Friday Five: Books and More Books Edition

Jan says: "I hope some of you received books for Christmas presents; I did and have been reading ever since. Then I discovered a new author from those recommendations that pop up on Amazon.com. Instead of buying those books, I've been checking them out at the library, which will not help Amazon's future recommendations for me at all. So tell us what you're reading, what you would and would not recommend--five books or authors! And if you don't want to do that freestyle, here are some questions:"
1. What books have you recently read? Tell us your opinion of them. I DID get a book for Christmas from my husband's lovely daughter.  It's Blink by Malcolm Gladwell and I am reading and enjoying this thoughtful delve into how we know those things we just know in the "blink of an eye."  I'm also reading Christianity for the Rest of Us which is making me by turns inspired and, I have to say, a little wistful.  Also just starting David Bach's Start Late, Finish Rich which I got for .01 on Amazon (and of course $3.99 for shipping, but still a good deal.) So far it's in sync with what I've seen on his website and in his earlier works...upbeat hopeful..."YOU can DO IT!!!" I can...but will I? Also reading Little Women on the android Nook just because it was a free download and I am between books and haven't had time to go get more.  I just finished Patricia Cornwell's Port Mortuary on the Nook, a Kay Scarpetta mystery. Always a good escape read.  And before that there was a Jodi Piccoult.  Got a gift card for the Nook from my sweetie for Christmas, so gotta shop before the BE! I'm actually thinking of getting a full size Nook or Kindle.  Me the queen of books liking a "device"....who'd a thought! But I love having five or six "at hand" without the lugging!

2. What books are awaiting your available time to be read?
There are piles...one the coffee table, beside the bed, in the office(s)...I don't even know what is in them anymore.  Books I bought, books people gave me, loaned me. Someday they will float up (or not) and get read (or not) or returned (or not).  So here's notice, if you ever loaned me a book, and you want it back, please tell me, it may be in that pile!
3. Have any books been recently recommended? I'm sure they have, but apparently I did not write them down...and sigh....they are gone where ever in brain such things go to hide of late.

4. What genre of books are your favorite, along with some titles and/or authors you like best? For just plain old escape I love me a mystery, especially with a women protagonist.  I like "cozies." I like things set in Minnesota, so Joanne Fluke's little baker/crime solver Hannah Swenson is a favorite as is anything by John Sandford or William Kent Krueger.  I'm also hooked on Julia Spencer Fleming and her  Rev.Clare Fergussen, Episcopal priest, ex-military pilot, crime junkie and thoroughlyy human woman.

5. What have you read lately that you have a strong urge to recommend? (or to condemn?) The above mentioned Blink is a fun and informative read.  I keep wanting to interrupt R at whatever he's doing to say "Did you know....." So he's now reading it along with me.  Thank you lovely daughter, good choice!

January Blogging NaBloPoMo

Today's Prompt: Write about something you feel should not have been invented.

I'm struggling here.  I have a hard time with absolutes. There are some things that come to mind as inventions we might well have been better off without.  The atom bomb might be one choice.  But from some of the research and development  that spawned that weapon also came things that were useful.  So there you go. Yin and yang rather than black and white. 

I have problems in general with should.  It's one of those non-negotiable words.  Like its friends must and ought and cousins always and never. Very absolute those words are.  Up against the wall and rigid they get us in our thinking. Personally, I like a little more breathing room, a little more space and movement for things to flow.

Perhaps there are things I would prefer that there were not flying loose in the world for unwise people to get hold of.  Were it my choice, atoms and their power would be used judiciously (if at all) and only for peace, and weapons of any sort (including inciting words)  would be carefully guarded and their use would the very very very last resort as a way to ever decide an outcome.

But to censor invention, even in imagination takes me to a place where I would not prefer to go.

Time to Get Up and Play the Friday Five

Singing Owl says: "Where I am it is dark, and it is cold, and it is snowing. I really wanted to stay in bed with the electric blanket cranked this morning. Share five things that made getting out of bed worthwhile for you today!"

Oh Amen to that!  Let's see....not even sure I can come up with five..

1. It's FRIDAY and that means I don't have to get up quite so early in the dark and the cold tomorrow.
2. It's only 43 days till the BE (really can that be true?!?!)
3. It's only 71 days the first day of Spring (not that this really means anything here in the frozen north.  We once had 19 inches of snow on the 19th of April.  I'm just sayin'
4. It's less than six months till our next adventure. Not a lot to be said on that yet, but plans are being made, and each day there is something to do that gets me up to face the day and moves me forward toward it.
5. And last but certainly not least, I got to see that sweet face that makes every day worth getting up for. Ok, I know, I know....but gimme a break, we are still newlyweds!

January Blogging NaBloPoMo (Thursday)

Yesterday's prompt because I forgot.....What's the biggest lie you ever told?


I think I was about eleven or so.  My friend Pam and I, for reasons known only to two silly girls drank a part of one of my dad's beers from the fridge on a hot summer afternoon.  And then we left the partial bottle in the refrigerator, which was the first mistake.  In my house, there were no partial bottles, ev-er.  If we had finished the bottle and put it with the rest of the empties, there would like have been no issue.  However, we didn't, and when questions were asked, I compounded the first problem with my biggest (and dumbest!) lie ever..."How did it get there?" "Well I guess dad left it." Busted! Mom of course told dad we drank his beer and I was duly punished and Pam was not permitted to come over again for a while. Yup, lesson learned. 

January Blogging NaBloPoMo

Today' prompt: What do you prefer listening to, music with lyrics or music without?

As my sweetie is fond of doing when I ask him some random either/or question, I'll just say, "Yes."

I know, grammatically that makes no sense, but irrationally I got kind of irky at the prompt..."You want me to choose?" Why?!? There's a time and place for everything and lyrics are one of those things, too.  When I just need me some background music...something to settle or soothe me, or something to read or write along to, then lyrics can just get in the way, or be distracting and at that point there is nothing like some lovely lush instrumentals...cellos, harps and pianos are high on my lists.  But when I am workin' me up a sweat on the treadmill, or trying to get my rear in gear into a cleaning project....I need to SING to something wild and upbeat to get my blood flowing and my energy moving. So do I have a preference for one over the other? It  all depends on the situation.

January Blogging NaBloPoMo

Today's prompt: What's the most fun you've had without laughing?


Baptising people, and blessing them runs a close second.  I haven't had a lot of opportunities to do the former, 2 to be precise, one sweet baby and my friend L. But I get to do the latter often, and it never ceases to amaze me what an absolutely amazing holy wonderful thing it is to be the conduit and channel of this gracefilled offering to God's people.  I cannot bless people without smiling.

January Blogging NaBloPoMo

Today's Prompt: Find a quote that fits your intention for today and tell us both of them.

Thumper: He doesn't walk very good, does he?

Mrs. Rabbit: Thumper!
Thumper: Yes, mama?
Mrs. Rabbit: What did your father tell you this morning?
Thumper: [clears throat] If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all.

It's Monday in the almost middle of January.  It's snowing...again, for what feels like gazillionith time already this year.  It's cold, it's dark and it seems as if there is no end in sight.  Stressors abound on various sides in my world.  And yet these melt away in comparison to to the really big bad and dark things around us.  The Arizona shooting that has stunned all of us in its absolute senseless brutality, a wonderful friend who has just received a cancer diagnosis that even with it's best prognosis will change her life forever, the sadness and problems that my clients bring me that sometimes feel insurmountable and endless.

There is an absolute temptation to cave in to the darkness and despair.  To say things that are indeed "not nice" on so many levels.  So my intention today is to follow Mrs. Rabbit's advice and to be thoughtful about my words.  To try to be silent if I can't be helpful and if I can't make things better in some way....at least don't contribute to the problem.  Not bad advice from a rabbit.

Friday Five: Holiday Redux Edition

kathrynzj says "Not so fast, revgals and pals!!! Yes, I know it's January and yes, I know some of us are still on a cool sprint after only a brief respite (if that) from Advent and Christmas BUT... before we move too far along into The Next, I wanted to give us a chance to reflect on What Was. A couple of staff members and I sat down today and wrote down what worked and didn't work during the Advent and Christmas season. There are quite a few things bearing down on us at the moment so it was a discipline to do it, but ten and a half months from now Future Me is going to LOVE that we made the effort. And so partly to give us all a record and partly to give us all a chance to reflect on the 2010 Holiday Season now that we are out of it, I ask you this:"
1) What food item was one of your favorites this year - a definite keeper? The oyster stew R made for us the day after Christmas (simply becasue it didn't fit anywhere else in the plan) is definitely a keeper in the holiday menu traditions in our new family unit.
2) Was there a meal or party or a gathering that stands out in your mind from this mose recent holiday season? One tradition that I have been part of now for a few years that is special to me is the community meal on Christmas Eve that my friends over at the Presby church do each year before their candlelight service.  I started helping prepare and serve, then two years ago R joined in, and now it's part of our Christmas tradition.  This year was bittersweet with memories and anticipation.
3) Were you involved in a jaw-dropper gift? Were you the giver or recipient or an on-looker? Well I don't know that I'd go so far as "jaw-dropping" but I did make my long-suffering husband go on a scavenger hunt for the tonneau cover I got him for the new truck.  It was too big to wrap so I'd hidden it in the basement and took him all over the house with rhyming clues to find it.  I thought it was kind of fun and hope he did.  Now if it ever warms up and stops snowing, we might actually get this nice gift ON the truck and get to make use of it!
4) Was there at least one moment where you experienced true worship? I did supply last weekend at my favorite small parish down the road. We celebrated Epiphany and it was very much an Epiphany in all the lovely ways that can be in worship.
5) What is at least one thing you want to make sure you do next year? Have a more Adventatious Advent. Didn't this year...not sure why, but next year, yeah, somehow, want to have that.
BONUS: What is something you absolutely must remember to do differently... or not at all! OR: If you just want to sum it all up in a few words, that will work too. See #5.  And maybe next year, the big tree again, with all the ornaments and the whole fa-la-la.

January Blogging NaBloPoMo

Today's prompt: Kant said that we require three things by which to measure happiness: someone to love, something we like to do, and something to look forward to. Who do you love, what do you like to do, and what are you looking forward to this year?



Who do you love?  Well the first person obviously who comes to mind is the sweet husband. This of course is a good thing! Seriously...I love this man more than I ever knew I could love anyone!  I also love my Soul Sisters and my soul friend C in deep and abiding ways that sustain me and feed my soul.  I have long loving friendships with people I have known for years and years...the kind you can call and pick up your last conversation from where you left off.  I have been very blessed to have these people to love. And of course last but not least....God.

What do you like to do?  Oh. My.  This could be a very LONG list.  I like my work for the most part.  I like being with people when they are dealing with important life stuff and empowering them to change things that are not working for them.  It feels like holy ground to me to be allowed so far into people's lives and to be trusted with their deepest selves.  I like being a priest...all the bits and parts of that....I like crafting sermons and preaching them, I like creating and doing good liturgy, I like doing pastoral care, I like being part of "big church" things that make a difference in the world.  I like singing, and reading.  I like being with people and being alone.  I like traveling (especially road trips with R in the Cooper).  I like cooking and trying new recipes.  I like writing of all sorts.  I like spending time with my "new" family. I like doing arsty things.  I like going to live performances of all kinds.  I like acting. I like being with my dog and being silly with her.  I like spending time doing just about anything (or absolutely nothing) with my husband. I like planting gardens (note I did not say weeding them however). I like listening to music...all kinds pretty much.  I'm starting to like working out, or at least the results.

What are you looking forward to this year? There are SUCH big changes afoot that are as yet unbloggable for various reasons.  But I am looking forward to them in many areas of my life! New adventures to be shared with my sweetie as well as continuing to be with friends, do what I love, learn new things and continue to grow and become more who I am. 

Of course I am also looking forward to 02/26/11! Can't wait to see old friends, meet new ones and to be at sea!!!!

January Blogging NaBloPoMo

Today's Prompt: Tell us about the day you were born.

Well, it's been a while,  so any memories I may have had are lost in time by now. :)  There weren't a lot of stories surrounding my birth day.  There was one about the day my mom came home and announced she was pregnant to my then thirteen and eighteen year old brothers.  The older of the two picked her up and apparently spun her until she was dizzy, so happy was he that she was pregnant and not ill with some dread disease that had been making her so tired and sick.  This was the same brother who got kind of sulky when she had to miss some of his high school graduation festivities due to being in labor!

I do have a "birth song" that my mother shared with me, and that follows like a golden thread through my life. Mom told me that when she was going into the labor room the last thing she heard was Gounod's Ave Maria playing on the hospital's sound system.  Again as she came out of recovery, that same song was playing, and again the day we were going home, just as we came out into the corridor to be wheeled downstairs, there it was, she said.  She insisted she did not hear it any other time all the while she was in the hospital (longer in those days!) So it became our song, hers and mine.  Every time I heard it I felt connected to her.  I had it sung at her funeral, my ordination and our wedding.  And this year on Christmas Eve, my friend CCM who sang it at our wedding sang it again in her lovely contralto in the beautifully candlelit Presbyterian church.  I quietly dampened R's shoulder with my tears as memories flooded me, and I knew that mom too, was there with us listening to our song.

January Blogging NaBloPoMo...

One thing I've been wanting to do in the New Year is blogging more, and I thought maybe doing the January NaBloPoMo would be a good start.  And then I didn't. So I'm going to start late and go on and see how it goes....
January 4: Who was your best friend when you were 10? Did you still know him or her when you were 20? When I was 10 my best friend was MaryJo G.  Her dad was the butcher across the street.  We played Barbies and I went with her and her parents almost every Sunday to Wisconsin to her cousin's roadhouse for dinner.  We also went to her other cousin's in the summer where there was an outdoor pool where I learned to swim.  Mary Jo and I were a year apart in school.  We did go to the asme high school, but once we got there we drifted apart, and they had moved out of the neighborhood as well.  We lost touch completely after she graduated, and by twenty I had no idea what had become of her.

Friday Five: New Year's Eve

Singing Owl Says: "I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions, but it does seem a good time for some reflection and planning. For the last few days I keep thinking of Psalm 90:12 So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. Among other things, that seems to say that reflection is in order if we want to learn and grow.For some of us, this has been an incredibly difficult year; for others it has been a year of many joys. For all of us, there have been challenges and questions and there have been blessings and--maybe even an answer or two! As we say our goodbyes to 2010 and look towards 2011, share with us five blessings from 2010 along with five hopes or dreams for 2011."

Five Blessings

Blessing Number One of 2010.....  I finally got to marry that man!

and with him came the multiple blessings of  his wonderful fun-loving family (note the rabbit ears!)

We had the resources to travel this year and we took some wonderful trips.  Our honeymoon of course included seeing RevGals in TX, and another trip later in the summer took us to see Soul Sister A in the South.

And of course where would I ever be without my Soul Sisters! Through thick, thin and all the way down the aisle, we are there for one another. They truly are one of my greatest blessings not just this year but every year.

.....as are good friends in general....one of the true blessings of my life and one that I will never take lightly. (If you wonder why they all look a little silly...they are blowing bubbles!)

Hopes and Dreams
Well since they haven't come to be yet...those pictures are only in my mind.  2011 promises to be quite a year in our lives.  One that will hold many changes that are still in the planning and not yet in the "public" stage.  But what I am hoping....

• health
• happiness
• peace
• joy
• prosperity

....and not just for us...but for everyone.  And my hope is that each of us can find ways to take seriously our part in making it happen, can take some small step every day to make the world just a little better place for all to live.
Happy New Year.

Monday on the edge of Christmas week....

It has been a very strange Advent.  It hardly seems possible that it's the beginning of the fourth, and last week, already.  I have not been in my church since Advent 1. The second Sunday I was scheduled for supply away and it was cancelled for weather, last Sunday WE Cancelled for weather, and yesterday I stayed home because I was personally a little under my own particular weather....and so it goes.  It's been strange in other ways, too.  I suspect it's partially the church  thing, but I'm feeling rather unprepared for Christmas in the sense of my spirit just not being ready. I feel rather disconnected from the whole business right now, a rather "going-through-the motions" sort of thing.

There are a whole host of reasons for this, I suspect.  I've alluded to the fact that there are some stressors in my work life right now that are making it less than a happy place to be eight hours a day five days a week.  I'm also feeling some stress in my church life that makes it a little harder than usual to be there, too. And there's that SAD thing that seems to have hit me harder than usual this year.  Maybe because winter seems to have come earlier than usual and with vengeance.  We have another 4-6" predicted for today.  It seems to never stop, and it's technically not even winter yet! It was our hope that this would be our last winter in the cold and snowy land.  We still hope that this is true, but I am less optimistic than I once was that we will actually be able to make a major move this year.  There are all sorts of reasons for this that have to do with technical rules and regs related to the licensure for my day job and how I was educated for it over ten years ago.  It seems that simply being educated for and having a license in a profession for a number of years in one state does not qualify one to obtain that same licensure in another. Oh if it were only that simple! So I'm feeling sort of glum about all of that right now.

And then there was the Lessons and Carols thing. Short story.  It got cancelled and I was glad.  Anyone who has been here for a while could not imagine that I would ever say that.  I could not imagine that I would ever be saying that.  But this year....yes. We have (well now it's had but that's another story) a new choir director.  He had his own ideas about things.  They did not include our traditional L and C but rather a much pared down version.  Somber Advent version.  Hymns, chants...from the Hymnal, lots of congregational singing.  All well and good I suppose.  But not our tradition.  He didn't ask, he just...decided.  There was to be but one rehearsal.  All that was needed really for this simple version.  It got pre-empted by a blizzard. So did the L and C. End of story. He's decided to step down after a very short tenure as CD.  It's ok.  He will stay as in the organist's rotation. That should work.

It's snowing.  It looks like that prediction is right on point. The cancellations are starting to come in. It will be a good day to catch up on end of year paperwork and maybe some much needed office cleaning. I have some really yummy leftovers to microwave for lunch, and a good book on my Nook to keep me occupied. The trick is to keep my brain busy and on task.  It likes to go off down dark little rabbit trails when left to it's own devices. So like a good minder, I must have things ready to keep it gainfully employed.

So begins the last week of the Advent that never really started. There's part of me that still wants to redeem it somehow. Get  out the wreath before it's all over. "Light the candles, banish the darkness" the small and ever-hopeful part of me says. Perhaps. Perhaps. I do know still where the box is stored.  It would not take so much to find it. One small act to beat back this gloom, one small defiance to claim this Christmas yet.

Friday Five: Christmases Past

Jan says: "Tell us about five Christmas memories you have."

Well like all things in life, there are those Christmases that are memorable in their wonderfulness, and then there are those that hold memories for other reasons.....and thinking back there are far more of the former

• I'll start with my best Christmas memory....my first Christmas with my sweet husband. We had been dating for a few months and I kinda had that feeling about this guy.  He was sweet and funny, cute and kind.  And he drove that hot little car!  Well Christmas Eve came, and I was, as I usually am on that day, helping my Presby friends get ready for their big annual community turkey dinner that precedes the evening service. R had mentioned that he might stop by after work.  And stop by he did! He arrived just as the prep was heating up, we were in need of an extension cord...he had one in the truck.  We needed someone handy with figuring out how to hook things up....no problem, he was on it.  And the next thing I knew he was in an apron next to me scooping mashed potatoes and chatting up the diners.  After dinner and clean up we went together to my friend C's lovely service where I thrilled to hear his bass next to my soprano on the carols.  After a little lull it was on to my church to get ready for our late service.  There too he pitched in, folding the bulletins, changing the hymn board, passing out the candles, just generally making himself very useful....yep he was a keeper.  One of our college kids, home for the break was, typically, the first to note to her godmother after the service...."Oh, I see Rev. Kate's got herself a guy."  Oh and indeed she did! My friends tell me of that Christmas it was written all over me that I was a goner for him.  It's very clear that was the year I got the best Christmas gift ever!
• This is one of those "oher ones." I don't remember why it was we moved on Decmber 21st. But we did. And everything that could go wrong pretty much did. Most of the promised moving crew failed to appear, it snowed (of course it did, it's Minnesota! It's December! Duh.) But it snowed a lot We measured it in feet as I recall. But we did finally get everything schlepped from point a to point b. And someone (perhaps it was me) insisted that there must be a tree. I was young and foolish. So on about the 23rd or 24th we went to get a tree. The pickings were slim by that point, but we found a tree, such as it was and hauled it through the snow, back to the apartment and....couldn't find the tree stand of course. So back out we went and got a new one. It was simpler. While we were out there we got some lights, knowing full well that finding ours was pretty unlikely at this point also. Back we went, into the stand, up with the lights and into the corner....fini! No ornaments, no trim. And I'm not sure we even lit it. But we did have a tree.
• My first Christmas on the prairie.  I was sort of living in two places.  Here, but not really here.  Home was still in the big city, friends and family were there, but because of work, I had to be here.  Sad and lonely on Christmas night I fell asleep under the Christmas tree. I remember a friend comforting me and telling me that in years hence this would  become home and of course she was right.
• Many Christmases have this memory for me from childhood....midnight Mass followed by hot cocoa and a new pair of pajamas.  My mom and I would walk to Mass a block away.  The church was always so beautiful, all golds and red, smelling of candle wax and incense.  There was no choir, but the organ was amazing and we filled the place with singing.  After church I always got to open the one present mom handed me (the pjs) while I drank my cocoa and then go to bed in the new jammies.
• Another repeating memory from the past is my dad's Tom and Jerry's.  His recipe is lost in time.  No one has ever made them like him, thick and battery and sweet.  I got to have them sans alcohol as a kid and then graduated to the real thing as a grown up.  I bought the commercial ones and being sooo disappointed that they were nothing like his.  I can still see him in my mind's eye in the kitchen of our apartment with the big mixer working on his batter.  This was something that was all his project and they were great!

Addendum/Bonus...Well after all this thinking about those T and J's I had to go out looking on the Internet to see if I could fuind a recipe that sounded like it might approximate Dad's...and this one sounds like it might come close.  I think there may have to be a taste test this weekend. After all I do own a set of those cute little mugs!
Tom and Jerry

12 eggs separated
3.5 lbs sugar
1/2 teaspoon fresh ground nutmeg
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves
1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar

Beat egg yolks with 3lbs of sugar and nutmeg, cinnamon, and cloves until thick and light
Separately, beat egg whites with cream of tartar until soft peaks form
Gradually beat in remaining sugar into egg whites
Beat egg whites until stiff
Gently fold egg whites into yolks.

To make the classic Tom and Jerry:
Preheat a 6oz mug with hot water and drain
add 1 HEAPING dessert spoon of batter mix
add 1/2 oz JAMACAIN RUM and or/ 1/2 oz good BRANDY
add hot water to taste

Friday Five: December Survival Guide Edition

kathrynzj says: "Whether a RevGal or a Pal most of us in this cyber community have enhanced responsibilities during this time of year. We also have traditions - religious and secular - that mark the season for us in a more personal way."

For this Friday Five please let us know five of the things that mark the season for you.

1. Light.  Whether sparkling on trees, lighting the dark winter night or glowing from our candles in the sanctuary as we sing Silent Night, it's all about the light.
2. Music.  From the glorious and sublime (think Handel's Messiah done well) to the sappy and sentimental (the Charlie Brown kids caroling), yep...it's all Christmas
3. Music...subpart 1a...Lessons and Carols.  Very special and sacred part of the Christmas tradition at our little church.  Bittersweet this year for more than one reason. Likely a blog post to come.
4. Must. Surprise. Someone.  There has to be something, somehow every year that has that element.  Some gift, some activity, something I can pull off that has an element of surprise and hopefully joy and whimsy
5. Feeding people. Whether it's a meal or cookies at home, or helping my Presbyterian friends with the Christmas dinner, it's just not right unless someone gets fed!

And the bonus? Tell us one thing that does absolutely nothing for you.
That would have to be the GIANT tasteless conglomerations of decorations people put together that light up the countryside for miles, don't go together in any meaningful way and seem to just exist to be bigger than the next guys.

To Dream Perhance to....Panic?

I woke up twice last night just short of panic.  This has not happened to me for a very long time. So long that I had almost forgotten how very bad it feels to come out of sleep gasping and disoriented.  I think I was having nightmares, but I don't remember.  There was something about a snake and, the second time flashes of bright colored fabric. But what it means...who knows?  I have never even really been quite sure what school of dream theory I subscribe to.  The random flashes of the synapses, that we, makers of meaning that we are, simply must put story to?  The "digestive system" of the brain, working through the flotsam and jetsam of the day, putting it in order and figuring out where and how amidst the options available to store this feeling or that memory? An arcane and magical set of symbols, tapped deeply into the collective unconscious or some other deeper Knowing that helps us connect, if we are willing to attend, through our dreams to deeper and greater truths?  Or all of this...or none?

All I know for sure is that it is not a nice way to start the day.  However, it does feel, as we say in my biz, rather "mood congruent" for the way of things of late.  The last time I had these nasty night panic things, as well as waking anxiety at the level I'm now carrying it, was during my internship.  Those were twelve long dark months that I'd never wish to live through again.  I'd like to think that I am personally a lot healthier now and have a lot more going for me in the coping skills department, as well as a rock solid support system and safety net par excellence.  But I also know well my vulnerabilities.  This generally is not my favorite time of year.  It's cold, it's dark and people often demand cheerfulness of a level that I just can't quite muster. It's pretty much taking what I have to get up and get here, be here.  And I am practicing some restraint (the filter posts to the contrary), which takes even more.

I note that I am still capable of gratitude and I consider this a very good sign.  Small things that really are not so small...R's knowing when all is not well, coffee in the bloodstream, the waggy Maggie in the morning kitchen....the small Voice that reminds me..."it will pass, it will pass." The knowledge that there IS a cruise out there somewhere with my name on it, and that this time next year......anywhere but here....these things help too.  But today is a darkish one.  And I am plodding through.

Filter Failure (again)

Well I lost my filters again. Yes it was another meeting.  This time it was my peers and direct supervisor. (Last time I lost it with the Executive Director!) Maybe I should not be allowed to attend meetings.  Or should be required to be muzzled prior. I used to be so good at this "sit quietly and keep your counsel" business. But lately....things just spill out of me. They are true things.  They are honest things.  But they are not always prudent things to say, nor are they always said in the most...um, shall we say...."nice" way. I'm afraid my feelings are pretty apparent...and they are not the "nice feelings" either.  I'm angry, frustrated, agitated and incensed.  I'm tired of people who have never been "in the shoes" saying how it it is and how it must be.  I'm really sick of people with no vision and no sense of mission disrespecting and discounting my education, skills and experience, but even more importantly, the lived experience of the people we are here to serve by micromanaging and setting up silly petty rules that exist only because "the consultant says" they should and only the bottom line counts more than anything else. (Yep, last time I checked I still worked for a non-profit.)

So I am praying for patience and a greater sense of discretion (or a big roll of flesh colored duct tape).  The little numbers in the counter to the right are significant.  The Next Great Adventure cannot begin until this one has run its course.  There is a commitment to be kept and I cannot afford to do anything really egregious.  My work here is not done, either.  There are people with whom things are still to be accomplished in our time remaining. So one day at a time. Breathing and praying and....skipping meetings? Maybe I need to find that goat again. Or another lovely animal that I can hold and not allow to be "got" by the powers that be. I am open to suggestion at this point.

Thanksgiving Service # 8

Tonight was the Community Thanksgiving Service, and it's really not over until I come home and write a blog post about it.  This was my eighth one here in Little Town on the Prairie, and the march of them has measured my years here, metered my progress in folding myself into the life of this community.  The first year, sitting alone in the expanse of the Catholic Church nave wondering if I would ever fit in this place, know anyone, belong.  The second and third years, singing with the community choir, knowing a few people, feeling a little more settled.  By year four I was a lector, year five, I walked with the clergy for the first time.  Years six and seven I was on the planning group.  This year I was again with the clergy and read the Gospel.  It was bittersweet as so many things are...these "lasts." It's an odd thing to know so far in advance that we really are leaving this place. Not exactly when or for where, but to know for pretty sure and certain that by this time next year I will be somewhere else but here.  So many things then are these "last times" that have become part of my life here.

With the way things have been of late, there is a part of me that could pack and go tomorrow.  But there are commitments that must be kept, and I know that we will be here at least through Spring.  So there will be many of these moments, these quiet little goodbyes with their bittersweet edge.  It has been a good ride here and I'm hoping that this bumpy patch now does not portent a bad end.  That would really make me sad.  I have rarely loved a place as much as I have this one.  Nor have I ever been in one physical location where as much emotional transformation has happened to me.  I connect here with much that is good in my life, much that is wonderful and special, and I would like that to be what I take away, not the sad and bitter feelings that I have right now. I am gathering in gratitude for all that has been and trying to be hopeful that this trying time is a short season, passing quickly and forgotten easily.

At our service tonight, the sermon focused on thanking those who have made a difference in our lives.  A local printer donated thank you notes to pass out to the congregation and the preacher asked everyone to take one home, write it out and mail it to someone who has been significant for us.  He encouraged us all to begin the note, Dear _____, "I thank God for you because..." I did take a note and have someone in mind to send it to.  But in addition, I have another thank you note to wtite.....

My Dear RevGal blogger friends,
I thank God for you.  When I found this ring it was at a time in my life when I really needed to know that there were other women out there doing what I do, thinking how I think, wondering about what I wonder about, laughing and crying, praying and struggling and trying to live authentic and faithful lives "in the midst."  You, my blogger friends, have been with me through some of the best and worst stuff I have gone through in my entire life....endings, beginnings....deep pain and great joy... and your  support and common sense and good humor have carried me through it, gotten me over it, and probably more importantly over myself. Meeting some of you on first 2 BEs has been so awesome (especially that first one...oh my...talk about your liminal space) and I am SO looking forward to BE4! So even though I am not blogging as much (or getting around to my blog reading either...sigh...) you are the best and remain in my heart with much gratitude as well as in my prayers.  So blessings and thanks to the  RGBP bloggers in my life.

Maybe....

Well there is no fallout so far.  Maybe because it's before the holiday and follks are kind of distracted.  Or maybe what I said was really outrageous only in my head. Or maybe the person who would be most outraged by my remarks didn't even hear them (despite the fact that she was sitting two feet from me at the time). The latter is what I really think. Which is why I of course I was upset in the first place.  I feel like one of those characters in the Charlie Brown cartoons talking away about whatever is utmost on my mind and it going out into the world as "wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa." That seems to be my impact level, lately.  And it's not just at work in the day job.  It's happening in my church life, too. I seem to be reduced to an insect who buzzes around making noise that at most annoys people but certainly means nothing of significance to them. In my head I think I am saying things that might matter.  But I am met with blank stares and silence...or in the case of e-mails a complete lack of response..like I didn't even send them.  It's a wierd sensation, this verbal invisibility cloak.  I'm trying to just stay in my good Zenish observing mode, not get all caught up in it, take it personally and such.  But there is no sermon yet for Sunday.  There is no work getting done at work beyond seeing the folks and being present to them. I am vastly tired and very glad that tomorrow I can just forget the whole business and eat turkey, weather permitting.

Some Things

Some things you just cannot say on Facebook.  Like "I really need better filters." Especially when it's the middle of the day and one has no business being on Fb any way.  But it's true...I do need them, even though it is the middle of the day.  I need them now and I needed them in the meeting this morning when I did not have them.  I knew I did not have them when I saw the faces of those who have known me for several years as a pleasant and fairly easy going person go round-eyed and white.  I knew I did not have them when I heard the tone of the "Please let me finish..." Oh well. They were gone.  And I said what I said without them. Dies cast. Words fall. Nothing said was untrue.  Not even unkind.  Just unfiltered and perhaps a bit less than judicious. Life will go on.

Friday Five: Unexpected Thanks

Jan says: "With the American holiday of Thanksgiving being less than a week away, I tried to think of some questions for Friday Five that could be connected to this, but in a new way. So here is my one try:" Name five things that were unexpected in your life that you are now grateful for....

1. Marriage.  I mean really! Who knew? I was not planning it, expecting it, really even wanting it.  And here I am six months in happier than I ever thought I could be.
2. Priesthood. Yeah, that one wasn't exactly on the radar either.  Oh, passing thoughts now and again.  But it just kind of crept up on me, this vocation.  And here I am...four years into this ordination thing, and still grateful.
3. Never in my wildest did I imagine that I'd even go to college (no one in my family ever did before), let alone keep going and going and going all the way to a doc.  But I am grateful for the doors it's opened to allow me to participate in people's lives as a therapist.
4. My dog Maggie. Never thought of myself as a dog person, really.  She was kind of an impulse.  But a really good one.  Can't imagine life without her sweet face now.
5. That I would finally be any kind of a "techhie."  (Yes that's my husband you hear laughing in the background!) But I AM far more than I ever thought I'd be and I am grateful for the ways that my computer and my android and all the things they do make it possible for me to stay connected with the tendrils of my life in all it's many places.

Friday Five: It Is Well With My Soul Edition

kathrynzj says, "We lead privileged lives. True, some are more privileged than others but the fact that we are communicating right now via technological devices puts us in the privileged category. There are many perks in my life for which I give thanks and then there are some that make everything right in the world during the moment I am enjoying them. I'm wondering what a few of those things - five to be specific - are for you. To help you along here are just three of mine that I will write more about on my blog: drinking coffee out of a real mug, walking into my home after the domestic goddess has been there, participating in the RevGalBlogPals Big Events."

This could not have come at a better time!  I have been feeling well...sort of cranky and, um, shall we say, less than grateful lately, and this really reminded me that despite the fact that things are not perfect in RDK's little world (and why should they be!?!) I do lead a life of great privilege and have much to be grateful for.  So here's my list for today:

1.  Topping my list of thankfuls anytime I stop and give them has to be the amazing people that God has graced my life with.  First...my amazing and wonderful husband...He has to top any list.  He loves me unconditionally, he has my back.  He supports me emotionally and financially (a first for me in relationships..yeah I know I'm a slow learner!) And he is so darn FUNNY...we laugh a lot...and when life is stressful, as it has been lately, that really is something to be grateful for.  My other friends are also such gifts.  We were talking in our ministerium meeting yesterday about the struggle to have good supportive friendships as a clergy person...and I just looked across the table at C and thought...Yep...God has been good to me on this front as well.  It is such a good thing to have someone to talk to who gets me and gets it...the whole church and clergy thing...who is living it, too...who can laugh and cry about it and share perspective in the way that only a fellow traveler can. And my list would not be complete without my Soul Sisters...friends extraordinaire with whom I have shared the laughter and tears and stuff of life of the last eight years of this crazy amazing transformative journey.

2.  The tech things...computers and phones and GPS's and all manner of things that even though sometimes I have a bit of a love/hate relationshipwith them....really I do find them to make my life better and simpler.  And as our hostess today says, without them, I would not be communicating here...and indeed would not have all the lovely RevGals in my life who are such an important part of my world community.

3. I'm going to be grateful for simple things like pavement. We have been without now for about six weeks.  It may be coming (the curbs are in, hurrah), and there is hope for the rest before the snows maybe. It gives me a sense of how much more complicated life could be...and I don't so much like it!

4. I have a new appreciation for family.  Mine is acquired and still fairly new to me.  There are surely a lot of them and they are pretty spiffy. I have sibs in law and a lovely daughter (I hope she would not mind that I have taken her on in that way) toward whom I feel growing affection and great pride. It is clear that she is her father's daughter in so many ways, and I delight in seeing that as well as in the ways she is uniquely herself.  I enjoy watching "the Clan" interact and getting to know how my sweetheart was shaped and formed by his relationship to and among them as well as simply getting to know them in their own right.  Because they too are funny and most often times among them are just plain good times.

5. My job.... Simply having a job,  and then having one that is meaningful and that makes a difference.  These are good things and a privilege.  It's been kind of hard here lately and sometimes keeping that privilege front and center gets to be a challenge. But this is a good reminder and I shall endeavor to be mindful of gratitude.

Rest Well Bridget

 You know how it goes,  you are prepping a sermon and somewhere in Textweek, one link leads to another and you find yourself reading someone's blog...that links to another blog...with a sidebar of an interesting name...and so you go read her blog.  Well that's how I found myself a week or so ago at a blog called My Manner of Life.    I got to reading (the way you do sometimes when you "meet " a new blogger), and it seems that about a month ago, the author of this blog faced the loss of one of her beloved cats. Part of her posting about this difficult time included (bless her!) some thoughts about and links to liturgical/prayer resources for the loss of our companions in this life who do not happen to be human.

This could not have come at a better time.  I have just come home from that last goodbye to my sweet old Bridget.  Dr. Scott said she was probably somewhere upwards of a hundred in cat years.  Nobody knew for sure.  She was already a grown kitty when she came into my life some fifteen years ago.  We had a good run, my quirky green-eyed girl and I.  She left this life very peacefully, and I know that she is where the good kitties go, having a nap, chasing a mouse, eating her favorite crunchies with no aches or pains in her ancient old self.

We will pray the prayers for her tonight, and when her ashes return there will be some small liturgy to scatter them in the place where she watched the seasons change and the birds roost. May the Lord grant you a peaceful night and perfect end my sweet furry friend.

Songbird starts out with this old favorite in a Friday Five about friendship....
If you're ever in a jam, here I am.

If you're ever in a mess, S.O.S.
If you're so happy, you land in jail. I'm your bail.
It's friendship, friendship, just a perfect blendship.
When other friendships are soon forgot, ours will still be hot.
and then says...."I'm thinking a lot about friends these days, the ones who rush to you in times of trouble, with a casserole or a socket wrench or an invitation for coffee or lunch or a trip to the foot sanctuary. We meet friends in school or on the playground or at church or in the workplace and even on the Internet. Even as blogging has experienced some decline, the community here has been strong.
For today's Friday Five, some questions about friendship."
1) Who is the first friend you remember from childhood? My first friend was Magda Blum. I must have been about four. She and her family were from the Dutch East Indies and I have NO idea how they ended up in my little town in Iowa.  But we were the only little girls in our neighborhood and for the time they lived there...maybe a year or so, we spent lots of time together with our dolls and our trikes having a wonderful time.

2) Have you ever received an unexpected gift from a friend? Valentine flowers at my office the Monday before Valentine's Day (so I could enjoy them longer) from my sweet husband, who is also my best friend.

3) Is there an old friend you wish you could find again? Or have you found one via social media or the Internet? I have some kind of mixed feelings about this...but I think about finding "G" again.  I have blogged about her in the past....  the older friend who was so important to me during my high school years and then ended our relationship abruptly.  The friendship was a mixed blessing in many ways...she was a positive formative influence in my life, but also abused the power she held in some ways.  I guess I'm curious as to whatever became of her and maybe would like to get some closure if that ever would be possible.

4) Do you like to get your good friends together in a group, or do you prefer your friends one on one? Yes.

5) Does the idea of Jesus as a friend resonate with you? I'd have to say not so much on this.  I think my upbringing might get in the way here.  I was not raised with "Jesus loves me" as much as I was with "Jesus died for my sins" and with that huge sense of gratitude/guilt to get out from under...it's still hard to think about the equanimity that equals friendship.

Friday Five: Connecting

Jan says: I am currently reading Bowling Alone by Robert D. Putnam, where he explores the changes in community in the USA in the 20th Century. He explains how communities, people, and especially children function better when they live where there is high social capital. Basically, it means that "relationships matter." We all know this because Christianity (and other religions) emphasize the Golden Rule: 'All things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye so to them; for this is the law and the prophets.' Matthew 7:1
So here are some questions to ponder for this Friday Five about connecting with:"
1. Self: Who was your hero/heroine when you were about ten years old? I think it may have been a tich later (or not...it's a ways back to remember) but I loved Maria in The Sound of Music and Jo in Little Women Both of them seemed real to me...people who felt deeply about things, were frightened and confused and yet went after the Big Dream in their lives.

2. Family: Who are you most like? Who is most like you?  As a kid I was one of those ugly duckling children that that Clarissa Pinkola Estes wrote about who feels like she landed in the wrong family...Introvert to their extrovert, interested in all the "wrong" things...I really never felt much "like" anyone.  We were not close-knit as far as extended family so I didn't really have the opportunity to find out if there was someone out there in the branches of the family tree who shared something with me, either.  In retrospect though, I would have to say that my mother and I do share some characteristics.  She was loyal and loving and spiritual and those are things I do see in myself.  She also gave me some physical characteristics...some I cherish and some...well not so much!

3. Friends: How do you stay in touch? Face-to face when possible and when not....thanks be for all the tech...e-mail, blogs, facebook, phone (cell these days), skype, IM, text, and now and again....snail-mail.

4. Neighborhood, community: What are ways you like to be involved? It seems to kind of wax and wane...I did community theatre for a while, and also belonged to some other community groups when I was single but have let that lapse for now.  I seem to be "nesting" which I guess is appropriate, and hopefully will move into a more involved and active season again at some point.

5. Job/church: Do you see a need that will help in developing connections? This sometimes is a tough one for me.  I am a dyed in the wool introvert, and with two vocations that call me out into day long contact with people, sometimes what I want (and actually need) is to disconnect at the end of the day.  And yet there are needs and calls and demands and expectations to be connected at church and in the community as well as my own desires to be in relationship with those I care about.  It gets to be a balancing act sometimes, and one I don't think I have a good handle on sometimes.

Bonus: A link or anything else about connecting.

A Fall Word Association Friday Five

SingingOwl  says: "Hello everyone! The Canadian geese are excited, forming up and practicing, encouraging each other with honking, the Wisconsin fall color is at peak where I am, and in Kohl's Dept. Store the Christmas decorations are up. Yep, Fall is here. It's my turn to do the Rev Gal Blog Pals Friday Five. It has been a while since we did one of these word association Friday FIves, so here goes, with an autumnal theme. I know, fall is one way on this side of the world and different in other places, but please bear with me as I post words that say FALL--at least where I am.

Give us the the first word that comes to mind (you know how that works, right?) and then add a little something about why, or how or what."
1. Pumpkins make me think about fields full of them waiting to be picked,  or wagons by the roadside with those great big ones and little tiny ones alike all for sale."It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!" Pumpkin pies, warm from the oven, pumpkin soup with a hint of curry, making Jack-lanterns with crosses for the All-Hallows service, the slippery gloppy feel of pumpkin innards and the hot nothing else like it smell of burnt pumpkin top whem the candle gets too close.

2. Campfire is singing and talking late into the night, telling spooky stories and deep truths. It's sparks flying up into a black sky, the smell that's so good there (and so lingering on your clothes the next day!) It's hot dops and marshamllows on a stick-- the latter catching fire and getting all crusty-gooey good.

3. Apples are that riot of smells in the apple house at the orchard, the first taste of cider for the year, the hayride. Pies cooling on the rack, or being eaten with cinnamon ice cream. Apples are the tart one covered in caramel on a stick. 

4. Color Every one imaginable.  The blue, blue sky.  The changing leaves.  The incredible prairie light that I love in this place.  The pink cheeks whipped up by cooler days and outside activity. The harvest bounty.

5. Halloween Kids and costumes!

And since it is REV Gals and their Pals, here is the bonus question, sort of a serious one:
What does the following passage from Daniel 2 make you think about?

"Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever;

Wisdom and power are his...

He changes times and seasons."

Oh how good it is that we are not in charge...

We with our limited minds and imaginations and thoughts. 

We who lack the wisdom to use well the power we do have.

We who fear change.

We who grasp the waning seasons.

God is God...We are not....It is good.

Thoughts While Painting the Porch Window

Well it seems the monsoons are taking a break and we are finally having some really awesome Fall weather. Blue skies, sunshine, great temps....it's so gorgeous.  And we are taking advantage of every minute we are not at work to get those outside chores we neglected all summer done.  Garage roofed and painted...check.  Front porch walls inside and outside trim painted...check.  Outside basement door replaced, garden put to bed....well it's not ALL done...but there is a plan!  And there is an "inside list" in process too for the days ahead when the weather won't let us be outside anymore.  It ALL has to get done.  No more procrastinating.  We have a goal to get this place painted, cleaned, purged and pruned of unnecessary objects and we will get there.

I think a lot while I paint.  I was thinking yesterday about discernment.  About that whole lovely, messy complicated process of sorting out whose will is whose in my life.  About how I get MY internal voices (especially those anxious ones) to pipe down long enough to hear the Still Small One.  About risk and trust.  About letting go and letting myself be led....and how hard that really is for me....and how I really do believe in my heart of hearts that if I just get it figured out well enough, have enough control of all the bits and parts and pieces, leave no small thing to chance....that somehow that will be the thing that will make it all right....whatever that might mean!

Eight years ago I left my nice secure life, my house of eighteen years, my church and my friends, my town and all that was familiar to go off, all alone across the state to do something new.  It worked out pretty fine.  From it I ended up with a new good job, a home, a very lovely husband, great friends, not only a church...but a congregation in which I share leadership as a priest and my student loans paid off.  I also have a whole new sense of myself as a person as a result of the life events that happened during these eight years...events that I know would not have transpired had I stayed put, stayed home, stayed....safe.  I knew when I made the journey into the unknown back then that God was calling me out into it....I could not have said into what or for what purpose, but I knew for certain that it was about something bigger than me.

That call came out of something practical.... the need to find a way to pay back student loans. God, I believe, uses the circumstances of our lives as well as the promptings of our hearts as ways to move us towards the places we are called. So discernment.  What is the next call, the next adventure?  Where do our hearts draw us or our life circumstances take us?  Because this adventure will be an "us" adventure.  This story will not be first person singular, but will be in two parts.  Two minds discerning...better than one?  Two hearts attending to where the Spirit might be leading. Someone who helps me calm and quiet myself to hear that small Voice.

So the porch is looking good.  And at some point...there will be answers.

"RevGalBlogPals Friday Five: Sometimes It's Just a Job Edition"

kathrynzj says: "Greetings Friends! This week, despite substantial planning, the staff here has been reeling a bit from the wave of fall start-up programming combined with conversations looking towards Advent and Christmas. There is a lot to be excited about (Children's Choir sounded great!), but there are also some things that we just have to suck it up and get through (didn't we just do Officer Training last year?). So for today's Friday 5 I thought we'd hit on the things that give us energy in ministry and the things that take it away:"
1) What are a few of the tasks that you find tedious/energy sucking in your ministry position? Please note I said 'tasks' not people :) Meetings! Bah! Don't like them, never will. Having said that I realize that they are a necessity of parish (as well as other corporate) life.  But I am particularly peeved by those that are ill-planned, badly-executed and go on and on and on.  But tell us how you really feel Kate! 

2) Is there anything you could do to make one of them better? My main strategies are either avoid or be in charge.  I'm not saying those are the best strategies....I'm just sayin' they do work.  Seriously though...I have been trying to model "good meeting behavior" when I run meetings.  Like having an agenda and sticking to it, keeping to time, keeping it short (really if you can't get it done in an hour and a half...does it really need to be done?), asking folks to be prepared, and if they are not, asking them to "report next time or distribute information."  And being direct when "thanks, your time is up..."

3) What are a few of the tasks that you find energizing in ministry? I LOVE LOVE LOVE doing liturgy...always have, and hope always will.  I like the act of preaching even though sometimes the prep...not so much (although there are times it's good too). This may sound a little strange, but I have found that blessing people is a very holy moment...every single time I have the privilege of doing so.

4) If given a quarterly spiritual day, how would you want to spend it? Going somewhere to a quiet (and hopefully lovely place to just be, relax, read, pray.....

5) If given a quarterly spiritual day, how would you actually spend it? Catching up I fear....or getting a jump on the next sermons or whatever.....

BONUS: What would your Dream Ministry job include? I would love to run a healing center where people who have need of a place to come and stay for a while (how ever long a while is) could do so.  There would be work and space, prayer, good food, companionship and peace, the opportunity to be listened to, offerings of practical skills...communications, job-seeking, budgeting, life-skill stuff...and connections to other resources.  There would be space for yoga, meditation, prayer, regular liturgy....a garden, a chapel.....and I'd just kind of....preside....over it.

Thursday Thoughts

Ok so it's Thursday....halfway through in fact.  I'm back from clergy conference...a challenging time in which we tried to have honest conversation with each other about a number of things, look the future of the church in the face (and how we all might fit in it)....and not be too anxious about any of that.   In my free time this morning I've been wrestling none-too-successfully with Sunday's Gospel as I'm preaching Sunday and I have pretty much nothing at this point that feels worth saying. Can I say I'm tired?  So of course I am taking the avoidance route! Always a strategy when I can't find a way through....just ignore the whole business.

I really am feeling very "waffly" these days about a number of things....running kind of hot and cold.  I find I can get kind of momentarily enthused about things...workwise, churchwise, home and self-improvemement wise...but then, without too much ado, I seem to fizzle before action.  I'm not sure what that's about.  The waning of heat and light? Burnout? Early onset of the annual seasonal funk? I'm feeling "with" the apostles, needing an infusion of something..."increase my..... faith." Sure, that would be good! And yes, I guess I take comfort in what I've been reading in a lot of the commentaries...an increase is not the answer...what you have is enough, what you are is enough.  Can I extrapolate?  Dare I?  That maybe I can just be for now?  That maybe what might constitute faith in this case also might include faith in "it will be ok" even without my doing it, willing it, fixing it, changing it or making it happen ....at least for right now.  That I might rely for bit on God and grace to simply carry me along without too much efforting on my part?  That there might even, who knows, be something I could learn here....remember here? 

At any rate, the day is moving along, even if I am not, and the tasks are calling...so back to it.

Monk in the World Day 7 Conversion

 "Conversion for me means to always allow myself to be surprised by God. It invites me to a sense of wonder and awe and recognizing that God's imagination is far wider than my own." Christine Valters Paintner

I have a relationship with conversion that goes back into my past as far as I can remember.  God and I have been playing hide and seek with my soul since I was old enough to know there was  God....and I have often been surprised.  I have often been surprised by God's tenacity with me, with the creativity and gusto with which pursuit was waged over this one soul who often, for years at a stretch gave no signs of even being remotely interested in relating back, and at other times fell into love with this same God with a passion that would please even the most ardent of suitors.

I have, at times longed for an altar call....wished  for the chance to make public proclamation of a commitment of my converted self, as if somehow that would, once and for all seal this thing, end this chase, stop this run round and round that we do, God and I.  We do it still, and still I am amazed at the will to pursue this soul, this willful child....gone again a-wandering.  Not so far, not so long it's true....but somehow lost to God and Self again. somehow strayed. Strayed to place where it's easy to forget, to lose sight of the wideness, the expanse of God. To get mired in the minutia of human trivia and forget that this is not all, this is not it.

Christine cites the line from Benedict's Rule "always we begin again." I am it seems never really converted but always in that process somewhere, always converting, again and again at the point of beginning.... and God it seems takes this chance to always be doing something new. Because I am frequently caught off guard by God.  Awe and wonder?  Perhaps.  And sometimes just plain stark shock. God of the Universe...calling me back...yet again to be surprised by love.

"Friday Five: We Who Sing Pray Twice"

Mary Beth says: "Music is a part of the human experience, and part of religious traditions the world over. It is evocative and stirring, and many forms of worship are incomplete without it.

Our title comes from a quote popularly attributed to St. Augustine: "He who sings prays twice." A little Googling, however, indicates that Augustine didn't say exactly that. In fact, what he said just doesn't fit well onto a t-shirt. So we'll stick with what we have. "Singing reduces stress and increases healthy breathing and emotional expression. Singing taps into a deep, age-old power available to all of us. When we find our voice, we find ourselves. Today, sing like you mean it." And let's talk about the role music plays in your life and worship."
1) Do you like to sing/listen to others sing? In worship, or on your own (or not at all?) I LOVE music in al forms and find worship without it to be...well a little quiet for my taste.  There is nothing better than singing beautiful music with others in praise and worship.   It's especially good when it is done well, but enthusiasm counts, too. And I sing everywhere.  In church, at home, in the car, in the shower....yep. I'm a singer.

2) Did you grow up with music in worship, or come to it later in life? Tell us about it, and how that has changed in your experience. I grew up RC. We sang. There was no choir in the church of my childhood except at funerals (when it was the seventh and eight graders) and some years at Christmas.  Otherwise it was congregation all the way. Some of my best memories of church are singing beside my mother.

3) Some people find worship incomplete without music; others would just as soon not have it. Where do you fall?  I like me a little music with my church I do.

4) Do you prefer traditional music in worship, or contemporary? That can mean many different things!  It can indeed! Generally I lean to the more traditional. However, I think there is a place in worship for many things...as long as they are well-thought out, well- executed and are a good fit for the time and the place.  Last Easter for example, I had been getting a litte whiney about "blah" church music and was thinking aloud with R about this whole topic...I said I wondered what would happen if a "traditional" Epsicopal service had a praise band infusion.  Well...God having a sense of humor and all, it just so happened that we were visiting R's sister on the other side of the state for Easter...and guess what? Yep! PiscoPraise.  Oh. My. As I said... well-thought out, well- executed.... good fit for the time and the place....yeah not so much! Can you say the Easter Jesus Polka?  But then on the other hand, we did a Celtic Eucharist on St. Patrick's night.  We used both traditional and contemporary Celtic music, I played a bohdran...and we got great feedback...right time, right place, right stuff.

5) What's your go-to music ... when you need solace or want to express joy? A video/recording will garner bonus points! Taize, taize, taize!

Monk in the World Day 6 - Sabbath

My name is Kate and I am a recovering Energizer Bunny.  It's true.  I used to go non-stop from the time I got up in the wee small hours until I fell into bed exhausted at the end of the day.  I had three jobs and I usually spent upwards of twelve hours a day in my office...including Saturdays.  Sunday...after church...I'd spend another four or so.  I prided myself on being able to maintain this schedule.  I was tough, I was energetic, I was unstoppable.  And I was running full-tilt from my life.

Things are much slower these days.  I go to work at 7 and leave at the dot of 5, Monday through Friday.  I can't remember the last time I worked on a weekend.  I did give up the teaching job.  Three was one too many.But in the time alotted I manage to do my day job and also get sermons written. (I preach usually 1-2 times a month)  I have learned to work ahead and to write in "bits and pieces" rather than do marathon Saturdays.  Of course there are meetings, services, pastoral care visits, articles to write, and other things that do go on outside those hours...but overall life has gotten a lot saner.  I play a lot more and take time to do things like going to yoga class, hanging out with my husband and my friends and even watching TV (something I used to say, somewhat pridefully I'm afraid, I "didn't have time for.")  R and I go for bike rides, walk the dog, go geocaching, cook together and sometimes....just sit and do nothing!

When I was running my life at top speed, I was very very tightly wound. I had little patience for anything that messed with the schedule (or anything else for that matter, I think now!) All of that busyness served a purpose in that it kept me from having to take a very close look at some things that, at the time seemed pretty darn scary.  But it also took a toll.  My overfunctioning as I did kept some other people from stepping up and being responsible at times.  Sometimes I still grouse about "being the grown-up" but then I have to remember that I am still reaping the fruits of what was sown

Having more balance, more Sabbath in my life is really a good thing. I am having a lot more fun for one thing! Things do get done...well maybe not as perfectly as they once did...but then maybe perfection is not really the goal anyway! It's a really lovely world that God has created, full of joys and wonders.  It's hard to appreciate them fully when you are hurtling past at top speed.

Monk in the World Day 5 - Work

Today's theme is (again) appropriate as I am back at work after having been out sick for two days. In today's reflection Christine talks about the importance of being present in our work. I'm struggling with that right now.  Today for the obvious reasons--I'm still under the weather and it's hard to focus on anything other than that.  But it's bigger than that.  I really love what I do, in both my vocations.  Both being a therapist and a priest are, as Christine says, meaningful and creative for me, both feed my soul and help me to feel that I am being co-creative with God as part of something so much bigger than myself.  In both I feel that I have the opportunity to use my own gifts as well as to bring something to others.  I know that this is a gift and blessing and not to be taken lightly.  Nonetheless, I have been struggling lately.  I have in my day job a touch of "compassion fatigue," I think.  This is the longest stretch in my career in which I have done therapy without a break and I think it may be taking a bit of a toll.  There are also some workplace factors that add stress.  Funding cuts that demand that we all do more...and more....and more, and some of the politics of the workplace that have never been my thing, but that I have to deal with nonetheless.  In my priest life too I have found that I have lost a bit of the excitement that characterized that first couple of years.  There too...a little bit of "just tired" and a bit of wrangle fatigue are taking a toll.  I'm really trying to identify some ways to inject some new life into both of my beloved vocations.  My solution in the past when things got kind of wane-y or stale was to "do something" which usually meant take something on, add a project, a group, volunteer for something.  I have no desire to do any such thing at this point. My actual inclination is to lie low and do little.  I'd love to be able to take a sabbatical....but alas, therapists and non-stipendiary clergy don't seem to be doing much of that.  We do have clergy conference next week.  And our new bishop is structuring it to be much more like a retreat.  So perhaps there will be some refreshment there.  And there will be change in the future....though we don't know just what shape that will take. But it will be a new and different way and place to do this work of mine.

In the meantime, I like the suggestion about having "...gratitude for the chance to do work which supports you."  Gratitude has been a powerful and helpful focus for me in the past when I needed to get myself to a better place.  And I am grateful that I found, late in life, as it turned out, two vocations to love, two things that I actually would do for love not money, two things that support me in so many ways.  Looking ahead I see that the next topic (since I am now a day behind myself) is "Sabbath."  Maybe if I get a little better at finding the balance there, along with remembering to be grateful I will be more open again to how much I really am blessed by work.

Monk in the World Day 4 (on the fifth day)

It's five days in to Monk in the World, and yes, I am posting on day four...  I missed what feels pretty much like an entire day of my life yesterday to some very hard-hitting crud.  I didn't even wake up until almost three and never really did feel like I was totally functional.  At some point I turned the computer on, but never made it to the e-mails or the blog.  Today is a little better.  It's only slightly past noon and I am up and have taken nourishment....that seems to be staying put!
The day 4 theme is Nature, and in the practice section, Christine says, "Claiming our inner monk means remembering that we are the children of the earth, and the earth is in our bodies.  Allow the trees and birds to offer you their own wisdom about living a monastic life." She reminds us to slow down and notice the natural world, the trees, the beauty of the earth and all of creation.  R and I went on another of our road trips this weekend.  This was a quick motor "up North" and back to attend a family wedding.  He is particularly good at noticing things about the countryside as we drive through....which of the crops are ready to harvest, who is plowing rather than just letting a harvested field lie.  He also sees the birds I miss, and he knows things about why things happen as they do in the fields we pass.  Because of this, and because we are spending more time in the car, I am more aware of all that is out there....how much color and texture and variety in just one passing scene, how the light falls differently on the golden corn than it did just a few short weeks ago when the sun was higher and the crops it shone on green.

Who thought taking a road trip could be part of a monastic practice? But of course it can...any moment can.  It's all about remembering to pay attention, and being more intentional about really seeing what is there.  That is my "aha" moment for today.  Today my body is forcing me to be slowed down, to take things easy.  It's a luxury to have time to sit, to read, to just be.  The sun is shining on a tree that is starting to turn and the colors of the leaves are amazing.  Maggie the Peke is resting happily in the sun with her friend MomCat, and it's very sweet and peaceful just to be here, hanging out, getting well.

Monk in the World Day 3

Today's topic is "community.  This is" a subject near and dear to my heart, and the questions spoke to me.

Where in your life do you experience a genuine sense of community or soul friendship already?

I have gone seeking community it in many places....religious life, traditional and non-traditional church groups and in friendships.  In the past few years I have been very blessed to find "soul friends" those people who are with us on the spiritual journey in an especially deep way.  I found this kind of friendship with my Soul Sisters, the study group I have been with for going on now five years.  We began as a Bible study group but have really become family to one another sharing all sorts of joys and sorrows and growing pains over time.  C is also an anam cara to me who literally has carried my through some of the most challenging times on my spiritual and personal journey as well as being there for some of the greatest times of joy as I met and fell in love with my beloved R.  And he too is a soul friend.  Deeply spiritual and gifted in himself he brings yet another perspective to this journey as we share our lives on this deep level.  I really have been richly blessed


When you slow down and listen to your longings for spiritual companionship, what are some of the qualities which rise up as essential? What is true of all of these people is that they are authentic.  Each of them has a unique spitual life of their own....not one of them has the same belief system or the exact same understanding of God as the other, or for that matter as I do.  And this makes for true richness in our relationships as we explore how it is we understand and relate to the God of our own unique understanding. Another quality is the willingness to seek and be open to the numinous, to be willing to accept that we cannot understand, will never really know in this life what it's all about, how it all comes together....and that is really all right.

Monk in the World Day 2

The theme today is "hospitality." Christine says of this, that we are "...meant to extend this hospitality within ourselves and seek out the stranger who knocks within on our hearts - that part of ourselves that has been neglected or shut out.  This inner and outer act of hospitality are intimately connected.  As we grow in compassion for the places within which challenge us, we are able to extend that compassion toward others."

This is very apt for today.  XDO is getting married today in my little church. And yes, I am one of the clergy who will be extending the words of blessing upon their happy little heads.  It is a good thing this wedding.  Not only for the obvious reasons, but because it brings us full circle, XDO and I.  To a new and good place in this journey of us....in these lives that have run in courses that have twined and intersected and now gone their (sort of) separate ways.  I have learned much from these last fifteen years.  For one thing, clearly XDO and I should be with the people we are with now, and NOT with each other! But I also learned so much about myself being in and leaving that relationship.  One of the biggest lessons was just what the quote above talks about....accepting that part of myself that has been shut out and neglected. In saying goodbye to XDO and that relationship I said hello to Kate in a whole new way.  It was scary and it was new and it was radical.  But as I began to develop compassion for myself, it was so clear that there was no way that my true self could ever survive and thrive in what was so clearly not working...really for either of us.

Some people think it is strange that I am marrying my ex....to someone else of course!  But to me it feels like the good thing, the right thing...yes the hospitable thing to do. It is clear that C and J are as good a fit for each other as R and I are to each other. They are able to enhance each other and bring things out in each other that we could not do.  I have an acceptance of C now that I could not have when we were together, and truly do celebrate and bless this union.  So off we go to the wedding wishing much joy to the DO who now belongs to another....with my blessings.

Monk in the World - Day 1 of 7

So here we are again. As I have said a time or two, I'm a little frustrated with myself and my having become a very occasional blogger in the last year or so.  I am not stopping be here as often, either to visit my friends or to do my own reflections. This is indicative of the state of my life at this point.  Very full, undoubtedly wonderful, but a bit lacking at times in moments of quiet reflection, of pausing to connect my absolutely amazing and joyful life either to my own center or to those I've become close to in this space.  I've made plans a time or two to "just get here and blog" but that has been about as effective as some of my other plans to get myself into some kind of reflective space....so when I saw what Christine was offering at Abbey of the Arts with the "Monk in the World" series I thought, "aha, just the thing to get me thinking and reflecting....and blogging again!"  So I'm on day one, and thinking about the two questions posed as starters.....
What is one thing in your life you could let go of for the next few days to make space for the grace of silence?  We are talking initially just a little time. Christine calls it a "window" of time....and I'm thinking of the morning when I practice my yoga and sit....maybe trying to be just a little more quiet for just a little longer before I go rushing headlong into the day.  I know that sometimes on the mat even though my body is doing asana my mind is more engaged in mental gymnastics....thinking ahead into the day, running through my schedule, having those "rehearsal conversations" in advance for the skirmishes to come.  Maybe I could let go of that and practice presence in the practice, actually be there while I'm there for that time, mind and body all of a piece....at peace.

In what ways do you experience silence as a presence and fullness in your life rather than the mere absence of noise?  This question filled me with sadness and longing for a time when this was the truth and reality of my life.  It was, I recall, a journey to get to that place, begun in a hard year of solitude that pruned away a lot of what I thought I knew and thought I required but that left me with a clear and distilled sense of who I was and what might be important to me.  It has slid away a little again,  my life is in a different season yet again than either the solitary journey or the one that followed.  I do not know how to balance silence and joy, though I have a sense that it is possible.

Friday Five: Insomnia Edition

Mompriest says: "Last night was a restless night in my home. We are dog and cat sitting for our daughter, which means we have a combined household of three adult humans, four large dogs, two cats, and one kitten. And for some reason the dogs, cats, and kitten, all wanted to sleep in OUR bed. Did I mention that it's just a double bed? Did I mention that it was warm in our room - too cool to turn the air conditioning on but no breeze to blow the cool night air in....add to that my general age-related tendency toward insomnia, and it was a difficult night for sleeping. A number of my facebook friends seem to have similar challenges sleeping....So, on that note our Friday Five today will focus on sleep, or the lack there of. "

1. Are you prone to sleep challenges? Insomnia, snoring, allergies? Other sleep challenges? I have intermittent insomnia.  It tends to show up, logically enough I guess when I am more stressed and when I have something the next day that is weighing on me.  I seem to get to sleep ok, but then wake up at about three or so and then just can't seem to get back into good sleep.  I also am "of an age" where I have that "hot and cold" thing going on...so some nights I play cover toss a lot. R loves that!

2. When you can't sleep what do you do? Toss and turn? Get up and read? Play computer games? When I was single I used to listen to the BBC on MPR in the middle of the night ( and learned a lot of interesting things that way!) But now I don't want to wake my sweetie, so I turn the waves on the white noise machine back on cuz he can sleep right through those, imagine myself on the beach and breathe and pray myself back to sleep.

3. When you do sleep do you remember your dreams? Or just snipets of them? Usually just bits that make no sense and make me shake my head and ask, "Now what on earth was THAT about?!?"

4. Can you share a funny or confusing dream you've had? Or a dream you have over and over? When I am really anxious about something I will have the "phone dream."  I am in some situation where I desperately need to call someone and either the phone has no numberpad, I can remember the number or there is some other issue that keeps me from reaching out and touching whomever.

5. When you don't sleep how do you get through the day? Lots of coffee? or a nap later in the day? My life does not generally allow for naps, so I am endlessly grateful for the presence of strong black coffee on those days.