Mornings are definitely the hardest times still. It is the first thing that hits me when I wake up, this unfinished business, this thing that hangs over my life and stands to alter it forever. This thing over which I have no power. I have been dreaming a lot since the falling shoes event. Complex and endless sagas full of interweaving plot lines full of complications and drama. I am often called upon to save someone or take some risk. I often wake up before I get to find out whether or not I succeeded at my quest. And when I wake up, it is there. The great unknown. I spoke to someone last week who is "processing" a piece of this. There will be no news any time soon..late December maybe, but more likely January sometime. That is a very long time.
Fear is a very sneaky thing. It just nibbles away in such tiny little bites that sometimes you don't even know its having at you. It whispers its little half truths so seductively that you can be lulled all the way into a new country of terror before you even know you left your safe home.
I'm afraid all of this is making me a bit bold with God. I find am pleading more in prayer. I don't know quite how I feel about that, but I guess I am certainly in good company throwing myself on God's mercy. I find myself asking for specific outcomes, not something I generally do in prayer, and I'm not sure how it sits with me, to tell the truth. But when I wake up and find myself at the same time crying and praying, it comes from where it comes from....and all I can do is pay attention.