Yesterday will linger in my mind for awhile as a strange kind of bittersweet day. It would have been our anniversary. Number thirteen. I'd been feeling kind of sad all day, so after work I decided to just call and see how XDO was doing. Sad as well. So we decided to be sad together and have dinner. We ended up having a nice time, remembering the good times, vacations we've taken, fun times together. We talked about mutual friends and concerns we share about them. After a break so I could walk Maggie and Chibi, my guest dog for the week, we convened at the hot tub in my back yard for a soak for old times sake. We shared a glass of wine and wished that the sky were not overcast so we might have seen the meteor shower. Yes we are rural enough that we can in my own back yard! We talked about how we met. I had thought of XDO as a support person for my then partner...but as we crashed and burned, it became clear it was I who was being supported. And gradually a friendship seemed to become more. In retrospect (how clear it is!) I think that that I perhaps mistook gratitude for something more and rushed into commitment when I should have waited for the smoke to clear and my heart to right itself. I think I started to know some things a very long time ago in this relationship that I did not want to know and, yes, even refused to know. Because I had made promises and I was determined to keep them, I stayed a very long time, and may have even longer had XDO not moved out. I am grateful that XDO was the one who finally made the break, even though it supposedly was I who made it untenable for us to be together.
It's been interesting times. A few weeks ago XDO asked me in some frustration, "Is this breakup even a little bit hard for you?" I responded as honestly and gently as I could. Yes it's been hard. Horribly sometimes. I have been lonely. I am sometimes totally terrified. But I am also finding some peace in not struggling to work out something that has not been working for a very long time. To my relief XDO seemed to hear and get that. We are making progress I think in moving toward something....a new normal maybe. Of course there is no knowledge of coffee dates and such, that would be, I think, TMI at this point...and I am hoping the rumor mill is not at full tilt with RDK sightings.
So there was some laughter and some tears as we raised our glasses and toasted each other on our first "un-iversary."