And the Fourth.....

It's another gray one, blustery....portents of things to come. It's lighter now in the morning, of course, since the time change. But somehow that doesn't seem to make it any easier to get up and out on these chilly mornings when the bed seems like my best friend...and always at its most comfortable just after the alarm goes off.

L was sentenced yesterday. Finally he knows his future, or at least the immediate part of it. I was not able to be there, but I had an e-mail from his PD who tells me that the judge did grant the motion for a downward departure and did not send him to prison. She gave him a 180 day jail sentence, which means, with good time, he would get out of jail on or about December 10th. He is still in the local jail and will be serving the remaining days there until his release, which means it will be easier for me and his other support folks to get to see him. So that is a gratitude today. As I said to his sponsor...kind of good news/bad news....more jail time at all is bad news to L at this point, but good news that it is not more, and also a bit good news that we have time to help him put a plan in place for "what next." In truth had he gotten out yesterday he would have been homeless....again....without a plan. Not a good thing. And this time the CH program is no longer there to catch him, his girlfriend D is a 150 miles away and other options all have their complications. So this is a blessing in its way. We can help him think through how to best set things up, talk to D, see if we can figure out how to help get him to her, which seems to be the best thing at this point.

His isn't the only life I'm observing these days in which things are working themselves out. it seems to be going around. But it's hard to trust sometimes that letting go and letting things be could possibly be an effective strategy. Some of us seem to think that we need to manage things to a fairly high degree to maintain our safety in the world. I've already worn out my label maker in an attempt to create order in at least some spheres of my life! But I'm starting to realize that there are some things that are more important than pristine counters and tidy spaces, and that perhaps house that looks a little "lived-in" is evidence of the life and love therein.

So today's gratitude is for things working out. In L's life, in the lives of others around me, in my own....so many blessings large and small, so many things that fall into place, happen in the better way. Sometimes we notice, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we don't even think it is better at the time. It's that trust thing....and it takes me back again and again to "my" Jeremiah verse: "For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future." Jer 29:11

And on the third day....

It is Tuesday....a little overcast, more than a little chilly....November. I am waiting for a subpoena to arrive that may or may not result in my spending the afternoon in court. The attorney called yesterday to let me know I may be called. She is not my client's attorney but represents someone who is fighting with him about things that are very painful for him. I tried to explain that going to court and saying the things that I would have to say there might not be the best for my therapeutic relationship with him. My sense was that she didn't care so much. And I guess that it's her job....to care more for her client than for mine....to fight for her client's "side" in the courtroom...just as I advocate for the mental health of mine, and the chance that we might get to still work together towards that. I hope if I have to testify he understands that I am not a volunteer.

Gratitude....yep, some days it's a stretch. To be grateful that I do not find myself in some of the life predicaments of others seems, to say the least....a bit unfeeling...and yet, to be perfectly honest....I am. "There but for the grace of God," I do think sometimes. The mistakes, the missteps that get people in some of the most horrible messes....they are sometimes really not that egregious.... but rather simply thoughtless, human. A lapse in judgement, a loss of awareness, a start down the wrong path....and one thing leads to another. And it seems that some people start out in the wrong spot before they ever begin. I am constantly amazed by the vast amounts of simple things that people don't know, don't understand. Not facts necessarily, but knowledge and understanding about the way people function, cope and manage the "how to's" of life at some pretty basic levels. So I'm grateful that while I didn't have the greatest of beginnings, I got the basics. And for whatever reason, I was fortunate enough to have people and events come into my life to provide the advanced course when I was ready. And while I make my share and more of mistakes, blunder along and mess things up along the way in the usual ways, I think I can safely predict at this point that I won't be doing any jail time, having any OFPs against me, or seeing my name in the paper for a DUI or a disorderly conduct charge. Perhaps it's a strange thing to be grateful for, but that's where my head is today.

Just a little update....and a gratitude: I don't have to testify....they settled! Thanks be to God for people who can find it in their hearts to do whatever they did...compromise, forgive, let go. We all need to do that a little bit somehow, somewhere, everyday. A good reminder....for them it was a big thing, in my life usually it's little bits and pieces....but I'm just as attached to them. My prayer for today is to help me to be grateful for all that I have been given and at the same time to hold it all very lightly, remembering how truly little there is that is really worth fighting over.

November....Already!

Already we are a day into it. My "excuse" for yesterday was being on the the road. Though I did have my laptop it was one of those kind of here and there days. The ultimate destination was home after a weekend away, but there were things to do along the way that were just as important....the journey was as important as the destination.

This was a momentous weekend. Our Diocese met in annual convention. Once again, the church and the Spirit at work. We met for two days, Friday to do our "regular" convention work of budgets and resolutions, and then Saturday we focused solely on the election, which we accomplished after five votes on Saturday afternoon. We laughed and prayed and sang and cried together. For all those who gathered, for those who were considered as candidates, for our new Bishop Brian Prior, for our Bishop who will retire, and for his staff....so many feelings running high and deep....it was exciting, emotional, exhausting and enlightening. As always, we were so who we are as the people of God....human and fallible, yet wonderful and dear. I get irritated and frustrated with my church sometimes, yet I do love her in all her messiness. When we gather, there is always this something....this palpable sense for me that we are more than simply a group of folks hanging out together...despite our differences, despite our sometimes down and out wrangling about stuff (yes we do that too!)...when it comes right down to it....there is more to us than us....we are the body....the one body and here and now in this place....God is with us.

It was momentous in other ways, too. Intersections and conversations. Reflections and thoughts. Bumping into and up against things we know and think we know about others. Finding unexpected hurt and tender places and also unexpected courage in the face of them. And in this too, we seek and find the love of God as we find we are bigger than we can be alone.

So the intention for this month of Thanksgiving is more posts...gratitude the focus, giving thanks for life as I find it in my little corner of the world.

Today I am thankful for those who take risks in the name of love. Those who put themselves out there....whether it's in a big way....like allowing your name to be put forth as a candidate for Bishop of a Diocese...risking losing....or being chosen! Or in a smaller but just as important way....like opening yourself to let someone into your heart again, when to do so in the past has meant sure and certain pain. The world is a better place because you make these choices to love and I am grateful. S0 risk on.

Friday Five: Our Favorite Music

"Songbird Says: When I was a very little girl growing up in Virginia, I never missed a Sunday going to Court Street Baptist Church. But there was something else that made Sundays special, and that was "Davey and Goliath." Every week the opening strains of the theme song would find me lying on the floor, chin on hands, looking up expectantly to watch the adventures of a clay boy and his big dog.What I didn't realize was who wrote that music, the hymn "A Mighty Fortress is Our God."

It was the same Martin Luther who said:"I have no use for cranks who despise music, because it is a gift of God. Music drives away the Devil and makes people gay; they forget thereby all wrath, unchastity, arrogance, and the like. Next after theology, I give to music the highest place and the greatest honor." On this Friday before Reformation Sunday, let's talk about music. Share with us five pieces of music that draw you closer to the Divine, that elevate your mood or take you to your happy place. They might be sung or instrumental, ancient or modern, sacred or popular...whatever touches you.Some of us even love hymns. (Well, I do.)"

FIVE???? Oh surely you jest! Five artists maybe! Nope, can't even do that. Five kinds, five genres, maybe. Music has always been the backdrop of my life, the soundtrack. Varying with time and place from Catholic hymns to Wiccan circle drumming and pretty much everything in between. But just for the sake of "the five" a few that pop into my head this morning......

• Gounod's Ave Maria. Family legend says it was playing on the hospital sound system as mom was wheeled into the delivery room and again as she was going back into her room after I was born, and again as we left the hospital. We played it at her funeral. It was sung (in Latin of course) at my ordination and will make another appearance next Spring at the wedding.
• Handel's Messiah. Not just the Alleluia, fabulous though it be, but some of the little and less heard oratorios just make me weep with the sheer beauty of it all.
• Hymns. Oh my yes...where do I begin? How Can I Keep from Singing, Be Thou my Vision, Taste and See, Amazing Grace, It is Well with my Soul, and a hundred more that come to me to offer comfort in my brain's little soundtrack on dark and stormy nights, during scary drives, when I can't find my center, when there are no words because the feeling is too big for them....well, you know.
• Gregorian chant sung well by monks.
• The music of my life....Chicago, Queen, Three Dog Night, the Beatles, Simon and Garfunkel, Neal Diamond...and lately of course Mr. Jimmy Buffet....anything he sings can make me cheer right up, especially if heard in the company of a cute sweet guy while tooling down the highway in a red mini-cooper!

Just Thinkin'

Well, the "so what" showed up and the sermon got done. The hymns are picked and the bulletin is all neat and tidy and ready to be run. Now if I can continue to ward off whatever bug seems to be wanting to brew up in me....Sunday is good to go. I like being ready for Sunday on Thursday. In this new rhythm of my life, long Saturdays of sermon writing and service prepping just don't do it for me anymore. It doesn't seem to take me nearly as long to write sermons as it once did. I think some of that is experience, just developing an approach to the whole business of sermon-craft that works for me. And I also think that some of that business of spending all my time writing and doing "stuff" for church was clearly other things. That whole overfunctioning business that occupied the first part of my ordained life. It was at least in part driven by my need to be the perfect little priest, which all came before God's graduate courses in post-ordination formation that have finally convinced me that a) I can't be and, b) even if I could, there is no point because God is fine with me as the beloved flawed human priest God called me to be.

It was also driven by a need to fill time and not deal with things, and what better way to be busy! Between my day job, my church life, and oh, yes, teaching when we threw that into the mix, I could just run forever and never have to stop and listen to my heart and my spirit. Except of course that it didn't work. Because it never does. Really. Not beyond a certain point. Beyond a certain point, all it did was leave me frazzled, strung out and exhausted, never mind so far from my center that I wouldn't have recognized her if I tripped over her! At any rate, I am truly truly happy that the Energizer Bunny has gone into retirement.

It was also driven by a little bit of arrogance. "I am soooo busy because I am sooooo important in the scheme of things, don't you know." Every time I "confessed" that I had no idea what the current popular TV shows were because I "simply did not have time to watch them," I have to admit, I felt a little frission of what I must admit was pride. I had to find my self-esteem somewhere, and that seemed like as good a place as any, I guess! There's that functional atheism thing again! It seems to crop up in many guises. I needed people to see me as important somewhere because I did not see myself that way. It's, as they say in the Twelve Step world a character defect...and a long-standing one, this inability to see my true self. I seem to have an internal fun house mirror that pops up and distorts me in my own eyes (and its equivalent in an audio speaker for the critical voices). But the mirror grows dimmer and the volume on the speaker quieter these days. And it leaves me free to hang out on the couch with my sweetie and revel in a good episode of House or even Two and a Half Men for no other reason than it's fun and I LIKE it. Whew! Even now I can hear a little critic screaming in there...."YOU DID WHAT!?!?!" But...it is what it is....and yes, I am doing less these days. But I think I'm doing it with more integrity, authenticity and certainly with more joy. That tight little spring in my center unwinds a little more all the time....and nobody cares, and for this, yes, I am grateful.

Ramblin' Thoughts

This month is getting away from me. Someone said to me last night, "October is always such a crazy month for you, isn't it?" And yes, it's true, bracketed on one end by clergy conference and the other end by Diocesan Convention, and usually with some other travel thrown in, either for work or church, October seems to be my peripatetic month.

I am supposed to be writing a sermon right now. It's "some" done. The groundwork is laid, the bones are there...but I'm sitting with the "so what" part. I've noticed since we have been doing Gospel Based Discipleship in conjunction with everything, that my sermons have unconsciously begun to fall into the pattern of ending with the last GBD question, "what is it are we being called to DO as a result of hearing this Gospel" or the so what question....so that's where I am right now. And its not that I don't have some thoughts. It's just putting some language on it, good language, fresh language. So I'm procrastinating. If I were home I'd clean closets or straighten drawers. At work...I blog! I've been enjoying this journey through Mark, Jesus' lessons on discipleship. I've been preaching about every other week, enough to feel like I have kind of a series going that I can hang together, one on the other. That's the good part...themes develop, things can repeat and build. The downside of course is that repetition can get to be simply that if it is not used creatively....so I'm trying to walk that line.

Speaking of repetition....it's raining again. Egads! Good news? It's not snow. But it's cold and gray and it's already starting to feel sort of endlessly that season. I'm thinking about doing gratitude posts in November again. I was at a couple workshops last week, one on the brain and one on forgiveness. They were as different as could be...the first all science and brain scans, the second very spiritual and holistic (my two "me's"), but they both pointed to some similar truths. We go where we point ourselves. Our thoughts are powerful things and they change us. The scan guy showed evidence that they actually physically do that! Just as much as the food we eat, the toxins we are exposed to, the amount of exercise we get....what we say to ourselves and others about our daily experiences affects the amount of blood that moves in our brains, which impacts how the synapses fire, the chemistry works and essentially how everything happens, including perhaps how long and certainly how well we live. The other workshop operationalized a way to "do forgiveness." I was the test subject for the afternoon's demo. I worked through an issue with my brother. I have needed to forgive him since 1992 for some pretty big stuff. Was it a miracle? Am I done? No, of course not! But, there is a little a chink of light that was not there before...and as some of us who were also at the other workshop said after the demo...."I bet there is more blood flow in Kate's brain right now!" So I'm thinking about gratitude posts in November. I do remember the last time....that wonderful month of NaBloPoMo on gratitude. I'm not thinking daily....necessarily....but maybe....who knows. I certainly have thirty things to be thankful for! And I need to write more and be more intentional about reflection in my life, as that has slipped a bit. It could happen.

But for today....it's back to that sermon for a half hour or so as the day begins and we will see if "so what?" takes shape.

Fall Falls

It's hard to believe October is almost half over. Not of course if I look outside....out there it almost looks like it might be November that's passing. The trees have dropped many of their leaves, some without even bothering to change from green, and they wave bare branches against the chilly gray sky. The "s-word" is being mentioned again in the forecast for tomorrow. That would be our third snow already this month. My farmer friends tell me "it's gonna be a long one" and R has ordered a whole pallet of salt for the mall lot. He says he feels it in his bones too. And after fifteen years of managing his mall, his bones know what they know. We scrambled this weekend to get some things done, cleaning the garage to make room for the car, hauling some things to the thrift store, picking the last of the tomatoes before the frost. This morning I brought out the winter clothing bins from the other closet. I can only make layering my summer clothes go so far. It's time for the heavy stuff...and today was a turtleneck day!

Fall is always kind of a strange bittersweet time for me. It feels like a time of new beginnings, probably because I've spent almost half my life starting school every fall! But it's clearly also the end of things...the ease of warm, warm days which I love, fresh produce from my garden, long long days full of light. And out here on the prairie, it's the end of a kind of simplicity of plans. Because from now until spring, everything we do becomes weather-dependent at a more significant level. And for me, winter driving chicken that I am, plans to travel any distance can be scotched at a moment's notice at the mere hint of an ice storm or impending blizzard. The weather channel, NOAA, and the driving conditions sites on my computer get frequent visits, and if a trip is a must, I am pretty uptight about the whole business until I'm sure it's clear skies and dry roads all the way.

Tomorrow has the makings of one of those days. I am due for a 5 a.m. departure for the Big City three hours from here to attend a workshop. A "wintry mix" had been promised earlier in the week. It now looks more like it might be just rain....but it's supposed to be around 32 degrees at 5 a.m. and even rain right at freezing makes me jumpy. I'm trying to do all those things I tell my clients...stay in today, not worry ahead, deal with it when it comes...yeah I talk a good line....but inside I am anxious and fretful, and also hopping mad that I have to start dealing with this crap in OCTOBER! I picked this workshop specifically because I figured the weather would not be a factor. There I go again, thinking I am in control. What was that phrase? Oh yes, "functional atheism," the belief that I control everything. We do not -- can not -- save ourselves.....I believe I heard that preached somewhere very recently. Apparently I am not listening to my own sermons again.

So once again the seasons change. Some things change with them and some things are constant. The trick, I think, is remembering which is which.

Friday Five: Personal Holy Days

Today on her way to her church's yearly Synod, to be welcomed and conditionally re-consecrated to episcopal ministry Sophia is "...thinking of the special rites of passage in our lives which we participate for ourselves or in which we support and bless others: baptism, confirmation, marriage, ordination, graduation, funerals, etc. Such important days, so exciting and joyous, but also sometimes anxiety provoking or deeply painful...." She asks in this Friday five that we share five memories of such sacred moments with God and her holy people from your life and the lives of those you love.

• If I go waaaaaay back in time, one would be my first Communion. The night before, I had suffered a close call with my overdeveloped little Catholic conscience. While playing "Spy" in the back yard I had said what I thought to be a "terrible bad word" (naked) and I was quite sure I had had committed a mortal sin. Yes, really. Since it was after seven o'clock I knew Father was no longer hearing confessions, and the moment it was out of my mouth, I nearly became hysterical with guilt and fear, quite convinced that I had just eliminated the chance that I would be able to receive my First Communion with the rest of my class. I ran to my mom, who bless her, did not laugh at my silly self, but took me seriously. She told me that I should just go in my room and ask God to forgive me, "say a good Act of Contrition" and it would be ok. I did and it was and by the next morning when the priest placed the wafer on my tongue....I knew that in that moment something special had happened for me, that Jesus was really present in a different way. I have loved the Eucharist ever since. And looking back, I think the night before and her tenderness and care as my "Mother confessor" was every bit as holy and sacramental as the day itself.
• The day my mother died. Thinking about how she dealt with my little crisis before First Communion reminds of her and her faith. She died as she lived, calmly, sure that God loved her and was simply going to take care things for her. I was there when her soul left her body and it was so....gentle....there was no doubt in my mind she was no longer there in that shell that could no longer support her life. But there was also no doubt that she lived on and does still.
• Baptising L. When I looked into his dark eyes and drew the cross on his head and "marked him as Christ's own forever" he had the most incredible smile on his face. When he had to go back to jail he told me he took strength from remembering that he belonged to Jesus in that way, really held onto it sometimes like a lifeline. Life has taken its turns for him again lately, and I don't know where he will end up. But he knows he is God's own beloved and for that I am grateful
• My ordination to the priesthood. . They tell me I radiated. They tell me my feet barely touched the ground. I cannot argue the point. My memory is pretty spotty for most of it. I remember kneeling, and promising "with God's help I will" and the weight of the hands of my Bishop and many priests on my head and tears and feeling incredibly humbled and grateful and....somehow changed in a way that I cannot explain.
• Falling and being in love with my sweet and wonderful R. He cringes when I say it....but I understand the love of God better because of him. He loves me well, he cares for me deeply, he is my nurturing presence, he has my back. Pretty holy stuff, I'd say.

Ok, gotta go get my tissues now.

L's Update

He pled guilty and the judge ordered a pre-sentence investigation and will set a sentencing date in 2 – 4 weeks, at which time she will make a decision. She did today, however, lower his bail from $5000 to $500 cash bail. Not that it matters. He doesn't have it. His friends don't have it and his church doesn't either. And even if he did get bailed out at this point....he's broke and homeless and his family has all his stuff, and I'm not really sure of their intentions towards it or him. His girlfriend D is with her folks about three hours from here. I don't know if he is welcome there or if that is even an option "out on bail." I plan to see him this weekend. I was hoping it would be in church.

Please Pray for L

His court date is tomorrow. This is the "real one." His attorney tells me that the sentencing guidelines for his offense provide for a 15 month prison sentence. With one-third off for good time, that would be 10 months. The prosecutor had offered a settlement to give L a 12 month prison sentence, which would have been 8 months. L had a choice to take the offer, go to trial, or plead to the judge and ask for mercy, leaving sentencing to her. With a plea to the judge in the best case scenario, his PD could make a motion for a “downward departure” asking the judge to give no prison, and just give local jail, like credit for his time served, and he could be out of there tomorrow. L decided to go for that option, pleading to the judge and go with a request for a “downward departure” and leaving sentencing up to her. From what I have seen of her in court with L and others, she seems to be fair and inclined towards giving people chances to make good. The PD told us we could write letters on his behalf, so that also may help. Prayers, I know will too.

On the "bad news" front: My congregants went over to clean out his apartment and found out that some of his family members beat them to the punch. The place was empty. Apparently L's landlord has never heard of the tenant's rights, even in absence, to their own property. The rent was paid through the month, but he let the folks in and let them have L's stuff. "Well," he said, "How was I to know? They were his family." No key, no letter of permission....just "hello here we are and we want it" apparently gets you a long way in small town land. I think perhaps he has not heard the last of this. But for now, getting out of jail will be good. Sufficient for one day maybe. As long as the art is safe. Pray God they have not "lost" his portfolio, that is really all we ask. The rest is really just stuff. The art....that is a little bit of L's soul on paper. *sigh*

Dancing with Light and Shadows

I am once again at the retreat center overlooking the lake….it is the last morning of Fall Clergy Conference. Whether this gets posted now or later will be up to the will of the mighty WIFI that controls our lives in this place. It is capricious here, and comes and goes seemingly with little rhyme or reason. But , given that it is a retreat center…perhaps that’s not such a bad thing.
Clergy conference this year has been of the retreat nature. This morning we will conclude with Eucharist and a little business, have lunch and go home. This is our last CC with our current Bishop and will be our final liturgy with him as assembled clergy, and will I am sure, be bittersweet.
Our leader this year is a clinical social worker and priest who works as a clergy coach. That is not, however, what he says he does. He says he plays. That was one of the loveliest things about this time. It was playful, while also being, at least for me full of wonderful reminders, little “aha” moments, and a few tears. Will started out with us “in the garden,” asking us to go to a place we could remember feeling easy and playful and to just stay there for a while, holding on to the feeling, the essence of that. We shared words that captured that feeling. We got to stay in the garden for a while, but eventually we moved to the wilderness. Will reminded us that after Jesus was assured that he was beloved that was where he went and that this is often where we are. He talked about the shadows we find there and named five ( based on work by Parker Palmer). In small groups we named the shadow that speaks to us most, the one that seems to be our most constant companion…at least right now. The rest of our group listened and heard us. They shared theirs too. Then in the large group we each stood and simply said our name and claimed our shadow. “I’m Kate and I am a functional atheist.” (The belief that I am in charge of the universe, that I have to take care of everything, that I have to do it all). There were a lot of us in that crowd. We could start FAA! Claiming your shadow is powerful. Liberating and lightening. This one was no surprise to me. It’s actually one I have been friends with for a while and have been releasing for some time. I called it overfunctioning. Calling it functional atheism made me sit up and take notice. GOD is in there….or rather isn’t. Uh-oh. It took me back to what the Presiding Bishop said in her talk with us last Spring when she was asked about staying so cool under the pressures of leadership. She said she remembers that its God’s church and then she goes to bed.
Next Will reminded us that Jesus was not in the wilderness alone. That angels were there “tending” to him. He reminded us that we too are tended, and asked us to call to mind those who tend us on this side of the grave and beyond. Once again we shared those people in groups with our peers. Moms, dead and alive were on lots of angel lists. So were spouses and partners. Mine was. I told them that R was definitely an angel and “tender” for me….and that furthermore I understood the love of God better since he has been in my life.
Last night’s session took us out of the wilderness and into the world….but by a rather strange route…via the boat….yes that would be the one we need to step out of onto water as Jesus says “come.” It’s about trusting that the hand held out in love is there and the relationship is solid enough to hold us….and do we really trust it. Will read us this poem by Michael Whyte. It felt like a very private altar call.

The True Love
There's a faith in loving fiercely the one who is rightfully yours
especially if you have waited years and especially if part of you never
believed you could deserve this loved and beckoning hand held
out to you this way.

I am thinking of faith now and the testaments of loneliness
and what we feel we are worthy of in this world.
Years ago in the Hebrides I remember an old man
who would walk every morning on the gray stones
to the shore of baying seals, who would press his
hat to his chest in the blustering salt wind and say his
prayer to the turbulent Jesus hidden in the waters.

And I think of the story of the storm and the people
waking and seeing the distant, yet familiar figure,
far across the water calling to them.
And how we are all preparing for that abrupt waking
and that calling and that moment when we have to say yes!
Except it will not come so grandly, so biblically,
but more subtly, and intimately in the face
of the one you know you have to love.
So that when we finally step out of the boat
toward them we find, everything holds us,
and everything confirms our courage.

And if you wanted to drown, you could,
But you don't, because finally, after all
this struggle and all these years,
you don't want to anymore.You've simply had enough of drowning
and you want to live, and you want to love.
And you'll walk across any territory,
and any darkness, however fluid,
and however dangerous to take the one
hand and the one life, you know belongs in yours.

I needed this conference to be a retreat and I’m so glad it was. There is “stuff” in our Diocese. We are electing a Bishop in about six weeks. We have issues. Well, duh! Of course we do, we are church. And just why is that? Why is it all so contentious? It seems that everywhere I look lately congregations and denominations and diocese….they all have all this stuff they are wrangling about. Locally and elsewhere, so many of my pastor friends are in so much pain over things that are going on in their congregations. I think this just makes God weep….we are all God’s beloved. I keep imagining again the garden…the words we came up with….serene, playful, whole, gleeful, peaceful, unworried, well, childlike, unfettered, unselfconscious, creative, happy, laughing, flying, unlimited….and thinking, what if these were the words that described church? Wouldn’t this be the place you would really want to be? And yet, why is it not….the Lover who created us gave us the potential for this. And yet the shadow keeps winning. Not because it is so powerful, but because we refuse to acknowledge its presence. As long as we pretend it is not there it has all the power. But naming it disarms it. Allowing others to name the one they see lurking behind us that we cannot possibly see is more powerful still. But that takes trust and an even bigger step out of the boat.
Lots to reflect on, lots to pray about. Time to hit the “WIFI hot spot” now to see if this will post…then on to close the conference.

Friday Five: Autumn Memories Edition

Let us fear the LORD our God, who gives autumn and spring rains in season, who assures us of the regular weeks of harvest. Jeremiah 5:23b

SingingOwl says: "The Autumnal Equinox has just come 'round again. I took a look back at our Friday Fives and noted that it always seems to make the Rev Gals and their Pals think of changes. There is something so nostalgic about this time of year, at least in the Northern Hemisphere. The nights grow cooler, crops are harvested, for some of us the leaves are beginning to change colors. The scent of smoke is in the air, pumpkins are in the stores (or on wagons, or in roadside stands for those of us in the country). I'm thinking of putting away my summer clothes and pulling out the sweaters. And I have a tub of Fall-themed items that my husband just lugged up from the basement. I'm looking for my scarecrow.For this week, let's share some memories along with some hopes and expectations."

1. Share a Fall memory. I always think about Fall as more the new year than New Year's. Maybe that is because I have spent more of my life going back to school than not...or at least it seems that way, and Fall always seems like new beginning time. I came out here to my new life on the prairie in Fall...where I fell in love with the amazing light. So it's not so much a single Fall memory but a montage of new beginnings from childhood on....new shoes and new books to a brand new life that held more promise and adventure than I ever could have imagined.

2. Your favorite Fall clothes--(past or present)? I Love Hoodies! Especially if they are plush and soft and warm. I am always cold and having something that is just a little bigger than necessary that I can pull up and over and hunker down into on these chillier days makes me a happy camper!

3. Share a campfire story, song, experience...etc. When I was a kid I went to "day camp" at the local park. Our local girl scout troops would take over this huge beautiful bluff top place for a week each summer. Each "unit" would be assigned to a camp for the week. We would make "sit-upons" woven out of folded newspaper and then covered with an oilcloth bag. We'd do crafts, have campfires where we would make campfire stew, attempt to bake cakes and biscuits with more (or mostly less) success, learn songs and go on hikes. At the end of the week there would be an all camp program where each unit would perform something. One year we did an abbreviated version of the Hiawatha story. I got to be the narrator. and it was pretty cool. "By the shores of Gitchigoomee, by the roaring big sea waters...." or something to that effect.

4. What is your favorite thing about this time of year? The light, of course!

5. What changes are you anticipating in your life, your church, family...whatever...as the season changes and winter approaches? I am hoping that R and I will have more time to spend together. Our schedules should mesh a little better for a variety of reasons and we are hoping to have a little more just "regular time" to hang out, work on house projects and just be together enjoying one another's company.

Bonus: What food says "AUTUMN" at your house? Recipes always appreciated. Soup, stew, apple crisp and pie. R and I picked some pears at a friend's house and have had two great and different pear pies. YUM! Sorry I don't have recipes...wrong computer.

Friday Five: Where on the Stairs?

Thinking of your childhood as a stairway, when did you feel (and how did you feel then)

1. At the bottom? I think I felt "at the bottom" a lot as a kid. I was bullied a lot. I realize now that is what is was, although back then they called it teasing. But I was overweight and shy and felt a whole lot more comfortable around adults than I did other kids. This meant I sought out the nuns, which made the other kids think I was trying to be a "pet," or worse yet, ratting on them, further alienating me from my peers.

2. At the top? Getting out of grade school was a great improvement. I was determined that I was going to the all girls Catholic High School vs the coed one that most of the kids from my school went to, and over the vigorous objections of my dad because 1)we couldn't afford it, and 2) I was going to "take on airs" because it was more of an upper middle class school, and my pastor since the coed place was supported by the Diocese, I got myself a scholarship and WENT! All in all it was a great decision, and really quite an incredible thing for me to take my life into my own hands in this way at that point in my life. The world opened up for me in all sorts of wonderful ways. I learned about music and art and culture. I traveled with classes and on a junior year tour. I really believe that there's a chance if I had not chosen "the Viz" I might never have known I was smart, and may not have gone to college, as no one in my family had done this before.

3. Halfway? Where I got "stuck" due to the complications of the spiritual abuse that took place in my sophomore year. That was the downside of my high school experience. My strong need for approval and connection led me into a relationship with a nun who was getting her own needs met in some unhealthy ways with a group of "followers" she cultivated. I have written about her at various places in my blog, including my liberation from the introjected voice of her in my head last year. The interesting intersection is that in imagery and, in actual reality....it does take place on a stairway. Because she had such power over me, her words had the ability to do great harm. One day I was sitting on the stairs....halfway up a landing....and she said some incredibly awful things to me. Things I now know were her perp rap. Things designed to keep me powerless and caught in her grasp. But at the time I thought they were the Truth about me as only she could know it, and they devastated me. A part of me stopped there, at fifteen on those steps, stock still, shocked and stunned to silence. I only moved from there after lots of therapy and good soul work, and I'm not halfway anymore.

4. At this point in your life, where would you place yourself on your own stairway? Well, timeline wise, as I have said before, I still like to labor under the delusion that I am in midlife....apparently I am going to live into my hundred and somethings. And why not! Life in general-wise? I am standing at the top of one of those lovely and graceful stairs that have balconies. I am overlooking some great things that have been. But I am getting ready to go get dressed for the next thing....because it's gonna be great too!

5. Identify a place for you that "isn't really anywhere" but "somewhere else instead." The picture above is from a bluff in my hometown. It's not the one from the park I wanted, that's on the other computer....but it's "up" and that's the main thing. When I needed perspective, escape, whatever....like Maria, I went to the hills, or my case, the river bluffs. And there I wrote, cried, pondered, contemplated. Living on the prairie I miss "up" and have to content myself with "out" instead and am grateful for the huge expanse of prairie sky and of course...the light.

Court Happened.....

It was short and it was not sweet. It was "only" the omnibus hearing...as in "does anyone have anything else to add here, folks?" No one did, and he went back to his cell to sit for a few more weeks. Tick-tick. Well at least he saw his PD. He told him it's likely his sentence will be fourteen months. He advised him against taking the plea for twelve offered by the prosecutor. His rationale is that with the two months or so he already sat, he will get time served and that will make it twelve anyway. Gotta love that logic. Or maybe the judge will be lenient. According to M who was there that day, there is a chance that if we write and let the judge know that other than this, L has been doing okay as far as we know, has plans, won't forget again.....maybe she will give him a shorter sentence or even let him go with simply what he has already served. Hoping, writing and praying. I can do that.

L...an Update and Prayer Request

I went to see L yesterday. He has been moved again up to the jail in the next town. the same one he was moved to on that Christmas Eve that I made the flying trip to visit him. This time I knew he was there. His girlfriend called and told me. She found out after she tried to call and talk to him and he wasn't there. So did M, after he tried to visit him here one day and found out he was gone. It's been harder for him to have company now that he's thirty miles up the road from us. In my more cynical moments I wonder if that was why he was selected for a move. He had been getting a fair amount of guests. M, myself, his community worker. Though not, according, to L, his public defender. His court date is tomorrow and the PD still has not talked to him. He is sad and discouraged and worried about the outcome. He's been hearing horror stories about "other guys" who went to prison for similar offenses and he's afraid that is his future too. He has one of his "bad feelings about this, RevKate." He cried the whole time we talked. He wants so badly to have another chance. He promises never again to forget to do anything that is expected of him. He says if he even thinks he might have forgotten something, he will go do it over again, "just in case."

His plan, if he is allowed to go free is to move down to the southern part of the state with D. He has finally realized that he would be better off with a little more distance from some family members. He told me some more stories yesterday about some things with family that made me really sad for him. He needs a fresh start. D seems to truly care for him and to have his best interest at heart, and I am hopeful that they could perhaps be good for each other. Tomorrow could be the beginning of that start. Or it could be the beginning of another stretch of jail time....
Please keep him in your prayers. Thanks.

Recharged/ recharging Friday Five

Sally says: "A few weeks ago my lap-top battery died, suddenly I found myself looking at a blank screen and was rather relieved to find that it was only the battery and not the whole computer that had failed. This morning a new battery arrived in the post, and suddenly I am mobile again!After a week with what feels like wall to wall meetings, and Synod looming on the horizon for tomorrow I find myself pondering my own need to recharge my batteries. This afternoon Tim and I are setting off to explore the countryside around our new home, I always find that walking in the fresh air away from phones and e-mails recharges me. But that is not the only thing that restores my soul, so do some people, books, pieces of music etc....So I wonder what/ who gives you energy?"

1. Is there a person who encourages and uplifts you, whose company you seek when you are feeling low? There are person(s) plural, I am blessed that way. First of course is my wonderful R, husband to be, best friend, playmate, nurturer, travel buddy, fellow adventurer and asker of great questions. Then would be soul sisters C, CMR, A and S, all of whom love, nurture, and get me through times good and bad.
2. How about a piece of music that either invigorates or relaxes you? I could never pick ONE! There is Bach, there is rock, there is most of the 1982 Hymnal. But right now on the top of the play list there is Jimmy Buffett, whom we saw last weekend in live dripping concert. I find myself humming "Changes in Attitude," and "Growing Older but Not Up" as I go through my day, and I relive moments of that fun event.

3. Which book of the Bible do you most readily turn to for refreshment and encouragement? Is there a particular story that brings you hope? John, Psalms, Isaiah, Jeremiah 29:11-13 (my ordination verse that seems to just "turn up" at the most interesting times.
4. A bracing walk or a cosy fireside? Yes
5. Are you feeling refreshed and restored at the moment or in need of recharging, write a prayer or a prayer request to finish this weeks Friday Five....I am seriously in need of a recharge and a good thing it's Friday, I'm thinkin'.....I have a long weekend with nothing really in it...my prayer is that I will use it well and allow myself to rest rather than simply flog myself to work to distraction the whole time. I also ask prayers for L. His hearing is Tuesday to determine if he will go to prison for five years or not.

Sermon for the 12th Sunday After Pentecost

Joshua 24:1-2a,14-18, Ephesians 6:10-20, John 6:56-69

Yes… it’s one more week of the sixth chapter of John and the bread of heaven, these discourses that have interrupted the Gospel of Mark in the Lectionary for the last five weeks in which Jesus continues to try to tell his followers a vital truth about who he is and what they, as his followers, must do to have this ephemeral concept of “eternal life.” If you can remember back at the end of last month, we began with the story of the feeding of the five thousand. This miracle that so impressed the crowd that they wanted to take Jesus by force and make him their king. We began with a crowd of over five thousand, following this Jesus, not even giving him time to step away and pray or refresh himself in solitude, and today we hear that his message has become so difficult and offensive that even his disciples are turning away.

As we know, John’s Gospel is the one that is laden with deep and mystical meaning. More than in the other Gospels, language is important in John. Words do not simply mean what they mean, and simple concepts like bread and life are deep with spiritual and theological importance. This bread that Jesus talks about is bread for the body on one level, and on another it reminds John’s hearers of the manna that God provided their ancestors in the wilderness. But it is ever so much more than that, Jesus tells them. This bread is himself, his very life; and those who eat it "will live forever." But they weren’t getting it, and some two thousand years later, we are still wrestling with it!

“You are what you eat.” Or “Tell me what you eat and I will tell you what you are” as Anthelme Brillat-Savarin originally wrote it in Meditations of Transcendent Gastronomy. He might have been saying tell me what it is that you take into yourself, what it is that you surround yourself with, what is it you immerse yourself in, what it is it you identify yourself most intimately with and I will know who you are.

Jesus says to his followers, “I am willing to be given to you, to be completely sacrificed for you in love, because I know who I am and that this self-giving is part of my very essence. And those who allow me to feed them, to take me into them completely will have the life that is true, that is real, that does not end. And…they will become more and more like me, more identified with me.”

“This teaching is difficult, who can accept it?” Indeed. This is not the first time the disciples have struggled to understand Jesus. Nor of course will it be the last. The scholars wrangle over whether or not it is the language of the eating of flesh and drinking of blood that offended Jesus’ Jewish hearers, or if it was simply the response to the rest of the message that they were reacting to. Becoming like Jesus. This Jesus who ate with outcasts, insisted on justice and compassion….upset the status quo. Whatever the reason, John tells us, many of his disciples fell away at that point. Apparently it was just getting too hard to follow this strange rabbi. He was asking too much. And in a kind of heart stopping moment, Jesus asks the twelve, “So what about you, are you leaving me too?” And Peter, good everyperson Peter, whom as we know doesn’t always get it right or do it well, in this case has the answer we all want to hear right then, “Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and know that you are the Holy One of God.” We can almost hear the echo resounding down the ages from Joshua choosing “for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.”
Throughout time it is always God who has been faithful, who has remained in relationship, in covenant with God’s people. God’s beloved have always been given a choice, and they have not always chosen to serve God. For though we too know, like Joshua’s people, God has been faithful to us, and perhaps we can think without too much trouble, at least on a good day, of the ways that God has brought us up out of slavery, of our own signs of God at work in our lives, of the ways we have been protected along the way, we also might feel with the disciples that following Jesus is just too much at times, and we, too might want to turn back and no longer go with him.

But still he keeps coming back to us. “I really am the only one who has what you need for life.” Peter knew…. and our hearts know….to whom else can we go really? This Jesus who breaks into human history as the Incarnate manifestation of God….to show us literally who God is…..this living bread….the Holy One of God who willingly sacrifices himself for us…we who are God’s beloved ones, simply so we can abide in God and God in us….what an amazing promise of covenantal relationship…. And then of course…. calls on us to respond.

Because of course there is that other part of the both/and of the Incarnation….Jesus, the bread of heaven comes to feed us God and sustain us….but for what? Perhaps this was the thing that really made Jesus’ followers turn away…. the message of radical hospitality, inclusivity and love that does not count the cost… this Gospel that led to Jesus “ascending” to death on a cross before resurrection could ever be possible.

At times we may feel as Paul did, that we “struggle against the cosmic powers of this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” and that we need to “put on the whole armor of God” on to help us deal with whatever we encounter as we live this countercultural message of the Gospel. While we may not face life and death choices, we are all asked in ways both large and small to take stands for truth and righteousness, and to proclaim the gospel of peace. Through our baptismal vows we promise to proclaim by word and example the Good, News of God in Christ, to seek and serve Christ in all persons, loving our neighbors as ourselves, to strive for justice and peace among all people, and respect the dignity of every human being.”

You are what you eat. It is all of this that we commemorate and celebrate in our Eucharist. The great both/and. Jesus, bread of heaven feeding us the perfect gift of God that will not fail…but also our knowledge that this is bread for a journey, …that we have placed on us by virtue of our baptism a call to use the nourishment we are given to do as Jesus did to bring about God’s kingdom here on earth….to act in turn as Jesus did, even if it calls us out of our comfort zones, even it calls us to sacrifice. We cannot feed others if we ourselves are not nourished. Do we allow Jesus to feed us? In the Word and in Spirit, in community and in the Eucharist? Are we open to receive? Can we, like Peter answer Jesus, with open hearts, "Lord, to whom can we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe and know that you are the Holy One of God."

The Hearing

My congregant M who is L's sponsor went to his hearing. He approached L's PD with a letter attesting to L's hard work to build a life and the fact that M believed that this "failure to report" was really just an honest mistake on L's part. The PD had no idea who L was and wasn't even sure he was his client. Yep and he was to represent him in court. L was to be first up on the docket, but the judge moved him to the end so the PD could at least read his file. The long and short of it is that based on what M told the PD, he managed to get another hearing on September 8, and bail is reduced to $5000 (which is still out of reach for L or his wee church). We are still working on some type of intervention in conjunction with his therapist, and he is getting visits from folks in the church and from me. This is, as C pointed out, a far cry from the first time he was there. But still, he is there, and there is not a good place to be, and clearly his representation leaves something to be desired! The two-tiered justice system in this country makes me want to scream and tear my hair. This is the same PD he had the first time. The one who, IMHO did not do such a great job of explaining all the ramifications of what it would mean to his whole life if he pled guilty to this crime that L was saying he did not do. But this is where we are today. There is no undoing the past. Appeals, it appears are not even possible at this point...what is done is really done. So pray on for L that he can hang in there until September 8, and for the wisdom and compassion of the judge on that day that she can see that he is not a menace to society and let him go to try again to make a small life with his D.

Deja vu All Over Again

So I saw him...back in that same ugly orange and brown visiting room where our relationship began. He is, as expected, distraught and frantic. "I forgot, I just forgot. I remembered one day, and the next I was going to and then I forgot again, and then I thought I already had, or I wasn't sure and then I forgot." Yes this is how his brain works. He was in tears for the hour I was there. He doesn't get why his family is harassing D, he's upset that she felt she had to go back home, but he understands her need to feel safe. He says they were starting to talk about a future together. So we prayed he and I...for his strength and courage, for him to stay focused and out of trouble in jail. We talked, too. About that relationship with D. I told him that after this is all said and done that can still come to be....I wanted so badly to give him something to hold on to in this dark time, a vision of a better and, my endlessly hopeful self believes, still-possible future. I reminded him that he is not alone in this, that he is beloved of God and of a human community who cares for and prays for him and will do whatever is possible to help him and D in this difficult time. And I reminded him of my lady pastor friends...my "peeps" and told him I had already asked them to pray too.

His hearing is tomorrow morning at 8:30. His therapist is talking to his social worker. I'm calling her too. Other than that....all we can do is pray.

L's Life Now

This is a sad story and a true one. But I also have to say it has its moments....God working, the incredible kindness of one human being to another, a small stirring of hope for faithful love amidst chaos....

I haven't posted about L for quite some time now. He had sort of dropped out of sight after he got out of CH for the second time last winter. He went to live with his mom in the town south of here after he had a falling out with the woman whose house he had been sharing here in town and he had not been keeping in touch. He'd not been in church either, all of which were not good signs. I'd run into him in town one day and he didn't look or sound good. He said he couldn't remember his mom's number, but I gave him mine and he promised to call me. He didn't. I heard through the grapevine (not always reliable) that he might have a girlfriend, he might be moving. I also heard he was not doing well and might be back into some old unhealthy behaviors.
Over the spring and summer I thought about him and prayed for him daily, as he is on my prayer list. But a couple weeks ago he started coming into my mind in an urgent sort of way. I started having the kind of feelings I had when I met him for the first time and God kept pushing me back to that darn jail with the sense that I just had to go see that kid whether I wanted to or not! Maybe it was because it was close to the anniversary of his baptism...I don't know. But I just could not lose the sense that I simply had to get in touch somehow. So I rooted around and found his mom's address in my planner and sent him a note....I let him know he was in my thoughts and prayers and that I missed him. I reminded him that his baptismal sponsor M lived just down the road a bit in his same little town....and I gave him M's cell number and told him I thought M would not mind if he called him....for a ride to church, to talk....or for whatever, because M had pledged to support him when he agreed to be his sponsor.

Well, turns out he did use that number to call M....in time of need. L was arrested last night and he asked his girlfriend D to call M and his wife and ask them to help her deal with it. They called me and the three of us were in court this morning for his intiial hearing. Seems that he forgot a very crucial thing he was supposed to do that could cost him another five years of his life in prison. A simple notification...I think a slip of mind for him, not a malicious act. He and D had moved three weeks ago into their own place and he failed to notify the people who were to be notified of such things. He does not process things well, or remember them. His next hearing is Tuesday. His bail is out of reach for his girlfriend, his church. So there he is again....in the same jail where we first met. I called his therapist. On Monday she will contact his public defender to see if there is anything by way of all the issues he deals with that qualify here to stop this. It should have the first time and did not. Perhaps we can keep this whole thing from getting even more absurd. People with problems that cause the kind of poor judgement he has need help or perhaps treatment, or even "keepers" of some sort to watch over them to protect them from themselves, for heaven knows they are their own worst enemies, but certainly not punishment in prison. And besides, it's a waste of a good jail cell to lock up this befuddled child that could be used for a real a criminal.

His family, shall we say, has some issues. They don't seem to like L's girlfriend. Perhaps because she is a positive influence on him. For whatever reason, they have taken a rather strong dislike to her, and they are the kind of folks you would rather not have disliking you...and they make that apparent. They scared her and she did not want to stay alone in the apartment. So this afternoon, M's wife R drove her three hours to her folks where she will stay till we know what is going to happen with L. R called me when she got home and told me that D wants me to let L know very clearly that she loves him and is not leaving him and will hang with him no matter what. Apparently D heard L's mama telling him something quite different as he was leaving court today, right before his brother offered to beat her up.

Sunday there will be a jail visit again. And yes, I will be telling L that D is safe and not deserting him. The harder thing will be to tell him I do not have bail and that it's unlikely that will be coming, but that we are going to do our best to see that justice is done...this time.

So once again....please, please, pray for my friend L?

Friday Five: Wind in My Sails

Sally says: "I am taking a break from packing to move this week and following my family up and down the beautiful North Norfolk Coast as they take part in a dinghy racing competition. Yesterday as a rare treat Tim and I took out a friends Albacore dinghy. With the children soon all leaving home we are considering buying one to replace our smaller Enterprise racing dinghy Wild Goose. So why all of this boaty information? Well because sailing is a family passion, we love the water and the wind, and take delight in the fresh air and quiet, but also in the competition, striving to do our best!"
How about you?
1. Is there a sport/ hobby that is more of a passion than a past-time for you? I have been called variously a "Jill-of-all-trades," a generalist and a Renaissance woman ( and of the three I have to say I prefer the latter.). I think this means I am interested in/passionate about, and maybe even skilled at a whole host of things. But whether I can ever "settle" on one of them long enough for it to become my thing, now there's the problem. I love music and play, sort of, a whole host of instruments, none of them at performance quality. I sing, passably. I knit and crochet....veeeerrrrrry slowly. I recently started doing watercolor and am having fun producing paintings. I love trying to capture my beloved prairie light that way as well as in photography. I write passionately in various capacities. None of these qualify for me as mere past-times....they all have way more meaning than that, yet none have the all consuming hold that I see in some folks who have that one thing that they do as in "Joni is a GOLFER." or "Bob SCULPTS." And as for sports....none really. I was raised to be sort of a girly little girl and the active life has come to me late...so not so much a sporty passionate kinda girl.
2. Outdoors or indoors? Both.....
3. Where do you find peace and quiet? On my porch swing, on my yoga mat, in breath, on the altar, with R, in conversation with friends.
4. A competitive spirit; good or bad, discuss...Yes, again both/and. I have one. Just ask anyone who has ever played anything with me. I like to win! But it's all in good fun.
5. Is there a song a picture or a poem that sums up your passion ? Bonus for posting a video/ link. It would have to be the world's most complex collage. Maybe someday I will write it, or compose it, or paint it, or knit it.

The Bike Story

One of the first things I came to know about R when I met him is that he is a "love by doing" kind of guy. Oh, not that he is inarticulate or anything. We have wonderful and wide-ranging conversations about anything and everything. But when it comes right down to it....if you want to know who he is...watch him in action. So this whole bike thing really should have come as no surprise to me.....

As some readers of the blog know, I bought myself a bike for my birthday. I was taken by the lovely purple color, and yes, the low-low price at the big box store. I was also taken in, I fear by the smooth talk of the guy who said he knew how to assemble the bikes. He's the husband of an ex-coworker, and as such, I was more than willing to believe him. Perhaps he was truthful, and the bike was simply a lemon, or his rhetoric outweighs his skills. At any rate, the loss of the pedal on the first ride was not a fluke. The bike was not up to par. The rear brake would not release, the frame was funky, and the whole bike just wasn't right! We had both looked at it and made a decision that the best thing was to take it back and get a refund. I knew this meant I would likely be bikeless at least for a while, as I had looked at the other discount place in town (what we have here for retail options) and there was nothing in my price range that looked any better, and the local bike shop was waaaaaay out of range even for a "starter" bike. I was feeling kind of bummed about this and R knew it. We had fun even on our ill-fated starter ride with my crummy bike and were looking forward to going riding together before the summer waned. But no bike was better than this bike, we reasoned. And maybe next year, I could afford a good one from the bike shop, or maybe I'd run across one somewhere yet later in the summer. *sigh* We planned to take the lemon back the next night after work.

The next afternoon was sitting at my desk when an e-mail popped up from R. "I found you a bike." The very same bike shop that had looked aghast and appalled when I asked them if they ever had anything in a used bike "just happened" to have a lovely women's used Schwinn commuter, all tuned up and ready for resale when he called them. Yep...you just have to know the right people in a small town! We went over after work and clinched the deal (which he also negotiated fabulously, BTW). I LOVE this bike!!!! It rides great and I feel free and safe and balanced on it in a way that I have not felt on a bike since I was a kid! Turns out he had been on line that day checking out the local "traders" for bikes too, before calling the bike shop. He really put himself into this for me and I was blown away. No one has ever done anything like this for me before...just saw something that I needed and gone and worked at getting it for me. And of course I reacted to that in kind, which kind of stunned R. His version of the story can be told in two seconds and five words, "I found Kate a bike" and he sees it as no big thing. But to me it's all about the way he loves, and who he is and the way my life has changed. I am no longer the only one taking care of me. I don't have to figure it all out, fix it all, cover it all. The buck doesn't stop here anymore, and that feels so incredibly good!

Every time I look at that pretty white bike with the purple-ish trim I have to smile. It's a symbol of love to me. Just like my clean gutters and our lovely garden and the fans that run again and all the other little things that work again that didn't before he was in my life. I understand how God loves me better since R is in my life. I get in a new and visceral way what it is like to be beloved.....to feel deeply cared for, surrounded, protected and nurtured by love. I am so blessed. And so grateful.

Friday Five: Child's Play Edition

Kathrynzj writes: "While traveling with my 4 year old we were both pleased to find a HUGE indoor playground. Now he can maneuver himself around those things no problem but I have found myself at the top level of what amounts to a glorified hamster tube more than once either rescuing an article of clothing or The Boy himself. There was a small part of me saddened to find that I no longer had the convenient excuse to be a kid and go up in the playground, but mostly my aging knees and back were quite happy to skip the experience.Maybe you are better at it than me, but my first-born, responsible demeanor rarely lets up enough for me to do frivolous silly things – like playing on playgrounds – without a good reason. My friend will stand up in a crowded restaurant and serenade me with an operatic rendition of Happy Birthday. My sister is very good at grabbing the joy in the moment. I seem to need a child to bring it out in me and even then… it takes a lot.Today’s Friday Five celebrates the spontaneous child in all of us… or at least the one that we admire in someone else:"

1) On a scale of 1-5, with 5 being "I can’t do this now, I am about to jump into a pit of plastic balls at the mini-mall;" and 1 being "I can’t do this now until I can get all of the fonts on my blog to match" – where are you? I am a newly hatched five and proud of it! Oh the joy of falling in love with someone who is unabashedly a twelve year old! Since meeting R and becoming more and more his partner in life (and crime!) lots and lots of little tight and squidgy places in me are unwinding. I was preparing myself for this I think, as last summer I had written a post or two about my process of finally learning to play, by going out with Soul Sister A and sticking my head in dead trees and getting bit by mysterious bugs while hurling myself into tall grass while geocaching. And learning to ride a bike again, and allowing myself to be silly and do things that had no apparent redeeming social value. But my playfulness quotient is rising daily. Twice this week I have caught myself going "wheeeeee" as I cruised off down the street on my (second) new bike of the year (Story in a later post). I find myself giggling often, and laughing to the point of "I can't breathe" on a regular basis just over sheer silly stuff. There is a new willingness in me to try things, take chances. I was looking at shore excursions for our dream honeymoon cruise, and I realized that there was very little there that I wouldn't consider. A far cry from the past uptight scaredey girl I used to be! Much more fun this way, indeed!

2) What is the silliest/most childlike thing you have done as an adult? Well, since I am relatively new to silly and childlike, I don't have a really big repertoire here to call on. Maybe I'll have to take a poll and see if I can fill this one in later.

3) Any regrets? That I didn't stop being so serious and start playing sooner.

4) What is the silliest thing you have ever seen another adult do on purpose? I can't thing of one specific thing, but I'm sure it had something to do with either alcohol or reality TV shows.

5) What is something you wish you did when you had the chance? I had the chance to parasail in Mexico one of the times when I was there, but fear held me back. I'm hoping that on our planned trip there next year that will be one of the things I'll get to do.

BONUS: For our ‘I told you so’ sides – what thing did you skip doing and you’re really glad you did! Jello shots.

Another Saturday in God's Country

It strikes me how little I've written lately, here or elsewhere. Sermons, a couple Friday fives, a few reports for work. It's feeling a little dry and of the "on-demand" kind of thing. I just popped into the office for a few minutes this morning. It wasn't on the agenda. Gazpacho was on the agenda. I'm taking that out to Soul Sister C's farm later today. We're having a going away party for SS A who is moving South. Way South. Yes the SS's are losing one of us, at least in the flesh. It's sad and hard and we are working madly to figure out how to use webcams and IMs to keep our little "SSBS" group intact and functioning. We know this move is good for A and her hubby. He has a fabulous new job that seems as if it were tailored just for him. She will have more opportunities for satisfying work in her field, too. And they will be a mere drive away from the beauteous granddaughter, instead of hours by plane. But we grieve this loss of her in our midst. So today we will eat and kayak and paint and laugh and do all the things that make us the Soul Sisters. Oh and cry of course, as we say "we will see you soon....when you visit, or we do." We are planning trips already. C's hub wants to see a football game in A's territory and we all say, "Road trip! Why not?" And we've committed to a once a year retreat together. We know that next May will find us gathering for a few days of fun and merriment for sure! But the reality is that long distance things are hard, we all know it and feel it. So the Soul Sisters are a little sad today.

I'm at the office because I had to find "something to do" at the little emergent-y church thing R and I are involved in. It is struggling right now. The "designated leader" who was very passionate, committed and charismatic has moved away and there is a definite leadership void. We are trying leadership by group but it's faltering on takeoff as the group dynamics are a little wobbly. We care about it enough to do a little rescue breathing but not to drown ourselves trying to save it....and sometimes that is a fine line. There are a couple more leader folks who feel the same way, and others who just seem to come along each week and see what transpires. In other words....church as usual! I have one church I am responsible for. I don't need or want two. But this place does meet a need for some folks so I hate to just walk away and let it die. So, given that this particular week, R and I know that if we don't step up...there will be nothing in the way of structure....I'm here on Saturday morning throwing together a little something. Fortunately, it is that! A reading, a few questions to spark discussion, a couple songs for the CD player....and the rest flies by the seat. Tonight R will make some hotdish and we will review what I've thrown together and we will be good to go. If only liturgy planning were always this simple!

My sermon for my own place has been done since Wednesday. This is week four of four and I'm feeling it. Fortunately RevC is recovered and we are back in our rotation again, so I'm not on again for a few weeks. As much as I enjoy celebrating and preaching, doing it every week with a forty hour day job gets a little stretchy! My sermons have been of the "ok" variety. I thought last week's might have needed a leash and collar but my trusted feedback said no, it was decent on delivery. HS all the way! I feel a little "meh" about this week as well. I seem to keep saying the same thing. And not that it's a bad thing to say. "God loves you beyond belief...Jesus is the great both/and...coming into history to show us who God is and who we can be....go and love one another and be the bringers of the kingdom." Said several different ways using whatever is at hand....pretty much the Good News of the week lately.

So it's good to be going off to a day at the farm and the lake. I get to try kayaking for the first time. That should be good for some laughs. SS A promises to take pictures, especially of any compromising positions I end up in. She feels she owes me for some reason. It could be the fact that I took some of her trying some "things" on at the Great Bridesmaid Dress Buying Event. I am looking forward to sun and water and love and laughter with my sisters and then coming home to an evening with my sweet guy. We may actually make it to the hot tub tonight if weather and schedules and timing permit!

"Friday Five at the Perfect Church"

Singing Owl says: "Please pardon me for talking about church in the summer when many of you may be on vacation. However, the church we are talking about today is the one you dream of. I've been thinking about this because I miss pastoring and preaching, because I am sending in resumes, and because...well...jut because. So have some fun with this. Tell us five things that the perfect church would have, be, do...whatever.We can dream, right?"

In the perfect church:

• We could all get in (Handicap accessibility which we don't have right now)
• We would would all get out and do (or realize as many are already doing) God's work in the many places our lives take us and not be confined to thinking that "church" only happens in that cute little building on the corner on Sundays.
• We would talk directly to (not about) each other.
• We would talk directly about our relationship with God and Jesus Christ. (Gasp! We are Episcopalians after all)
• We would give thanks for God's amazing grace and abundance in our lives here and now, be a less worried about perfection and and go be the church.

Friday Five: Games

In less than three weeks, my family, including children and their partners, will be gathering in Seattle, WA for 12 days. After various days in Seattle sightseeing and in Bellingham seeing family, we will travel to the coast of Washington State to spend three nights in a large rented house. With nine adults (from almost 20 years old and up), I am thinking that we need to have some activities pre-planned--like GAMES! (Any ideas will be appreciated.)So this Friday Five is about games, so play on ahead. . . .
1. Childhood games? I was an "only" by virtue of my late late birth, and grew up in a neighborhood where there were not a lot of other kids, so I played with the grownups a lot. We played cards...Canasta, Euchre, 500, Pokeeno, and some dice games. When there were other kids around I remember some hot summer nights playing Statue and Hide and Seek through the neighborhood.
2. Favorite and/or most hated board games? For some reason I was never a fan of Monopoly. It seeemed to go on forever and I just didn't get the point! I liked Scrabble and Trivial Pursuit when that came along.
3. Card games? Yep. Cut my teeth on em! Canasta was my favorite, though I was sitting in on Euchre hands at about age eight and was kind of a little ringer by about ten.
4. Travel/car games? Making up phrases out of the letters on the license plates, seeing who can find certain items, NOT singing 100 Bottles of Beer! Please, oh Please!
5. Adult pastimes that are not video games. Conversation....it really is not a lost art. Going for walks or hikes. Geocaching. Going to museums and plays. Reading. Painting. Playing musical instruments and singing. Learning a new skill. Gardening. Fixing something instead of throwing it out. Cuddling. Spending time with a kid or a pet. Traveling (even locally). Going to a concert. Going to the library. Visiting a shut-in or the nursing home. Calling or e-mailing or writing (on paper--gasp!) a friend. Blogging, writing or journaling. And all this in a small town where people tell me on a regular basis there is "nothing to do." Boredom? not in my vocabulary!

?Bonus: Any ideas for family vacations or gatherings? Croquet, Bola, badminton, bag toss...all those "old fashioned" games are great fun in groups. Especially if there is a little spirit of competition going!

Today's Sermon---Good News Even Here!

Sermon for Pentecost 6B Proper 10
Amos 7:7-15, Mark 6:14-29

I'm on a preaching run for about four to six weeks, depending on fast my colleague heals from her surgery. This is always a challenge of time-management with the day job and life in general, so I try to be proactive and work on my sermons ahead as I have the time. When I saw this Sunday's lectionary a couple weeks ago I literally said, "God, you have GOT to be kidding!" I thought about avoiding the whole thing by going with one of the OT readings or the Epistle, but I got to thinking that Mark is judicious what he includes, so you know, there's just got to be some Good News in there somewhere! So I set myself the task of finding it and this is what ensued. It preached pretty well this morning at my place, and I will be giving it another go in a little while at the nursing home.

A “perplexed” king, a seductive dancing girl and a beheaded prophet. What on earth does any of this have to do with Jesus? Well here it is before us in the Gospel of Mark, and we know that Mark’s purpose was to tell us of “the good news* of Jesus Christ, the Son of God”. How on earth does this work, we might wonder? Jesus does not even show up in this Gospel, let alone do any of the things he is usually about in Mark. So, what’s the point?

I have to admit, when I saw that this reading was the one assigned in the lectionary for this Sunday, my first reaction was less than enthusiastic. And I had to ask that question, too. Why on earth tell this story then or now? What could possibly be the good news here?

Let’s start with the big picture. John, as we know was a prophet. Just like Amos, whom we heard from in the Old Testament reading this morning. Prophets. The scriptures are full of them. In addition to Amos, we have Abraham, Moses, Samuel, Hosea, Isaiah, Micah, Jeremiah, Habakkuk, Zephaniah, Nahum, Jonah, and Ezekiel. And of course there were the women …Sarah Miriam, Deborah, Hannah, Abigail, Huldah, Esther and many many more. Prophets. Those who told the truth about God. Because that is what a prophet does. Whether he or she does it willingly and fearlessly or only after great prodding and with some reluctance…the prophet is called to stand and tell the truth that “God is here and wants you to join in relationship with God to bring about God’s kingdom.” The prophets appear when something has gone amiss in relationships. When injustice and opression are front and center, when hatred, not love are ruling…a prophet’s voice is heard crying out. And it is inevitably and always a call to conversion, a call to repentance, a call to acting like the kingdom of God is at hand right here and now.

Because that was John’s message…he said it at the very beginning when he burst out of the wilderness…”Repent for the kingdom of God is near.” And people were apparently stirred up by this wild and wooly man. This prophet John was not a mainstream kind of guy. He lived in the wilderness. He did not dress well or act refined. He was out there at the edge and he preached a rather unsettling message. And yet something about him and what he had to say drew people, at least some people, in. We hear in the Gospel that “The whole Judean countryside and all the people of Jerusalem went out to him. Confessing their sins, they were baptized by him in the Jordan River.”

The kingdom of God is near. Imagine a world where the radical love of God is the dominating force…a world where we would wage peace instead of war, where we would strive for generosity not acquisition, where justice and mercy would be common, and tolerance and concern for others would be an everyday thing. It would be a world in which it would be safe enough for all to be vulnerable, safe enough for all to live and love freely as God loves. God’s kingdom, the world we are created for in God’s great dream for God’s beloved ones. God’s kingdom is near….we need only repent. This very same message of God’s kingdom being near is not only John’s message but it is the one that Jesus preached and lived, and it is the same message that Jesus instructed his followers to proclaim. This is the good news and at least one of the reasons why this particular story appears in the middle of Mark’s Gospel.

Not everyone of course was happy with John’s message. The end to John’s life reads like something off the tabloid news. Herod had broken up his brother Phillip's marriage in order to take Herodias as his wife. John had confronted Herod with his message of repentance and the nearness of God’s kingdom, and talked to Herod about the problems with his marriage to Herodias, which upset her greatly. In order to placate Herodias, Herod had John arrested. This, despite the fact that we are told that Herod personally felt John to be a righteous and holy man, and even enjoyed listening to his “perplexing” message. At Herod’s birthday party, the evening’s entertainment was provided by the daughter of Herodias and Phillip, also named Herodias. She so enchanted Herod that he told her that she could have anything she wanted. She consulted her mother, who told her to ask for John’s head. Herod seemingly does not want to grant the request, but does not have the strength of will to refuse and look foolish in front of his guests, who had heard him make his promise to give her anything she asked. So poor “grieved” Herod does as she asks. And John, prophet of repentence and teller of truth bout the nearness of God’s kingdom, is killed.

Jesus continued to preach this message and to live it out in his own life and death. Repenting. Turning our hearts and our lives another way. The only way that God’s kingdom can come is to turn our lives to another way of being…not to the world’s way but to God’s. Entrance into God’s kingdom requires a choice to believe that in Jesus, God’s kingdom on earth indeed is near. And, more importantly as followers of Jesus we are the ones charged with carrying the prophetic message about that kingdom. The choice to do this of course is a challenging counter-cultural one. It flies in the face of much that the world says is important. Sometimes the message is perplexing. Sometimes it requires that we make hard choices and take risks, taking the chance that others will reject the message and even shoot (or behead) the messenger.
John’s listeners were encouraged to take action – “repent” is a verb. In its most literal sense repentance involves turning ourselves from one course to another, stopping, changing direction, setting off in a new way. And being a follower of Jesus may sometimes require that of us. As one writer pointed out, the earliest and most radical Christian form of confession was simple. “Jesus is Lord.” Not money or power or possessions are our lords and masters. Not righteousness, or winning, or being the best and brightest. Not getting it right, or being in control or triumphing over. In the kingdom of God, Jesus is Lord. This Jesus who gave us one commandment -- to love one another as God loves us. John urged his listeners to prove their spiritual intentions by concrete deeds. Perhaps repenting, then, is not the only verb required. Love, too is demonstrated in action, turning our lives more and more to resemble this Jesus whose disciples we are by virtue of our baptismal covenant. As another prophet, Micah tells us, to “Do justice, love kindness and walk humbly with your God.”

John’s prophetic call was to repent, to make our crooked ways straight, to flatten the hills and to make space for the coming of God’s kingdom here on earth. May it be so. Amen.

Friday Five: Exercise

Sophia says: "I just got back from an 8 mile bike ride down the beach boardwalk near our home, and was struck with the number of people out enjoying physical activity. Runners, other cyclists, surfers, swimmers, dogwalkers, little kids on scooters....It's easy to lose track of my physical self-care in the midst of flurried preparation for a final on-campus interview Monday for a college teaching position in the Midwest (prayers welcome!) and the family move that would accompany it. But each day that I do make time to walk or ride my bike it is such a stress reliever that it is well worth the time invested!So how about you and your beautiful temple of the Holy Spirit?"

1. What was your favorite sport or outdoor activity as a child? I have just been having some great conversations about this with R as we visited my old hometown. As a kid I loved to ride my bike and would do so for hours and for long distances. My favorite ride was out to a beautiful park that is built up on the bluffs overlooking the Mississippi River. I'd ride out there with my journal and literally spend the day, riding, dreaming, writing and thinking. As we drove up and through the park it brought back great memories of those days, and also amazed me a bit with my ability to do those hills!

2. P.E. class--heaven or the other place? Oh the other indeed! I was a chubby little unathletic kid. The classic "last one picked" for all the team activities and the child the PE teachers loved to hate. In high school as students from the Catholic girls high with no gym, we were bussed across town to the public school gym for PE and were subject to the catcalls of the guys as they watched us do our jumping jacks in our cute blue jumpsuits out on the track. I managed to wipe out on the cinder track in fine form the week before graduation and graduated in a knee brace. Oh, yeah...I loved PE!

3. What is your favorite form of exercise now? Yoga gave me back my body. It was the beginning of my actually beginning to reside in myself. I also like to walk and to do anything that feels dance-y. Biking is coming back into my life, too. I bought myself a bike for my birthday and R and I took our first cruise the other night. It was quite an adventure. He had a flat that required bike shop intervention. I lost a pedal! That one meant we had to walk the bikes over to his work, so he could get some tools to put it back before we could ride home. While there we discovered that my tire needed air, so we had to detour to the gas station. But it was fun anyway, and we are hoping that we worked all the kinks out!

4. Do you like to work out solo or with a partner? It depends on the activity. Yoga is a solo thing for me, walking and biking, I like a friend along but will do alone if need be....other "exercise for the sake of exercise" is a necessary evil and I'll do it however.

5. Inside or outside? Again, depends... but outside overall and strangely enough, the hotter the better. Heat and humidity energize me. Nothing like yoga on the beach, or a bike ride with the air blowing on a hot day. I know....people tell me all the time. But it works for me!

Bonus: Post a poem, scripture passage, quotation, song, etc. regarding the body or exercise. While this isn't about the body or exercise exactly....it came to me from one of my yoga teachers at a yoga retreat in Mexico that was a very special experience in terms of reclaiming my body and so it does have that connection for me.....

The Guest House by Rumi
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

You Can't Save All the Starfish...Can You?

As anyone who reads this blog knows, I have been a freely admitting and unabashed Pollyanna about humanity most of the time. My stance has been that I will, until proven otherwise, give folks the benefit of the doubt, believing that their behavior makes sense (at least in their little scheme of things) and that generally they are doing the best they can to get by, and that when they do things that are stupid, hurtful and thoughtless, they really don't mean them in the worst possible way. I excuse a lot, and let people get by with a fair amount. While in many ways this is a trait I like about myself, I think it is also a form of denial that has kept me in some rather insane situations longer than I needed to stay there, and that has allowed others to manipulate me right under my nose while I blithely went along in complete blissful ignorance. R will tell you right up front that he is far more pessimistic about humanity than "Polly" is. When we were first dating we laughed about that bell curve....he the outlier on one side, me on the other. So the two of us together....a good balance?

He has helped me attain some very important clarity about at least one instance of Polly being manipulated by someone. This was a very good thing as it had gone on way too long and it was way past time for clarity. The funny thing was....he didn't have to say a word. He simply witnessed an exchange between me and this person. That was all it took....me observing him observing us....a small mid-course correction, and suddenly I was balanced in a whole new way in that relationship, walking with clarity and confidence along that particular tightrope .

We have been having some serious talks this week about how and with whom we choose to spend our time and energy. Polly still wants to save the world, but she is very, very tired. And she is beginning to see that not everyone wants to be saved. Some of the starfish will persist in crawling back onto the shore no matter how many times you toss them into the ocean. They are that determined to self-destruct. So it is about discernment, too, I guess. I cannot work harder on other people's lives than they do. I have known this professionally for a long time. Perhaps it is a truth that needs to come out into my personal world. I think saving people has been one of my avocations as well as my job. I have been drawn to the wounded birds and the strays. To the needy ones. Yes, it had its payoffs....and its costs. And I think I'm done. After all, you can't walk the tightrope with any kind of grace when your pole is being gabbed by others. It is my pole and I need it for balance. Maybe it's time I take that a little more seriously.