I feel in some very important sense like I am coming back to myself. There was that blogger's block, which was pretty short lived. But there has been some other stuff lately that I have not been able to shake. I have felt flat, cranky, disconnected from my center. I knew what some of it was about, and I was doing what I could do handle it. But despite that, it persisted, and I DID NOT LIKE IT! The part of me that Knows Things smiles as I write this. Of course not. It was not pleasant, not of my creation nor in my control, why would I like it? It does not meet any of the basic criteria!
I talk a lot to my clients about letting go, about radical acceptance and what that means. Not that you like how things are, or even necessarily are ok with them, but that you allow that life is what it is. "Life on life's terms" as an old co-worker used to say. That there is a third alternative between the two common ones of pushing away (or stuffing) and falling off the deep end into whatever it is that is going on and letting it consume us. And that choice (for truly it is one), is simply being compassionately with ourselves in the midst of it. And what I cannot always say to them, but can to myself, is remembering that God is there too, lovingly in the midst of it with me. Whether I feel God there or not. And that is part of the radical acceptance too. That God is there whether I am in a place where I can feel God with me or not. It is not about God after all. God is the Unchanging One. I am the fickle changer. The one who does not see. Does not know. Does not feel.
So tonight it is better. A frank conversation with a couple of team members. Some good alone time. A couple of good night's sleep. A soak in the hot tub with a good glass of wine. Making it through the Bishop's visit. Remembering to breathe. Showing up on the mat, for prayer, and with the Scriptures. Doing the things that I know I need to do, the things I know will ultimately see me through are once again bringing me to that better place. I am still in the woods, but there at the edge there is something brighter, and once again I know I will come out into the light.