On the Eleventh Day of Advent

Random things floating in my brain on this cold Advent morning.....

• Yoga. What a strange thing it is. You move your body and things happen to your heart and your soul and your spirit. Three days running now for no apparent reason, somewhere in the middle of the practice I find I am crying. Effortlessly, unintentionally, soundlessly weeping. It begins as just tears seeping and builds to a point that I have to stop and go to child's pose and let myself simply cry. There are no thoughts with it, no feelings really. Just the tears. And as suddenly as it begins, it is over and I resume my practice.
  

• Relationships are complicated things. They are also apparently very interesting to the Facebook world. Just as sort of a lark, as I was feeling kind of whimsical the other night I changed my status from "single" to "in a relationship." It's not that this is really even technically true at this point. Facebook doesn't have a category for where we really are. Nor do I for that matter, I guess. "Dating" would sort of cover it. Someone said that the "In a Relationship" category is probably akin to dating in the Facebook world. OK, I can go with that. I had no idea I'd get reactions. For one thing, I don't know enough about how the silly thing works and forgot about it going on the feed. Oh well. So I declared it there in fun. And it is fun. And I am happy. And scared. It is way too soon to feel anything for anyone, my rational self thinks. Or it should be. Because I always do and I said this time I wouldn't. And I didn't plan to. But I do. And so what do you do with that? It's that darn head/heart thing again. I know I do not have to act on my feelings. I am finally that wise anyway! The main goal here is nobody gets hurt. And what I've learned is speed kills!

• Blessings. I am showered with them. What I am acutely aware of is how hard it is for me to just be grateful and not feel like I should push them away. This feeling is stronger than I have ever known it to be. Head/heart again. Or maybe not so definite a divide....but some parts of me any rate are very clear that the appropriate response to such fabulous gifts as the call last week from EF, the gift of R, my wonderful friendships, having a secure job despite the falling shoes, loving my whole little life, knowing the love of God, etc. etc......is simply "thank you," and sometimes I am there. But there is this part of me that wants to rise up and say "oh, no I do not deserve...." and feel guilty. I know with my rational self this is silly. I have a whole soapbox I do on guilt for others! It's not like there is only so much good to go around and my getting some does not take away from others. My being blessed does not cause XDO to have problems. I do not have to push away my happiness and sacrifice myself on the pyre to make up for anything going on in any else's life. My head knows this. My heart, as usual is on lag.

As the lovely hymns from Lessons and Carols swirl in my head and I try to get my brain around the beginnings of a sermon for Sunday on a Wednesday Advent morning, that's where I am today.