So.... for some things in life, no matter how much you think you are prepared, you just are not. And so this thing. There were, it appears, more shoes. Another shelf, another whole closetful perhaps, that I just was not ready for. And they fell. And pretty much buried me in their wake. The words that come to mind for how I am feeling right now are stunned, overwhelmed, exhausted, scared, disheartened, oh, and somewhere at the bottom of it all....angry. It is going to take a while before life rights itself, and the hard part is there is no way right now to even know how long. It's one of those "there is a process that simply must take its course here" kind of things. And while it does I must simply wait.
One of the things I have feared most is that if things went south with this thing my faith would not bear the strain. There is a dangerous creak in the winch tonight. So much old stuff has been stirred. Critical voices, old triggered feelings, ancient pain that I thought was long laid to rest, things I never dreamed would be tripped by this....it's quite a brew. I have been cared for gently and lovingly by C and my Soul Sisters, I've been texted and e-mailed and felt the prayers of all. I truly don't know what I would do without all of this, without all of you. But even so...it is hard to go to "all will be well" in this particular moment in time, hard to have the trust I crave that came so easily such a short time ago. It's just...hard. That's all.