Hope and a Future

I feel like there is a lot of chaos in my life right now. I have italicized that word feel because I know full well that this is all pretty much perception on my part. In reality there is very little that is chaotic or out of order. The upsetting things that are going on around me are a) not of my doing, b) not in my control, and c) probably not really all that important to anyone outside of a very small sphere. My head knows this full and well. My heart and spirit are having a harder time catching up. I know the antidote is to focus on other things, that where my focus is my heart will follow. I know that if I continue to ruminate on this gossip I simply give it and those who are propagating it power. But it's like the proverbial hole in the tooth. As soon as I am not productively occupied with other things....

Yesterday I was certainly productively occupied. And that made it a good day overall, if a bit stacked and circling at times. Tuesday is one of my consulting days at CH, so it always feels like a "two-job day" anyway by the time I go to the mental health center in the morning, see clients, do the required documentation, talk to my colleagues and return phone calls. Then by noon I'm out of there and running home to pick up Maggie, who goes with me to work at CH as "therapy dog." We spend our afternoon there doing a variety of things, seeing clients, consulting with staff, writing reports, attending meetings. Then it is off to Soul Sisters Bible study. Maggie also attends that, being the contemplative dog she is. Last night Soul Sister S dropped her off at home for me as I had to go on to book club by 6:30. We were having a sort of abbreviated meeting where we were trying to decide whether or not to take a summer break as we seem to be floundering a bit with membership right now. We made some decisions, and by 8:00 I was off to pick up L for Baptism prep. We talked until about 9:30 and after I took him back to CH, I went to the store for cat food and some other necessities, then home to pack for my overnight to the Big City for the COM meeting on Thursday. After getting myself packed, organized and ready for bed, I collapsed with the computer to check e-mails and such, only to find the COM meeting had been cancelled! ARGGH!

OK, so on the one hand, not spending $40 for a tank of gas is a good thing. And I'm not all that fond of that six hour round trip drive. But there are those compensating factors of going to the Big City. I was going to stay overnight with my friend J who's got her own "stuff" goin' on right now, and that would have been nice. And I was having coffee after the meeting with another friend whom I don't get to see in the flesh often enough. And there is the matter of having taken the day off at the day job. It's too short on turn around time to schedule clients and reschedule my group to make it a productive day, so there is no point in going to work tomorrow. So I'll take the day off anyway. Which is not a bad thing, I can always find things to do. But I am not exactly rolling in vacation days, so I'm thinking if/when this COM meeting does get rescheduled I'm not likely to be able to attend, which is not such a good thing. And there is that matter of the "unscheduled time" which scares me a little right now. The idle mind you know....the empty place does not tend to be a good thing. But it is what it is, and I want to be mindful and intentional about focus. Remembering gratitude, thinking about all the gifts that truly are present in this time of change and transition. not focusing on the negative (perhaps as others would have me do ?) but on the good things that are coming my way, on the possibilities that are opening up that I don't even know about yet. There is a plan, there is a bigger picture. Once again my eye is captured by the little blue plaque that C gave me for ordination that hangs on my bulletin board at work with the Jeremiah quote that was the theme for my service (and that has been my constant life preserver in all kinds of stormy seas) "For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future." Amen to that!