Monday, March 16, 2009
Monday....the Third Week
Lent moves on and so do I, not necessarily in any kind of synchronicity, or decently or in order (which given that I am only Episcoterian, perhaps is a forgivable offense). Today has been a hard day. I know that I am a Pollyanna about people, tending to believe the good in them, and that most of the time they mean well and to do good. This works for me most of the time, and often people will rise to the challenge and be who I believe they are. Sometimes, however, it backfires, and people are not who I hope or think they are and I get disillusioned and hurt. That is what happened today, and I am heartsore and weary and sad. It is very hard to be friends with a person with whom one has been more. I'm sure that is true on both sides. And when the one moves on....well a chance to give a little jab....perhaps that is understandable, especially when the other is hurting and life on that side is not going so well. And when there is a long history of an inability to "do anger" in a direct way....well perhaps one can be forgiven if one does a little go around, creates a little drama if given half a chance. It will all pass. It is nothing in the larger scheme. It just comes at a time when there is already too much going on. Too many things in not enough time, a Lent that does not feel like one, a steadily growing impatience with an unresponsive distant body that sits still with a chunk of my future in their hands, the reflexive snap-back from another person who I thought was someone she clearly is not....and I missed it....so thoroughly that it stuns me, people whose needs just keep coming, and whose boundaries I do not seem to be able to set strongly enough. I am grateful for the presence of those who get me. Those who make me laugh at unrelated things and forget myself for awhile. Who encourage me to take time doing nothing of importance, go to bed early, indulge myself as necessary. I am grateful for love in times of trial. For the net that now surrounds me. I need that net tonight and intend to fall into it. It is of God and I am grateful.