Tuesday, August 05, 2008

In Darkness

I hardly knew him when he walked into the visitors room. He looked older already since Saturday. And harder somehow. And when he spoke, I knew he was coming from a dark and distant place in himself. It is not a part of him I have seen often, even in the jail. It scares and saddens me beyond words to see him this way. Some of it is the wall he must hide behind to survive in that place. And some of it is bravado, I think. A push-pull, a dare. "Will you keep coming if I act in this way.....you won't....will you....but oh, please do." I told him every way I knew how that I, that his community, that his God, were not going to abandon him, no matter what! He said a lot of things that were so heart-breaking, so painful to hear him say. Things I know that live within him but that I believe are not his deepest and most authentic self. He told me a voice in his head tells him "Not even God can save you now." He thinks that might be true. I truly believe there is a battle going on in and for that boy's soul.

He has ninety days to serve. But he says there is some other charge out there from "before" that may add some time. He says he doesn't care. He says he won't go back to CH or any other program. He wants his own place and to make it in the world his own way. We did agree that maybe he would consider staying with someone temporarily when he gets out "to get on your feet." "But NO PROGRAMS!" he says. Ok, L, no programs, we won't die in that ditch today. One day at a time, I told him. One day at a time.

10 comments:

Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

Bless you and strengthen you for this struggle with him. And God bless him and give him messages to counteract the lies in his head.

Mary Beth said...

Praying with you.

Would it be helpful for me (us?) to send cards for you to take to him? is that allowed?

I'd like to let him know he is held in prayer...nothing elaborate...just a hallmark card every now and then...

how could that work? Please email me at marybeth AT unt DOT edu if you think it could....

loves to you, mb

DogBlogger said...

(o)

ElastiGirl said...

good job of choosing your battles and ditches... prayers continue for you both

Gannet Girl said...

I have seen that face and heard those words. I'm not sure that love can be any more difficult.

Tell me about cards, too. gannetgirlatsbcglobaldotnet.

Rev SS said...

So very sad and scary. I'd like to be in on the cards too. revssathomeataol dot com

Diane said...

praying for you and for L.

mompriest said...

I'm not sure what the "systen" will allow, but it seems card might be a cool thing for him - total strangers continue to care for him - no matter what. Yeah, gee...sorry L, no matter how much you try to sabbatoge yourself "we" still love you? (OK...I wouldn't actually "SAY" that....)

Also...I know I am a "borderline pollyanna" - my hope for people is so strong, so optimistic...and I know that often people cannot live into "my" hopes...but I also think we have to lay out our hopes and see what and where people can live into them...occasionally we are surprised. L may not be the one who surprises...but some one will be - of that I am sure. Many prayers for you and L and the "system"...

God_Guurrlll said...

Oh, revdrkate, my heart goes out to both of you.

Prayers ascending.

peace and love,

Kate said...

I'd like to send him a card too...email me at geffroi@gmail.com pls?

And he and you are both in my prayers.

The Other Kate