I have been trying not to think much about the whole falling shoes business. There is no point to thinking about it. When last I heard from the "official world" there were ten similar situations on the desk, I was in the second five. This was the first desk. There are two more desks before we get to the decision place. Yep lots of hoops before we get anywhere near knowing anything. So I figure the back burner is a good place for this. I have done everything I can do except for the praying...and you all are doing splendidly in that department, too. I can tell. And I was doing pretty well with this. I had kind of stopped obsessing. I had started sleeping again, smiling again, having fun again. I have been thinking about other things, my newly interesting social life for example....which is way more fun to think about than this thing. Until today. Today I was hit with a new thing. Today I found out that I am going to have to disclose information about this thing to people that I would just as soon not have to.....While it is in process, before there are conclusions , I must say, "yep, there are shoes, they fell, here's the story, all the details...." It seems never to end, the consequences of what I did because it was the right thing, the only thing. My first response this morning was to just quit. I want to give up, run away, hang it up now. How many more surprises like this are there I wonder? There have already been so many costs to this thing. I am wondering what else I could do, what else I could love besides this job. Or maybe wanting to love it is asking too much. Having had that once....I should perhaps just be grateful. I know I can do other things, I have. I have in fact done lots of other things. All the way from managing a hardware store to professoring. I am resourceful, and I could find a way to do with less if I had to. I do not like this place. I want to be back where I was before this morning, back in the place of faith that said "no matter what." I also want to settle back into being ok with not knowing and not feeling like I have to act. I really don't want to do anything stupid....like tender a resignation, pack up the dog and run off into the sunset!
It is almost Advent. Advent is very up there for favorite liturgical season. Usually I love the waiting, the sense of anticipation. This year I'm not so sure. Anticipation hasn't been my favorite thing of late. I've ordered an Ignation Exercises book I plan to start in Advent. I've started daily yoga again. The intentions are good. I have started asking God very directly for a good ending for this thing. As I've said before that has not been my prayer style. But desperate times, you know. Way back at the beginning I was told that if everything went very very fast I could know something very early in the new year. If that were to happen, and the outcome is the best possible one, it could mean a great deal to me in some very important ways. So that is what I am asking for. And hoping. God is holding my life. Yes, I know. In the fear and the darkness, in the pain and frustration. The faithheart knows while the rest of me is having my little meltdown. I think it might be time to find my wing and head for that back burner again.