Saturday, July 06, 2013

To Cruise or Not to Cruise

I am really not a very decisive person. Ask my husband. Ask my friends. Ask the voice of waver and waffle that wakes me in the night and makes the butterflies in my stomach do the macarena. And in the last few years, there have been WAY too many of those little buggers for this decision-averse person.  Decisions of significance such as "Shall we stay or shall we go?" That one has been asked and answered more than a few times since the big one that brought us across the state from life as we knew it, and has led to other ones like..."keep the job that seemed like fit but after a year is clearly not, or take a chance on something that might be better?" Move house (again) as this town is so clearly not a fit and we seem to be always going somewhere else for pretty much everything of significance?" Yes, no, yes, no....decisions, decisions, decisions! We made them, well some of them, anyway, and they seem to be working out. We are settled in a new place, finding community at church and discovering places and things that "work" for fun and the practical stuff of daily life. The job stuff is still kind of hanging, but I am trying to be patient (which is right up there with "decisive" as "things Kate is not so good at") and see if I can find what is good there, at least for a time.

So, having said all that, I'm looking at my flyer and thinking about a BE. The deadline is approaching FAST. Who knows, maybe it's already too late. I haven't checked, perhaps it's full and this is a moot point. It's a funny thing, me and this cruise.  Ever since the first one, I have yet to sign on early in the game.  Sometimes it's been deliberate, as now, but mostly it's been due to life and its uncertainties making me unsure if I can go. This time, though, it seems to be simply about not being able to decide. The last cruise was hard for me in some ways. I did not enjoy the motion of the ocean! It was a little more than I was comfortable with, and the fact that our cabin window leaked some of those waves right in on my bed didn't ramp up my comfort level much. Not functioning as clergy in any significant fashion also had something to do with my feeling a little meh, too, I think. Being with people who were doing what I often long to, and am pretty sure for all sorts of complicated reasons, don't believe I will be, is hard and sad, and stirs up the grief that most of the time I keep neatly tucked away.

So I haven't sent in my form and my deposit. And I don't have a cabin mate. Some friends are already bunked in with other folks, some are not going this year. A new local clergy friend who is thinking about going would only want a single cabin. So I don't even have the "slumber party factor" as motivation at this point.

It feels sort of weird to be blogging this back-to-back with the "Galship" post about the amazing and wonderful connections of BE 1. But, as all experiences are, that was its own moment, never to come again. And to say I do or don't want to go on the next cruise has less to do with prior experiences than just where I am today in this place in my life personally and professionally. But tick, tick, tick. Must. Decide. And I HATE making decisions! 

7 comments:

Martha Spong said...

No worries. You still have time! The first deadline is the 15th, and we still have some wiggle room.

jill said...

Maybe think about your goals. What would you hope to get out of going?

Terri said...

I never go, way to certain that I would have motion-sickness...or be drowsy from the meds to prevent. Not my thing, although I love the idea of the wide open sea. I am also not so certain I want to be stuck on a boat. I'd rather go to a retreat center where I can walk and pray and have quiet-time than on a party boat.

Also, I totally understand how painful it might be to NOT be doing that which you are clearly called to do, to be priest in a parish. And, how hard it would be to (might be) to be on the cruise with others who are completely, for better or for worse, enmeshed in ministry....love to you as you ponder this...

revdrkate said...

Thanks Terri, you captured it well.

Sandy said...

I'm still on the fence too (and don't have a roommate!) If you decide you want to go and room together, let me know!

RevDrKate said...

Thanks, Sandy! Been reading your blog and it sounds like we would have fun. I'll keep you posted.

Teri said...

I would love to see you again, so selfishly I hope you decide to come. But I can definitely see your dilemma! I'll be praying for clarity.