Monday, November 16, 2009
The Shoes Are Landing at Last!
Well it did not happen on Friday the thirteenth, but on Monday the sixteenth. And I do not know quite how to feel about it all just yet. Is is a good thing or is it not? Time will be the final judge. What I do know is that as of a few weeks from now those "shoes" that have been hanging from the edge of that shelf in my life, threatening to fall for the last sixteen months will make some sort of landing and It. Will. Be. Resolved. I have been summoned to a meeting. The letter advising me of this, while not exactly friendly in its tone, is fairly non-threatening. It talks of closing and dismissing. These are good words, words I like hearing. It feels like getting on with life. My life, as I think I know it, with little to no major disruptions. And yet, and yet....Life has been disrupted. I have been disrupted at some level. Oh not in the way some people's lives I know have been disrupted in this same timeframe...in irrevocable ways that leave me breathless to even think about. Not with devastating losses of lives or jobs or a sense of self or the world as it was. Not that at ALL! But small wavers in my worldview. I am no longer so sure of my ability to choose the good thing, the right thing for all concerned, no longer so able to trust myself in some areas, and surely not as trusting of some of the systems I interact with. I no longer feel quite so optimistic about the outcomes of things, so sure that if I throw myself in, put myself out there it will all be ok....though now it appears that it will. There were some dicey times, or more accurately some times that felt dicey there for a while. In reality I guess, there was no real danger to me or my little corner of reality. Or at least now I don't really think think there was. I am assuming here that all will actually be well at the end of this, when there is an end to this. Which won't necessarily be right after our little meeting. There will still be fallout, still be stuff. I will still have to, for a period of time after this, say in certain places to certain people, "Yes, I was once accused of being a person who had shoes precariously balanced....shoes that fell on me....shoes that may have hit others....I was not a good minder of my shoes....I did not do as well as perhaps I should have in keeping track of all those shoes, making sure that they were all lined up neatly so they did not touch other shoes, fall off the shelf in a disorderly fashion..." But for the most part I think it will be done. And after over a year of looking up at those teetering shoes, THAT will be something to be thankful for.