I spent the night discerning. That means I didn't get a lot of sleep. Back in the days when I used to think I did this all myself, this translates into the fact that I was facing a decision. Not life or death, but important, it has some ramifications beyond me and I wanted to try to make the choice that is best all around. I 've come to peace, I've made my choice and committed and now it all seems ok and simple. At 2 a.m. however, it was much more complex and fraught with potential complications, somehow. Why is that?
Here's the thing. I have been invited to participate, on behalf of my congregation, in a very interesting project at the Diocesan level. There are lots of people I really like and admire involved and I am very flattered to be asked. And therein lies the problem. I do think that overall there is great potential for good here. For my congregation and for the bigger world of this goes forward. But I'm questioning my motives a bit. Do I want to engage in this because of those higher motives or because I am flattered to be asked and it will be fun to engage in this really splendid learning opportunity with some really fine and high-powered minds that think about mission in ways that I have not had an opportunity to do before? And is it ok to do it if it is a bit about me?
At 2 am my conscience prickled. In the light of day something in me said, "Go!" All the doors fell open and the obstacles fell away, often a good test for me of what something is about. I am going and hoping that this voice is the Spirit and not simply my ego!