To Strive Not To.....

I never wanted to get to the point where my only posts were the Friday Fives. Not that there is anything wrong with that in and of itself, but for a long time my blog was my main creative outlet. There was a time there when I was pretty prolific and rarely had a thought that didn't lead to a post of some sort. Now I find that my main writing energy is going into sermons that I mostly don't think are worth posting, and "five things" each week on Friday, I can't help but wonder if my creative juices, at least in the writing department, are running a little low.

Or maybe it's just that balance thing again. The inner life and the outer life and getting them in sync seems to be a particular challenge for me. I have certainly never been happier and more surely and certainly content with life as a whole than I am right now. Marriage and life with R agrees with me! Some other aspects are a bit challenging (there is always something, right?) like work issues and the irklings that come and go just in the living of life with other people whereever we encounter them (yes, church, too....imagine!) But as I have shared with C on more than one occassion....I seem to struggle with how to have a decent spiritual life in times of goodness and joy. God tends to seem more present to me in times of struggle and difficulty. I rely more, turn more....remember more who and whose I am when I am floundering and falling than when I am coasting along in joy or even in neutral.

I was actually thinking about this on Sunday as I sat in my little red kayak for the first time. As in all things I had pushed and struggled to "get it" immediately, expecting that I should get in that boat, pick up those paddles and row myself perfectly out into the water. Umm, yeah....And after the laughter (good-natured of course) stopped, and my companions R and Soul Sister C pointed out 1) the numerous errors of my paddling ways and 2) my "frowny face," I was able to stop and relax a bit and see that I was er....maybe expecting a little bit much of myself for the first time ever doing this. So I stopped struggling so hard to be the perfect kayaker..... played around a little, got the hang of it just a little bit, and found myself at one point out in the middle of the pond, just drifting. It was quite lovely. And when I was ready to go back in, it was a little easier to take myself and my boat in the general direction I wanted to go...without quite so much effort, without quite so much struggle....I did not need to sufffer or strive to kayak...who knew!

I am by nature a striver. It is where I go first....in paddling, in life and with God. The hard way seems to be the way I know how to do it. Something in me still resists ease. Resists even joy? That is hard to admit, though I think it might be true. I think there is some small part of me that still believes that there is some virtue in suffering and struggle, though my post-modern, liberal self scoffs loudly at this notion. I have gone round in this little circle of my own making far too many times to count. And its getting old. I know that God rejoices in my happiness....is in fact the creator of it. Maybe love will teach me....or the small red kayak, or perhaps God in God's time and patience will get through. Or perhaps I will surrender. Miracles happen all the time! There is, at least in the meantime, a blog post.

Friday Five: Hot Fun in the Summertime?

Songbird says: "It's possible I may have a bad attitude about the arrival of summer. On the eve of the Solstice I left for a mission trip to a town in Maine bordering Quebec. Beset by a swarm of bloodthirsty black flies, and a "classic allergic reaction" according to the PA at the Urgent Care, I had to return the next morning to a week of Benadryl and ice packs. (If only I had known about Bug Band *before*...)But I don't want that to ruin summer for the rest of you. So I invite you to share five things you love--or don't--about summer. The tone is up to you!"

Ooooh poor Songbird! That's terrible...BAD flies.
First of all I have to say I LOVE summer!!! There are way more than five things, but I will try to contain my enthusiasm!

1. It's HOT! That might be kind of self-evident you say? Well remember, we are blogging from the great North here....and really, it's not always that way (even, to be entirely honest in summer). But I love it the most when it is. Hot and steamy is my weather. I know...people think I am strange, but it energizes me when the temps and the humidities are hovering a-waaay up there.

2. SUN and LIGHT. Again....something we don't always have in large quantities. Add that to the heat and the steam and I am just the happiest lil ol camper! I love the light lingering on into the evening so we can play longer....walking, biking or just reading on the porch swing without turning on the lamp. It's all good.

3. I feel freer in the summer than I do in the winter. Maybe it's the fact that there are far fewer layers of clothing required to keep me from freezing. Or that I don't seem to worry so much about setting out for somewhere....I don't have to think about sliding off the road or having to find my way through a blizzard or a white-out. But at any rate, I have a much greater spirit of adventure and willingness to go and do...even new things that push my edge. We are getting kayaks this weekend...and I am excited about learning to paddle that little boat! For a girl who really likes looking at water more than being on and in it.....this is a stretch....but a good one!

4. One of the things I have come to really cherish about small town life is the community celebrations. Band concerts in the park, the annual summer community theatre musical, July 4th parades and fireworks, summer festivals in our town and the little towns around us....the community shows up and plays together and we are kind of at our best. At the band concert the other night a group of little kids in great variety were dancing to the community orchestra. Laughing and jumping and falling down and rolling around in a joyous little puppy pile of all sizes and types and colors....it was so wonderful to watch them....just a little bit of summer heaven.

5. Food. Summer food....fresh veggies straight from the garden, ripe fruit from the farmer's market, grilly things, R's potato salad (which I love second only to my dear late mother's), and of course....ice cream! And everything seems to taste better when you eat it outside.

My only "complaint" about summer would be its brevity. It's just way too short and moves too fast. So, as an antidote, I am trying to stay in the moment and savor each beautiful day.

Friday Five: Running Late

Jan says: "As I opened up my computer this morning, I directly went to my blog and RevGals to see what the newest Friday Five would be! Nothing was here, which seemed odd. Then I went to look at the calendar and counted the Fridays, and it is the THIRD Friday! How did that happen so quickly? It's my turn, so here's a quickie:"

1. Do you tend to be a late person or one who is timely, arriving on time or earlier? I have always been a pretty "on-time" person, usually arriving just before or at the appointed time. This has all changed since I started hanging out with my now husband, also known as "the early guy." I got a hint of his stance on the time thing when he arrived for our second date when I was barely out of the shower. At that time I thought maybe it was just because he was so eager to see me. But I soon found that this is a life long pattern. My beloved wants to be early for everything. And thus it is, and we are.

2. Have you forgotten anything of importance lately? If I have, I can't remember it !

3. Is procrastination your inclination? Why or why not? Only for big and overwhelming projects. Then I have to do a certain amount to build the requisite tension. It's almost like my little ritual. Wait....wait...wait...ok, I'm tense enough now that I can have my (also required) meltdown about how it's all too much and I can't do it and it will never get done....and then I settle in and produce. Yep all very predicable. I figured this out in grad school to the point that I actually scheduled the meltdown on the project timeline! It has to do with anxiety over my ability to do it "well enough" which gradually I am chipping away at in the dance with the inner critics.

4. Do you like schedules or spontaneity? Which works best for you? Looking at #3...it appears that I am a bit of scheduler..."Friday, 10:00-10:15-meltdown" Yeah.....not too spontaneous. But on the other hand, since R came along, I'm getting more playful and that does involve some ability to just let schedules fly sometimes...so again, both/and.

5. How do you stay on track with the various things you need to, people you must meet, etc., etc.? I used to have a big paper planner book, now I have a phone calendar. The line is "if it's not in the phone, it doesn't happen." And the great advantage of the phone over the paper, besides the fact that it's a lot smaller to tote around....it has an ALARM!

BONUS: Whatever comes to mind about forgetfulness or lateness. It really does irritate me when people just don't show up for stuff or are really late for no good reason, especially when they are chronic about it. There are some people in my life who have this issue and I find I am kind of chronically ornery with them about it. It feels disrespectful and uncaring and like they just don't give a rat's patoot about me or whom or whatever we are all engaged in together. And I don't want to hear their dreary excuses. The rest of us managed to get up, on the bus, in the car, through the traffic, whatever.....get over it! There....got that off my chest...thanks for listening.

Friday Five: Workout Edition

Mompriest Says: "Recently I started an assertive exercise regime thanks to my daughter who convinced me to join her gym. Truth be told I've been pretty good at working out most of my life. Usually these workouts include walking my dogs, bike riding, swimming, or a yoga DVD. I thought I was in good shape. That is until I started using the machines and taking classes at the gym with people half my age.During this same time frame I have spent several nights a week watching hockey. As the oldest child with three younger brothers I grew up with hockey. Then it was played outside on rough ice and in freezing temperatures. Now I have been captivated by the Chicago Blackhawks and their quest for the Stanley Cup. Wednesday night I sat through a nail-biting game that culminated in the win Chicago's been waiting for. Also going on this week is the NBA playoff and the World Cup Soccer games in South Africa. Lots of sports to distract us from the problems of the day.As if that weren't enough I am recultivating my practice of silent prayer and meditation. This has been a long practice of mine but one that sometimes goes by the wayside of life's distractions. Sadly though I have also just moved far away from my Spiritual Director and will have to try and find a new one in the future.There have also been occasions in my life when I have seen a therapist to help me work out one or more issues in my life. Sometimes these sessions have required more grueling intense internal work than any physical workout I've done. For this Friday Five let's ponder the various ways we work out (or not), physically, spiritually, and/or psychologically."
1. Do you work out physically, spiritually, or psychologically? (I'll let you define what that might mean to you) I have to equivocate on all of them, I fear. The first is the most inconsistent of all, though. I really don't like exercise, especially in its pure form. I have had gym memberships, Y memberships, CURVES memberships and the same thing happens....I start strong and soon and very soon, I am not going. Same thing with home exercise equipment...bikes, treadmills, balls...soon in the corner gathering dust and clothing. I will walk...if someone takes me (even if that someone has four legs and a tail). And I will exercise if it's disguised as play, like a walk through even less than tame terrain disguised as geocaching. But I keep falling for the idea of exercise all the same. Just last night as I was sitting in the hair salon I saw a new "toning and tightening" routine for those trouble spots. in a magazine..."Just 15 minutes three times a week, and...." Well I have that magazine on my shopping list.

And I keep promising myself to get back to my morning yoga practice. For almost TWO YEARS....every single morning....then it stopped, and I just can't seem to get there again. That one is physical, spiritual and emotional. In general, the spiritual & psychological workouts come and go with more or less intensity at various points in time. Right now I seem to be in cruise mode with both. And I'm ok with that. R and I are playing a lot, having fun together....hey we're newly weds, why not! But my church schedule is heating up come August and I have a feeling my spiritual "workouts" will have to keep pace. Who knows maybe my physical and emotional ones will too, just to have enough energy for seven Sundays running and a day job!

2. Are you more inclined to join a gym, or a book club? Right now, neither. I am not in "joining" mode. I go through phases where I really don't want my life scheduled and I'm in one. Unfortunately, my life doesn't seem to be cooperating.

3. Are you more inclined to read self-help books like Gail Sheehy's "Passages" or spiritual books like Richard Rohr or Theresa of Avila? And if so, what is your favorite? I tend to the spiritual. If I'm going to read something psychological it better be pretty good, I'm kind of a snob that way. Spiritual folks.....Parker Palmer, Richard Foster, and do like Rohr and Theresa too.

4. Are you a loyal fan of a sports team? Or do you join the bandwagon when the local team is winning? And, if so, which one? Living in MN almost have to have some Viking and Twins loyalty, but I'm far from rabid. Would like to get up to see the Twins play outside yet this summer. But watching games on TV confuses me and tends to result in nappage.

5. Or do you lean more toward having a favorite theologian/Spiritual writer or self help author and if so, who? And, why. Spiritual. Self-helpers sometimes can be a bit self-promoting...."do my method and be a better person...." and it is often trendy and superficial. The other side....time-tested!

Bonus: What was the last play-off series you watched and did your team win? Ummmm....I think I watched the Superbowl back in the 90's sometime when the Vikings played. I don't remember, but the commercials were fun. Yep. I'm a BIG sports fan!

Patience and persistence- Friday Five...

Sally says: "As I write this I can see out over our newly set up veggie plot from my study window. When Tim and I moved here in August last year he set to work clearing the ground, this spring I began planting seeds indoors and out, and now the beds are full of leaf and promise. We have harvested some spinach and lettuce, but still have to wait for the main crops....Patience is something that sometimes comes easy and sometimes doesn't, in the case of the garden it is easy, I can see the growth and know that waiting will produce good results. With other things patience is more difficult....Along with looking forward to eating our own veggies, we are also looking forward to seeing four of our children graduate with Bachelors degrees this year, they have worked hard over the three years and stuck at it through some difficult stuff. It would have been easy for them to give up, but they haven't..." With all that in mind I offer you this Friday Five:


1. Is patience a virtue you possess? If it is then does it come naturally, if not how do you/ did you work at it? Sometimes and sometimes not! I'd say I am more patient when it comes to people than to things. I have been waiting on changes with some of my clients for a very long time now, understanding that hurt and fear stands in the way and makes it hard for them to take even the smallest steps sometimes. But if my necklace chain tangles I have about one minute for that and I am DONE! My patience has been getting mightily tried this week as I have been attempting to get our wedding picture CD to cooperate. Technology is another thing I have NO patience for. I want it to work and work NOW! There are over seven hundred pics on a DVD and apparently this is way tooooo many as the programs I've tried keep telling me...to album, to organize, to file, to upload, to print....what's a bride (without a lot of patience) to do! So I just keep trying to be more patient....talking to myself and breathing. Humor helps, as does my sweet R who tells me to take breaks and "just take em all to the store and print 'em...what the heck!"

2. Being patient with ourselves can be a huge challenge, we are often our own worst critics; is there anything you need to be patient with yourself with at the moment? Well...see #1. Yes there is always something...my inner critics have some notoriety on my blog. My biggest self-criticism/lack of patience with myself of late is my lack of self-discipline in a whole host of areas. But then playtime has also increased dramatically (and that does require patience too when it involves geocaching) so maybe it's a wash.

3. Are you the kind of person who can/ will persist with a difficult task? How much of this is personality related? Yes. Despite what I said above about the people vs things business. I can and will do what needs to be done. Looking at the folks I know and thinking about some conversations I've had of late....I think this is pretty much part of us....whether by nature or nurture or tightly knit combo. I don't think it's something that changes much about us once we are much into our lives.

4. Can you spot when persistence turns into pig-headed-ness, or do you never get there? Oh I get there....I get there. Just ask anyone who knows me, they will be glad to tell you this.

5. Post a song or a poem that chills you out and helps you to re-group, re-focus and carry on?
This was somewhere on the net during Lent and I posted it on my computer to use for my morning meditation....I like it....it stayed and I still find myself going there to remember.....

Let Your God Love You
by Edwinna Gateley
Be still.
Alone.
Empty
Before your God.
Say nothing.
Ask nothing.
Be silent.
Be still.
Let your God look upon you.
That is all.
God knows.
God understands.
God loves youWith an enormous love,
And only wants
To look upon you
With that love.
Quiet.Still.Be.
Let your God—
Love you.

Bonus, a picture or a photo that speaks to you of patience or persistence....It was a long time coming......

Friday Five: I Would Put My Hand in the Fire for That

Mary Beth says: "There is a German expression: ich würde die Hand dafür ins Feuer legen, which means: “I would put my hand in the fire for that.” I learned it many years ago, while reading the Best Reference Letter Ever: written by a very distinguished linguistics professor for a student who went on to win a prestigious international scholarship. This student, he said, was destined for greatness; and he submitted his judgment with the certainty of the expression above.I’ve always held the concept as a very important indicator in my mind. “Would I put my hand in the fire for that?” I sometimes think, and it helps me to make a decision or see a situation more clearly. It’s similar to “is this the battlefield I want to die on?”These days (certainly as every day) there seems to be so much difficulty, wrong, pain, injustice, and mismanagement in our world, and I need a little revitalization. Often when I feel this way, I’ll write a list of things for which I’m grateful, but that’s certainly been done, and I need a bit of a stronger draught.So, what are five things for which would you put your hand in the fire? Things / people / causes in which you believe passionately and completely? This might be demonstrated in that you would take extraordinary (for you) action…donations, marching, writing letters…or merely in the way you live your life. You may give as much or as little detail as you wish."

1) Family. Starting with R and extending out to his people which are also now mine. This is a new and wonderful thing for me to belong in this way to a group of people who take this bond seriously. Even as the newest "outlaw" in the bunch I know without a moment's hesitation that I would indeed put my hand in the fire for him and his and that it would be 100% reciprocal.

2) I am trying to leave a smaller footprint. I don't know how passionate that sounds, but it is a steady, daily commitment. Trying to be conscious of my impact on the environment and walking more gently on the earth by recycling and reusing and being generally more conscious about the impact of my choices.

3) Communication. Spoken, written...whatever it is. I work hard at trying to be honest and transparent and clear. At not using words to manipulate or as weapons. I try to teach others to do the same.

4) My Spiritual Life. I have always been passionate about God. I would put my hand in the fire for God and my need for that relationship. Sometimes in my life that passion went off in some interesting directions. Sometimes the passion, like in any long relationship, had to be reawakened and revitalized (on my part of course...I'm pretty sure God's is more steady and unwavering). But in the end God/the relationship is always there and I could not live without.

5) Participating in Healing. I couldn't think of exactly the right word/phrase for this one....but I am passionate (at least most of the time) about being able to participate in this amazing thing that goes on for people as they discover their capacity to heal and recover from whatever they are struggling with when they come to therapy. To be able to offer them skills and tools and to be able to be there with them as they discover how to use them....well it's pretty darn amazing, and I'd stick my hand in any fire for the privilege of doing so.

Back to the Regular World...or Re-Entry Again

If I were accused of being a tad whiny about being back it could be true. If it might be thought that I felt a little put upon by this week's schedule of work and meetings and sermon prep, that also could surely be true. If anyone asked if I'd rather still be on vacation...definitely true! This is one of those weeks that has a tad too much in it even if it were not the first week back. But, none the less, I am being very efficient about it all, getting it read, watched, written, attended, laundered, stowed, picked up, ordered, and generally attended to. And it's making me tired and more than a little long-ish for the slower days of "what shall we do next" that went by all too quickly.

But at some level it is good to be home again. I'm "in the process" (no not that one, thanks be). This one is the name change process. Once again I'm asking myself what we did before the Internet. I found this absolutely wonderful little website that is walking me through, step by step everything I need to do. It has checklists and letters and forms and tells you where to go to find the other forms, like the one for social security and the one to order a new passport. Many, many many people need to know that I added a hypen and a name, it seems.

We are also beginning the wonderfully large and lovely task of thanking people. The generosity of family and friends was truly fabulous and we are aware of how blessed we are by them. It will be fun to revisit the cards and think again about each of them as we write our thank you notes.

But for tonight it's off to New Testament class. Our ministry team is growing and with new people in formation comes coursework again for all. Even review is good, because hearing things for a second time I hear things I missed the first! So off we go to discuss the the context of Jesus' time, ancient Judaism and the NT's authors....who, what and why. This time last week....I was eating Mexican in Houston with sunburnt feet. Time does fly.

Countered Out

I guess maybe it's time to say goodbye to my little wedding counter on the blog. It's been with me so long, it's kind of hard to imagine going to the blog and not seeing it there, but it really has outlived it's purpose. It isn't even accurate of course, because now it would have to start counting the other way.... up the scale in days after the wedding. And well, I think I have plenty of other things going on that I really don't need to do that.

The wedding was really a day worth counting down to, though, through all those three hundred and sixty some odd days. Everything was just as I had hoped it would be. Beautiful liturgy, lovely music, a great party, love laughter and celebration abounding. Even the weather was absolutely gorgeous. R looked so handsome in his Prince Charlie kilt get-up, our bagpiper played so splendidly and made us cry with Amazing Grace. My friend C's sermon was spot-on. R had arranged for us to have a carriage ride around town and then be delivered to the dance. It was so amazing. As the horses clopping and bells announced them, people would come out to see and call out congratulations to us. It was so sweet. The dance was a lot of fun, too. My feet wore out, but I loved watching R dance with his sisters and boogie out into the night. We are both feeling the effects of a little too much dance floor activity today (oops we are not as young as we think we are!) but it was worth every minute!

Today we opened gifts with friends, ran errands and got ourselves packed and ready for the Big Texas Roadtrip. Departure is tomorrow at 0600. We are looking forward to seeing Jimmy Buffett and ALSO RevGals along the way.

Life is good so far as Revdrkate H-K. I'm finding being married to this man very much to my liking, as I was quite sure I would after all the time we spent thinking about it and planning for it. Great adventures lie ahead...and the first begins tomorrow!

Three....

Yes, as my Facebook friend says, it is a Trinitiarian number. It's also a very small one. For which I am feeling grateful. And excited. I have been told I am not the world's most patient person. I don't always wait well. Well....I have been waiting, it seems ,for a veeerrrrrrryyy long time for May 15, 2010. And it's almost HERE. Other than excited, though, I am really calm. Not freaking out, not anxious, not worried. Just happy and oh yes, did I mention....excited?

I think everything is done, here, ready....whatever. R's groom's wear arrived. The folks had forgotten to ship it. Had a feeling when it had not appeared as a charge by Friday on our account. So he called them and "ooops!" So yesterday, there it was....and I did get to see a sneak preview via phone pics when he tried it on. OMG! He is gonna knock me over on Saturday! He is so handsome. Of course he just grins and says, "yeah, I can clean up ok."

I saw the Soul Sister's jackets for their dresses last night too. A local seamstress made them and each is unique to the woman. The sisters are all also going to be really gorgeous and are getting really excited. I'm so looking forward to our little slumber party shower. It's been tough since A moved away and we have had to talk with her each week by phone and computer....better than nothing but not like being together for real. Their friendship and being part of this has made it so much fun. From the beginning, it really has been like having sisters to share the process.

I really am submerged in gratitude right now. R is the best guy anyone could ever hope for. And I have the greatest friends anyone could imagine. Those who are very close here, and those who extend out IRL and virtually as well. I just feel very, very blessed by all of it.

Wedding Minus Six and Counting

I hope this doesn't sound irreverent, but I kind of feel like I do sometimes at the beginning of Holy Week. Lots happening, lots of things to plan for and do and be there for all week long, all culminating in a Big Day at the end with even more things to plan for, more things happening. It feels busy, a little overwhelming, but in the end you know it will all be wonderful and turn out just as it needs to.

Yesterday I kept hearing this little ticker in my head...."This time next week...." And this morning as we sat together at worship I realized that the next time we are in church for a service it will be to be married.

This has been an amazing week. We started out last Monday about $700 short of what we needed to make our budget for the wedding. To say that this was stressing me out would be an understatement. But I really tried to stop acting out of "functional atheism" and trust God, grace and abundance, and just put out there the idea that we have all we need and that it would be ok...somehow. And wouldn't you know, all week, money that has been owed to the two of us from various places has just been "coincidentally" arriving in the nick of time, and as of yesterday, we were within $20 of our goal!

So all is ready and all is well. The gifts for my attendants are wrapped, the little surprise favors that I have for everyone at the dinner are ready. My two totes for the church and the reception hall decorating are all packed. R and I have our "to-do" "to-call" and last minute "to-fetch" lists for the week. The Soul Sister attendants are psyched for our shower and slumber party Thursday and trip to the nail salon Friday. I finally found cute comfortable shoes! One pair for the ceremony that I think I can last an hour in, and a more "sensible" pair for the rest of the day.

The biggest challenge for this week is going to be to stay with each day as it comes and to be focused at work as much as possible. There are little helps along the way. Monday a yoga class, Tuesday a massage, so maybe I can stay a little bit calm. It will be, as one of my friends says, what it will be. And I'm here and counting.

Losing Time Fast

Time is moving along at a very FAST pace! I just got home yesterday from clergy conference. It is much more a tribute to the quality of the conference than anything about me that I was able to be present there at all with any quality of attention. Especially considering that up until sometime late Saturday afternoon I thought that the conference started on TUESDAY! It didn't. It started Monday, as it always does. But for some reason, earlier on the dates had been published as May 4-6, and those had been put in my head and my planner, those had been the dates requested off work, scheduled with clients...yeah, the whole nine yards. Saturday afternoon, I finally got my room confirmation telling me my room would be waiting at the retreat center on May 3.....May WHAT?!?!? Omigish......Well that set a whole flurry of stuff in motion! Fortunately, the conference does start later in the day, so I was able to go into work early Monday morning, get most the clients rescheduled to Thursday and get on the road. But it got my week off to kind of a wild and crazy start. I just told our receptionist to blame it on addled wedding brain. She just laughed at me. Yeah. There's a lot of that going around. The addled brain and the laughing.

The conference really was good though. Lots of reconnecting with folks, learning and reflecting, chances for moments of prayer and singing together. Tuesday we did Public Narrative. I'd been asked to give one as an example, then to be a "coach" as folks worked on theirs through exercises during the day in small groups. That was all good. Kept me focused and busy. Tuesday night I went to a small group talking about "Doing Small Well" talking about church starts that basically require nothing more than "two or three gathering" for the sake of the Gospel in a hurting a world. Hmmmmm...... Wednesday we had some work on what we might look like if we left the world of church as we know it behind and truly concentrated on God's mission. It too was good and thought provoking. We then had one of the simplest and most beautiful bare-bones Episcopal liturgies I have ever experienced led by our new Bishop. We are very blessed by him. He brought to conference Ana Hernandez, who did things like this with us
There was more like this....and singing bowls, and chanting with an instrument called a shrooti (or shruti) box, and praying with a drum. So it was very, very good....to go and be with folks and feel actually relaxed and present, and centered and focused. And sadly, to also realize how frenetic my prayer life usually is. I feel like lately I sort of "drop in" on God for a quick chat. Perfunctory visits in the midst of twenty other things that are getting done in a day. Being there made me miss my daily yoga practice, made me long again to sit meditation. Made me wonder again what did ever happen to that particular lovely little morning discipline. Well I know what happened. One day I just woke up and didn't do it. Or the next day, or the next. And then it was gone. And some how starting again has felt like too much. So I haven't. But with that practice went some other good things that I am missing and really would like to have back in my life. So I am setting an intention that post-wedding, post-Texas....I really am going to get that space reclaimed both in my physical and emotional world and get back to the quiet and the mat every morning.

But in the meantime....nine days. Really it's a week. Because it all starts on Thursday. Soul Sister A arrives from The South, we have the shower and our bridesmaid slumber party....and it all rolls on from there. My biggest stressor right now is the budget. I keep waking up in the night remembering all the things we forgot to put in the budget....my last hair appointment, the food for the rehearsal dinner for heaven's sake! We are running a tight ship here, and I tend to want to panic over these little things. But I am trying to get myself to go to abundance, and to remember to "breathe in, breathe out....move on." In my heart I know all really will be well. I just need something to stress about and this works as well as anything, I guess. At least I am not worrying about anything important....like the marriage! About that there are NO worries. This is only money, and it'll all be ok in the end, I'm sure.

So back to work today. Trying to focus on the tasks at hand. Paperwork needs to be done and folks to be seen. Meetings keep happening. So off we go.

Friday Five: Friendship

Kathrynzj says: "I spent the better part of last week on a continuing education cruise with a group of revgals. Both the class on hospitality and the connections made with friends (old and new) were phenomenal. I always have a difficult time with re-entry into reality from times away but this, aided by getting nailed with strep throat, has been more difficult than usual. Not only does it a take a few days (weeks? months?) for it to stop feeling like I am on a boat, but my heart misses my friends.In parish life the boundaries are clear and they are there for a reason, but it can make the life of a minister a lonely one. It is such a tremendous gift to spend a few days with women who not only are wonderful and gifted, but who also get exactly what you do and why you do it. The hugs are genuine and free and the laughter is awesome.Many of us have friendships - past and present - with these same qualities. And so today we will celebrate Friday with friendship:"

1) Do you remember your first best friend? What did you do together? Are they still in your life?My first "BFF(s) were a group of girls I connected with in eighth grade. Before that I was pretty much a loner, and teaming up with Dodie, Mare and Shorty (yes, we had nicknames, I was Jinx...who knows!?!) was a wonderful thing. I remember the blue mohair sweaters we all bought at J.C. Penney and wore with our uniform skirts, getting together at one another's houses after school to play games and gab, and just hanging out. We banded together initially because the cool girls wouldn't have us as part of their gang....but then we discovered that we actually did like each other. The three of them went off to the same high school and I veered off to "the Viz" and we lost touch. Maybe I should Facebook them!

2) Did you ever have to move away or have your best friend move away from you? Not until this year. Close friend Soul Sister A moved to South Carolina. But she's coming for the wedding and we are having a slumber party! Woo-hoo!

3) Are there people in your life now that you can call 'friend'? Thanks be, there are. In ways I would not have begun to comprehend at an earlier age. Richer, deeper, surer. And my best friend? I'm going to marry him.

4) What are some of your favorite things to do with your friends? Talk. Talk. Oh, and then there's talk.

5) What is a gift friendship has given you? Oh so many.... But the best one? To begin to see myself reflected in a different way in the eyes of those who loved me.... kinder, softer...than I would ever have seen myself with all those old critical voices I used to carry, opening the possibility for the first time that I could let them go, find the authentic me that lived within. I owe that to friendship and love. That's a great great gift. Along with acceptance and laughter and unconditional love and great hugs and secret code words....and way, way too many things to even mention.

Tell Me Your Story....

I actually have something to think about that has taken my mind off the wedding, and what's been even more consuming, the getting of the last details together for that trip to Texas for a little bit. Who knew that was even possible at this point! But it's true. My clergy friend D with whom I had all the great Millennium Development Goal adventures in "my year of living Di" as I like to think of it now, has been in touch recently. Seems our new Bishop has asked her to do some teaching on Public Narrative at our clergy conference next week. And she is turn is calling upon some of us who have involved with her in this process in our parish MDG projects to help "demo" by giving our own public narratives, being coached and then coaching others in small groups. "Oh, would you, Kate?" she asks...and of course, I said yes. Well what I said was (with some tongue in cheek) "it's not enough that I'm coming to clergy conference the week before the wedding, now I have to work too!"


So I have been working on my public narrative....which is basically a story in three parts, and goes something like this....
Part I Story of Self: I am calling you (my audience) to this challenge because of this about me....
Part II Story of Us: We have faced and overcome this similar challenge in this way.....
Part III Story of Now: NOW is the urgent moment we need to act on this challenge because....
And the best part....it all happens in six minutes!


So as part of my prep for this, I've been going back through some of the things I wrote during that year...and remembering. That was quite the time. There is no doubt that we did good work. We raised significant money for our project, which was important all by itself. But beyond that, I think for a time there I believed that we were going to transform something in a BIG way....the church, our parish, our individual selves maybe..... And while perhaps that did not happen quite the way I envisioned it, I think we did do some transformative work. The process changed me. I claimed myself as a writer because I participated in this. And I knew myself to be part of something larger in a new way. And I know it changed others, too. One of my congregants who participated as part of our team foun his own voice as a result of telling his story. Another, sad to say, found a well of anger in herself and decided to walk away from us. But that too is a part of growth and transformation. The fire burns both ways sometimes as it transforms us. It was quite a time as times of change are. Heady and wild, deep and full of the Spirit running among us. I remember at the training we had with the folks from the Kennedy Center. As we were drawing our diagrams and doing our brainstorming we declared so confidently that we were setting out to "DO the Gospel." And for a little time there, it seemed that we did. Missional church, right here, right now, burning among us. The fires have banked a bit, and I'm feeling a bit of sad nostalgia for those hotter times right now. As ever, balance is so challenging. But who knows, maybe telling the storis again will bring something back to life again. Stories often do. Isn't that after all, why we tell them?

There's a ONE in Front of THAT NUMBER!

WE ARE IN THE TEENS!

I have condensed all the small lists into one major one. There is really not much left on it. And that is a good thing...because we are in the home stretch here. We have pretty much done all we can and have to do until we are at the big day itself, or at least much closer. It is really too soon to get the food for the groom's dinner or haul home the extra tables and chairs. We can't decorate anything, dress anyone, cook anything. In short, right now, there is really nothing I can be in control of. And it's making me a little crazy. Just ask R.

It's all out there. The caterer, the DJ, the flower and cake people, the piper and the vocalists, the organist and clergy, the folks who are shipping R's wedding wear....all completely independent actors in this little play called "Kate and Rick's Wedding," and all capable of making choices that could change the day. Note I am sane enough still to say "change" the day and not big and awfulizing words like "destroy" or "ruin." The only person with enough power to do that is me. And for sure and certain I would not....and NOT over any of the people or things listed!

The thing is....we have the important things covered. R, me a license and clergy. Clergy? Oh my yes....and then some! For starters, we are being married by three of them...my two team members, CT and M, with able assist from my spiritual friend and guide C who will preach. Also available in case of some unimaginable clergy wipe-out, however....my attendant CMR is an ordained lay pastor, my one of my vocalists is also a lay pastor ( though I'm not sure if she has the power to wed), and there will be at least one Episcopal priest in the pews. And I'm sure there will be a witness or two present, as despite my earlier rant, there have been a few RSVP's in the affirmative. So we will be married. Affirming before God and all assembled what WE already know to be true....he's mine, I'm his. It's forever. Amen. And the rest is party.

It's just the planning for that party that has me kind of wound up. Wanting all the pieces to come together just right. And I keep thinking of things to add little touches of fun and surprise. But I think we really are there. I have my two totes packed, one for the church and one for the reception site, both brimful of those "little touches." There are still some ribbons to add and bows to tie, gifts to wrap for my "maids" as the bridal shop keeps calling them. I find myself running through the whole thing in my head trying to think of what I may have missed.

But in the end...it will all be what it will be. And it will be wonderful, I know. As my sweet and wise beloved keeps reminding me..."Breathe in, breathe, out...move on." Yes, dear.

Friday Five: What is There to Smile About?

Jan says: "With the end of RevGalBlogPals' third annual Big Event, I am wondering who went and what it was like. There must be a lot of smiling from the Big Event! Hopefully, the rest of us are not frowning either.So let us know how your past week was for you. Write five different aspects of the weekOR answer the following questions:"

1. When were you smiling lately? When my sweet guy came to pick me up at the shower my workmates threw bearing the beautiful flowers pictured above! He is such a keeper!

2. What happened unexpectedly to you this past week? I got an e-mail from a friend asking about "details and directions" for the wedding. It reminded me that I forgot to invite her and her sweetie. OOPS!

3. How was a catastrophe averted (or not)? See # 2. Invitation sent pronto!

4. What was the most delicious thing you ate? Jambalaya. Made by R from recipe in a cookbook my friend CMR brought him back from the Bayou (slightly modified for midwestern ingredients). YUM!

5. Did you see any good movies or read any books or articles? No, but I went to two really fascinating workshops on neurobiology, and how meditation and mindfullness actually changes our brains.

Sweet Events

As my sweetheart told me last night, "you have really nice friends." Yep, that I do. Coworkers, to be exact. Threw me a really lovely shower they did. We met at one of the local hotels, had drinks and dinner. There were little boxes of chocolates and nuts, decorations and cake, as you see. And presents....lots and lots of lovely presents. Gift certificates for pedicures and massages, a couple nice bottles of wine, some very nice little things for me to wear....of the black and slinky persuasion! There were cookie sheets and Tupperware, gift cards and wine glasses, a beautiful picture frame and an album for the wedding pics. All just very thoughtful and wonderful gifts.
And thanks to the very wonderful organizer, there were no silly games! She had talked to me beforehand about that and told me her thoughts on that....about which I was in total agreement. We had a drawing at the end for the violets that she used as centerpieces. I drew the names. That worked!

I picked up the service bulletins yesterday. They look really nice. One more thing off the list. And now the first social event has happened. We really are picking up steam here. OK....focus....back to work. Still have three weeks to go. Must. Be. Productive.

I Has Jitters

I seem to be sort of useless today. Having a hard time settling in to do the things I need to get done. I wonder if it has anything to do with the tick, tick, tick in my head....Twenty-four days. Or three weeks and two days....or 566 hours, 32 minutes and some seconds as the little counter on the blog tells me. I had an e-mail on Sunday night from a friend asking about "details and directions" for the wedding. All well and good, you say, except for one thing...I realized that I had forgotten to invite them! So now my brain has gone off on that little tangent. Who else, I wonder, have I forgotten? Or for that matter, what? Something...vital or not....that I was supposed to remember to do, get, take care of.....My lists are my friends. But in order for lists to be effective things have to be ON the lists.

Pet peeve of the day....people who don't RSVP. Is that something unique to this part of the world, or are people just universally not good about this? My invitations were, I thought very clever, with a little tear off post-card part for the rsvp....complete, or course with the stamp. All very simple. I have not heard a word from twenty people, yea or nay. So do I assume no news is a no and they are NOT coming? Obviously not, because I know for a fact that some of them really are! I told R that in my shrewier moments I feel like those who have not responded should have to stand and watch the others eat...but he, kind soul that he is, says, "no honey...we will just order extra, and assume more are coming than have responded." A couple people told me they "accidentally" threw out the response card but they are coming. Sigh. Oh well. At least I know.

My other meh for the day....the cleaner DID shrink my dress....not a lot, just a tich. It is silk and they washed not dry cleaned it. And now it hangs just a little different, pulls just a little er....snugger in a couple places. So I am trying to eat less and walk more and hope that by the 15th it will feel as lovely as it did before. The good news is that they did get the tiny coffee stain out. I am trying not to obsess about this. It is not the end of the world.

On the happy news front, our new cabinet has arrived and that and the new dishwasher are being installed this week. The cabinet is beautiful and it classes the heck out of the kitchen. The fact that we were getting it created motivation for new light fixtures which in turn caused ceiling patching and painting which triggered wall touch-ups....so the kitchen will be its best self ever very soon.

My workmates are throwing me a shower tonight. The last one of these I went to involved lots of er....interesting lingerie type items. I'm not sure if that is what they have in mind for me or not. But I appreciate the thought and I'm sure we will have fun.

I guess getting back to work , and at least trying to focus on the task at hand would be a good thing. I have a feeling this could be a portent of the next few weeks and my productivity level.....

Pack Your Bags Friday Five

Songbird says: "I'm preparing to pack my bags for the Big Event Three, and as I gather what I need I'm thinking about just that: what do I *need* to take with me? As a person who likes to pack light, I worry that in the end I may underpack and wish I had other things with me. I own the gigantor version of the bag to the right, but my morbid fear of having it go astray and not get to the ship means I'm more likely to try to pack it all in a carry-on bag instead, especially since I have a very tight connection on the way to the cruise. But won't I be sorry if I don't bring _______________?"

1) Some fold, some roll and some simply fling into the bag. What's your technique for packing clothes? As in most things, I have an eclectic style....a little rolling, a little folding, and when it gets down to the wire, I have been known to fling a thing or two. I like to do the roll things into things so they don't wrinkle, and also tuck the little stuff into shoes and other spots. Actually I think I am usually a pretty good packer. I lay everything out that I plan to take and then subtract half of it...and often still end up with more than I need! For our own Big Event, the upcoming honeymoon road trip to Texas, R and I have decided to keep it light so I'm challenging myself to see if I can pack almost as small as he does. I say almost because this is a man who could, I think tour the world for a month with all his belongings in a small paper lunch sack! So there will be much rolling, folding and tucking and NO flinging, as I attempt to pack a wee bag to tuck into the boot of Gladys the Cooper. Really though, what does one need for riding in a car, sitting on a beach in Galveston and hanging with 1) RevGals and, 2)Jimmy Buffett? Comfy clothes, a swimsuit and cute sandals, I'm thinkin!

2) The tight regulations about carrying liquids on planes makes packing complicated. What might we find in your quart-size bag? Ever lose a liquid that was too big? Oh those regs rankle! My first BE found me getting sent back to the check in counter to check my luggage as an alternative to losing a whole bunch of bottles as I hadn't flown in a while and had no idea there even were rules about 3 oz. bottles in baggies. The lovely people unpacked my entire carry-on right there in front of God and everyone and gave me the "option" of losing all my contact solution, lotions, shampoo and such, or "go check the bag." So, after repacking (no nearly so neatly as the first time...much flinging...) off I went! Had the best time once there, too....and if it weren't for this other l'il thing going on, I'd be there with all y'all this time!

3) What's something you can't imagine leaving at home? Contacts and their solution. Glasses fulltime on vacay...not an option! Everything else I can pretty much get...but I'm fussy about my "soak."

4) Do you have a bag with wheels? Never leave home without one unless I'm going on a very short hop with minimal stuff. Wonder how we ever traveled before them!

5) What's your favorite reading material for a non-driving trip (plane, train, bus, ship)? I am still a nervous flyer and have some problems concentrating, so anything I read has to either be pretty "fluffy" or very absorbing. I usually go with magazines on airplanes, or else pick a popular novel that I have already started so that I can easily sink into it once we are in flight. On the BE, there were WAY too many other interesting things going on to do any reading (like talk to RevGals and get tats!), and I don't have the opportunity to travel by bus or train these days.

Friday Five: On the Road Again

Sophia says: "My family is heading out to my husband's parents for the weekend later today. They would have preferred that we come at Easter, but I preferred that my choir director not bring my life to an early end! (Five liturgies to sing between Thursday and Sunday, two with major solos). So Low Sunday it is. Some Gals and Pals may have been able to travel to join family or visit a vacation spot last week; some who had to stay put then may be traveling this weekend; and, if I recall correctly, some lucky ones are heading out to the Big Event next weekend. Hence: a road trip Friday Five"

1. When was your last, or will be your next, out of town travel?

Last: Last weekend when I did "skip Easter" and we went to R's sister's house for the Holiday and I got to have a different kind of Easter worship experience which I posted about on the blog a couple days ago.

Next: Our own "Big Event" honeymoon road trip to Texas! can't wait to see me some Rev Gals, as well as go to that Jimmy Buffett concert, of course! And have some beachy time and soak up some HOT which I have been craving during this long cold Northern Winter.

2. Long car trips: love or loathe? Since the arrival of the splendid R and his cute little mini Cooper "Gladys" I have to say I have fallen in love....oh yeah, with road trips, too. It is one our favorite things to do together, near or far. Just jump in Gladys, open up the sun roof and Wheeeeeee.....off we go!!!!!

3. Do you prefer to be driver or passenger? I used to have to drive. It was all about that need to control, I think. Now, not so much. I can share...sit back and relax and see the sights, or take my turn at the wheeeeeeeel...er wheel as needed.

4. If passenger, would you rather pass the time with handwork, conversing, reading, listening to music, or ??? I can't read in the car....headache of major proportions. When it's R and I, we can never seem to run out of things to talk about. But we also like to sing along to the radio. Loud! I can knit and crochet....and talk and/or sing at the same time, so do those together. When traveling alone, I LOVE LOVE LOVE books on CD to pass the trip, especially since I seem to go back and forth and back and forth to the same places all the time and need to break the monotony.

5. Are you going, or have you ever gone, on a RevGals BE? Happiest memories of the former, and/or most anticipated pleasures of the latter? Oh, sigh...yes. This will be the first one I am missing, and if it were not for my own BIG BE on May 15th, I'd be cruising with all y'all with bells on! The first one especially was liminal, transformational and soooo amazing. The combination of where I was in my my own life, the "away-ness" of it all, the fact that I simply decided at kind of the last minute to go, there was space....it was all such a God thing. The second one was lovely as well. My best memories of that time were the night singing out under the stars and the moments spent in conversations.

6. Bonus: a favorite piece of road trip music....ANYTHING Jimmy Buffet sings is good for me...he will be singing us down through Tulsa, DFW, Houston and on to Galveston in May. He even gets to sing our first dance music at the wedding....

Yipes!

I signed on here this morning and looked at the little "how many days is it..." counter and realized there is a 3 as the first number. Oh. My. Goodness. Butterflies doing a little dance in my stomach. It must be excitement, because it can't be nervousness. Everything is done and ready. We went and registered for the license yesterday. In five days we can pick it up. The nice lady told us in our state they do not mail them because "if they get lost in the mail, well, it's not good." Yeah, I can well imagine! In filling out the form I was asked to fill in the "bride's name after marriage" and found myself writing my new hyphenated moniker for the first time. While we were waiting for the clerk to input our data into the computer R and I were making a list of all the changes that one hyphen will affect. New driver's license, new passport, new professional licensure....on and on. He asked me if I was sure it was worth it, to go through all this to add his name to mine. Because this is my thing, not his. He has no need of this. But for some reason it is important to me. Maybe because this came so late to me....this first and only marriage, the public aspects of it are important. And frankly, let's face it, because inside this strong feminist woman, beats a romantic traditional heart . There is a part of me that wants the world to know that I am publicly, legally and forever linked to RK. I am his and that is that. He likes to remind me that names and ceremonies are not the stuff that creates this bond, and I know this...truly I do. But I also know that ritual and symbol matter, too. Will we be more committed to one another on May 15 after the ceremony than we already are? Of course not! But having said that, I would not forego publicly celebrating that commitment, either.

So, right now, we are planning the largest party I have ever thrown. And yes, I am a little nervous, a lot excited, in those proportions. There was once a time when I literally could not entertain. Even small events would throw me into such a tizz that it was simply not worth the anguish. What if no-one came? What if it was a disaster? What if? What if? What if? That very anxious and insecure me still lurks, though I am able to soothe her most days. There is no doubt that people are coming and a good time will be had on this one! My lurking doubts on this one are things like catering and dj no-shows....but I am assured that even though the contractual arrangements are a bit more casual than my "big-city" past would find comfort in, all will be well and people will show and deliver at the appointed time. And if not....well, we can call out for pizza, and R has enough music in his iPod that we could dock it in a speaker set up and dance for days. We have two priests and a Presby minister on tap for the ceremony and enough guests have already said yes that I'm sure there will be a witness here somewhere. I am quite sure the two of us will appear....all the essentials are in place.It's all good. The dancing butterflies are excitement...not nerves.