Monday, October 13, 2008

God Watching Day 13

"Give your entire attention to what God is doing right now." Matthew 6:34a
The Message

Well you just never know. I was expecting that tonight I would go to bed saying to myself, "By this time tomorrow I will be past this one hurdle in my life. The falling shoes will have landed in a pile around me and done will be done." But thanks to that call, it is not to be. Back to waiting. As I have said here before, sometimes my twenty-first century logical educated brain clashes with my Celtic mystical faith heart. What I know in one way and what I might believe or wonder about in another are not always in sync. What I know about this is clearly that I has nothing to do with me. It is an artifact of other people's schedules. I got bumped, pure and simple. What my heart says is anything but simple, anything but logical...that is all about the extra week....the extra week I am being what....offered or burdened with? I have to say in all honesty my first response was "NO! I cannot deal with this! It's not fair." As the day has drawn closer I have been more anxious, not sleeping well, not eating much. And then, another week of this! At first it was pure burden, no question. And I have no doubt that over the next seven days there will be times that it will still feel that way. I would have loved for it to be over. But this feeling about the need for forgiveness coming as it does and the extra time...my non-logical self wonders if this is no accident, if this time is a gift, an answer to a prayer I didn't even know I was making, if this is indeed what God is doing, offering me the blessing of time that I might use to think about letting go of my resentment towards those who have brought about the circumstances of the falling shoes. It's a tall order. My own situation is not the only one about which I bear them ill will. It will be a challenge to give them to God, to stop judging them, to practice radical forgiveness. I honestly don't know that a mere week would be enough time, but it might be a start. So I am paying attention, but I am not entirely sure I know quite what God is doing....and I guess that might be ok, too. Somewhere along the lines of letting God be God, perhaps?

4 comments:

Magdalene6127 said...

RevDrKate, I don't know what your situation is, but I have had deadlines come and go that left me in knots for one reason or another. But the exercise you have embarked upon... this God watching... what wonderful, grace-filled timing, that this coincides with whatever this burdensome experience is.

Prayers arising.

Mrs. M said...

Kate, I feel for you. We're waiting and watching with you.

Ruth Hull Chatlien said...

I know the feelings you are describing so much, but in a different context (that of being a freelance writer waiting for promised jobs to come through). I echo what Mrs. M said, we're watching and waiting with you.

imngrace said...

Oh Kate. Disregard my e-mail message. I just read about your postponement. Waiting with you, and praying, and breathing, and praying some more.