"The choice is always between my quiet mind and my busy mind. Whenever possible I will turn my moments of asking into moments of silent listening and gentle watching. My function today is to step quietly around disbelief and confusion. I will stop heeding and reacting to my agitated ego and make instead a peaceful flow of thoughts my goal and my preoccupation."
That seems like a good goal and aim. I seem pretty reactive, even to myself these days and I don't like it. Of course patience with myself has never been my strong suit and I don't know why I think just because I'm "going through something" now should be any different. I find I have a kind of "buck up and get on" mentality that wars with a kind of desire to wallow. Neither of these pleases me. I'd like rather to go with that peaceful flow and gentle watching, just breath by breath, grace by grace doing the next right thing. But even that perhaps is a tall order for one human, slightly battered.
When it comes right down to it I don't know that I've been really really sure just how much "bad" behavior is permitted, how much stamping of feet and raising of voice and qvetching one can do before crossing some invisible line. There was none permitted at home. A mild expression of opinion was "sassing" and merited banishing. There was none at school as ultimate authority was clear and ruled. The sin books didn't really address social behavior, as I guess what we did wasn't all that important as long as we weren't adultering (bold type remember). This brings me up against that disconcerting feeling that I have been having now and again lately that there was something I missed, some instruction, some meeting, some class I didn't get the memo about that talked about how to do some of this life stuff.
I have been having some very helpful conversations with unexpected people. A coworker who out of the blue told me that she has been through a very similar kind of breakup, and that she and her "ex dear one" are now the closest and best of friends, "almost more family than family, really," she tells me. Soul Sister S who shared a wonderful quote with me during our walk of the Maggies. A wonderful surprise call from a RevGal. And a card came in the mail from my MDG guru D offering love and support. And there are all of the e-mails and comments and prayers. I do feel so loved and supported in the midst. It would stop me, I think, from too much foot stomping. It's so hard to do that with any kind of grace. And grace does abound.
2 comments:
Oh, go ahead and stomp your feet! I think I inherited an experience it, get it over with attitude about frustration, anger, sadness from my mother. I'm learning to live in those feelings a little better. After all, God created us as emotional beings. So stomp your feet if you want. When it feels foolish, you'll know you're done.
amen. to you, and to mid-life rookie. There can't be any wrong way to go about living in the midst of all this turmoil and pain.
prayers with you as you walk (or stomp) through this tough time.
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