference...life for one thing! And Lent had gone deep. The BE was that whole trip to liminal space. Everything was about change and transformation. It was hard and scary in many ways, but it was also very wonderful and connected me to God in a very profound way. I think that is what I'm struggling with right now...I feel....untethered....I am profoundly happy and deeply in love...some people have accused me of things like "floating" and even being giddy at times. There is nothing I would I would change or trade for this....R is the best thing that has ever happened to me. He is complete gift and blessing and I have no doubt (despite the fact that it makes him squirmy when I say it) that he is totally a God-thing in my life! But there is no doubt that my energies have taken a shift, and I feel a little off-balance as yet. Much of what used to be my focus now feels like a distraction. My gaze used to be an inward one. Now it is not. And I am struggling a bit....oh, not with where to find God in all of this. Clearly God is all over it. It is not God who is missing in action. But I feel a bit like I am....like I have not found a way to be here and present in this way and connected at the same time. Still a work in progress, I guess.
Today we will hear Phyllis Tickle...our day will begin with prayer from her book of hours and then she will speak with us about the emergent church. We have been assured this has been designed more as retreat than business, so I am hopeful that there will be some space to simply be....and so we begin.