There is some kind of balance I am trying to find between life in this space and relational life here in my every day world. I'm not there right now. I miss having time to read the blogs of all my "regulars" daily, or almost so, and making connections in comments, but there has been another kind of connection that has been occupying a fair amount of heartspace lately. Apparently it's been very obvious to those closest to me IRL what is going on. Perhaps I am just as transparent in bloglife. I seem to be in love.
This of course was not the plan. As I type this I do believe I hear God giggling somewhere. When things ended with XDO, I fully intended to be single for a very long time. There were some really big things I needed to figure out, some serious life issues I needed to resolve before I even considered dating anyone. So through the Spring and the Summer I relished the solitude. I cleaned and I purged. I claimed my space and myself. And, I admit as Summer began to wane....I fussed a bit...Who, I wondered, would ever be interested in this complicated well-used mid-life priest who came to the party with lots of baggage. I had no idea how to even begin again I wailed, after so very many years. And I said, there was this one person in town....if I could date anyone....but of course what would ever be the chance of that as I was quite sure he had no idea he even knew I lived. And three weeks later (by no connection to the person I said this to) I had an e-mail from this very same person asking if I might be interested in coffee sometime.....and one thing led to another and......
This was not the plan...casual friendship was the plan. Love was not the plan. Perhaps it is time I simply admit that I am not a casual kind of person. There simply is not much in my life that is casual. Pretty much everything I do, I do with a fair amount of intensity and passion. I guess that is just who I am, how I'm wired. It has it's down side for me as well as the people I wear out, but it's who God created me to be and it has its positives as well. R and I are a good match in that respect as he is as laid back as I am intense, grounded and solid and pretty unflappable. These are but a few of his many fine qualities. Oh but don't get me started...we will be here all night!
This still was not the plan. As I watch myself trying so hard to be careful and cautious, to remain aware and wise....I even make myself tired. "Stop thinking so hard, Kate" he says. "You're giving me a headache," C says. "Relax and enjoy the ride," says another friend. Easy for them all. I don't want to mess it up. As if I am in charge! Back to that again....the old belief that life is mine to control. Perhaps they are all right. What if I could just let go and be in love...accept this as the great gift of God's grace that it is and relax and enjoy it? Wouldn't that be something?