Wednesday, April 30, 2008

It Is What It Is

I'm guessing you might like to hear me write about something else besides what is going on in my life right now. I'd actually like to write about something else besides what is going on in my life right now. But I'm afraid we are all out of luck as I seem to be in this kind of all consuming foggy place where it is pretty much all I think about, talk about, obsess about and write about here and elsewhere. I am so grateful that God has gifted me with patient and kind friends, in my blog and unblog life all of whom are much kinder and more compassionate than I am to myself.

I guess I am on verse three of that country song. Verse one was the one about how it's nobody's fault and we are loving and kind and riding the high road together. Verse two was the sad and lonely verse....house full of empty, heart full of sad. Now we are hitting verse three... the angry verse. Dirty looks and nasty notes, and things done by the other just because they know and they can and they will. The verse where reality hits and reality bites and suddenly breaking up doesn't seem like it was such a bad idea after all. But the chorus is still more sad than anything. Oh, I am angry, make no mistake, but it's a frustrated kind of mad, frustrated that it does not have to be this way. We had some ground rules set to protect us both and they were not kept. I am angry and sad about that, and said so. There was backlash about my speaking up. Now I am angry and sad about that, too. It doesn't have to be this way. We could do this a better way, really we could. So it seems there is nothing more to say at this point. It is what it is. I don't know about the next verse. We seem to be in new territory here.

So in the midst of all of this, because I really do want to write and think about something else, or at least try to open myself to a different way of looking at all of it, this Rumi poem came back into my life this morning. This poem is an old friend from the first time I went to Mexico for the yoga retreat. I think it has something to say to me today about where everything is in my life. I talk to my clients a lot about how nothing is wasted if we can find meaning. So I guess the question becomes for me today, what meaning do I find in this unexpected turn of events....in this change from the "friendly time apart while we work on things" to "mortal combat" in the blink of an eye and without my consent. How do I welcome and entertain this unexpected (and out of control) new business in my life and all that might come with it? How do I deal with this new crowd of sorrows and continue to trust that perhaps this is a spring cleaning, that perhaps there is a point to it all that I can't see. Oh yeah, back to that darn trust and submission.....again! I used to read this daily, sometimes more than once. Convinced I was that there was Big Truth here for me. I think perhaps it is no accident that I opened Explore Faith this morning and there was Rumi with "my poem" right here, right now. At least it gives me something else to think about besides verse three. Anger was getting old.

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, depression, a meanness, some momentary awareness comes as an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house empty of its furniture, still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing, and invite them in.
Be grateful for whoever comes,

because each has been sent as a guide from beyond.

15 comments:

Tandaina- said...

I posted that one as a poetry share recently because it hits me so well. There is a lot of wisdom there, but the trick is in the "how." I've yet to really figure out the how.

Prayers for the next verse of your song.

mid-life rookie said...

Other people's pain can sure come out in ugly ways. You know that. I know that. Knowing it doesn't seem to help when the ugliness is being dumped on you and when you are dealing with your own pain too. I think the final verse will be an I've grown from this, but I'd just as soon not grow in this way anymore thank you very much! Praying for both of you.

Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

I think, with the place you're in now, it's perfectly appropriate for you to hash through your emotions as much as you need to.

That's a lovely poem. I think it's going to require that I think on it for a while.

And if you don't mind receiving hugs from a stranger, I send you hugs.

RevDrKate said...

Yes T, the "how" is really the trick, isn't it? Thanks for the prayers.

Rookie, you have hit that nail on all it's little heads! Thanks for all your prayers and support.

Thanks, Ruth, I will take all the hugs that come my way, and somehow you really don't feel much like a stranger, but a new friend.

imngrace said...

I have read your posts often, but not really offered comment. Now might be a good time to do that.

Feeling all of the emotions you have is a good thing. I've been there. I know how much it hurts and how much you want to think on other things and do other things and stop being identified with it all. I wish I could say it will go away soon, but I don't know if it will be soon.

The hardest part is the broken promises and ground rules. That happened to me, too. Continue to uphold your part of the promise--even though it's hard and hurts and you don't feel like it.

Try to breathe. I found myself holding my breath far too much in my situation and not breathing in the prayers and comfort and support of others. Be gentle with yourself. Cut yourself a break and know that you are not alone. Prayers are being lifted for you by many and God keeps God's promises to us--no matter what ugliness shows up in our lives.

Do what you need to do in order find peace in this difficult and painful situation and don't apologize for it. You are a strong, courageous, and grace-filled woman. It doesn't feel like it now, I'm sure. But trust me, you are.

Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

Thank you, Kate. The feeling is mutual.

Songbird said...

Such truth in that poem, so glad you have it to keep close right now.

The Vicar of Hogsmeade said...

Kate, stay up here on the high road. Keep the agreement from this point forward because it is the right thing to do. It's harder and it's better. You can do it even if there is no reciprocity. (((kate)))

God_Guurrlll said...

((Kate))

RevDrKate said...

Again, thanks to you all for your concern, support and hugs.

Grace, thanks for your comments, empathy from one who has walked the road is especially meaningful right now. I need that reminder to breathe and let in the support and goodness. It is easy to feel like the mud that is being slung is the truth of who I am.

And Vicar I know you too know whereof you speak regarding those high roads. Thanks.

Mary Beth said...

Aw...sweet you. Blessings for joy and peace soon.

Diane said...

(((Kate)))

writing as eliza said...

a bit late, and I'm sorry for that, but prayers for you, as always, in what sounds like just such an difficult and trying time. Prayers that the anger subsides--in due time, and after being sufficiently engaged in of course!--and that you find peace and beauty within yourself and in those places around you.

Katherine E. said...

Hope the total ministry retreat was good, Kate.

Prayers for you on this journey. I hope thing have calmed down considerably since Wednesday...

Kate said...

It's your blog, hun, and it's about what you want it to be about -- or need it to be about. It needs to be about you and your life right now, and that's _fine_. Remember that self care thing we're all so bad at?

Hugs, too. You are loved.