So somehow it got to be Tuesday night. School has started over at the University. And I am not there, thanks be. I'm remembering back to a year ago this time when I was dealing with my student who pushed all my buttons, and all the initial suffering but eventual learning that experience brought me. And two years ago the absolute insanity of teaching, working my day job and getting ready for my ordination. When I look back at all of that, I really don't know how I did it. I was operating on pure adrenaline for a good part of the time. So busy running from some things I really did not want to deal with that it actually fueled me in some strange way.
There are some important things that have changed over time other than my speed and my schedule. As I think back, my relationships were far less deep and satisfying back then than they are now. I held people at arm's length and did not often let myself depend on them or be vulnerable. It was important to me to be pretty invincible and strong. Or at least to appear so, because of course that pesky voice in my head kept telling me that there was no one who really wanted to be there for me anyway because I simply just was not all that loveable or worth their time. I thank God daily that the liberation from that has endured and I am truly, it seems free from the perp rap that held me in that iron grip for so long. I am discovering the liberation of trusting others, the joy of relying on the kindness of those who love me. It's taught me a lot about myself and about other people. And it's taught me about God.
I don't know how I lived at that pace. There is still not enough time to do all the things I want to do. I told R last week in the park about the cello I bought five years ago with all good intentions of learning to play. Every year since has been "the year of the cello." Well perhaps it will happen next year. Or maybe it will be the the year I will brush up on my Spanish, or write more poetry, or read more books, or spend more time getting my house projects done. Or not. Maybe it will simply be the year that I will spend time with my friends, or myself, or God. Not doing. Just being. Or some of all of it. Both/and! I know whatever goes on or doesn't, this is so much saner and I am so much happier.