I am feeling very mellow tonight. This is really nothing short of a miracle when you consider that I start teaching tomorrow and I am not perfectly ready, my materials are not perfectly prepared. I don't know. Maybe it was the half hour in the hot tub watching the striated clouds play peek-a-boo with the stars in the dusky sky. Maybe it was the two fingers of Chivas reverently sipped. The Chivas gifted to me by someone "just because I appreciate you and all you do." Maybe it is because I am, for once, listening to my own sermons and letting God be God.
Oh, it's not as if the Critical Voices didn't want to Start a Little Something. All day I could feel it sitting just south of my heart, threatening to rise. The panic, the last minute meltdown, the "I can't do this, what was I thinking, I will fail and look a fool oh woe is me" rant that accompanies any endeavor of note in my life. I thank them for their concern. It is concern. In their misbegotten and misguided way, my Critics truly believe they need to protect me from these wild forays into the world I keep insisting on. "It's not safe out there, you might get hurt." My poor Mother. For it is her voice they channel in my mind. She was afraid for me in the world. Her baby, girl born late, last chance to mother, she would keep me safe. She could not understand that it is a fine line between protection and smothering. I have teetered on that line most of my life, fearful of many things. But in the last few years there is a counterpoint to her voice in my head. "Be not afraid, it is your Father's good pleasure to bring you the kingdom." "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you." "I came that you might have life and have it more abundantly." "Surely it is God who saves me, I will trust in Him and not be afraid." More and more I am able to invite the Critical Voices to hush, comforted by God's word and presence.
And God does speak to me in many ways. I ran into a retired professor today at the coffee shop. He left me with these words of wisdom about my class. "If you have fun with it they will, too." Amen Professor, I think that will preach!