Wednesday, October 22, 2008

God Watching Day 22

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a The Message

Awake at 3:30 this morning with thoughts chasing themselves through my brain. Things I said, things I should have said, things I wonder if I should have said. It just would not stop with any of my usual tricks, so finally after a restless hour and a half I gave up and got up to face the day. Work was a welcome diversion, as was talking with some of my support system in person and by e-mail. I worked on a piece of writing related to the falling shoes and that too helped me feel better for a little while. This is the problem, though. It's all transient. It's like a loss. Every time you start feeling normal, you remember what happened and the bottom falls out all over again and it's another crash. I hope it's like loss in that this gets better over time. As I recall you get a little used to it or something....those spans of feeling normal get a little longer, you are able to "back burner" the thing a little better and pretend that life is just life, like it was before all those shoes fell on it and you got lost in the pile of them and forgot who you were and what you were doing there in the first place.

It's pretty hard to pay attention to God from under a pile of shoes. I'm just sayin''s kind of hard to see the light from here right now.


Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

I hope it does get better, Kate.

Jan said...

Wishing better days ahead.

Magdalene6127 said...

Oh, Kate. With so many people, praying for and with you.

Maybe God is in a soft pair of slippers somewhere in the pile?

DogBlogger said...

(((((more hugs for Kate)))))

imngrace said...

I have a friend who says, "To a worm in s**t, everything looks like s**t." My prayer is that you see something other than that and you know God's deep, abiding presence as you figure out what's next. Peace be with you, Kate.