Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Day 21....as it goes on

So.... for some things in life, no matter how much you think you are prepared, you just are not. And so this thing. There were, it appears, more shoes. Another shelf, another whole closetful perhaps, that I just was not ready for. And they fell. And pretty much buried me in their wake. The words that come to mind for how I am feeling right now are stunned, overwhelmed, exhausted, scared, disheartened, oh, and somewhere at the bottom of it all....angry. It is going to take a while before life rights itself, and the hard part is there is no way right now to even know how long. It's one of those "there is a process that simply must take its course here" kind of things. And while it does I must simply wait.

One of the things I have feared most is that if things went south with this thing my faith would not bear the strain. There is a dangerous creak in the winch tonight. So much old stuff has been stirred. Critical voices, old triggered feelings, ancient pain that I thought was long laid to rest, things I never dreamed would be tripped by this....it's quite a brew. I have been cared for gently and lovingly by C and my Soul Sisters, I've been texted and e-mailed and felt the prayers of all. I truly don't know what I would do without all of this, without all of you. But even so...it is hard to go to "all will be well" in this particular moment in time, hard to have the trust I crave that came so easily such a short time ago. It's just...hard. That's all.

13 comments:

Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

I'm so sorry. Sending you hugs.

holyfoolishness said...

my thoughts and prayers are with you...

"PS" (a.k.a. purple) said...

Many prayers being sent your way this evening and beyond. I am so sorry there were more shoes than expected.

mompriest said...

kate, I am in that same place of fallen and falling shoes....life feels very challenging right now, indeed. So, right there with you sister....in the fragility of my own prayer life I will also hold you....

Kathryn said...

Hugs and prayers come what may. Hang on in there...xxx

DogBlogger said...

(((((((Kate)))))))

God_Guurrlll said...

((((RevDrKate))))

Josephine- said...

I am sorry Kate. Prayers that you will feel God walking with you through the darkness.

imngrace said...

Oh Kate. I'm sorry. Light and hope and peace and being lifted for you. I'm still here. With you.

Rev SS said...

Dang ... SO SORRY. Hang in there, and keep your eyes on The Light. ((((o)))) and prayers.

Songbird said...

thinking of you and praying for you, kate.

Mary Beth said...

I, also, am in a place like this in my work life. It's not a good feeling at all at all.

Lifting you up in prayer! and love.

zorra said...

I'm so sorry, Kate. Still praying for support and for you to be carried though this.