What Makes Me Tired

This was the question the first night on the BE....reflect on what makes you tired. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, because I am....tired. Tired in a way that I have rarely been. The kind of tired that feels like if I slept for ninety days I would still be tired. The kind of tired that makes me look at things that would normally make me fizzy or excited and go "oh." Soul tired. Being a good reflective sort, of course I have a pretty good idea of what is behind a lot of this.

There is the life stuff of course. I am "Going Through Things." And that does take it out of a person. And the number of people (an amazing amount actually) who don't seem to get the fact that even though I fully understand that this break-up is a good and necessary thing (that may have even been to some extent of my doing), it is still emotionally devastating, and to whom I have to explain that I am in pain.

And there is the stew of feelings that come up at time like this towards the other half of the relational equation....once set free of the fact that we are trying to make this work as a going concern right now, it seems to give permission for previously tethered things to surface, on both parts. Both parties seem to hold some strong beliefs about "the way things are and the way things ought to be" and let me just say, they don't match.

And then there is the "doing it well in public" part of all of this. Living my life in this little goldfish bowl, I feel some pressure, induced probably mostly by myself, to do this with grace and dignity and have some meaning come out of this for others as well as myself. For example, modeling direct communication with our congregation, being the "good leader" during this time, all that stuff.

And the cleaning and claiming....which is tiring simply because it is much. Once again I look at all the crap I have accumulated while somehow I wasn't paying attention...and because this seems like a time of a new start, I want to purge and toss and begin fresh. I am tired of being owned by stuff. So out it goes. And yes I am a little obsessed about it. Many years ago when I went through a breakup I became obsessed with the crumbs on the counter tops. I had the cleanest counters in the universe. That was a lot simpler. So far I have done the bathroom, started the laundry room, done half the kitchen and pulled up a rug in a now empty bedroom. This is the deal, I can't stay focused on one place. Yeah. That focus thing again. Tired.

The other part of tired is that it's all caught up with me. All the running I've been doing for all these years in order not to be right here where I have gotten to. The three jobs, the manic busyness, the frantic running so as not to face this place in myself that asks these very hard questions about such very important and scary things. And all it really got me was tired...and I ended up here all the same. I think there is a life lesson in here somewhere.

So mostly these days I am putting one foot in front of the other. Some days that takes like ten minutes or so. I have to think about it. Literally. Put. The Foot. Out. If it weren't for the prayers and love of friends and God's good grace, I'm not sure I could. I hold carrots out in front of myself. On short sticks...."Finish this task and ...... you can see the Soul sisters.....or read blogs.....or sleep." On longer sticks...."Only four more weeks till the Festival of Hommies." I am trying to practice self care, saying yes to less things, taking more downtime. I am reading a trashy novel and a magazine, sleeping a lot, taking my B vitamins, walking my doggie. I am crying a lot....I don't know if that is self-care, but it happens and I let it. I am trying to just tell people what I am feeling and ask for what I need. That also makes me tired because it does not come naturally, but I know it is good for me, so I am practicing and trusting it will all get better in time.